Author Archives: Ronnie Ann Ryan

He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans – How to Turn that Around

So, he texts but doesn’t make plans. Women tell me they’ve been “talking” to a guy for a while which means you’ve literally been talking, texting, video chatting or emailing, but NOT dating. Let’s change that right now!

he texts but doesn't make plansHow to Get Past Texting

Texting and maybe even a few phone calls can be a lot of fun as you get to know a man. Yet, that’s not enough! He’s got to take that important next step to ask you out if you are going to have a genuine relationship-  not a virtual one.

What’s this behavior about anyway?

If he texts but doesn’t make plans, nothing can be more annoying. You click with this guy you met online, go back and forth for a while and but meet him! The texting is fun and you feel like you’ve made a connection. That’s why it doesn’t make sense and you wonder if he’s maybe too…

• Shy to ask you out?
• Busy with work or other things right now?
• Seeing other women?

You simply have no idea what the problem is. And this keeps happening which explains why it’s getting under your skin and driving you crazy!

You’ve asked your girlfriends what they think and get differing opinions. No one seems to know for sure. You might have asked a guy friend why he texts but doesn’t make plans, but that didn’t help you get a clear answer either.

How to Go from “Talking” to Dating

Once and for all you just want to understand – how can you go from “talking” to dating that man?

Now, I’m not a fan of being forward or asking men out. What works best even today in this modern world of dating is to let men pursue you. That’s the ONLY WAY you’ll know if a guy likes you.

When you ask a man out more than once, you have no way of knowing if he’s going along for the ride because you’re good enough for now. Like a place holder until he finds someone better. Another reasons is that he might just be bored – yuck.

Or, maybe he goes out with you because he really IS interested. Impossible to tell the difference right? How can you know for sure?

One thing I know for sure, you CAN’T KNOW if you do the asking. That’s why I recommend never asking a man out more than once. Never.

Fewer Men Are Taking That Step

For some reason, there has been a noticeable shift. Fewer men are taking that all important first step – getting past “talking” and asking women out. You can’t imagine how many emails I get from women like you who complain how he texts but doesn’t make dates.

It’s not due to his shyness. You don’t intimidate him, although I know that’s a popular theory among single women, especially the successful ones.

Many midlife men today have been crushed by women, rejected countless times or hurt and deeply wounded. So they hang back wanting to MAKE SURE you really like them. It’s sad really. So, this is the ONE TIME it’s OK to take matters into your own hands.

So, if he’s not going to do it, who will? Yeah, it might need to be you. Can’t believe I’m saying this but, I am.

There are a few essential and simple parameters that will help you know exactly what to say and do. If you stick to the script I provide below, don’t veer off or try this more than once with the same guy, you’ll be good to go.

Here’s What to Say to Set a Date

If you’re on the phone with him, (since you don’t meet men without speaking to them first right?) the call is coming to a close and he hasn’t said anything about getting together, try this.

Say, “It’s been fun talking to you. Why don’t we get a cup of coffee (glass of wine/beer) and see if there’s any chemistry?”

Then, don’t say another word, no matter how long the pause is. This way you’ll get a feel for what he’s thinking. There are a few different ways this could go.

1) If he takes a long time to respond – that’s not a good sign. He probably wasn’t going to ever ask you out anyway. Just wrap it up, say good bye and look for another man. You don’t need any one taking up your time for no reason. He had his shot, he blew it, move on. And do NOT look back.

2) He makes excuses like he has to look at his calendar or check with his ex or whatever. Excuses are not a good sign either. At least you know he’s not genuinely interested, so again, let him go and move on. Do NOT keep chatting and texting hoping he’ll want to date you some day.

3) If he says, “Sounds like a good idea,” don’t stop there! This is your next line, “Great, when are you thinking?” This engages him in the process of setting up the date. Don’t get off the phone without a plan. That means a day, time and place. If you end the call without a plan, you may never have one.

If he chooses a day you aren’t free, no problem. Just say, “That’s not good for me, what about Thursday at 7?” Always provide an alternative even if you have to negotiate timing further, so you have a plan.

If He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans

Now you know how to go from talking to dating that man! Don’t let his reluctance to make a plan drag on into the future. This is how you to find out his true interest level. A lot of men just want to communicate, but not meet. Spending time in this noncommittal way somehow builds his ego or soothes his soul. Women are compassionate listeners and empathetic friends.

Don’t Share Emotional Support Hoping for Love

However, the last thing you want to do, is pour your heart and soul into supporting some guy who seems nice, hoping he’ll come to love you and date you. In fact, don’t trade anything for love.

Women through the ages have traded sex hoping for love or cooked meals, cleaned his house and more. This is not how to get a man to love you. He has to WANT you and a relationship for this to come true. You can’t lure him into it or change him to get his love.

If he doesn’t want a relationship – that’s it, case closed.

Why support a man emotionally without meeting him or having dates? It might be somewhat satisfying and you’ll FEEL like you ‘re in a relationship even though there are no hugs or kisses. BUT YOU’RE NOT IN ONE. It’s virtual, not REAL.

Either get him out on a date or say, “Bye bye.” Block him if you have to because you are serious about finding love. You don’t let men waste your time or wrap you around a little finger to be at his beck and call in case some day he agrees to meet.

If You’re Serious about Finding Love

When you are serious about finding love, you value yourself and your time. Knowing you are worthy of more than “talking,” you don’t get stuck when he texts, but doesn’t make plans. You make tough decisions like cutting off a talker/texter and blocking him because you know you DESERVE MORE.

The WHOLE ENCHILADA is what you want and you won’t settle for anything less than a real, passionate, face-to-face relationship for an epic love that lasts and grows.

Having Trouble Finding a Decent Man?

Now, it you are having trouble FINDING a man you WANT to have coffee with, we should talk. Sometimes women have trouble getting dates and if this is happening to you, you are NOT alone. This problem is more common than you can imagine. But together, we can change that.

Why continue to be left out of finding love and the man of your dreams?

Let’s have a conversation and see if we can figure out what might be going wrong and keeping you from the love you deserve. Book a phone or Skype session (it’s free) so we can figure out what’s getting in the way of connecting with the right man for the lasting love you dream of.

Is He Really Too Busy Or Just Not Interested

Asking yourself is he really too busy or just not interested in me? That’s a clear sign and you can find out what this hurtful and confusing behavior means in this blog post.

is he really too busy or just not interestedHe’s Always Busy With Work

“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I always seem to meet guys that play the “I’m busy” card before they are will to hang out in person more than once or twice. And that makes me curious – is he really too busy or just not interested? Recently, I met a guy online and we met face-to-face after a week of chatting. We had a great time and texted every day after.

We met a 2nd time a week later. He said he had a great time and suggested that we meet again. After the second date, he went out of town to visit family for the weekend, then he would suggest plans, but no follow through. His work schedule this past month was weekends, but is off in the middle of the week. The texts got shorter, and didn’t respond to my texts.

I finally confronted him and he said, “It’s not the best time as I’m busy with work and too tired to invest in someone after work.” I told him I knew that was not 100% true, and he said their was no one else. Yet, he’s active on Bumble all day.

He’s Too Busy To Make Time For Me

He then added I was “forcing it” which I don’t entirely believe. I texted minimally and I don’t understand the issue in texting once a day since we are on opposite work schedules.

I feel like I am in constant competition with the other females online. I can never spend time with someone more than once or twice because I feel like I’m losing to the other females online … They get more conversation while men claim they are “too busy” to text me or see me again in person.

Please help me understand what this is about.

With Gratitude,
Amy”

Is He Really Busy Or Avoiding Me?

Dear Amy,

So you feel there are too many competitors – other women who somehow swoop in and take over your chance with a man? I can see how that would make you feel badly and wonder why they have better luck.

Let me start by saying I see two very different reasons why you might be having this problem. One is a mindset issue that can sabotage your dating efforts from the inside. The second is a practical dating error which I will explain below as well.

Feeling Competitive Sabotages Dating

Thinking that you can’t compete puts you immediately at a disadvantage – from a MINDSET perspective. Who are thee mysterious women getting the attention of the men you are dating?

Yes there are plenty of other women out there. But, you want to see yourself as a unique and truly wonderful woman who is a great catch. The RIGHT MAN will see who you are and be drawn to you. So, any man who seems interested at first but pulls away is actually disqualifying himself as the RIGHT man.

The point of dating is get to know a guy to see if he has genuine potential for long term love. The men you are meeting clearly do not have what it takes. They have a couple of dates and move on. Perhaps they aren’t ready for the real thing or you aren’t the right woman for them. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a great catch. You ARE for the right man.

How Confident Women Handle Competition

A confident woman who feels good about herself and understands how this works, knows the right man is still out there. She doesn’t worry about other women because she knows she’s a quality catch. So, she shakes off a man’s brush off and moves on to continue the search for “The One”.

However when you focus on how other women are getting the men and you are not, you chip away at your self-esteem. Dating can be brutal on your confidence if you take this personally. The more you focus on how other women are winning out over you, the more this will be true.

The problem is that’s a mindset that drags you down vs. builds you up.

I work with my private clients to build strong self-esteem every day. Feeling good about yourself is essential to attracting a quality man. So my dating advice here is to do what you can to build up more confidence about who you are as a woman.

Review Your Dating Skills

Now let’s take a look at the more practical aspect of this dating problem. When man after man doesn’t want to have more than one or two dates with you, that’s a sign for sure. It’s a sign to look at your dating skills to discover if you might be doing anything that chases them away.

This last man said you were “forcing it”. But you disagree with him. I think it’s worth looking at more deeply. What did he mean by “forcing it”? As a dating coach for 16 years, I think he’s pointing to your daily texting.

