Dating Over 40: Beware of this Guy

My friend and fellow dating blogger, Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams wrote a fabulous post the other day. It’s so good I have to share it with you.

“This happens a lot:

Girl meets guy (usually on some Internet site). Girl is lukewarm about guy. Guy seems really, really hot on girl. Girl decides to give guy a chance. Guy talks about how he’d like to get married one day. Asks girl if she’d like to get married one day.

On a later date, he asks her if she’d consider moving nearer to his area. At this point, she realizes a) he does seem like a pretty good catch, and b) he’s clearly not afraid of commitment, which is a plus.

She decides to keep seeing him. She talks herself into liking him more and more. She changes her relationship status on Facebook to ‘In a Relationship.’ They have a lot in common. She likes photography. So does he. She likes jazz. So does he. She likes Indian food. So does he.

He continues to talk about the future. She finds herself falling for him. Hey, she’d be crazy not to, right? But then he calls one night — 24 hours after they enjoyed a splendid restaurant meal together — and says, “I don’t know how much of a commitment I can give you.”

She’s stunned. She’s shocked. She’s thinking, “IS THIS GUY BREAKING UP WITH ME??” Sure enough, he is. (Not that he comes out and tells her, of course. The clown just stops calling.) She spends some time beating herself up. What did she do wrong? How did she offend him? How did she blow this?

Thing is, she didn’t.

When a man starts talking marriage, future, commitment too soon, it’s very possible he’s GAUGING YOUR INTEREST IN HIM. It’s all about him, you see: Do you like him? Do you think he’s attractive? Would you consider getting to know him better? It’s an ego trip, and it likely has very little to do with you.

And once this type of individual finds out his new female acquaintance is open to a future with him, he gets the ego boost he came for, and he disappears like the last Cheet-o from the bottom of the bag.

How do you prevent this from happening to you?

If a man starts talking about the possibility of marriage sooner than you’re comfortable with it, HEED YOUR INSTINCTS. Very politely say, “You seem like a great guy. Let’s enjoy getting to know each other for the time being.” And gently change the subject. Remember, if a guy is truly interested, you can’t scare him away that easily. He’ll stick around.”

And here is the comment I posted on her blog:

Terry – its all about him – BRILLIANT! I never thought about it that way – that a man says those things to gauge a woman’s interest about HIM. As a dating coach for women, naturally this comes up more than you’d like to think. Of course I tell my clients that they didn’t do anything wrong and the guy is probably a romance junkie – once the initial chase is over, he moves on because its the chase that he loves, not the woman.

But thinking about your point – that meshes beautifully – because with a romance junkie – its all about him there too! His overactive need to be seen as the most romantic wonderful man, before he moves on to recreate that scenario over and over again.

Listen to Terry. When you encounter a man who is all hearts and flowers, moving fast towards a future together, red flags should fly. Occasionally this is real. But more often, its a sign of an imbalanced men seeking the thrill of continuous new romance.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony,, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.

10 thoughts on “Dating Over 40: Beware of this Guy”

  1. That seems like my issue with my man. It’s taken him almost 16 yrs to get me. We’ve been together 4 months and I can see how selfish he is in more ways than just “The Chase”. Sex is a major issue since he refuses to believe he has PIED and not to mention he’s narsiscist. Honestly that attracted me to him without knowing in full detail. We have many issues and I feel I’m in a total no win situation considering I genuinely love this man even though I don’t understand why. I’ve been so crazy about him while he chased me for 16 yrs that I was scared to give in and now that I have and understand things more clearly, I don’t know how to deal with him. We both gave up A LOT to be together (a husband, his family, both relocated and much more). All of this for him to act childishly selfish at 40yrs old. The only thing he’s consistent with is keeping his job. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried every solution to every problem (when I normally would’ve said “F#CK OFF”) and nothing has worked.

    • Hi Tracy,
      I’m so sorry you are going through this and I offer my advice with compassion. But sometimes, there is NO SOLUTION. Not everyone is compatible and there’s no way to compromise with a narcissist by their very nature. Love is NOT ENOUGH. Even though you gave up so much to be together, recognize this as the “No Win” situation you already said it is.

