Don’t Call Him – 4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Pick Up the Phone

Should you call him? Or is the saying even true, “don’t call him and he will call you?” If you are struggling with picking up the phone – don’t call him!

Find out why you lose when you cave first.

Don’t Call Him – How Women Over 40 Push Men Away

Don't Call Him
Don’t Call Him

Do you feel compelled to call a man you have just started to date to tell him what a great time you had? Or maybe to see why he hasn’t called you?

Or maybe to tell him something or say hello because you’re thinking about him? You may have these impulses, but I advise my dating coaching clients not to call.

As a dating coach for women over 40, I’ve noticed a trend emerging in the last 10 years. Women are bolder about communicating with men.

With workplace equality we enjoy today and so many women in power jobs, there is a new belief that the communication style that works in business is appropriate for dating as well.

Too bad that’s not true. Let me explain.

You see in business, being direct is often the best policy. Just say what needs to be said to be very clear and get things done.

This approach is completely appropriate for business, but sorry to say, not for dating. Not if you want to keep your man interested.

As you move into the relationship phase, the situation will change again and more direct communication is possible.

But, during the initial dating phase, the first 4 to 10 dates, being direct is a wrong turn that can cause your man to lose interest and worse – withdraw!

Don’t Call Him – To call him is to enter his world uninvited

I’ve spoken to lots of men about calling. When you contact a man by calling, emailing or texting, you are entering his private world.

You may think you’re being nice or showing interest and a small percentage of guys might not mind. However, the majority of men say they don’t like it. Most men prefer to call and pursue you.

Here’s why it’s better to leave initiating communication in his hands:

1. Don’t call him because you no longer know when he would have called you

This is crucial information because it lets you know about his interest level. One to two days – very interested; 7 days – not so interested.

But when you call him, you now have no idea what he would have done on his own – and that’s the only thing that really matters.

2. Don’t call him because you minimize your mystery

You want a man to wonder about you – what you might be doing. How you spend your time.

When you start communicating with him, you let him know you aren’t busy. What’s not readily available is always more attractive – this is the plain and simple truth about attraction.

3. Don’t call him because he might misinterpret this as desperation

Any hint of desperation works against you. A woman worth her salt is busy and occupied. Men like the chase and when you have a rich, full life and leave the calling to him, your appeal goes up.

4. Don’t call him because he might see you as invading his privacy

The man cave is a private space and you shouldn’t approach him there until invited into his world. Even emailing and texting can be problematic. Some women insist on a text the next day to say thank you.

I’ll give you this one, although I don’t think it’s necessary. But too much back and forth makes you appear to be an over communicator! Not an attractive trait by any means.

Don’t call him and he will call you?

Well partly this would actually be true, some men will see you desperate or non-mysterious if you’re the one making the move instead of them.

You can even play hard to get in some scenarios that it’s needed as men, most likely, would want something they can never have or is very hard for them to get.

That is why in some cases, don’t call him and he will call would probably happen.

Sometimes, there are also men who like a texting relationship. This can be a tip-off:

  • He might be controlling
  • Very needy
  • Seeking a fantasy relationship
  • Wants to past time, and more

Just because he contacts you often doesn’t mean you have to respond right away or with the same frequency. A little resistance helps pique his interest if he’s a frequent texter.

The best thing you can do is not call him. Early on, leave all the initiating up to the man. The calling, the emailing, the asking out, etc.

The most power you have is to not be available – that makes him want you more. Don’t squander this precious source of magnetism.

I hope I have convinced you not to call him, but if not, read Rhonda Findling’s book Don’t Call That Man. It’s excellent and focuses also on not calling a man after a breakup.

Want more insightful dating advice? Download my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and get my newsletter too. Or find out if coaching is for you with a free Dating Discovery Session by phone or Skype

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Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

34 thoughts on “Don’t Call Him – 4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Pick Up the Phone”

  1. sorry to leave one more comment… but I forgot to mention that this man is 48 years old (I’m 47) so this is not a millennial or one who hasn’t experience in dating. He’s also confident and successful in his career.

    Much love, Dawne

    Reply
  2. PS. I also don’t know if it’s a good idea to send a text saying “not sure whether to call you back or not”, since that feels like handing him so much power AND if I do that, it only sends the message I’m okay with only texting (when I’m not). … yet I don’t know what to do with the ambiguity. Lol
    Is there such a thing as a guy just likes to just spend his time calling a woman, maybe she’ll pick up, maybe she won’t… either is fine and just happy to leave a message? It just seems strange to me, as I would say “no” so why doesn’t he make sure I’m available to either answer his call, or simply ask me to call him back??

    Thanks again. I hope you’ll see this.

    Reply
  3. I have been dating this man for two months. We have gone out on a date weekly, for a total of five dates, up until about 2 to 2.5 weeks ago. He texts me everyday usually a good morning or a conversation starter or sometime throughout the day. I occasionally initiate texts but usually let him. The last date I met a group of friends -one saying she screens his dates. I joked about him not telling me I’d be meeting the judge and jury and he laughed. He said she told him she liked me. I got along with them laughing and joking. We’ve had some makeout sessions but no sex yet. He is hard of hearing (since a toddler) and made a comment in the beginning about having a hard time hearing on the phone so I believe that’s why he texts. We seem to get along well and joke a lot. He sends me detailed text not one liners. Why he isn’t asking me out the past 2.5 weeks when he was asking me out every week? Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • Hi Nik, A man who dates only once a week and hasn’t pushed for sex is taking things slow for a reason. He might not be completely ready. Perhaps having you meet his friends freaked him out even though he initiated it. So he might have pulled away because he’s nervous. So, its not something you did – do not blame yourself. All you can do about him is wait to hear. You could send one text saying something funny – not asking anything like “are you OK?” Don’t probe. Truthfully, although your instincts might tell you differently, the best thing you can do is meet other men and find someone else to date. You deserve love and waiting around for some guy to come out of his cave is not productive. If he comes back to you, you can decide what you want to do about it then. My advice is to let him be and know it’s not about you – its all about him.

  4. I have been seeing a man for 40 years! We are now 61 and 64. We like our space, live in separate places and see each other once every 2 months and sometimes HE texts or we talk in-between. He is busy with his job and has weird hours. I let him take the lead. That’s how it works. We don’t use social media. I never had kids so I was able to have great careers, do whatever I wanted and he admired me for that. I’m semi-retired now and stay busy. He’s my soul mate. What we have is very special and I would never do anything to ruin it. He has two daughters and some Grandkids that I have never met. Never demanded that I meet his family. I saw pictures of them so Im fine ! We never spend Holidays together he sends me a card, ha-ha. I’m not a Holiday person so I stay home or travel somewhere by myself. We catch up and I always get pretty flowers and he may not buy me gifts but he will do expensive repairs around my home for me that saves a lot of money. I like being the lone wolf and I don’t want a man around 24/7. Hes been like a sexy boyfriend for 40 years why ruin it !!

    Reply
    • Hello Mae – You are not dating this man – you are in a relationship. So it’s great that you have your rhythm and let him initiated. For women who want more than you do from a relationship, this would never work. But, I’m so glad to know you are happy with your freedom and your relationship. Enjoy!

  5. Hi

    I have a relationship with this man for almost 4 months now, it used to be so good.. He called and chat me everyday
    He was very sweet and romantic
    Then all of a sudden he was changed
    I am the one who initiate a conversation
    He is busy with something.. Sometimes it takes 16 hours before I can reach him… the last time we talked.. I said
    I don’t understand why he changed
    And I hang up the phone because I’m soo upset… And I never contact him again
    I don’t know what to do

    Reply
    • Hi Chie,
      When a man drifts off like that, the only thing you can do to keep your dignity is to walk away. So you already did the best thing you could do. You’ll never know why he lost interest but it happens all the time. I recommend not wasting your precious time trying to figure it out because you sadly, never will. Just accept that it ran it’s course and move on to meet a better man who wants to stick around and cherishes you.

