Should you call him? Or is the saying even true, “don’t call him and he will call you?” If you are struggling with picking up the phone – don’t call him!
Find out why you lose when you cave first.
Don’t Call Him – How Women Over 40 Push Men Away
Do you feel compelled to call a man you have just started to date to tell him what a great time you had? Or maybe to see why he hasn’t called you?
Or maybe to tell him something or say hello because you’re thinking about him? You may have these impulses, but I advise my dating coaching clients not to call.
As a dating coach for women over 40, I’ve noticed a trend emerging in the last 10 years. Women are bolder about communicating with men.
With workplace equality we enjoy today and so many women in power jobs, there is a new belief that the communication style that works in business is appropriate for dating as well.
Too bad that’s not true. Let me explain.
You see in business, being direct is often the best policy. Just say what needs to be said to be very clear and get things done.
This approach is completely appropriate for business, but sorry to say, not for dating. Not if you want to keep your man interested.
As you move into the relationship phase, the situation will change again and more direct communication is possible.
But, during the initial dating phase, the first 4 to 10 dates, being direct is a wrong turn that can cause your man to lose interest and worse – withdraw!
Don’t Call Him – To call him is to enter his world uninvited
I’ve spoken to lots of men about calling. When you contact a man by calling, emailing or texting, you are entering his private world.
You may think you’re being nice or showing interest and a small percentage of guys might not mind. However, the majority of men say they don’t like it. Most men prefer to call and pursue you.
Here’s why it’s better to leave initiating communication in his hands:
1. Don’t call him because you no longer know when he would have called you
This is crucial information because it lets you know about his interest level. One to two days – very interested; 7 days – not so interested.
But when you call him, you now have no idea what he would have done on his own – and that’s the only thing that really matters.
2. Don’t call him because you minimize your mystery
You want a man to wonder about you – what you might be doing. How you spend your time.
When you start communicating with him, you let him know you aren’t busy. What’s not readily available is always more attractive – this is the plain and simple truth about attraction.
3. Don’t call him because he might misinterpret this as desperation
Any hint of desperation works against you. A woman worth her salt is busy and occupied. Men like the chase and when you have a rich, full life and leave the calling to him, your appeal goes up.
4. Don’t call him because he might see you as invading his privacy
The man cave is a private space and you shouldn’t approach him there until invited into his world. Even emailing and texting can be problematic. Some women insist on a text the next day to say thank you.
I’ll give you this one, although I don’t think it’s necessary. But too much back and forth makes you appear to be an over communicator! Not an attractive trait by any means.
Don’t call him and he will call you?
Well partly this would actually be true, some men will see you desperate or non-mysterious if you’re the one making the move instead of them.
You can even play hard to get in some scenarios that it’s needed as men, most likely, would want something they can never have or is very hard for them to get.
That is why in some cases, don’t call him and he will call would probably happen.
Sometimes, there are also men who like a texting relationship. This can be a tip-off:
- He might be controlling
- Very needy
- Seeking a fantasy relationship
- Wants to past time, and more
Just because he contacts you often doesn’t mean you have to respond right away or with the same frequency. A little resistance helps pique his interest if he’s a frequent texter.
The best thing you can do is not call him. Early on, leave all the initiating up to the man. The calling, the emailing, the asking out, etc.
The most power you have is to not be available – that makes him want you more. Don’t squander this precious source of magnetism.
I hope I have convinced you not to call him, but if not, read Rhonda Findling’s book Don’t Call That Man. It’s excellent and focuses also on not calling a man after a breakup.
Want more insightful dating advice? Download my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and get my newsletter too. Or find out if coaching is for you with a free Dating Discovery Session by phone or Skype
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past one year and six months and the relationship has been great. I will be 34 next month and talked to him about us been married but seems he is slow about taking this decision..He never talks about us settling down or our future together.Though since dating him ,he has been showing some maturity and responsibility. Even he got a new house furnished it and always want me to come around. I want to stop picking his calls to make him see how serious I am about settling down. Not picking his calls, is it a right decision to take?
Kindly help. Thanks
Hi Maureen, Not taking his calls after a year? That’s not a good strategy – that’s for people who are just dating. You need to ask him directly if he sees a future with you and when you might marry if he does. If he avoids that discussion or won’t answer, that means he doesn’t want to settle down. maybe not with you or maybe not with anyone. So you will have to make a decision. How long might I wait around for this guy or should I move on to find a man who wants to marry? If he avoids having the conversation or won’t give you a straight answer, you are going to have to break up and find a new boyfriend. Or you risk wasting years of your life on a non-committal man
I have been in a situationship for 2 years. From him callin, texting and seeing me all the time when he he was going through a bad patch to now everything being fixed with his #1 all communication switched from me to her. The feeling is horrible as I was by his side through all good and bad times and now I have been completely sidelined.
I get breadcrummed now. I have stopped looking forward to communication with him and at the same time he gives me bad treatment even though when it was his choice as for how much room he keeps for me for communication. I am at a point where I feel no expectations no disappointments. Its ironic as to how people can be unfair and forget the good things and how supported they were at all times
Hi Sarah, I’m going to encourage you to look within. Why are you still in touch with a man who treats you so poorly? It is terrible that he doesn’t value your support, I agree. So why be open to a man like that?
It is a common behavior that a man in crisis will lean on a woman and then distance himself after because she reminds him of a time he wasn’t strong. This might not even be a conscious decision.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your self-esteem is to block him and stop all communication. Unfriend him on social media. Free yourself up to find a new man to love who doesn’t need any help, but wants to enjoy your company and create a happy life together. That man is out there but you have to be free to connect with him.
I met a guy that stays out of town we constantly talk on the phone. Well we decided to meet for a weekend in a mutual town. On the date we were suppose to arrive I called him and received no answer. I called several more times and nothing. I finally called the next day and I get a text. No not explaining something happened or anything just a text saying he will call me later. We exchanged several texts after that but I still haven’t gotten a phone call or heard from him since that next day. What happened?
Hi J,This man like talking on the phone with you and maybe some texting. But clearly, he didn’t want to actually meet you since that didn’t happen and he didn’t explain himself. He never will because he doesn’t want to tell you that he doesn’t look like his photo. Or that he’s married and was enjoying a fantasy with you without actually cheating. Or that he’s not capable of anything more than talking by phone and has deep intimacy issues. I”m sure there are other reason like this. And let’s face it – he’s a bit of a coward and rude to boot because he could have given you an excuse and cancelled rather than ghost and say nothing.
So the good news is that he disappeared now vs wasting more of your time and you are free to date again. Please read this post on why he asked me out but cancelled and this one on why LDRs don’t work and you’ll get the full picture of why you should look for love locally instead.