Stop Texting Him Daily

You said it doesn’t seem like a big deal to stay in touch daily with a man who has a busy schedule. BUT IT IS. The reason men don’t like this is because you are assuming you have a right to be part of his daily life.  So, as it turns out, you are INVADING HIS SPACE which is what he means by “forcing it”.

This idea of daily texting would make more sense if you’ve had six dates or more. But, you are just starting to get to know a man when you’ve only had a date or two. Daily contact is a PRIVILEGE you have not yet been awarded.

The flip side of this is also true. Plenty of men text all the time and never ask for a date. But that is his choice and you get to choose to respond or not. As the woman you need to decide if you want to invest in texting a man for days, weeks and months without ever meeting.

Usually the man hasn’t earned the right to daily contact with you either. He hasn’t qualified himself as worthy of taking up your time because he’s made no effort to see you.

Yet, women take his texting as a sign a man is really interested which sadly IT”S NOT.  They text away, building a virtual relationship and thinking they have a strong connection. Without dates in real life, there is nothing real about it.

Dating Is Like Playing Chess

Dating requires strategy because it’s like playing chess. You can’t get around this game. It’s just how it is so learn to accept it and how to play to win. Women who fight this tend to stay single.

I know you don’t want to play games, but this isn’t about manipulation or being underhanded. It’s similar to office politics. You can’t get around that either – you have to learn to deal with it. These are the facts of life.

This is why I strongly urge women NOT to initiate anything for at least 4-6 dates to gauge his real interest. Does he make time to see you? Reach out to get to know you and build a connection? If you do this for him and initiate to stay in touch, you are shooting yourself in the foot for two reasons.

  1. You can’t judge his interest if you don’t wait to see what he would do without you nudging him
  2. You invade his space, eliminating all sexual tension and making yourself too available

Men still like a bit of mystery and a chase. Most men want dating you to be his idea. You can flirt and be friendly, but do not pursue. You can ask a guy out once but never more or he could take advantage of you or lose interest because he KNOWS you like him more than he likes you. See how that works? You risk turning men off when you initiate.

Is He Really Too Busy Or Just Not Interested?

On a rare occasion a man who says he’s busy actually is. And that can be a sign he’s not making your relationship a priority. You get to decide if being second fiddle to his work or whatever is keeping him busy is OK with you.

Most often this is “Man Speake” meaning, “I’m not just not interested enough”. This is how he disqualifies himself as the right man for you. The right man would never put you off. He’d want to spend time with you and get to know you better.

Date More Than One Man at a Time

Now for some serious strategy to help you get past this focus on daily texting before you are in a relationship. Let me ask you a question…Do you date only one man at a time to see where it goes? That’s the problem!

When you are still dating around to see if you can find a man you click with, you have no way to know who will work out. You could have a great first date and never hear from the guy again. Happens all the time. You might have a few dates and then he ghosts.

The Solution

Want to know the best solution for your question is he really too busy or just not interested? Date several men who have potential at the same time. Don’t worry, this rarely gets to be a problem because so many drift off. And some never even get around to asking you out.

Dating more than one man at a time KEEPS YOU FROM OVER-FOCUSING ON ONE GUY before you know he is worthy of that much attention. You won’t get attached, hang on to his every text or wait around for him because you’ll be BUSY TOO.

So there you have it – tons of insight about your question – is he really too busy or just not interested? He might be busy, but chances are he doesn’t care enough about you or dating right now to make him worth your time.

The most important piece here however, is about your mindset. Building up your confidence is ESSENTIAL so that you can handle rejection better and definitely avoid getting prematurely attached to a man who will never deliver as your boyfriend.

Wishing you love,

is he really too busy or just not interested

 

If you want to learn how to build confidence which by the way men find very appealing in a woman, why not schedule a free session to talk about how dating coaching might help you find the love you want faster.

Royal Wedding 2018: Feeling Sad About Being Single?

Has the Royal Wedding 2018 got you down? You’re in good company. Watching all the hoopla has caused many single gals of all ages to feel sad they aren’t in love.

Royal Wedding 2018

Royal Wedding 2018 – Photo Courtesy of CNN

Where’s My Royal Wedding 2018?

I know you don’t actually expect to marry a real prince. But, it sure would be nice to be treated like a queen right? Or even a princess. Sigh…

Watching the big event last weekend was over the top. Were you compelled to seek out all the details and take in every aspect of the big day? The family, the celebrities, the flowers, the dresses and the extravagant romance of it all? Who can resist?

If you have any sense of romance, you can easily relish every voyeuristic moment, immersed in the fairy tale-like fantasy. For a little while, it’s highly entertaining. The dream-like quality of a royal wedding never disappoints.

Yet, even normal, every day brides often feel let down after their wedding. All that planning and attention to detail and feeling totally special for one day of your life and then what? Grocery shopping and laundry are back in the picture.

That’s why it’s not surprising you might feel sad about being single and your own lack of love life. Even though experts always say don’t compare yourself to others, now you find you are comparing your love life to Meghan Markel’s…

Is that a good idea? Definitely not.

How to Stop Feeling Sad about Being Single

How should you handle the “residue” of the Royal Wedding 2018 and the fact that it wasn’t your turn again?

This is a mindset issue. What’s needed here is a shift of mindset and attitude. I have a few exercises you can try that will definitely make a difference.

1. Make a List of Why Being a Princess Stinks

While the wedding was a total fairy tale, there are surely many things about being a princess that are horrid. Paparazzi, everybody in your business, no privacy, held to different behavior standards, scrutinized for everything you wear and say. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Bring yourself back down to earth and get real about the responsibilities and restrictions that come with living such a public life. No thank you.

2. Consider What Is Available to You That Is NOT Available to Meghan

You have so much more freedom! Think about what is possible for you as a private citizen that will never be true for Meghan again. For example, you get to spend your holidays with your own family or even switch to in laws when a man comes into the picture. Meghan probably will always have royal holidays. Focus on all the freedom you do have and how wonderful it truly is.

3. Shift Your Mindset to Believe Love is Your Destiny

If you are serious about finding love with the right man (and finding your prince, royal or not) your mindset matters more than anything. Do you genuinely believe he’s out there and you’ll find each other? If you can’t answer yes, I’m talking to you!

News flash, your subconscious mind is most likely getting in the way and potentially sabotaging your possibilities. You might want to work with me just to straighten this piece out because it’s the very FOUNDATION for finding love with the right man.

It’s time to work on KNOWING love is your destiny. You want to live and breathe it and not be open to any other options. This is one of the things I did to attract the man who became my husband. It worked!

4. Take Action to Meet Men

I don’t know how many men you’ll need to meet (or frogs you’ll have to kiss) before you find “The One”. But, it could be more than you planned on or more than you’d like. You want to create a Man Plan to meet a variety of men and find one you click with.

  • What are you willing to do to attract “The One”?
  • What steps are you ready to take to cross paths with quality men?

This is something I help my private clients with every day. To quote an old cliche, people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan. If you don’t want to fail in the love department, make a plan! What methods will you try?

The Royal Wedding 2018 is Now Officially Over

Now that Princess Diana’s boys, William and Harry, are both wedded, there won’t be another big royal wedding for many years to come. That’s the good news. You just suffered through what is likely your last. So, the Royal Wedding 2018 will not be plaguing you much longer.

If the wedding has brought you down, try these simple and empowering four steps to recover. I know you can do it!

And if you want help, you can always schedule a free conversation with me to talk about how private coaching can help you make the mindset shift to find the right man for you. Here’s the link.

 

How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure Or Even A Proper Goodbye

Are you asking how to get over a breakup without closure? I know how hard this feels. I lived through it myself! Check out these simple suggestions that sped up my recovery and will help you too.

how to get over a breakup without closureSurviving A Breakup

Breaking up is horrible. When the man you love ends your relationship unexpectedly it’s devastating.  Sometimes you don’t even get a proper goodbye. Men have been known to break up with their women on social media, through Facebook messenger, and by text. That’s so COLD!

Even when you break things off, it’s still emotionally difficult.

First, you want to know how to simply SURVIVE in the coming hours, days and weeks. And eventually, you’ll want to recover and heal so you can at some future point, find love again.

What’s the first step? Call a close friend and talk about it. Crawl under the covers. Get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Any or all of these ideas will help you deal with the initial shock of how to get over a breakup without closure.

The Story of My Breakup

When I was in my senior year of college, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up without one word. We had been out at a local bar and he got into a “mood”. He wanted to go home when the night was young. I was so tired of this, I gave him the keys to my car and told him I’d get a ride back to my apartment with friends.

When I got back, I told him to get his stuff together and I’d take him back to the dorm. He looked at me surprised. I just acted all normal and chatty. When we got to his dorm, he took his stuff out of the car, looked back in through the door at me and said, “Goodbye?” with a question in his tone. I said goodbye and drove off.

We never spoke again! No break up conversation and no closure. The University of Connecticut had 17,000 students and we didn’t travel in the same circles so, I never even saw him again. We didn’t get in touch to discuss.

It wasn’t easy but, it wouldn’t have been any better if we talked about it. We both knew it was over, even if he was surprised how it happened. He didn’t love me enough to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Somehow I  realized this wasn’t going to work even though he was the love of my life at the time.

I don’t recommend this, I’m just sharing how my big breakup went down.

7 Simple Strategies: How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure

 

1. Closure Is A Myth

Most people think one thing that makes this process even harder is a lack of closure. The idea of closure is about fully understanding why the relationship ended so you feel satisfied. Really? Can you even begin to imagine such a place? I doubt it.

While many mental health practitioners and experts talk about gaining closure to heal from a breakup, there isn’t much clinical agreement to what closure is or exactly how you get it. Hmmm, now what are you supposed to do?

