I am reading Lori Gottlieb’s newest book which is fantastic! About half way through, my copy is covered with tons of colorful stickies, placed to remember each little gem. That’s how many good points Lori makes. I want to buy a case of books to give one to each new client as mandatory homework.
Not All Single Women Think this Way
My review of this book will require a couple of postings since it’s rich with insights into the plight of single women, 35+ who feel all the good men are taken. Lori is speaking to just one segment of the women I deal with as an over 40 dating coach. These women want the “perfect man” or they can’t be bothered. Why should they settle for someone less then they expect or deserve?” It’s understandable why they might think this way. If you relate to this, please read on and get a copy of Lori’s book!
Having worked with women for the last eight years, I can tell you this is not the only perspective about dating and men that keeps women single. But it certainly is as significant group, whose thinking and belief system keeps them from finding the love they desire.
Chapter 2 “How Feminism F**ked Up My Love Life.”
If you’ve ever heard me speak in person or have read my blog for a while, you know I point to this fact frequently. Women today are confused because we’ve been raised to build a career and let the relationship wait if it must. Women also have to deal with newly acquired, yet traditionally masculine business skills frequently (and sadly) applied to the dating arena. Uh – that does not work!
My War Cry – Men and Women Are Equal, But Not the Same!
While men and women may be equal, women have adopted the idea that equality means we are the same. This ridiculous premise is responsible for many women being unable to get a relationship started. For example, if we are equal, then why can’t a women ask a man out, pay, call him and get the ball rolling? Women ask me this all the time.
Dating is an Archaic Mating Ritual Rooted in Survival of the Species
Unfortunately, most women who have tried being hte pursuer have failed and end up angry, frustrated and confused. Even in this day and age, dating remains an archaic, mating ritual rooted in biology and survival of the species. Men still prefer to be in charge of courtship and the chase. Nothing here has changed from the days of the caveman.
If you pursue a man and end up in a relationship, you will likely find a guy who is happy to have you do everything, make all the decision, pay for everything or all three. If this sounds good to you, go for it. But most likely – it makes the hair on the back of your neck bristle.
Competition is Not Romantic
Women want to take charge, but they also want a masculine man who is a leader, can be a good provider and most likely be more successful. These old standards are in direct conflict with being the chic-in-charge. When women want to be the leader – they compete with men, not put themselves in a romantic light. Competition is definitely not romantic. If you want a strong man, you need to ALLOW him to BE THE MAN.
Think about ballroom dancing. How many leaders are there in a great dance duo? Just one right? And how many followers? One as well. When you have two leaders, you get a power struggle. Conversly, with two followers, you go no where.
The ballroom dancing analogy relates only to the first 4-10 dates, until you are in the first phase of relationship. That’s when things rebalance and women and men take turns in the power seat. But if women try to pursue and use their business skills early on to get the ball rolling, most men will lose interest and drop the ball.
According to Lori – Empowerment Equals Unachievable Standards for Men
Lori talks about a different aspect of feminism than I do: how empowerment became synonymous with having high standards that are nearly impossible to achieve in real life. She says that’s exactly how so many women have empowered themselves right out of a good man. Excellent point Lori and very true!
Shift Your Perspective to Create New Opportunities
Lori exposes the deep inner workings of her mind regarding dating. Sharing her belief system could quite possibly open lots of doors for sincere readers who are willing to make changes. If you can open your mind to hear what she is saying, (and what so many of the experts she has interviewed convey as well) you will start to experience a shift of perspective. This shift can be the key to finally seeing, meeting and finding the love you want.
Tapping into many experts such as Rachel Greenwald, author of Finding a Husband after 35. Evan Marc Katz, America’s preniere dating coach and author of several books, matchmakers, and many well-known professors and researchers, Marry Him could practically be considred the new Bible for 30 something (or 40, 50, etc.) women who want to find a husband, but have not been successful so far.
Bottom line for the first half of Lori’s book: Get real or stay single. The choice is totally up to you.
More soon, so stay tuned!