Have you ever worried, “Did I scare him away?” It’s possible. Find out if you’ve made one of these common mistakes with a new man.
Don’t Scare Him Away!
Halloween is about the fun of scary things and ghoulish stories. But the last thing you want to do is scare off a new man in your life. Here are seven ways you might inadvertently frighten your date away and how to easily avoid them.
1) Are You Fiercely Independent?
You are an independent woman who can take care of yourself so you don’t NEED a man. I get it. You might really enjoy your independence or perhaps you fought hard to win it. However, communicating this to a man does not portray as positively as you might imagine.
Most people, including men want to feel needed. They want to help with your car, fix stuff, carry heavy things or open jars.
A fiercely independent woman who is proud of her status can be off putting. Why? Because the guy you’re dating doesn’t want to feel unnecessary in your life. Truth is, you wouldn’t like that either.
You want to avoid bragging about how you can totally take care of yourself. But if you do talk about this with passion and wonder, “Did I scare him away?” chances are the answer will be, “Yes.”
Don’t get me wrong, your independence is fabulous! Just don’t flaunt it in your new guy’s face. Instead, let him open the door for you, order the wine, or pick up the check. Make room for him to take on the traditional role and “be the man.”
If you want to come across as an irresistible woman, then rely on your feminine charm. Find a way to genuinely be warm, receptive, and easy to please. Let him know you appreciate his efforts and say thank you.
2) Talking about the Future
When you meet a wonderful man, it’s hard not to get caught up in the excitement! That’s the fun part of dating. However, if you start doodling his last name with yours or dreaming of a life together after just a few dates, you aren’t living in the present moment. You’ve jumped ahead into the future.
Please don’t plan your future at the start of dating someone new. Stay in the present and maintain an even keel emotionally. This is what I refer to as “Positively Neutral.” You are positive about the future and the present, but you remain detached or neutral.
When you stay REAL about your new guy and keep the pressure off, you allow yourself to remain more objective. Staying neutral is so important for making wise romantic decisions.
This is how you avoid heartbreak. And at the same time you don’t put any pressure on your new guy so you don’t worry, “Did I scare him away?” There is no rush. Take your time getting to know a man.
Anything can happen to move the relationship forward or to cut it short. Your positive, yet neutral outlook keeps you balanced.
When you lean into the future, you’ll appear anxious or needy – Oh no! That sets off warning bells and starts the downhill slide for a man.
Try not to overthink the future. Stay present, keep your eyes open and know that it will all unfold with time. Don’t rush a man if you want him to stick around.
3) Fixing Him
Let me tell you straight out – you cannot change a man. You cannot change anyone, except yourself and even that’s not easy.
There are only two things you can change about a man: 1) his clothing and 2) his hair, if you’re lucky. But that’s it.
He is who he is. Your attempts to improve him could easily be mistaken as a lack of appreciation for who he is right now. That won’t help your budding relationship. Pushing him to change is a great way to push him away and scare him off.
Women do make this mistake all the time! I remember thinking about a guy and wishing I could just mix together a good part of someone else with the new guy’s qualities to have the perfect partner.
We all have done this from time to time. But it’s NOT realistic or possible! If there’s something not working for you – pay attention to that so you don’t get caught up with the wrong guy.
Refrain from fixing him, especially in the first month or two, no matter how tempting it is. Appreciate who he is right now and if you can’t do that, he’s probably not the right man for you.
4) Invading His Space
I’m sure you’ve heard about the man cave. When you are first seeing a new man, he’s going to frequently return to the man cave because he feels really comfortable there.
You may be tempted to reach out to him, especially if you haven’t heard from him. DON’T DO IT! You’ll be invading his private territory. You want to be invited into his world – that’s how you know he’s genuinely interested.
No matter how much you want to, don’t call him, text him or initiate contact for the first four dates. Let him come to you with his own sense of timing. Don’t crowd him, get in his space or take over pursuit. This never works.
If he’s fallen away and you wonder, “Did I scare him away by texting too much?” it’s possible. However, if he doesn’t reach out to you, this lack of communication tells you he’s not that interested. His actions and efforts to connect are the only things that matter. Don’t just rely on his words – they mean nothing without his actions to spend time with you.
One of the best pieces of dating advice you’ll ever get is to let him pursue you.
5) Sharing Your Feelings
This is a must at the start of dating. Don’t be the woman who scared him away with your feelings. Women tend to develop strong feelings and it feels good to tell him about this. But this is often too much too soon for the average man.
Do yourself a big favor and tell your girlfriends instead. Give him the space and time to tell you how he feels FIRST. If not, you could be waiting for a long time to hear those three words that slipped out of your out of your mouth way too soon, “I love you.”
6) Spying on Him
If you stalk him on social media looking for what your guy is up to and saying, you are getting in too deep. What is going on that you need to spy on him? He might not be showing enough interest in you or giving you the kind of attention you want.
Notice if that’s true. If so, that lets you know he might not be the right man for you. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone like you or want a close relationship. Either he wants you in his life as his close romantic companion or he doesn’t.