The shocking truth is, closure is a myth! And, the good news is you can and will heal without it. That’s a relief because in many cases there is no way to understand. Sometimes the reasons for a breakup remain a life-long mystery. Thankfully, you don’t need closure to shut the door on this part of your life and move on.

Instead of seeking closure, focus on ACCEPTANCE. Accepting where you are will bring you all the closure you actually need. You broke up and the relationship is over. Not resisting this fact will make the healing faster and easier.

I stewed over my breakup for years wanting closure. 10 years later I finally figured out I didn’t need it! Looking back I could see breaking up was the only thing to do.

2. It’s OK To Grieve

The end of a relationship is a loss you feel deeply, which means it’s OK to grieve. This is a normal part of life and each person grieves differently, so take your time. The feelings of grief often come in waves and this is to be expected. Again, don’t resist because that just prolongs the intensity. Grief is something time does heal so get your box of tissues and have a good cry or two.

3. Don’t Nag Him To Talk About It

I know you think talking about this will help. If you could know what he’s thinking and why he broke up with you then you could accept it right? Or maybe you are holding out to change his mind be talking it over.  Too bad that DOESN’T WORK. This is not how to get over a breakup without closure.

The more you nag him to talk about it, the meaner he’ll be. Or he’ll start to avoid you and block you. None of this will help. Even though this goes against your best instincts, LET GO of your need to talk about it with him. You need space from him more than you need to hear the sound of his voice, look into his eyes, or get more explanations.

4. Limit Negativity

You might feel really angry at some point which is to be expected. It makes sense that a breakup will get under your skin and you may fantasize about retribution.  However, getting back at him by doing or saying mean things will not actually help you heal. Often this promotes guilt, and when added to grief provides an extra emotional wallop you’d be better off avoiding.

Tempted as you may be to send nasty texts, leave ugly voicemails or post awful comments on Facebook, don’t do it. The regrets you suffer later overwhelm any short-term improvement in how you feel. Definitely not how to get over a breakup without closure.

I know of women who took drastic measures to get even like cutting his favorite leather jacket with scissors, keying his car or talking bad about him to friends and family. Ugliness never leaves a good taste in your mouth, nor can it change the breakup. It just makes you look crazy and that he was smart to leave you. Instead, choose dignity and take the high road.

I would also encourage you to manage your thoughts. Naturally you’ll think over every detail, looking for reasons or remembering good times. Negativity drags down your energy, making it that much harder to lift your spirits. So, if you can find a way to distract yourself to avoid an overdose of negativity, you will absolutely heal faster.

5. Distraction Is Your Best Friend

Whatever positive actions you can think of you can take your mind off the breakup, do them! This is a productive way to shift your focus and energy. It might not feel comfortable at first, but distraction can be a marvelous method to avoid over thinking and brooding which brings you down.

  • Start a new project
  • Exercise
  • Do something creative
  • Learn something new
  • Visit or call a friend
  • Watch comedies
  • Pray or listen to something spiritual (doesn’t have to be religious)
  • Say affirmations
  • Set a new goal (other than love)

Then immerse yourself in these activities and channel that energy in these positive ways.

6. Increase Self Care

If you are the kind of woman who enjoys a little pampering, time to turn up the dial. More self care will sooth your soul and nourish your spirit. Whether you choose massage, Reiki or other energy work, mani-pedi, working out with a trainer, a new hair style or talking to a therapist, these methods ensure that you honor yourself and what you are going through.

You can turn to the plant kingdom for additional healing methods like aromatherapy with essential oils and Bach Flower Remedies. Both work on your emotions.

Epsom salts baths are inexpensive and have amazing healing properties. You can buy these salts at the drug store of less than $10 which provides enough for multiple baths. The salts draw out toxins and sooth your muscles.

7. Be Kind To Yourself

Some people have a tendency to beat themselves up, reviewing all the supposed mistakes you made that caused your man to leave. This is really cruel punishment at a time when you need to be extra kind to yourself. If you have a strong inner voice who deems you unworthy, please know that is not you true self.

Negative inner chatter is a learned behavior over time. It comes from parents, teachers, clergy and other authority figures, the media, siblings and people you look up to. The mean-spirited inner voice often says things you’d probably NEVER say out loud to another human being. So why put up with this way to treat yourself?

You’ve got to read Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carlson. This short book explains this inner voice and how to tame it. Super powerful, you’ll be really glad you got a copy if you beat yourself up often (and we ALL do it).

How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure

So, now you know how to get over a breakup without closure. The fact is you don’t need closure at all and it’s mostly a myth. With seven soothing and empowering strategies to recover, you’ll be back on your feet soon and feeling better.

 

The Zen Approach to Finding Love

Zen mind and dating is for women who are spiritually-minded and seeking lasting love. This approach to helps you see dating in a new light and open your heart and mind to opportunities to find “The One”.

zen mind and datingMindset Lessons from Nature

This is one of my favorite times of the year when the trees are covered with pink or white flowers. That’s one reason I wanted to marry in early May (my wedding anniversary is on May 5th).

That spring when I was dating to find love, I noticed something I had never seen before. When the bright green buds come out on maple trees, I had always thought they were simply new leaves. For some reason, that year I decided to investigate and look more closely. Turns out I was WRONG!

Those vivid green buds are flowers! Yes, flowers. Sprays of tiny lime-green blossoms cover the branches of maple trees, and for years I mistook them for new leaves.

These little flowers precede the flat seed pods that twirl like little helicopters in the wind. Honestly, I was astonished I never noticed this before.

So right now you’re probably thinking, “Really Ronnie, who cares?” OK, fair question but, please let me enlighten you.

How New Discoveries Impact Your Love Life

This minor discovery lead me to ask myself a life-changing question: “What will I discover this spring that I never noticed before about dating? How about you? Are you open to learning something new that will positively impact your experience and success?”

A previous student of Zen meditation, this felt a lot like what they refer to as “beginner’s mind”. With beginner’s mind, you approach every experience with a clean slate to make room for fresh insights and new experiences. You let go of expectations.

Does Your History Shade Each Man You Meet?

It’s only natural to have romantic history if you are dating over 40. The question is how much does your history affect your interactions with the new men you meet?

You still carry the hurt from the last guy who stood you up, broke up with you, or cheated on you. These disappointing and heartbreaking events can weigh you down when it comes to having an optimistic attitude about your chances to find love.

As a result, sometimes you feel suspicious of each new man based on how the last few behaved. You might actually expect all men will let you down.

While it’s wise to date with your eyes wide open, should you suspect each man of being like the one before? How would you feel if every man you dated JUDGED YOU by his last woman?

Zen Mind and Dating

Imagine if you will, meeting each new man with a clean dating slate. If you approach dating in Zen style, what novel opportunities become available to you? One thing is for sure, this will help you take the pressure off each new man you meet and any new methods to meet men.

Even better, when you start each date with a clean slate, you won’t drag as much baggage around with you. Everyone has history – no shame in that. Yet, it can be a limiting at times if you don’t put it down at some point.

Your heart can’t be open when you carry baggage. That’s the best of Zen mind and dating.

Clear Your Mind Before Engaging

Before you message someone on Match or Bumble, take a few deep breaths, clear your mind, and start fresh. Same thing goes for walking into a singles’ event. Let go of thoughts that hold you back or no longer serve you even if just for a short time.

Drop your expectations. Leave behind the baggage of disappointment and hurt behind, and release negative thoughts that bring you down.

Lighten up and remember you are a great catch. Feel good about yourself and your chances to find love. This is essential to how men will feel about you when they meet you.

So much of dating is about how you feel and present yourself! If you expect the “same old same old” nothing will ever change. How can it?

Shift to a More Positive Outlook

Instead, approach dating as if you are optimistic about finding love with the right man. He IS out there you know. This is a perfect way to apply Zen mind and dating.

Act like someone who is just new on the singles’ scene or still believes these methods will help you meet “The One”. This approach will absolutely INCREASE YOUR ENJOYMENT and improve your odds for connecting too. Positive, open-minded people are highly attractive and everyone is magnetically drawn to them!

Wipe the Slate Clean

Each new man deserves a real chance for you to get to know him. You never know. And, when you are open, you can be pleasantly surprised.

It’s springtime and love is in the air. The season is about rebirth and regeneration. Apply this to your dating activities and mindset and be open to MANifest your own true love.

 

If you want more ideas on spirituality and dating, listen to my free audio on 8 Ways to Raise Your Love Vibration

 

Did He Ever Like Me? The Heartbreak of Long Distance Love

Did he ever like me? Did he ever care? These are difficult questions often asked by women tempted by long distance relationships. Let me shed some light to help you understand what happens.

did he ever like meI Thought He Cared About Me

“Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I met a guy last year online, but we never met. We then kept in touch sporadically, and then I knew at end January I would be in his town in July (US/UK) When I told him that, things escalated and he came to visit. We had spoken every day prior to his visit which was 8 weeks.

He does have a lot going on in his life right now. Newly divorced because his wife cheated on him, his job is not 100% settled and he is moving apartments.

His visit was wonderful (we did get intimate). But, he said, “My life is really complicated and this is complicated, and I  cannot adding anything else” when he was here for only 2 of the 4 days. He seemed very attracted to me and was very affectionate.In his thank you text he said I made the visit “outstanding and very very special” and he was surprised how well we got along.

He texted once after he got back (pretty coldly) and I responded, and he had disappeared except for liking one of my Instagram posts.

Why was he so nice? Did he ever like me? Did I scare him away somehow? Why does he not even want to be friends? I have not reached out, but I feel really sad. I also do not plan to when I am there in a few months.

Thanks for your help,
So Sad in Seaside

Did He Ever Care?

