Are you dating after divorce and confused about the mixed signals men send? Read on to unravel the mystery of this woman’s dating experience and what the man’s mixed signals really mean.
“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,
I feel so confused. The guy I was seeing began pulling away and then “came around” and started pursuing me again. I didn’t ask why he’d been away, but also didn’t change in letting him see me when he wanted. The other evening I got angry because he neglected to respond to a message I sent asking when he could help me with something HE suggested he wanted to help me with. (DIY house stuff.)
Basically I told him I was done. He replied by saying he had opened up to me 100% unfiltered (broke my heart as everything I’m reading says that’s the true way to tell he likes you and yes he had confided some stuff in me).
We were physically closer, kissing, cuddling, but I felt that I was the aggressor so I backed off. After that there wasn’t any close contact, but he continued to want to see me and we had deep conversations. The last time we saw each other (before I “lost it”) he actually began asking me more about me. :/
He Sent Mixed Signals
I realize a slow start to a relationship is more likely to result in a true connection, but I felt we were going backwards. His mixed signals left me feeling used since we’ve never been out and he always comes to my house to hang out. He doesn’t try to get me in bed either. I’m a little older than he is and I feel more like a confidant or big sister type than a romantic interest.
Is there’s any hope that he really does like me and what, if anything, I can do at this point to undue the unpleasant feelings I gave him by saying I was done? I know I shouldn’t chase him, but want to know if there is anything I can or should do to let him know that the door is open. He needs to know it’s okay to contact me and our interactions won’t be unpleasant vs. me just hoping he’ll miss me enough to contact me.
I finally “get it” about what I need to do – after all of these years – and I just hope it’s not too late for us. Until recently I hadn’t dated for 4 years and this is the only guy who has held my interest.
Thanks!
Mixed Signals in Massachusetts”
Dear Mixed,
I think you are right about being his confidant and not a romantic interest. You can’t be “going slow at the start” since you are not at the beginning of dating with this guy. The “going backwards” comment you made is more accurate. He’s treating you like a friend, and not a very good one if he doesn’t follow through on his promises to help you.
Dating After Divorce Can Be Hard
Don’t be too hard on yourself for blowing up at him. Sometimes dating after divorce is hard. When you feel frustrated and confused like this, it happens.
My question is what do you see in him and why do you want him back? Since there isn’t any romance, is it just about the companionship? Nothing wrong with that, but don’t expect things to turn around. He has no intention of being in a relationship with you or falling in love, if he is even capable of that.
It’s All About Him, Not Love
When a man confides in a woman, that demonstrates a level of trust. But, without reliable communication, regular dates, romance or physical intimacy, I don’t think you should take this as a sign of love interest. It’s all about him and his needs the way you describe it. He doesn’t even take you out! No wonder you feel used.
This man benefits tremendously from your friendship and emotional support. But it’s all on his terms. Sometimes women offer emotional support in the hopes of getting love in return. You might want to read this other dating after divorce post for more details.
Keep That Door Shut
Since you already cut him off, my dating after divorce advice is to leave things be. He’s not the right man for you unless you want a self-centered man who lacks a generous spirit and doesn’t consider you a romantic interest. After four years of being single, can that really be what you are seeking? I sure hope not.
Dating After Divorce? Let Men Pursue You
Please move on, heal, and then get back out there to find a man who shows romantic interest. No hanging out with any new guys either – that is casual dating at best. Go out on dates. Let men pursue you, call, text and ask you out. When a man initiates, he gets more invested and you are less likely to end up with a man who takes advantage of your good nature.
There are much better men out there who want a loving relationship with a woman like you. Make yourself available so they can find you.
Want more advice about dating after divorce and the mixed signals men send? Get my book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing – Find Out What He Really Means
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
Going thru the sane thing with a guy I hv known for 20 yrs we saw each other at the gym but I had just gotten out of a relationship and he’s still going thru a divorce. Been seeing 18 mos off and on but never a serious relationship There is so much chemistry with us it seems like I text him first all the time I have learned not to anymore because he needs to treat me like a priority not a option I have met his sisters and son but not his daughters.