  6. Last week I ran into my ex who broke up with me seven years ago during a really tough phase of my life. Both of us walked away quickly when we saw each other but later I sent him a message telling him that I wished I had said hi we chatted for a couple of hours the next evening we chatted for a little while then he came over to visit I haven’t heard from him since I’m lost it what to do

    Reply
    • Hi Lori Jean,
      In your mind, try to separate his interest in conversation from interest in a relationship with you, In one way it was nice that you acknowledged seeing him. But maybe seeing him opened up a longing that would have been better left alone. Remember he knows how to get in touch, so try your hardest NOT to contact him again. If he wants to revisit your relationship – he will do it on his own and so much better than you chasing him which can leave you feeling even worse. I encourage you to let go of any expectations to guard your heart.

  7. I really enjoy this man’s company. We’ve been talking for 2 months and just 2 weeks ago we met. We have hung out for 4 times in 2 weeks. Yesterday, he finally asked me out on a date; and it was wonderful. We talked/laughed/shared life stories. We sat in the restaurant for 2.5 hours, then parked and continued to talk and kiss. I wish I had read this article first. I have never called him first until tonight. We do text everyday, but only speak on the phone when I call him at 10:30 at night; but I ask him first lol. Today, he texted me first and asked me what I was doing today.He said, he was just wondering so I asked what he was doing. He said, spending the day with my children and then probably nothing later. So I called him at 8:45 tonight! Grrr so mad at myself. I could see on facebook he hadn’t been on in 2 hours; so I thought I would call and left a cute message. But now, I feel insecure like he is out with someone else. Even though, he told me he isn’t talking to or interested in anyone else. We even have a trip planned in 2 weeks. So what does this all mean, am I freaking out over nothing? I tend to do this and I don’t want to ruin a good thing thus far!

    Reply
    • Hi J,
      I understand why you are stressing but there maybe nothing to worry about. This is why it’s best to let the man lead for the first 6-10 dates. You made yourself feel vulnerable by calling him. Instead, you could have suggested he call you later while you were texting – that would have been better than calling him. The best thing you can do while getting to know a man is keep yourself busy so you don’t over think (or over watch his moves on FB). Another is to date other men until you have an exclusive relationship. This is a great way to prevent yourself from becoming attached too quickly or freaking out. When dating, you have to let things unfold as they will or you risk pushing the man away by being too enthusiastic or over anxious because both make you seem desperate. So stop calling him or asking to call him. His phone has a dial – let him call you. But for now, I doubt there’s any harm done.

  8. Hi Anna – the no conversation rule definitely applies here! Do NOT call him! Time to learn to live without this guy. If it feels too hard, get a copy of Rhonda Findling’s book Don’t CALL That Man! from Amazon – its super helpful. If you call, you will look NEEDY and CLINGY – neither are attract looks.If you don’t trust him, trust that! You don’t need a man in your life who isn’t trustworthy.

    Reply
  9. Me and my ex broke up due to trust issues in our relationship, the bad thing is he lives 500 ft down the street from me so he is always on my mind; it sucks. We haven’t talked in a whole week and we used to text everyday; he also recently viewed my snapchat just this morning. We were really close and we left on a note of him saying “Life is long doesn’t mean we won’t talk again”
    And I said “So we won’t talk for awhile?”
    He said, “Idk”
    And I said “Well its up to you, I can’t ask shit”
    That was it, I had the last word–I’m so lost on what to do with him because I don’t want to seem needy but at the same time I do MISS HIM so much because I really really really liked/even LOVED him, he’s a very rare dude and a good guy…We broke up on 3/14 and just two days prior we had a 2 hr long convo on the phone; I really do want him back but I don’t know if the no contact rule would apply in this situation. We both haven’t called or texted eachother in 6 days…

    Reply

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