Do you find yourself waiting for the phone to ring? Waiting for him to call? Let me help you with if you should call him, understanding men, and what you can do about it.
There is a lot of dating advice for women on this topic because it’s a tough issue that all single gals have to face. After a great first date and a strong connection, excitement builds. This is especially true at the end of your date, when he asks to see you again.
He says he’ll call to set the next date up. So you wait … and wait. The stress builds and for some women, this turns to anxiety. But he doesn’t call and you feel more than disappointed – you feel devastated! How could he do that to you?
What’s a woman supposed to do? You may feel confused, rejected, or sink into despair. How could he not call when you had such a good time? You could tell he did, too, so what’s the problem?
Understanding Men – Should I Call Him?
You might think calling him is the answer. Why not, right? After all you’re both adults. This is a new era in dating. Men and women are more equal not than ever. Dating is more modern!
It’s easy to convince yourself that this is by far the quickest route to ending the tension and continuing to wait.
However, as a love and dating coach for women, I’m not a fan of calling men or initiating contact at the start of dating and here’s why. I have three big reasons why calling him to ease your mind is a big mistake.
1. How Interested Is He?
You want to know what a man will do without your prompting because that tells you how interested he truly is. If he can’t even make a call or ask you out, he’s not interested, no matter how great your first date seemed.
There are no excuses that count, but I’ve heard a lot of them myself and from my clients. Excuses include being super busy at work, a huge project with a lot of pressure, a sudden illness, and even a death in the family. Some men can’t handle any confrontation, so they make up lies that sound reasonable to prevent you from questioning them.
2. You’ll Look Desperate
When you pick up that phone and contact him, you risk looking desperate. Yes, even today many men will think that if you call him. This is a fact when it comes to understanding men.
3. You’ll Take Over Pursuit
If you make that one call and it goes well, then you might be tempted to continue on this path. Every time he doesn’t call or ask you out again, you’ll be calling or texting to find out what’s happening and asking to see him again.
Now you are chasing him and that never ends well. If you have to chase a man, he definitely is not that interested. But he may be curious enough to stick around, hoping to get lucky.
I know it’s not easy to deal with the angst of not knowing. It can drive you nuts wondering what is going on. Some women start to think he got sick or injured himself. Trust me, he’s perfectly fine, but just not calling you.
Learn to Read Between the Lines
This might sound weird, but when a man doesn’t call you, he is still communicating loud and clear. He’s saying, “Sorry honey, I’m not that into you.” Once you catch on to the fact that this IS the message he is sending, now you’re on your way to understanding men.
Not calling communicates his lack of true interest in you or maybe in finding love.
The good news is you’ll stop waiting by the phone and free yourself up to move on to meet better men! Good men are out there. Don’t waste your precious time waiting around for some guy to call. I don’t care who he is, how great a time you had, or what a great catch he seems to be. He’s not the man for you or HE WOULD HAVE CALLED.
How Long Should You Wait for Him to Call?
If you had a great time with a man and you don’t hear from him in seven days at the most, let go of him with grace. When a man is into you, he won’t wait a week to call you no matter what he has going on.
He’ll want to see you again and he’ll move heaven and earth to make that happen. Occasionally there are extenuating circumstances, but that is a very rare thing.
Don’t assume that his excuses are real and that this situation applies to you because the odds are very strong he’s just not calling you. I know this feels harsh, but isn’t the truth better than another false hope and more time wasted?
His inability to call because of illness, his job or boss, his ex, a death in the family etc., if true, let you know you will not be his priority. If he does experience a loss, then he likely won’t be ready to date for a while anyway.
Why Did He Say He’d Call?
The hard truth is there are plenty of decent men out there who don’t want to hurt you, but don’t know what else to say at the end of a date. They feel that saying, “I’ll call you” is easier because they think this is what you expect. Many men feel the pressure of being a nice guy and think not asking is too hurtful if they are not interested.
What Can You Do?