If you are feeling insecure and this is making you spy on him, wake up. Build your self worth and confidence and go do something fun. stalking him and snooping will not make him like you more. But if he catches you doing this, that’s a surefire way to scare him away.
7) Being Hard to Please
Maybe you are very particular. You like things the way you like them. I get it. You are entitled to have what you want, of course! But how important is this on the first few dates?
If he picks a restaurant you don’t like at all that’s one thing. But if he picks one Italian restaurant and you prefer another, see if you can just go along with his choice this time. You can make your suggestion next time.
On the other hand if you are insistent about where or when or other details and require several calls to set up a single date, he might think you aren’t worth the trouble.
Don’t do this to yourself! Otherwise you might find yourself asking, “Did I scare him away?” Yup, you did.
The last thing you want is to appear picky or difficult. Men like women who are confident, easy to please and fun to be with. That doesn’t mean you have to give up your preferences! Not at all. However, you can ease into them right?
Give a man a chance to get to know you and if he likes you, he’ll likely STRIVE to please you. You’ve got this.
Enjoy the Magic of a New Relationship
There are many more chilling things women do to chase men away, like not returning phone calls, talking about your ex, complaining that all men stink, going on and on about your kids, etc.
So, if you’re dating someone who seems to be a good catch, smile at him, praise his efforts, give him a warm reception and enjoy the magic that is the start of a new relationship.
Get more tips on how to attract a quality guy with this eye-opening, Free audio program.
6 thoughts on “Did I Scare Him Away? 7 Ways You Might Turn Off A New Man”
Hi Ronnie, I’ve been talking to this guy I matched with on a dating site and we’ve only been messaging on the app for about 6 weeks. We have not met yet and the conversation has not come up, but we are in a pandemic so it’s a bit harder. After two weeks of talking, he ghosted me for about 2 weeks and then he reappeared saying “sorry, work was really busy” etc. I decided to continue talking to him and the topic came up of our past relationships. He said he is looking to get to know people and see where things go from there. Is this a bad sign when guys say this? I’m 30 and I’ve never been in a relationship before and I told him this. His messaging has changed after I told him this. What should I do? Also, we found out we work for the same company and there is a chance of bumping into him. I’m worried about that.
Hi Lisa, My dating advice is this guy is not serious about you or maybe a relationship. The signs are 1) He ghosted after 2 weeks, 2) Returned but still hasn’t asked to meet, and then the clincher 3) Wants to “see where things go” which you picked up on. Even though there is a pandemic, if he were serious, he’d want to meet you anyway or be video chatting to get to see if you are worth meeting even with COVID risk. If it were me, I wouldn’t bother with this guy. And if you bump into him, so what? You haven’t met yet. Don’t take this too seriously. It might be awkward and then it will be over.
Now, I want to talk about the question of past relationships. Clearly this situation makes you uncomfortable and cuts into your self-esteem. I don’t think you scared him away. However, keep in mind this is a personal question and you don’t need to answer it at the very beginning if you don’t want to. It’s privileged information, true of any personal question. Not everyone is worthy of knowing your personal history. Trust needs to be built first. No need to admit anything about your past (except are you single, separated or divorced). If you asked a man why he got divorced, the likelihood of getting the truth on a first date or before is slim. Because the info is personal and won’t show him in the best light. This is human.
You need a response to anyone asking this question early, so you don’t get caught off guard. If a man asks about your past, skirt the issue by saying, “You first.” When it’s your turn to respond, ask him a question to change the subject. Or provide a vague answer like, “I’ve had a few relationships but nothing serious.” You can fess up later as you get to know each other. But don’t let this get in your way. People have different timing for their relationships and you sound like you are ready now. That’s all that matters. In fact, you could say, “I’ve dated, but have focused on my career. Now I’m ready to find my life partner.”
Confidence is everything, so don’t let your lack of a relationship make you feel unworthy. You are ready now – great! Don’t put up with any poor treatment including ghosting due to “busy-ness”. Once a guy disappears, don’t accept his excuses. Move on to find a man who is more serious about love. Good luck out there.
I find guys who won’t commit, what am I doing wrong? We text then meet up, have a great time.( just hang out, no sex) Then they tell me that they only want a fwb. Why can’t I find a guy who wants to be more?
Hey Awe, There’s a mix of men out there. Plenty don’t want a commitment- but some do. Just keep going. You might not be doing anything wrong. The only thing that comes to mind from the little bit you told me is that “hanging out” could be the problem. Often men who are casual or want FWB hang out. Read this post. Perhaps men who want a relationship take you on dates – they try harder to win you over.
I hv been dating a guy for 6yr he don’t always call me, he always suspect me having affair with other me, he don’t spend on me,Wht shld I do
Hi Suzan, Doesn’t sound like he treats you very well. If you can’t count on him, he doesn’t keep his word and he’s jealous, is he the right man for you? You can’t change him – after 6 years you should know this is who he is so maybe you deserve a better man.