      Keep your dignity and self esteem and MOVE ON. The sooner the better. A narcissist will never meet your relationship needs – they are simply not capable.

      Now is the time to look within and see the big picture. Perhaps leaving your other marriage was appropriate and he was just the catalyst? Time invested in learning to understand yourself and why you made the choices you made will set you up for a more balanced and successful future. Understand what you need from yourself and from a partner. That’s how you will choose better next time.

      You might want to talk to a counselor or do some other type of personal development work that will bring the rewards of uncovering what makes you tick and how to approach relationships with an open heart and eyes wide open, not encumbered by lust and love. The way to find a compatible partner is to take your time and go slowly. Best of luck!

  2. Ronnie,
    I met a guy who is 11 years younger than me. We had an awesome first date and he followed up right away that same day, but Im curvy and Im thinking maybe he didnt like that. The following day I did try to call him , which I now know i shouldnt have. Just told him to call me when he had a minute, but that was over 24 hours ago. Im going to let it go, but he did say yesterday that he wanted a second date. If I just leave him alone and let him pursue, do you think he will? Im also not sure if he believes in the 3 day rule.

    • Hey Impatient,
      If he talked about a second date, why would you think he didn’t like your curves – this is just your insecurity talking. Try not to call men or ask them to call you especially after one date. It makes you look needy or desperate – neither one is attractive. The best thing you can do now is NOTHING. Leave him alone. If he wants a second date, he knows how to get in touch. And I’m so sorry to say there’s no guarantee he will ask you out again – there never is. I recommend reading this post about letting the man lead – it will change how you appraoch dating and you’ll get better results.

  3. I met a truck driver in his late 40s on Match. We talked everyday four about two months before we met. He seemed great we hit it off. I noticed he was talking about moving in helping out with the mortage etc..maybe getting married. He was very sweet seemed interested in me.My gut said wait..time just met him. I even met his family which was way too fast. Well I told him we need to take it down a notch and date. The calls dropped off the text fewer. He would still text I Miss You! Honey. I found out he met a woman online in the process of divorce. He’s moving in with her after four months of dating. The guy is flat broke blames his ex wives for it all. It’s sad women get taken by these type of men all the time. Ladies if he’s too good to be true he just might be a player.

    • Christie – thanks for sharing your story. Its not so much that he was a player as looking for a sugar mama. He was seeking a woman to improve his living situation. so his goal was roommate with benefits. Thankfully, you knew better – that’s what matters most here. Great job taking care of and protecting yourself. Always listen to your gut!. Here’s to connecting with a good man who loves you for the great woman you are! (And not for your housing opportunities.)

  4. John – what a shame your friends have suffered this situation. And, yes I know what you mean about the guarded vibe – that is exactly what I work with so many women to remedy! The idea is to use Feminine Charm to appear approachable, open, and friendly so men will take the risk to strike up a conversation. Feminine energy at its best is warm and welcoming.

    Robert – many women do ask about marriage and push for this agenda over time in the relationship. However, there are men who knowing what a woman wants to hear, tells them what they want to hear to push their own agenda. Often it’s simply conquest or an overactive ego-boost craving to feel admired.

    The problem is, the warning signs can be hard to read objectively when a woman is taking in all the lovely words she’s dreamt about for years.

  5. I find it funny that a guy comes right out talking about marriage to someone you just met. After all isn’t it usually the woman who’s asking a guy about the future and marriage?

    I guess from my perspective there would be signs to slow things down a bit, but that is just me. Then the “I don’t know how much of a commitment I can give you” phone call. Write him off and move on to the next guy…

  6. I agree. And, unfortunately I have a couple close female friends who’ve falling victim to this. On the other hand, I’ve met women online who may, in fact, be very nice, interesting women, but they exude such guarded, negative vib from the get-go, it’s a major turn-off. And, I’m sure it applies to men as well.


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