My Best Dating Advice about Testing Men
I was coaching a male client last year who talked about how women test men. I questioned him, “What do you mean by test?” He explained that women test men by saying something sort of nasty to push his buttons. They try to shake his confidence. Or ask questions like “Have you ever cheated on anyone?” as if a cheater would answer that truthfully! Kevin also said they don’t return calls, or even after he has confirmed a date, they stand him up.
I didn’t know these were tests and that a lot of women did this. I am very straightforward by nature. Not being a game player, I was surprised to hear all the games women play with Kevin as he genuinely tries to find love. (I know men play games too, I’m just saying I didn’t know women did this but apparently they do!)
Kevin said he has learned to give it right back and discovered this actually works. He says they often smile and open up. Are they just trying to see if he can take it? As if the men who can deal with a woman’s bulls**t is somehow more worthy, interesting or lovable? That seems a little um…crazy to me.
Dating Advice from Dave Wygant
Today I got an email from Dave Wygant – a well-known dating coach who talked about this very topic. He asked his readers if they test men and why. Dave thinks women are afraid to simply be themselves. So they rely on testing to see if a man measures up to their standards. His dating advice is not to test men because it pushes them away and I agree!
When I was single and dating to find love, I asked men questions. I wanted to know how they felt about marriage. Now, this is sort of a dumb question because what kind of answer was I really going to get? But I could tell how a man felt by how much he squirmed or if they danced around it. Ultimately it never produced any worthwhile results. Who knew that I was testing men?
Dating Advice from a Famous Dating Blogger
I know a famous dating blogger who insists on asking men the first time she meets them why their marriage ended/failed. She feels she has to know this before she can move on to date the guy. My dating advice is this is a terrible idea!
1) Why bring up the unpleasant topic of divorce on a first date? Talk about fun stuff so you can enjoy each other.
2) Why bring up his ex wife? It’s like bringing her on your date and three is a crowd!
3) If the guy cheated on his wife, will he really tell you that? I doubt it. What’s in it for him to be honest?
The downside is that a man will see you as a suspicious, insecure women needing to know intimate details before you get to know him. As a dating coach for women, my dating advice is – this is not a great way to start a new relationship.
Don’t test men or question them in-depth on personal details you have no right to know so early. It’s a waste of time and could push away a nice guy as easily as a cheater or player.
There is only one way to get to know a man to see if he has long-term potential – spend time with him. Observe how much time is between his calls or emails/texts. Does he wait three weeks to ask you out again or three days? Does he keep his word or is he full of excuses? Does he make time to see you or is he too busy with work or family? Forget your questions – talk is cheap and meaningless. Watch him. That’s how you’ll get to know if a man is worth your time.
At some point you will ask these questions. But later, when you start to trust and get to know each other, the stories will unfold naturally. Or you can ask later with less risk of turning him off.
If you would like more dating advice on how to understand men, register for the Love Mastermind starting Monday, March 11th at 8pm est. I hope you’ll join me so you can find easier ways to meet men and find love. Discover what works in these monthly group coaching calls and get the motivation and inspiration you need to find the right man for you.
Photo Credit: Shurik_13
CT dating coach, CT singles, Connecticut dating coach