Dear Sad,

Long distance relationships have many pitfalls and unfortunately you just experienced several at the same time. Sorry to hear about your broken heart and how sad you feel.

Let me answer your main question first – did he ever like me? Yes, I’m sure he did like you and care. Why would he fly to see you if he couldn’t stand you? And I”m sure he enjoyed your company. However, that is NOT enough to sustain lasting love, never mind a long distance relationship.

What do I mean? There are so many factors in this situation that lead to this disappointing ending.

Don’t Date Recently Divorced Men

He got divorced due to his wife being unfaithful. Ouch! Cheating leaves deep wounds. So, this guy needs healing. He wants to feel good about himself again and reassure himself that he’s still got game with women.

Then you two connect. You tell him you will be near him in July which showed real interest so, he probably thought how fun and EASY it would be to visit you. Anyone with a drop of romance can relate to this idea.

That means you were like a special salve to mend his broken heart. I’m sure he didn’t mean to break your heart in the process. On the other hand he was thinking only of himself, not you.

Romantic Flings

Women aren’t the only ones who enjoy romance. And what is more fun that a quick vacation for a romantic fling? Sometimes people meet at a vacation destination or they visit each other. Either way, when a long-distance guy comes to visit, this is not a “lock” that he’s serious about you.

Keep in mind a romantic fling can absolutely recharge your love life. If you’ve been without love for a long time, a fling can be a great wake up call to renew desire and motivate you to start mingling. Just don’t count on it turning into lasting love.

Why Was He So Nice?

Why wouldn’t he be nice? He wanted to enjoy himself and your company and being nice made the whole visit pleasant. I bet it was outstanding and just what his ego and heart needed. Even if he knew he’d never see you again, he probably is a nice guy. This was selfish, using you to recover from his wife’s cheating and pump up his confidence that he’s still “got it” with women.

Understanding Men and “Man Speake”

When a man says, “My life is really complicated…” what he’s really saying is I can’t be in a relationship right now. He just got divorced, his job is unstable and he’s in the middle of moving. When a man is in transition or his life is totally up in the air, he can’t think long-term.

Most guys need solid ground and stability before looking for a serious relationship. This stems from their drive to be a good provider which is coded into their DNA. Next time you are getting to know a new guy and he tells you things that indicate his life is unsettled, WALK AWAY. No matter how great a guy he is, he is not relationship ready.

Don’t hang out to see what happens and help him heal and regain stability. He might accept your help, but 99% of men then leave once they feel better to find a new woman. Why? Because looking at you reminds them of when they were weak so, they move on.

Long Distance Relationships Rarely Work

If I could get one message out to every single woman, I would say, don’t get sucked into long distance relationships. They almost never work! There is way too much stress related to not being able to see each other and local temptations. It’s so easy to have countless reasons why you just can’t get together.

If the distance is temporary (someone moves away for six months with plans to return), that’s a different story. However, if you meet a guy online from several states away or in another country, your love is DOOMED. RESIST LDRs!

Did He Ever Like Me?

I think this guy did like you but, now you can see that is not the right question. Instead what you want to think about before getting involved is:

  • Does he have potential for lasting love?
  • Is his life stable?
  • Was he divorced at least one year ago?
  • Did he said he doesn’t want anything serious, isn’t looking for a relationship, is too busy, his life is complicated, his ex is crazy, etc.

These are all Big Red Flags that you want to pay attention to and when they start to add up, go look for a better candidate.

Date with Your Head and Heart

This is how you date smart – by using your head versus relying on your heart and what FEELS good. That works in the movies, not in real life. In real life, your heart alone will get you into trouble. Be true to yourself and your desire for lasting love and don’t get side-tracked by those romantic long distance dreams.

Wishing you love,

did he ever like me

 

 

Want more? Get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes That Keep You Single

3 Warning Signs He’s Not That Into You (and It’s Time to Cut Him Loose)

via PopSugar.com by Ronnie Ann Ryan for YourTango.com

Are you living in a fantasy?

I’m on a mission to help women see the truth about their dating reality. So many women spill their guts to me about time they’ve wasted on the wrong guys.

They have a difficult time knowing when to cut a guy loose and move on or when to give a man the benefit of the doubt.

Continue reading

How to Stay Positive – Why Dating Is Like Shoe Shopping

How to stay positive while dating is a challenge countless women deal with. It’s not easy. But this fun analogy about shoe shopping will surely help!

how to stay positiveMen and Shoes – An Unlikely Pair

I know this sounds like a crazy idea, but hang in there while I explain to you why dating is like shoe shopping.

I had lunch with my friend Fern this week. She’s a skilled hypnotherapist, quite a character and tells a great story. Of course, the subject turned to dating (I never stop) and she shared this idea from a great article she wrote years ago.

This thought-provoking comparison is really good! And my hope is that it’s one of the best ways of how to stay positive about dating.

Why Dating Is Like Shoe Shopping

When you go out shoe shopping, maybe to Macy’s or DSW, you walk around looking at everything on display. You might need a basic black heel, but that never keeps you from trying on all sorts of shoes right?

Shoe shopping is such a unique experience because just about everybody can wear great shoes. Stylish, designer, funky, comfy or practical. There are so many options!

You gather up the shoes you want to try on and imagine how they’ll look when the sales person goes off to find your size. You wait with great anticipation. Returning with an armload of boxes, the fun begins.

When the Shoe Doesn’t Fit

Sometimes the pair you want most, the super hot, stylish shoe with a fabulous heel and wonderful detail, doesn’t fit! It hits you in the wrong spot, is too tight, or doesn’t have enough support. Whatever the issue is, your dreams of this perfect shoe that is so adorable are completely dashed.

Does that keep you from trying on the next pair? No way! On to the next! And the next. I’ve been shopping sometimes and have tried on eight pairs or more. All sorts of crazy, fun shoes with heels too high, or flats I’d never wear but, are so adorable.

That’s part of the fun isn’t it? Pushing yourself to new limits? Imagining what a shoe would go with in your closet. Or being willing to build an entire outfit around a shoe that doesn’t go with anything in your closet. But you love it so what the heck!

On occasion. you find a shoe that’s like a fairy tale. It’s gorgeous and comfortable. You don’t ever want to take them off. You feel sexy and imagine how you’ll look walking into the party or restaurant wearing those heels. You’ll wear them for years – you are so sure.

When a Man Let’s You Down

Say you meet an amazing man. He is so handsome, charming and smart. You go out on a couple of dates, but sadly discover he can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. He barely asks you even one question.

How could a man who seems so good “on paper” be so wrong? He’s sure not the good fit you dream of. He is like those designer shoes you really hoped would fit. Too bad they felt like cardboard.

Does that stop you from looking for more shoes? Never! Onward to the next retail outlet. Even if you’re shopping on Zappos and return every pair, you are most likely to visit the website again and buy another pair right?

Why Do You Give Up on Men, But Not Shoes?

Why, when you meet a man who doesn’t work out, do you immediately want to give up?

Have you ever bought a pair of shoes that felt good in the store, but after wearing them for a while your back or feet hurt? Or both? It’s a major bummer. You sunk some hard-earned cash into those shoes. Your hopes of looking totally hot crumble and you feel crushed, it’s true.

Does that keep you from looking for more shoes? Does it prevent you from staying positive about shoes? Nope, no way. Before you know it, you are back in the market, optimistically seeking a new pair to replace them.

Negativity about Men

But, if you go on three dates or see a guy for three months and things don’t work out, you want to give up. Maybe you think all men stink so why bother? There are no good men out there anyway. Or you insist, “Never Again!”

That’s why Fern’s analogy is a pretty good, even if it is rather unconventional and surprising. She makes an excellent point and this could very well be the answer to how to stay positive about dating and finding love.

Don’t Give Up – Look for a Replacement!

When your favorite shoes let you down, you look for a replacement. You don’t get downtrodden, insist shoes have let you down, and decide to forgo new shoes for the rest of your natural born life.

Now I realize shoes are not men or love. (Well that’s not exactly true about the love part.) But, you can learn an important lesson about dating from your relationship with shoes.

How to Stay Positive about Dating

Here’s an important lesson about love from your shoes. Looks and style can be deceiving. When your shoes disappoint you because they wear out quickly or aren’t as comfortable as you thought, its a bummer. But, not crippling. Why is that?

I think it’s because you know there are MORE shoes to be tried on until you find the right fit and style. Or at worst, there will be a new season and styles will change. That’s the basis of how to stay positive about shoes right? Trouble is, you don’t feel this way about men.

There Are More Men!

Just because one man doesn’t work out, disappears or breaks your heart, doesn’t mean you should swear off all men. There are more where he came from if you would only go look. Sure, take time to get over it and heal. However, do not let it roll into many long months or years. (Like the 18 years I wasted from 22-40, yes, my entire youth.)

No one enjoys getting heartbroken by amazing shoes or a love interest. But, you can and will recover and you can find another. If you have a bad date, shake it off. If you have a bad three month relationship and the guy ghosts on you, shake that off too.

Don’t give away your hopes of love and your power to take charge of your life, to the man who let you down. When you quit, he wins! This is why you want to learn how to stay positive about dating – to try again!

I Want You to Win at Love

I want you to find love. You deserve love. I’m a firm believer that love is your destiny. Women fall in love every day. You can too if you…don’t give up.

Keep going. Get a new pair of shoes and pump yourself up. Build your confidence. Find some optimism. Come up ideas on how to stay positive and active. Renew your conviction and commitment to find love. That’s what it takes and it’s WORTH IT.

Then go look for the man who will look great on your arm while wearing those hot shoes.

Thanks Fern. To learn more about her work visit her website.

How Long Should I Wait For Him To Call Before Moving On?