Be smart! Learn about what men really mean when they are evasive. Know that when a man says, “I’ll call you,” he might never follow through. This way, you won’t be waiting around or disappointed. You can go about your business and meet other men. And if he does call, then that is a wonderful surprise!
If a man is genuinely interested, he’ll contact you within a few days and ask you out again for the following week. Now that’s a man with potential.
To learn more about understanding men and finding a quality guy, listen my free program 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Guy
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Speaking as a man this is bad advice, I had some nice dates with a woman recently. I initiated the first three dates, and paid for everything. Only once did I not offer to pick up the check, just to see if she would offer do so. No such thing, so we went dutch on that one.
After the third date, which concluded with kisses and me asking if she still wanted to meet up (to which she replied yes), I decided I’d see if she would actually show some initiative for once. After all, I’m in my late thirties here, and I want to find someone to settle down with after all. I have no time for women that can’t initiate at least some of the time to show me that the interest is mutual, or offer to pick up the check just occasionally (even though I don’t mind taking more than my share and plan more than my share of dates).
The same story is true for texts – so far I’ve been the one initiating, and she replies up to a day after.
My point is: If you give me NOTHING to work with here as a man (like this idiotic article suggests), don’t complain that you remain single.
Hi Sam, I think you missed the point I was making. I agree, there needs to be effort on both parts. However, this advice is for women who put in all the effort. It takes two people to create a good relationship which is what you want. Of course women can initiate a text and a call certainly by the 3rd date.
This advice is meant for women who have taken the initiative with a man who has put in NO effort and has not initiated. Also, please know my advice is for older women. As a man in his late 30’s you are not a boomer or Gen X. Thankfully things have changed to some degree for millennials.
One last thing, some younger women may still think traditionally. So, if she doesn’t reach out, it might not mean she doesn’t like you or is lazy. If you do like a woman, one way around this is to simply say, “You can call or text me. Feel free to reach out to me.” For the right woman, this simple, clear communication can help her relax and know you are interested and it’s OK to connect.
I know you’ll find a good woman, just keep dating until you do.
Hi, I’ve been on a journey of self and lost 50 pounds in 8 months. I’m so proud of myself and have gotten my confidence back. I’m 41 and not much of a dater, but I’ve been getting noticed. I met a guy the other day at the bank where we work and he seemed interested. I tried to play it cool but he persisted. He was working on a project and wanted me to come over. I eventually went and he introduced me to members of his family. It was a nice, then I went home. He asked me to text him when I got home so I did. He said his family members were fond of me and I should come back. Two days later he invited me to dinner but I was out of town. He called me when I got back but didn’t mention getting together. It’s now been four days and nothing. Ugh! Thoughts?
Hi Abigail, First congratulations on the new you! How awesome! Now about dating. This man called while you were away and again when you got back. Did you have a chance to return his call? When you spoke, did you say, “Thanks for the invitation but I was away. Could we have dinner another time?” This would have been the way to handle it.
At this point you can reach out once to be friendly and ask something simple like, “How did your week go? or Did you have a good weekend?” Maybe that will strike up a conversation. But if not, let it go. He knows what to do to see you so if he’s not doing it, he’s not that interested.
If you’re ready to date, get on Bumble. Swipe on 15-20 a week. Expect to text with a LOT of men, but many will disappear – this is all normal and it’s a numbers game. Hopefully you’ll have a few messages and set up coffee dates or just a drink with several men. Don’t get disappointed too quickly. Just keep at it – it works! Best of luck!
Went on a wonderful date with a man I have worked with in the past. I reached out to him just on a whim and asked if he’d like to meet and catch up. He immediately said yes and that was that. We had always flirted but it really never went anywhere in the past. So our date was really nice, we talked for over two hours, my face hurt from laughing, and he touched my hands a lot, gave me two hugs in the parking lot after walking away and then coming back. He didn’t ask me out again however he did suggest I call him if I wanted to do it again. To this I replied oh, no, it’s your turn buddy, lol, you can call me. Now I’m freaking waiting for him to call, trying to stay busy and even talk to other potential dates. Am I doing this right?
