Dating After Divorce: Are You Stuck in the Fear of “What-if Land” ?

WHAT IFCarla, a 53 year old single mother from Chicago, called me because she is finally serious about finding love. She struggles with a series of counter-productive beliefs that definitely hamper her search. As a coach for dating over 40 and dating after divorce, it’s my job to help clients achieve their goal of finding love.

Yesterday, we talked about her many fears regarding looking for love. For example, “What if I can’t change my negative beliefs? What if  I can’t find the right man? What if  I’m not pretty enough or young enough to attract a good man?”

These fears are real and I respect my client’s feelings of course. But my response to Carla was, “What if you get hit by a bus tomorrow?”

I was completely serious with this question. Why? Because who knows what is going to happen? What I do know is that you cannot focus on what you want and what you are afraid of at the same time. And thinking about what might happen is such a waste of time and energy, unless…unless you are focusing on the GOOD THINGS that might happen.  Ahhhh…

It’s the Law of Attraction Again
Sound crazy? It’s not because that is exactly how the Law of Attraction (LOA) works. Remember LOA? Like attracts like – so when you focus on  the good things that can happen, you raise your energy to the level of those good things. Happy thoughts fill your head and permeate your energy field. That’s very powerful. And equally as powerful on the flip side. You don’t want to purposefully attract the negative right?

Here’s another reason.  You cannot create scenarios for all the things that might go wrong in your life. There just isn”t enough time in the day. Bad things may happen to you its true – but you cannot plan for them all. That’s the point of insurance. So let your insurance premiums do their job and stop worrying and wasting time on the bad stuff. You could “What if?” yourself into depression, low energy levels and panic, but that doesn’t make any of these concerns helpful or real.

The Simple Technique to Shift Your Thought Patterns
My over 40 dating coaching client, Carla, and I decided to create a REPLACEMENT THOUGHT she can shift to when she catches herself drifting into “what-if-land”.  She decided the best thought to combat her fear is the result she prefers to have happen. Carla wants to let down her walls so she can be friendlier and more open to men.  Smart thinking!

Every time one of these trigger thoughts shows up,  Carla will visualize a stone wall stone wallrepresenting her guard being up. Next she plans to imagine removing a stone or two each time she encounters her “what if” fears. As her resistance diminishes, she might kick multiple stones down or shoot the wall with a canon ball , until she manages to demolish the wall completely.

Research Backs this  Technique!
Don’t underestimate the power of these visualizations. They are extremely effective. Just ask any athletes who have spent time visualizing their success on the field. Research has proven these mind games are sometimes more effective than actual sports practice for improving results!

If you notice negative thoughts in your mind about finding love and recognize how this is holding you back, try creating your own replacement thought. Combine it with a visual and work it consistently.  There is no doubt in my mind that you can turn things around and find the love you want.

80% of Dating Success is in Your Head
Your dating success is directly correlated to your state-of-mind. Attitudes show up in your energy field and create an energetic signature. Women who are dating over 40 or dating after divorce (or at any time really)  and meet lots of men usually have a good attitude about love and a positive self-image. You can too!

Use the replacement thought and visualization technique explained here and change your dating karma to connect with the love you want and deserve.

Photo credit  IanWScott

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony,,, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

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