You ask how long should I wait for him to call me? What is the right amount of time to give a man to text or call who has stopped reaching out to you? Find out what works below.

how long should I wait for him to callWhat To Do When He Stops Contacting You

“Hi Dating and Love Coach Ronnie,

I met this guy in March when I was out with friends. We hit it off instantly and I gave him my number. He didn’t use it right away. See I’m divorced and so is he, but neither of us are looking for anything serious. We met on a Saturday night and he didn’t reach out until I texted him Wednesday. Was that the wrong move for me to make?

We ended up going out on a Friday and hit it off. But, so far he has been very inconsistent. I’m always initiating contact and have seen him two more times but only if I make the first move.

Honestly, having to make the moves is driving me crazy. I asked if he really likes me and he said yes. But, he’s so inconsistent I’m getting turned off. The last time I saw him he said his daughter would be in town so I haven’t bothered him and it’s been 5 days with no contact.

For some reason I feel he’s not that interested. Should keep texting him? I feel I should sit back and see if he texts but how long should I wait for him to call or text before I move on?

Thanks!
Waiting in Wellington”

Dear Waiting,

I sense some confusion about different dating topics from your question so I will answer them one-by-one.

6 Dating Questions Answered

1.Nothing Serious – Let me start with how you aren’t looking for anything serious. I’m sorry to disagree but I think you want more.

When a person says they aren’t looking for anything serious, this usually means something casual without commitment. But you want his attention and reach out to make it happen. That is NOT the action of a woman avoiding anything serious. You want to see him on a regular basis and that is not casual.

Be honest with yourself. You might not want to get married, but seems to me you do want to see a man on a regular basis.

2. Texting First – Is it wrong to text a man first? Not really. The point of dating is to observe a man’s behavior. He didn’t ask you out until you texted first. That is a piece of information to notice because it is consistent with his later actions where you had to take the lead. How long should you wait for him to text you first? A week maybe but then you can decide if it’s worth texting him.

3. Making the Moves – I get that you are tired of making the first move. So, I’m curious – why do you keep doing it? When a man doesn’t step up to pursue you, he’s letting you know he is a beta man who will never step up and rather follow your lead. Or he’s not that interested. The latter seems to be true.

His inconsistency drives you crazy but you are the one keeping this thing going. You might want to read about the Ballroom Dancing Principle of Dating which explains why it’s so much better to let the man lead for the start of dating.

4. Asking Him If He Likes You – Think about it. If you ask a man this direct question, can you really imagine him saying, “No I don’t really like you that much.” There’s no good way to answer that question without just saying “yes” even if it’s not true.

Like I said above, to know how interested a man is, you watch what he DOES. Does he call you at least once a week, text every few days and take you on at least one date a week? Not this guy – you are doing all the work and he is coming along for the ride.

Just because a man responds to your texts or requests to get together, doesn’t mean he’s really interested. He might be lonely, bored or have nothing else to do. You might be a place a holder – good enough for now until a better woman comes along. But it sure doesn’t indicate he’s really into you. If he was – he would PURSUE YOU.

5. You Don’t Think He’s Interested – Good call! You are right about that and instinctively know this. Now, next time this happens with a guy, you’ll know better than to keep trying to make it work.

If you are trying to figure out how interested a man really is, stop reaching out to him! That’s the only way to learn if he’s really interested. Don’t do all the work – that’s will never turn into satisfying love. Let him go and look for a man who is interested and shows you that.

6. It’s Been 5 Days! – How interested can a man be if he hasn’t contacted you in five days? That’s another sign he’s not into you enough.

How Long Should I Wait for Him to Call?

I would think after a week of not reaching out and not hearing from him, he is not the right man for you. Who wants a guy that detached? Not you I hope. No excuses are valid. Not you of town guests, work, or even health will do. If a man is interested, he will stay in touch, not go silent or disappear.

Letting You Down Easy

A lot of men hate to be the bearer of bad news. They resist telling you they aren’t really interested. Instead, they are passive and hope you get fed up and go away. So, while I appreciate your tenacious nature, it’s working against you here.

You Get One Shot

I understand it’s hard to wait around to see what a man will do. So, you get one chance to reach out to a guy who hasn’t started seeing you or one shot at contacting him after he stops connecting. More than that and you are at risk of keeping things alive and stressing yourself out. Don’t do it.

The final word on how long should I wait for him to call before moving on is that you’ve already done more than your share. Stop contacting him and move on. There’s a better man out there who wants to spend time with you. Free yourself up so he can find you.

Why Won’t He Commit? The Struggles of Dating Separated a Man

Asking why won’t he commit? If you’re dating a separated man, there are plenty of reasons why your relationship may be doomed. This post answers a reader’s question, explaining why dating a separated man is such a problem.

why won't he commitHe Won’t Commit to a Relationship with Me

Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I’ve been in a relationship with a separated man for 8 months. I’m 34 and he is 46. He is separated from his ex wife now for a little over a year and he’s confused. He wants a woman in his life and is even open to marry again. On the other hand he tells me he’s scared.

Even though he’s not ready to commit, he says we have a committed, serious relationship and agrees not to date others. But he doesn’t want to emotionally commit to me. I mean he probably can’t.

I didn’t meet his children yet, we are putting this for the future to see how things go. I’m pretty much aware of the dangers of this sort of relationship. I’m thinking of staying maybe another year since I’m finishing school right now with another year till I graduate. So, I’m pretty busy and don’t really have time to date other men right now.

He tells me he won’t need more then a year to heal but, I’m not sure I believe him since he was married for 22 years. I don’t like the feeling that he is giving me only crumbs, because he’s not willing to commit.

It’s so confusing since he calls me every day and says he is afraid of losing me.

Do you think I should wait another year? Should I give him an ultimatum – that if you won’t commit to me I’ll leave him? He is willing to finalize his divorce in the near future and knows that is bothering me.

Thank you for your advice!
Confused in California

Why Won’t He Commit to Me?

Dear Confused,

There are a number of things going on. Some are about dating a separated man and others are about you. I’m going to talk about them one at a time so you can unravel everything and hopefully, see the big picture.

Signs He Won’t Commit

He’s Not Divorced – When you date a man who is separated, he is not single or divorced – he’s still married. I’m not getting moral here. The problem is, he’s still legally and emotionally attached to his wife. Is he working on his divorce and does he have a settlement date? Did they only separate or did he file for divorce?

He’s Not Healed – How can this man be healed when he has not completed the divorce process? He says he’ll be healed in a year but, that’s nonsense. Who can say when their healing will be complete. He might HOPE for emotional healing in a year but, a lot depends on when his divorce is final.  Experts agree people should wait a year before dating anyone seriously or expecting to commit.

He’s Scared – It’s natural to be scared of getting hurt again. The truth is the man is unavailable emotionally because his divorce is not final. That’s why he’s not ready to commit and you can’t really expect that of him. At least this is honest.

He Can’t Commit Emotionally – I find it interesting that he says he is committed to you and exclusive. Yet, you say, “He won’t commit to a relationship me.”  He cannot be both at the same time which tells you he’s not committed.

He Didn’t Introduce You to His Kids – This is a HUGE sign a man won’t commit! It’s been eight months, not two, so if he really thought you’d be in his future, meeting his kids would be OK. He separates you from family members or close friends, keeping you out of the rest of his life. This is ALWAYS a bad sign for a committed relationship.

Are You Committed to Love?

Now let’s talk about what is going on with you because I’m wondering how committed you are to finding lasting love. I mean no offense by this, just want to point out your own possible conflicts.

“Relationship Crumbs” – I hear you! No one likes not being a priority or a man who withholds love and commitment. You feel cheated out of a full loving relationship. Sorry to say, this is what you can expect from dating a separated man. You said you know the dangers, yet here you are. Maybe its time to allow your discomfort to indicate you are running astray of your own love goal.

No Time to Date – If you do not have time to date, you do not have time for a relationship. A healthy, loving relationship can often take MORE time than trying to meet someone. And school is often the IDEAL place to meet men. So, my question is, is this a relationship of convenience, since you don’t have time to date?

A lot of women tell me they don’t have time to date which is why they are with the wrong man. Women do this for the sake of HAVING a man when they don’t have time to find the RIGHT MAN. However, being with the wrong man takes a big toll on your self esteem and emotional life.

You are responsible for deciding if you rather stay with the wrong man and how worthwhile this is to you. Just get clear about what you are doing because you could be SETTLING for the sake of convenience. You ask why won’t he commit, but I’m wondering why aren’t you committed to finding the right man?

You Don’t Believe Him

Willing to Wait – Since you’re a student, you are willing to wait a year to see what happens. On the other hand, you also said you don’t believe him when he says he needs a year to heal – you think he’ll need more. I get it – you like him and this relationship is GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW. It serves you to some degree. What’s another year?

The problem is, you’ll be even more emotionally invested a year from now, making it HARDER to leave. At 34, this is prime time for your baby bio-clock to start ticking. If you hope to have children soon, think twice about staying with this guy. He might not want more kids even if he decides to finally commit to you.

He Won’t Commit – When to Move On

My dating advice for you is to decide on the wisdom of staying in this relationship. Since he’s not divorced, not healed, and won’t commit, I’m not sure how this is in your best interest long term. You wonder why he won’t commit, but he’s not really in the position to give you what you want.

Do you feel stuck with him since you don’t have time to find a better man? My bet is you might like having this relationship to create balance with your studies, so you’ll stick with it until you finish school. That’s not the worst choice. Just be honest about what you are doing, so hopefully, you won’t be heartbroken when you graduate and finally leave him.

What would it be like to have an expert to answer your dating questions privately? Let’s talk about how coaching can help you. Just fill out the application and schedule your free consult online today.

How Can I Get Him Interested in Me?