I have dated in between all this but it never seems to work Not sure what to do anymore to do or feel anymore he does say he adores me a lot
I stop going to the same gym as him because everytime I was there and he showed up even though he acknowledges me and starts holding me and kissing me I still don’t know what he wants with me. Been on two dates with him he’s good to cancel to be with his buddies on his Harley our intimacy is maybe once twice a month I don’t doubt he might hv someone else. Any advice.
Hey Zumbagirl – My advice is to move on. But this time really clean house. You have to go cold turkey or it’s too tempting to text and see how he is. After 20 years, no offense, but this is like an addiction. Hot chemistry is like that but sadly it isn’t any indication of lasting love. I recommend this book Women Who Love Too Much. This man either doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t capable. Either way you ‘re wasting your time. Other men don’t work out if you compare them to him. But hot chemistry is not enough. Honesty, trust, willingness to work things out, a desire for lasting love, mutual respect and an interest in building a life together. It’s up to you to decide you want and deserve more and then quit him – the same way you changed gyms- that was a great move! You can do it – good luck!
Hi, I am getting mixed signals from a man I dated intensely for a month. He has been divorced almost two years. He told me I was the one and he loved me, then we broke up during an argument. He was angry and told me not to message him and I have stayed away, Now, we go to same gym and he comes in after I started my workout and ignores me and will not look at me, though I did catch him looking over a couple of times. The situation is stressing me out as I have feelings for him, but do not say anything because he has acted cold and dismissive. What I cannot figure out is why doesn’t he join another gym? He shows up when my car is there. I get to use this place free because of work and make less than he does. He is stubborn and has cut off, his ex, his mother, his brother and told me he thinks his son would kill him if he could. He has a very caring side to him but I feel like maybe he is antagonizing me by showing up-to get a reaction. Please help to help me figure this out. I am having trouble focusing and sleeping. I am 50 an he is 49. Thanks, Cami
Hi Cami, You think he has a caring side? He sounds like a monster. He’s pushed everyone away in his life. What’s to like? Try going to the gym at a different time and park in a place that is less visible. If you have to walk outside and buy some weights to avoid the gym for a while. It’s time to ignore him and rebuild your life. There are better man and the minute you stop focusing on him, that will be your chance to move on.
I too had this guy whom I’ve known for 25 years help me with a work project. I fell for him. We went to lunch had coffee many times over the past few months (he always paid). Went to a movie had dinner a few times he did tell me he liked me and I also told him the same. I see how he looks at me he even told me I have this sexiness about me! But now he says he’s been alone for too long. But in another breath asks me to go to a movie. Now he seems to be a ghost but if he sees me he always stops to chat with me. I just feel we have so much in common and he knows that too. There is this chemistry we have when we see each other but I guess it’s just not enough. I’m very attracted to him and when we see each other it’s not like we stand 10 feet away from each other. I guess it’s not the right timing for him but I can’t stop thinking about him. What to do?
Hi Terri,
One of the toughest things for a woman is when a man doesn’t know what he wants. Sounds like your guy is conflicted, but at least he told you that. There’s nothing you can do about this situation because it’s up to him.
What I can tell you is that he’s not a good bet for love or a relationship. Take him at his word. Chemistry and liking you are not enough – you are right about that. He needs to want a relationship with you in order to move forward and have one. Don’t wait around for him – he might never come around. It’s sad but that’s the hard truth.
I know you like him but he’s not the only possibility. Be open to someone new and get out to meet other men.
Well, I obviously have to learn things the hard way….. He’s coming over this evening to help with my project. I know you said that I needed to just leave him alone, but that’s easier said than done and I really do need his (or someone’s)help and he’s the only one I have right now who is willing to do it. I’m a little nervous, but hope to act somewhat indifferent towards him, while also being cheerful and happy and FUN and paying more attention to any non-verbal clues he may give me. I have been going out with other guys (most of them only once – my choice) and I hope that helps me to not seem “needy”. I would really appreciate any input you might have on this. Any suggestions on specific behaviors/words to avoid or include? I really appreciate your help.
Hi Lynn, Honestly, there isn’t any advice because this man is not going to give you what you want. But if you need his help with a house project, go for it. Sadly, nothing you can do will make him change, be in a relationship with you or love you.