Hi Hope, YES! You are doing the exact right thing! Good for you! That is the ONLY WAY to know if he’s interested or filling time with you. A man who is genuinely interested will PURSUE YOU. You left the ball in his court and if he doesn’t pick it up within a week, you know he’s not that into you, even if he had the time of his life. It might be he just doesn’t want a relationship and not about you at all. Either way – keep looking for available men and keep your options open. You are on the way to finding the right man.
I met a young man 25 years old I’m 64 years old. we talked over the phone about my approval of a purchase I made at the store where he works. He said that he likes talking with me and wanted to try dating. I said that would be okay and gave him my number to exchange pictures. After I sent my photo he never responded. I did text my approval of his pic and tried to call him a minute later after sending my picture. No response. Is he interested or not.
Marilyn, OK, no one wants to admit we are getting older and I’m sure you look fantastic and are young at heart. But at 64, I think you could understand why a man of 25 wouldn’t be interested. You could be his grandmother! Dating younger is a wonderful thing. Aim for mid 50s to your own age or a little older if you are serious about finding love. Please try to be realistic.
Hi Ronnie,
When I was younger I had sex with a friend that lived up the street. Nothing more. Later when I was grown, I had sex with his brother. We enjoyed each other alot until his brother told him we had sex as youngings. We went our separate ways, but he has always been respectful and has even tried to get back with m,e but I said no. Now 20 years later me and the brother I had sex with when I was very young invited me out. We hit it off great, but I missed two of his calls the day after our date. However, I texted him a few times just casually letting him know I enjoyed his company and he said the same. It has been a couple of days and I have not heard anything from him. I decided to let him call or text me first it’s been 5 days since we last seen each other and he is on my mind strong. What should I do and what do you think about everything I said.
Hi Ayanna, I’m curious why you didn’t call him back instead of texting him? That would have been better. It could be that he was just curious. Would he still be interested in you or you in him? What do you look like now? Would it be fun? None of that means he wants a second date, whether or not you picked up his calls. If you want, call him ONE TIME. After that, if he doesn’t ask you out in 7 days, let it go and move on. These are mysteries that will never be unraveled, so the best thing is to accept it didn’t work, move on and go meet others.
I don’t think calling a guy first is desperation…this is the 21st century and Anyone can woo anyone. I believe in going after what you want and not just sit back and wait for something that may never even come.
OK good luck with that.
Hi Ronnie,
I’m 42 and have a few online profiles but haven’t had luck. It can’t just be the men and must be me also. I recently met another 42 y/o divorced guy. He reached out to me and it took us a month before I would go out with him. Then we went on 6 dates over a month. I wasn’t attracted to him, but I loved being around him, felt feminine and had a great time. After the second date, he texted that he bought me a special tea and asked if I could come over and drink tea at his place for our 3rd date. I politely declined saying it was a good idea for the future. We had several more dates. For our 7th date, he called and asked if he could come over for tea on Friday night. I had plans and declined, but later said I could meet him in public over the weekend. He never followed up and that was 3 weeks ago. Now he texts apologizing and said he just didn’t want to be alone. I feel because I didn’t move fast enough for him, he changed his mind after 2 months of getting to know me. Am I being unreasonable by holding off on intimacy past a month? What happened to him being this spiritual, Polish gentleman who he professed to be? Should I even respond?
Hi Denise, This is a tough one. His “tea agenda” was about sex. But he is a man…and he did hang in there over 6 dates. Is it wrong for you to wait? Of course not! You need to feel comfortable. But are you not attracted or do you just want to wait? How will you know if you’re ready to sleep with him? Perhaps you should have a discussion with him. Tell him you don’t like to rush into things, but enjoy his company. So, if he’s willing to wait on the intimacy, you’d love to spend time with him. See what he says. If he doesn’t want to wait, maybe he’s the wrong man. But, be sure you are honest with yourself about why you are waiting. If it’s because you can’t imagine sleeping with him, then in fairness, let him go.
I met a guy at a drinking spot. We were very flirty and I loved the way he was. He didn’t call me the next day but gave me a call after three days for another date. I cancelled the plan and he didn’t call nor text me, so I called him the next week and to my surprise he told me if he was my boyfriend at least I would have checked up on him from time to time. Should I continue to call him or I should let him be?
Hi Dorcas, So you met a man at a bar, but never had a date. Then you cancelled and the guy suggested you should have been in touch. That is rather ridiculous. It’s not your job to stay in touch, especially if you’ve never even had a proper date. My dating advice for you is to drop him and move on to find a better man. However, in the future, please don’t just cancel on a man you like. That leaves him thinking you aren’t interested. Instead, I recommend you reschedule at the same time you cancel, if you do want to see him, so he doesn’t get the wrong impression.
Hi Ronnie,
I need some advice and your help is greatly appreciated.
I met a guy online and we have been out on 3 dates in less than a week. We didn’t have sex but were just making out after the second date. I told him that I like him on the second date (not sure who said it first) but after the second date when we exchange messages I said I miss him. I thought that was a sweet gesture, but obviously he didn’t think so. His attitude became cold after the second date. He did text me but it wasn’t affectionate anymore. I know I shouldn’t be asking him out but eventually I did after a while coz I just wanted to know his take on this as he was behaving coldly. When I asked him out on a third date, he was excited and eagerly agreed.
However, on the third date he didn’t seem that affectionate anymore based on his gestures. When I brought up the topic if we will still be going out on dates, he said we can still go out but he said that he feels I am moving too fast and thus he is taking a step back. It’s better that we become friends and let things develop naturally. He said he’s not used to anyone saying I miss you after just two dates and thus he’s stepping back. I told him I am okay with being friends and I appreciate him telling me that so at least I know what to do about it so I don’t waste my time. He sounded a bit upset when I said that and asked if I felt being with him is wasting time. I said no, but just wanted to know what his objective is.
After the talk, I felt that his attitude changed. He was not as cold to me and wasn’t teasing me anymore. We just continued chatting and then when it’s time to leave, he tried to put his arm around my waist. And before I hopped into the cab, I knew he wanted to kiss me on my lip, but I gave him the cheek kiss coz I was too hurt for anything. I am not sure if he felt rejected because of that but I was feeling really rejected by him wanting to be friends and take it slow.
I haven’t heard from him in 4 days and I am not sure what to do. I do really like him and I know he does like me. Has my behaviour of saying I am being fine with being friends and telling him that I know now what I need to do and not to waste time and not kissing him on the lips a way of rejecting him and thus he will not come back?
Should I initiate contact or just leave it as it is and not text him at all? Is all lost?
Will really appreciate your advice. Thanks.
Hi Angel,
For the future, you’ve got to manage your enthusiasm as I call it. After 2 dates, you shouldn’t say anything about how you feel or missing him. 2 dates? You don’t even know him. Then you ask him out! Oh NO! This makes you look desperate which is anything but attractive. Then you tell him it’s OK to be friends and turn your cheek when he goes to kiss you. Wow – that’s a bunch of mixed messages.
In a regular situation I would say four days isn’t long between dates and contact. But in this case, I’d be very surprised if you hear from him.
I’m not sure how much dating experience you have, but I’m going to gently ask you to take some time to do a LOT of reading about how dating works today. You don’t want to chase men EVER. For the first 4-8 dates, it works best to follow a man’s lead and not initiate anything. Let him call, text and ask you out first. Your job is to respond – that’s it. So in the future, hold back and let men come to you. Learn to be patient because dating is not instantaneous – it takes time to get to know someone.
Please don’t contact this man again. Let go and learn how dating works today so the next time a man shows interest in you, you don’t overwhelm him, chase him or turn him off.