Women ask, “How can I get him interested in me?” I’ve discovered four basic strategies most women rely on, but in truth, only one works well to grab a man’s attention and get him interestedhow can I get him interested in me.

How to Keep a Guy Wanting More

Single women take a variety of approaches to meeting a new man for the first time. In my 16 years as a dating and love coach for women, four basic strategies stand out. I’m sure there are more but, these will cover how the majority of women think about that important first encounter.

Let me explain each strategy, so you can figure out which one seems closest to what you do. And then, discover which one works if you are serious about finding love with the right man.

The Nice Girl

If you’re just nice, you’ll listen intently and add a little of yourself here and there. You’ll smile, nod, and laugh when appropriate. You tend to be a people pleaser and this is your strategy for meeting new men too. You figure you can’t lose when you are nice. But, is nice irresistible?

Nice might get you a passing grade, (Well, she was nice…) but it will not capture his attention, nor keep it. Unfortunately, there is no challenge to nice, no spice, and NO MYSTERY. This is not how to get him thinking about you or curious what makes you tick. Showing more of your real personality – the good stuff, is important to get and keep a man’s attention.

The Tough Investigator

You don’t simply meet a new man, you INVESTIGATE HIM. Your girlfriends think you should have been a private eye. That’s because every man must pass your test. It starts with Googling him, maybe the Stud or Dud App or TinEye to see if he is who he says he is and if he’s married, has a record etc. No man is going to pull the wool over your eyes.

After this first round which he knows nothing about, you have a series of questions you need answers to before you’ll consider dating him. He’s got to pass muster and it’s a vigorous process. You take pride in your own brand of interrogation to see how he handles the pressure.

Even if you’re tactics might be more subtle, you still want to know up front:

  • Why he got divorced
  • How long it’s been since his divorce was final
  • Does he want to marry again
  • Will he have more children
  • Is he looking for a committed relationship

You don’t want to waste any time with the wrong man and feel completely justified to qualify men in this manner.

Unfortunately, this strategy won’t make you irresistible. More likely, it will keep you single because there’s no mystery here. He’ll get defensive and know at least one man has done you wrong and that you do not trust men. Your underlying anger reveals all he needs to know and eliminates his desire for more.

When you start from a place that every man needs a good grilling before he is deemed worthy, you send vibes of massive distrust. Not so attractive and definitely not a fun date.

The “I’m Going to Be Myself” Woman

Your strategy is a bit different. You show up relaxed and ready to be yourself. That sounds like it should work really well. What could possibly go wrong when you are yourself? Let’s dig a little deeper.

You might show up for a date right after work without changing your clothes or more importantly, your mindset. You are friendly and talk to people all the time so, this new guy is just one more person to meet. No biggie right? Trouble is warm and friendly are good, but not irresistible.

When I was single and looking I talked to every body. I still do. But I was using my friendly approach without any feminine charisma. I didn’t dates this way.

If you’re wondering how can I get him interested in me, being friendly is only a start. Friendly is sort of like nice.

And that leads me to the fourth and winning approach…

The Feminine Charmer

Comfortable around men, you know how to talk to them and you feel desirable around them. You’re curious if the guy will meet your basic criteria. Yet, you want to enjoy that coffee or glass of wine with him just see if you click.

You are flirty friendly with a new man, tapping into your feminine charm which triggers his masculine nature. This subtle difference to simple friendliness creates the needed mystery and draws him in to want to know MORE.

If he asks tough questions like, “Why are you still single?, you respond first with a smile or little laugh. Then you give him one of your typical feminine charmer answers. “Well, most men aren’t like you.” Or, “I’ve only dreamt about men like you.” This turns the tables on him, derails his own interrogation, and puts you in the dating driver’s seat.

You know these little quips are disarming to a man and you flash him your best flirty, mischievous grin with a twinkle in your eye. You can do that because you rely on your feminine charm for all it’s worth, which is actually quite a lot.

Once disarmed or thrown off course, he’s super curious. He’s drawn in and wants to know what makes you tick. You are a mystery he finds more irresistible than the average nice, friendly woman. ou know you don’t need to answer every question fully so he is left wondering about you.

Show Off Your Flirty Confidence

When you relax and learn to enjoy meeting men, you will come across as confident and comfortable in your own skin. This puts a man at ease which makes you far more irresistible. You’ll make him curious about you and have an air of intrigue.

This is the female version of the “Bad Boy”. A confident woman doesn’t get all flustered by a man. She knows how to deflect hard questions, ask him questions that bring out his passion vs. defenses, and turn the conversation around to her advantage.

This approach come from a place of feminine confidence, not a masculine “don’t mess with me” place. Can you see the difference? You don’t need to challenge a man when you can play with him. That’s what flirting is – creative, spontaneous and playful!

This is the ONE THING that will make all the difference when you are out meeting men or on a first date. Flirty, confident and feminine charm are the keys to enjoying men.

Can you imagine the benefits of relaxing into your femininity and becoming more playful? It would change dating forever and help you find the love of a good man faster!

How Can I Get Him Interested in Me?

Give this a shot, but know you might not get it right the first time. That’s OK – its can take a bit of practice. The point is not to care so much about any one man or date. Take the pressure off, just meet men and learn to enjoy it.

This way, there’s nothing to mess up or ruin. When you are playful and relaxed, you’ll automatically be more confident. You’ll be more mysterious and desirable too, drawing him in and making him curious. This is how you separate yourself from MOST OTHER WOMEN. Give yourself this chance.

The more fun you have, the more likely you are to get out and meet men. Why not try it tonight?

Become the irresistible woman who lurks beneath the surface of your own skin. She’s in there – unleash the ties that bind her and let her lose on the world. You’ll have the best time you’ve ever had!

Want more proven strategies about “how can I get him interested in me?” Check out Flirt School with practical, easy tips any woman can use to improve your flirty ways and become practically irresistible to men.

 

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel? I’m So Confused!

Why did he ask me out then cancel? If you find this kind of male behavior confusing, read on to get the insights you need.

why did he ask me out then cancelHe Asked Me Out Then Cancels Our Date

“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,

This guys who works down the street keeps telling me I look great whenever he walks by. Then we talk maybe 2-5 minutes. Once he said he will cook me a meal at his place sometime and I said that would be lovely.

The other day he came over and asked me to have a few drinks later. I said sure.  At the end of my work day, he came by and said he’s heading home to shower and will call me. I went home to get ready and got all dolled up, feeling so excited.

Next thing you know, I get a text asking if I’d eaten dinner. He said he’s tired and felt like we should do a movie and takeaway at his place. This is my ideal, perfect, comfy date but, because I don’t know him well, I said lets just do a few drinks and see.

He asked where and I texted a place, then didn’t hear back so, I called. He sounded hesitant, said he was super tired and didn’t feel like having a big night. I felt really disheartened but, calmly said not a problem, let’s cancel.

Two days later I saw him and he said he was really sorry about how the night went but he was still feeling tired. Really? I’m so confused what do I make of it? Please can you let me know whats going on in his mind. Why did he ask me out then cancel?

Thanks Ronnie
Amilla

If A Guy Cancels Plans Last Minute

Hi Amilla,

Why did he ask me out then cancel is a question on the mind of many single women. I know this is confusing and disappointing. Especially after you got “all dolled up”. The anticipation of a fun night out is sometimes more than half the fun!

The good news is you shared a couple of important clues that helped me gain insight into what he might have possibly been thinking. Once you understand this sort of thing, you’ll be able to easily spot it yourself and won’t get confused. You’ll KNOW what is going on and will be able to walk away more easily with this knowledge.

This isn’t the reason why all men cancel at the last minute, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to reveal why THIS GUY cancelled.

Clue #1 -He Was Flirting with You

Some people just enjoy flirting. He saw you as an attractive woman and told you so. This made you smile and pay attention to him, so every one is happy. The only problem is that sometimes people misunderstand flirting since it actually doesn’t mean anything. It is fun and feels good. That doesn’t automatically mean someone who flirts with you wants to get serious or start dating you.

In the future, when a man flirts with you, go ahead and ENJOY IT! Just know while this exchange is fun and builds you up, it probably will NOT lead to anything more. And be OK with that. In fact, I encourage my clients to flirt and enjoy it because it makes you more attractive to all men. Flirting is good practice and healthy fun.

The trouble comes when you start expecting a man to take that next step. This does happen on occasion, yet more often, a man who flirts with you for weeks or months is simply enjoying the view.  He likes talking to pretty women but, isn’t going to ask you out.

Clue #2 -Dinner at His House

When a man says he’d like to cook you dinner, that’s code or “man language”.  Here’s what he’s really saying, “I’d like to get you into my bed. Will you come to my house?” This guy was testing the waters with you when he suggested this and you thought it sounded like a good idea. I get why – it’s nice when someone else cooks a meal!

I learned this lesson the hard way while I was dating.  When I was 40,  I was fixed up by a friend and met a man who was 52. I thought older men would behave differently than the younger men of my youth. When he invited me to have dinner at his house for our second date, I thought that sounded great too!

He made a lovely meal and we had an enjoyable conversation. As soon as the food was gone, he suggested sitting on the couch. I got a bit nervous so, I pulled the big coffee table book onto my lap and looked at each page really slowly. Eventually, I was done and he put the book back on the coffee table. Then he literally said, “OK come on already!” and started kissing me passionately.

I went with it for about 10 minutes, then decided to cut the date short. Standing up abruptly I said, “Thanks for dinner. I have to go now,” and walked out the door. No way was I going to be his “dessert”.

Cozy Dates at Home Lead to the Bedroom

Now you know when a man you’ve never been out with suggests take out and a movie, at his house or yours, he wants to get you into bed. Nothing really wrong with that if you are the kind of woman who doesn’t bond after sex, have expectations or think it means something.

However, if you are looking for lasting love, avoid movies at home for at least 5-6 dates. By then, you’ll have seen if he is pursuing you consistently (like weekly dates or more) to get to know you and show he is more serious than other men. Stay outside the home until you are ready for intimacy, because once you’re on the couch, saying no is much harder.

The smart strategy is to put off that cozy sixth date to discover if a man is genuinely interested or just wants a roll in the hay.  Even though it sounds like the perfect date, GO OUT instead.

Why Did He Ask Me Out Then Cancel?

Still wondering why he cancelled last minute like that? He was too tired to go out with you because he really just wanted a horizontal date, i.e. to sleep with you. Since you suggested drinks instead, he wasn’t too motivated. And he might not ask again. If sleeping with you was going to be easy, he was up for it. But, he doesn’t want to DATE YOU in order to have sex.

Now You Know

Why did he ask me out then cancel? He wasn’t serious about you in the first place. Don’t expect anything from this guy. He’s still too tired days later. Absurd right? Hope this helps you with understanding men a bit better.

If you want to find a loving relationship, go mingle and you’ll discover plenty of other men out there. Get on the Dating Sites or try Dating Apps like Bumble to meet men. People fall in love every day and I’m quite sure that means you too.

Want more savvy insights into understanding men? Get my book Is He the  One? How to Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr Wrong or schedule time to talk  about the insights you’ll get about men and dating with me as your dating coach.

 

Do You Rush Into Relationships? 5 Smart Reasons NOT To Lean In

Do you rush into relationships only to be devastated when it ends as quickly as it began? Here are five smart reasons to NOT lean in and take your time instead.

rush into relationshipsWhy Rushing into a Relationship Leads to Heartbreak

No one wants to date. Well certainly most single women looking for love don’t want to. One of the first things out a potential new client’s mouth is how she wants to meet the right man and would rather avoid dating.

Okay, I get it. You think dating is not fun. You rather get on with the relationship piece and that’s what you are looking forward to. Trouble is, how can you get into relationship without DATING? Dating is inescapable if you want to find love with the right man. It’s like a right of passage. There’s no way to find “The One” without sampling some of the available single men.

Desire for an Instant Relationship

The desire for an instant relationship is very strong among women over 40. When you click with a man, you want to move forward as quickly as possible. It’s like you are standing at the starting gate of a race, waiting for the flag to come down while repeating the mantra, “let’s go!”

Truth is, I felt this exact same way myself when I was 40, still single and decided to finally DO SOMETHING about it. I told my friends I didn’t want to date, just meet my husband.

I did find an adorable man who became my husband (we’ve been together happily for nearly 18 years!). But, it took 15 months and 30 men before I met him – Paul was #30.

Four Seasons

It takes TIME to get to know a man and to see if you actually are compatible or simply enjoying a heck of an infatuation. Experts and Therapists agree it takes all four seasons to know if you have a chance at lasting love. In other words, if you have two good dates, don’t start ring shopping.

If you’re the kind of woman who rushes into relationships, I’m going to give you five super smart reasons to take your time and slow things down. These insights will help you get clear on why rushing can ruin your chances for lasting love.

What’s the Rush?

Before you start planning your bright future together and picturing how wonderful it will be, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What’s the rush?” I know when you meet a good man, you just want things to evolve quickly into everything you ever hoped for. However, rushing is not the wisest plan.

There’s a book published a few years ago called Lean In. The author encourages women to go for it or “lean in”. This is great career advice, but big trouble for your love life and heart. Here’s why.

5 Smart Reasons Not to Rush Into Relationships

 

1) Lost in the Fantasy

Some women fall in love before they even meet the man. They have amazing texting or great phone conversations and fall in love with the idea that there’s a man out there who cares. This is human nature – the desire for love and support in a day and age when isolation has become more common than ever.

Even if you’ve had a two-three dates that went amazingly well, and he seems so into you, you still have no idea who that guy is or what he really wants. Some men will do and say anything just to get you into bed one time. Others don’t know what they want, don’t want to commit, or simply need an ego boost and some female attention.

There are surprisingly countless reasons why a man spends time with you but, isn’t the least bit serious and there’s only one way to find out…it takes TIME. Like 8-12 weeks with weekly dates if not more, and regular phone conversations and texting.

Once you are lost in the fantasy with a new man, you are the MOST VULNERABLE TO HEARTBREAK. And then you’ll need healing and time to fully recover.

2) Prematurely Attached

You meet a man who seems like he is made to order! His looks, his charm, his sense of humor and style. Baby you’re in LOVE. You find yourself completely attached before you know much about him because you are thinking strictly with your heart (or maybe your “loins”) and not your head.

The problem is, even when you start to notice red flags, it’s too late because you are ATTACHED. You have become emotionally invested with your heart set on THIS man. There’s no shaking you lose and this is how you end up with the wrong man who looked so right at the start.

3) Completely Off Balance

When you are lost in the fantasy and attached prematurely, you no longer have any sense of balance.  As you rush into relationships, you don’t take time to stay in the present moment. That’s what it means when people say they are “head over heels” in love. This lovely euphemism actually means you are tumbling out of control.

Then, as things go wrong, the situation becomes dire and hits you like a ton of bricks. You end up broken hearted  after just a few dates, over emphasizing the impact this man has on your life. If you are panic-stricken when a man doesn’t call again after two -three dates, that’s a sure sign you are off balance.

4) Lost Objectivity

Once you decide the new guy you’re seeing is IT, you lose all hope of being objective. Should any red flags pop up, you will ignore them or make excuses for him. You willingly over-extend the kindness of the benefit of the doubt, overlooking bad behavior  or poor communication.

You are totally smitten and if you’re honest with yourself, you know all common sense is out the window. Your heart is in charge and you have no chance of making a decision about your future based on clear thinking.

Yet, your objectivity is ESSENTIAL in dating because it’s the only thing that keeps you from getting involved with a man who is wrong for you. A man who doesn’t show you the proper respect, have the same long-term agenda, or love you the way you want to be loved will be your sole focus to your own detriment. But you’re in love and can’t help it! Oh no…it’s a runaway train

5) Shut Down Your Options

Since you didn’t want to date in the first place, the minute you connect with a decent man, you stop looking. You might stop checking emails on dating sites or apps or stop browsing for other men of interest. You rather see what happens with THIS guy and take your chances. Sadly, this choice will only hurt you.

Shutting down your search before you know you’ve found “The One” is often the cause for dating a man who doesn’t meet your needs. You feel locked in thinking there are no other choices! But, that is only because you stopped looking.

There are always more men to meet.

The Point of Dating

The point of dating is to sort through prospects to find the right man for you. It’s not to rush into relationships with the first man who pays attention to you. That will never serve you. Learning how to slow down will help you avoid the pitfall of rushing into relationships. You won’t get lost in fantasy,  become prematurely attached or off balance, lose your objectivity and shut down your options.

If you truly want to find the best match, taking your time is a must. The only way to avoid heartbreak is to SLOW DOWN. You want to see that a man makes you a priority and is consistent with his time and attention over many weeks.

A man needs to prove himself worthy of your love and devotion. To give your heart away before you know he’s “The One” is a surefire recipe for devastation.

It’s a Balancing Act

Dating is a balancing act, like walking the high wire in a circus act. Those well-trained performers carry a big pole to help them balance as they walk the line. That’s exactly what will help you find lasting love too. Tip the pole up or down to keep your balanced, stay in your head and not just your heart, and remain open until the right man comes along.

Finding lasting love with a good man is absolutely possible. And people fall in love every day. When you stay the course, keep your options open and slow things down, your chances of ending up with the right guy dramatically increase.

My hope is that you’ll give yourself this opportunity and never rush into relationships again. Lasting love with your dream man hangs in the balance. He’s out there – give him a chance.

If you are serious about finding love, tend to rush into relationships and need help gaining balance in your dating life, let’s talk. Please fill out this application for a free conversation to discover how coaching can help you.

 

Is 2018 Your Year to Finally Find Love?

December 29, 2017 via NaturalNutmeg.com

Do you dream of finding love? Someone to hug, kiss and snuggle with? How would life be different if you had a partner who has your back and makes you laugh? One thing I know as a dating coach for 15 years is that it’s never too late to find love! However, to find love you’ll have to DO something about it. Just like getting a new job or redecorating your home, there are steps to make your goal a reality.

Here are 10 steps to find love this year:

Continue Reading

How Do I Tell Him It’s Over? I Don’t Want To Be Mean

How do I tell him it’s over? What is the best way to let him down easy because you don’t want to be mean, hurt his feelings or just ghost.

how do I tell him its overHow Do I Break Up With Him?

Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I was reading your post on Does he like me? because I’m trying to learn what to do. My situation is a little different since this guy I’m “seeing” initiates dates and spending time with me. We usually see each other 1-2x per week. It’s a Sunday evening, a lunch break, or a couple hours before he goes to work (he works 3rd shift). I’m quite attached to him as he is affectionate and thoughtful towards me.

The problem is he did tell me a month ago, “He doesn’t want a commitment right now”. We have both only been divorced 9 months. He has 2 ex wives and 5 kids (2 are twin toddlers). He texts me daily but has only referred to me as his friend. In public, I can tell he’s very nervous about someone spotting him with me.

I know this won’t develop into anything more and I justify staying with him because I’m lonely. But I’m also quite sad that I feel a bit like a “filler” girlfriend.

My question is then, HOW do I tell him it’s over and we need to end this “situationship”? I don’t want to be mean and I don’t want to ghost. He truly has done so many nice things and has been there for me in many instances. Yet, in my heart, I know this won’t progress and I’m a long-term kind of girl.

