Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
I am a 58 year old widow whose husband died 4-1/2 years ago. I feel that I am finally through the tunnel of grief and am ready to date and find a relationship with a man…only to discover there are no men. They have ED or they are not interested in a widow for some reason. Divorcee’s seem to be able to get back into the dating scene much more easily and faster than do widows. Why is that and what can be done to change the situation for this widow?
The Widow of Waltham
Dear Widow of Waltham,
My heart goes out to you because I can’t imagine how hard it is to recover from the loss of a beloved partner. Experts and therapists say statistically, you are right on schedule. Widows often take as much as five years to recover and feel ready to venture out for love again.
On the other hand, a widower usually looks for a new relationship within a year. There is probably some deep psychological reason for this, but to be honest, I’m not quite sure.
That said, let me address the rest of your question.
Yes, contrary to what you have encountered, there are healthy, loving men dating voer 50 who are relationship ready and available. It’s not true that all men have ED. While its unfortunate you’ve run into a few of them, there is a simple solution in Viagra and other similar drugs.
If you meet a new guy over 40 or 50 thatyou are very interested in and he ends up having ED, very gently ask him if he’s looked into the drugs. This is a sensitive topic for men, so be careful how you say this.
As far as divorced women having it easier to find love again over 50, that is uncertain. Divorced women can feel many things such as bitterness, deeply wounded over trust issues, low in confidence, etc. When you are a widow, your man didn’t leave because he chose to do so. Given that, I’m thinking it’s possible divorce might be harder to recover from…
However, loss is loss so why make this a competition?
Why does it seem men aren’t interested in a widow? That’s a matter of perspective, attitude and outlook on dating and men. I don’t think men have a preference about divorce vs. widow. My bet is they are reacting to you as a “woman” and nothing more. Plus, when dating, you are bound to meet many candidates that aren’t a good match.
Of course, there are some things you might be doing that could keep you from connecting with decent men:
1. Talking a lot about your late husband
2. Talking about how hard or sad it is to be a widow
3. Complaining about how awful dating is or how lonely you are
4. Not having an interesting life on your own
5. Not demonstrating your confidence or love of life
Men look for women who are happy, confident, and enjoying life. Women like this add to a man’s life. That’s my advice to you. While I don’t have enough information to know if you are doing any of the things that might cause men to steer clear of you, either way this is good advice. And not just for widows, but for all single women of any age.
Take a break if you need one. But then continue your search while you work to enrich your life as well. That way, you simply can’t lose.
Wishing you love,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach