Have you ever watched any of the Real Housewives series on BRAVO? It’s a misnomer in countless ways, since many of the women aren’t housewives. This is a “reality” show in the true Bravo tradition, chock-full of drama between rich women in several cities. What has this got to d0 with dating?
Recently on the Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Killoren Bensimone, is a borderline crazy, ex model, turned writer-journalist. She was getting a mani-pedi with the divorced Countess LuAnn de Lesseps and they were discussing dating. The Countess has found love again with a French-speaking young wine distributor. She was telling Kelly she needs to learn to trust again because Kelly doesn’t even trust women friends. That was the Countess’s first piece of good advice .
However, Kelly doesn’t want to date. Ewwwoooo, that’s icky. She doesn’t want to waste time with such superficial things. Her preference is to be serious and evaluate each man for his romantic intent and husband-like qualifications. The Countess gave Kelly her second piece of good advice – saying that approach is scary to men. She told Kelly she needs to relax and just have fun. Great dating coaching Countess! My sentiments exactly.
During my own dating journey to find my husband (married almost 11 years now :-), the same words came from my mouth. “I don’t want to date. I just want to meet my husband.” Gee that’s realistic isn’t it? NOT!
Until I relaxed and decided to meet as many men as possible to find the one for me, nothing was going to happen. Why? Because that attitude is off putting to men. Not only that, but it will keep you from being open-minded and meeting new people. The very idea creates a barrier to keep men at arms length where you can’t really get to know them.
Only wanting to meet and date “the right guys” is about pre-judging people. Sometimes you maybe right on the money, sizing up a prospect from a distance. But there are definitely times when you will miss out on what could be the best match for you. Naturally you do need to be some what selective, but if your selectivity doesn’t result in many dates, um… its time to be less selective.
Women worry about the shy man and feel the solution is to ask him out, call him, etc. That strategy does not work and I don’t advise women to pursue men. Instead, what is needed is to be open and approachable. Can you be warm and friendly enough to attract nice guys? Often shy, quality men are the best matches without realizing it because they want the same thing you do – a loving, lasting relationship.
But, how can you connect with the shy guy or the good man from a distance? You can’t. However, chances are strong for attracting players. What? How can I say that? Because that is exactly what a player is good at! Spotting a distant woman who is ready to be swept off her feet and dumped on her butt.
Players enjoy the challenge of overcoming your barriers and don’t care about rejection because they know how the play the game. Plus, they aren’t looking for lasting love – they’ll be gone long before you can reject them.
For Kelly or yourself, as you say you want to marry, but you hold up your hand to the Universe, you send the mixed signals. ” I want but I don’t want” is a confusing message. Then in walks Mr. Charming who knows exactly what to say to win you over fast, take what he wants and disappear just quickly.
Isn’t that interesting?
You might think being super selective about dating and men, keeps you safe. But, it actually has the potential to leave you more vulnerable to skilled players. And, it also might hold you back from meeting good matches and ultimately keep you single.
Don’t be like Kelly! Her heart is still guarded and not open to love.
Push yourself to meet more men, so you can learn who will work for you and who isn’t a good match. The more men you meet, the better your chances of finding the right one for you. Dating is a numbers game. If you don’t play, you just can’t win. Its really that simple.
Photo Credit – thanks to BravoTV.com
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
It’s not always easy to see the truth. Good for you Dina. Wishing you love
Omg this has been me since my divorce.
My current bf is a womanizer who claims to have quit for me.
I don’t believe it.
Ty.
Dina
Ronnie: This is BRILLIANT! It runs so counter to conventional wisdom & the tendency to withdraw, especially when failure seems to be the ONLY option! Wow; the advice I’ll have for younger women (while retraining myself)! Thanks!
Nice analogy Julie – thanks!
Great article! Couldn’t agree with you more. I say, “taste every flavor of ice cream you desire before you determine to stick with one flavor for the rest of your life! In trying them out, you will find out what you truly love!”
: )