I just can’t do “Friends with Benefits”. At 44, I feel like I’m wasting my time. Any ideas? How do I tell him it’s over and kindly end this without admitting I’m “emotionally invested” or being mean to him? I really need your help.

Thanks,
Moving on in Boulder

Endings Are Always Sad

Dear Moving,

First, I want to let you know I realize how hard this is. No one wants to hurt a nice guy. He treats you well and is not a bad person. But sadly, he’s not ready for something deeper and you are.

Second, kudos for being clear about what you want and recognizing the truth of the situation. He’s NOT going to change. Thankfully you are not stuck in HOPE that he will suddenly become the man you dream of.

Breaking things off in a mature way can be challenging. When a woman is angry, she doesn’t care so much about HIS feelings. She wants to express her pain and lash out. Maybe get back at the guy a little right? But in this instance, there is no anger and he hasn’t done anything wrong. You simply aren’t a good match.

Being smart enough to know the relationship will not go anywhere and you’re not on the same path is a blessing. Recognizing that you don’t want the same things from the relationship shows a good level of personal awareness.  So, while you’re disappointed and sad, you want to end this with respect. That’s admirable.

Just the Facts

What I have found over the years is that delivery can be more important than the actual words. The straight forward approach can work really help let a man down without being hurtful. What do I mean by being straight forward? State the facts carefully, without emotion.

When you start a conversation like this and you’re very emotional, you make it MORE EMOTIONAL FOR HIM TOO. Instead, open with, “I have something to tell you that is not easy for me to say.” That gives him the heads up something is coming that won’t be easy for him either. Saying this plainly and calmly helps set the stage.

How Do I Tell Him It’s Over?

Next, take a deep breath and be authentic as you tell him your truth. While you really like him and enjoy spending time together, you want a deeper relationship with commitment and partnership. And you know this is something he is not looking for.

Pause at this point to see if he wants to say anything. He might say any of a number of things, including telling you that’s not true, he does want a deeper relationship. Or his situation is just temporary. Remember, he likes you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean he can give at the level of relationship your heart desires.

After he stops talking, tell him you must remain true to your relationship needs so, you are going to move on to find a better situation. Tell him you wanted to explain what was happening because he’s a good man and you respect him. So you didn’t want to just stop or disappear, but talk about it.

Again, stop to see what he has to say. It might take a moment or two of silence before he says anything as he processes what he heard. Give him a chance to catch his breath and speak up.

Following this process doesn’t mean he won’t feel sad or have his hurt his feelings. He does like you which means he will be vulnerable. Yet, this drama-free, direct approach will help him understand quickly and hopefully side step an argument. When you avoid big emotional scenes, even difficult conversations can flow fairly smoothly.

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

This is not an easy thing to do. Staying calm versus all emotional and stating the facts will help you have a mature, even though difficult, conversation. This drama-free approach makes hearing the message easier and hopefully let him down easy.

So, in answer to your question, “How do I tell him it’s over?” Keep it simple and minimize emotion – that’s my best breakup advice.

Looking for more dating advice about your love life? Fill out the application and schedule a free consultation and we’ll talk about how coaching might help you find love faster.

How Talking To A Stranger Every Day Triples Your Chances Of Finding Love

via msn.com by Ronnie Ann Ryan for YourTango.com

Are you a single woman looking for love but, feel like it’s slim pickings and aren’t having much luck?

Meeting men in the digital age should be easy with dating sites and apps. Maybe you talk to guys on social media or gather with friends at parties or bars. You may even flirt with men at work. These are the digital and traditional ways many singles find relationships.

However, there is another way to meet new people and find love that few women bother with. What is it?

Continue reading

Does He Like Me? He Says He Does But I’m Confused

Ronnie, does he like me? He says he does but, I still feel confused. I can’t get him to plan a date. Here’s the straight-forward advice you’re searching for

does he like meDoes He Like Me? I Can’t Tell

Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I met this guy from Tinder 5 months ago and we’ve been talking on a daily basis ever since. We went on a date once and it was a fine date. He paid for my drinks, we hugged and he texted that night to follow up on what I thought about the date.

We lived in different cities, 2-hours apart. I initiated the first meeting with him and I told him I was visiting some friends because I didn’t want to seem desperate. Last month I was in his neighborhood again and I dropped him a hint so he would ask me out. He asked how long my stay was, but, didn’t ask me out and haven’t had a date since. Yet, we still text everyday.

In text, he did mention that he is looking for someone to settle down with and I seem like the person he would like to do so with but, he cannot decide until we meet a few times more. I have too many emotions invested so I texted him this:

“I’m aware that we should both still be in an open relationship but, since I’ve invested emotionally towards you while you’re still looking around, I’d like to take some time off”.

I wasn’t expecting a reply, but he said that he’s not looking around, but still thinks that we should meet more frequently.

Am I being to pushy? Does he really need to meet me up more often because he has doubts about a long distance relationship? I tried not to initiate first and he texted me back, even early in the morning which is really confusing to me right now.  Hope you can help me on this.

Thanks Ronnie, 🙂
Zoey

How to Know He Likes You

Hi Zoey,

I’m going to be very direct with you because you are asking for the truth. And while it would be helpful for this one situation, wouldn’t it be great if you could apply this to all future men? My goal is to help you GET this so you don’t
have to go through this again.

I’m not trying to be mean at all and do have compassion for you because I went through this stuff too when I was single. I only wish someone had told me the TRUTH about how to understand men and the things men do and say.

Think about this objectively, as if you were listening to this same story about a guy she likes and feels confused about. As if someone else was telling the story to you…

You ask with one date in 5 months, does he like me? That’s NOT the right question. The real question is, “IS HE SERIOUS ABOUT ME?” Liking you isn’t enough because he must like you to talk to you for 5 months. When you ask is he serious about you, with only one date in 5 months the answer is clear – NO WAY. NOT A CHANCE.

Now you may be wondering, “Why is he still texting me? Well, he’s boosting his ego or enjoying the conversation. However, there is absolutely NO genuine relationship because you are not SEEING each other and it’s been months! Even if you had one date in one month, I would tell you this or even one date in 3 weeks means he’s still not serious.

And if a guy sees you 3 times in 6 weeks, (a date every two weeks), he’s STILL NOT SERIOUS. Perhaps he’s casually interested, but not serious.

How Can You Tell a Man Is Serious?

This is the basic run down on what to look for to know if a man is serious about you. He wants to see you at least once a week and as weeks go by more often. The guy calls you to talk at least once a week and then texts in between. He wants to get to know you and demonstrates he cares about your happiness by trying to please you. A man who is serious always makes an EFFORT to SEE YOU.

Texting, FaceTime, talking on the phone, Facebook or Snapchat – these alone are NOT a relationship. Read this post on my blog about texting, if you haven’t already.

Am I Being Too Pushy?

Expecting more than one date in 5 months is definitely NOT pushy. How can you have a real relationship if you do not get together? So, you hinted and then you tried the direct approach telling him you are emotionally invested and none of it has worked, leaving you feeling confused and most likely frustrated.

I get you and I have felt the same, before I got wise to men and dating, which is why I now do this as my job. My mission is to help other women avoid suffering.

Now you were trying to push him away a bit with that text to see what he would say and he came back with something to keep you around. sadly this was pure manipulation on his part because he’s not following through to see you.

Understand What a Man Says vs. What He Does

Key fact about dating: What a man says means nothing if he doesn’t back it up with this ACTIONS. He doesn’t want you to see others and says he wants to see you more often. He thinks you are the kind of person he’d like to settle down with.

Really? Where is his PROOF of that? NOWHERE! If he wanted to see you, he’d make time. But he does not. That means this is a line of bullsh*t a mile long meant to keep you hanging and under his magical spell.

Emotional Attachment and Investment

This is EXACTLY why you do NOT want to text or talk to a man for weeks and months without dating. Feelings start to grow and you get emotionally invested in a man who has no intention of making you his girlfriend. Totally understandable how this happens. You feel a connection, invest more time, and then are emotionally attached even though he has not proven he is worthy of sharing your heart.

NEVER tell a man you are emotionally invested if he is not expressing his feelings through words AND ACTIONS. If you were a poker player this would be called “showing you hand”. You can’t win the game if the other players see  your cards right?

Once a man knows you’re invested without his taking steps to make you his girlfriend, he’ll stop trying. Game over. And this guy hasn’t even done any work to win you over to begin with. Men like a little bit of resistance or mystery. There’s no mystery now that he holds all the cards and you are empty handed.

Avoid being boldly honest UNLESS you are willing to walk away when the guy does nothing to please you or measure up to the bar you set. Maybe that is what you planned by telling him you wanted to take some time off. Then he surprised you by saying he wants to see you, so that confused you. It’s just empty words though on his part.

Long Distance Relationships Stink

Women from all over the world write to me about some guy who lives a few hours away or countries away. Sadly, the questions boil down to the same thing because long distance relationships (LDR) are almost ALWAYS unfulfilling and impossible to work out.

You might feel emotionally attached, but it is an incomplete relationship because you do not get to see each other for a proper relationship to blossom and grow. Over 99.999999% of LDRs DO NOT WORK OUT! Unfortunately, the vast majority of women think their situation is a little different than what I’m talking about this so feel this doesn’t apply to them. Which brings me to the word “HOPE”.

Hope is a 4-Letter Word

Never wait around hoping some guy will decide he’s interested in you. Men are either interested or not. No amount of waiting and hoping will ever turn things around. Neither talking to him or trying to understand him will make him become the boyfriend you were HOPING he could be or once was.

HOPE has an important role in life. In case of dire or life-threatening illness, hope is essential and quite a valuable tool. It’s good for hoping you pass a test after studying hard. Hoping everything wasn’t ruined in a fire before you have time to check makes sense. Hoping your lost pet will return is totally appropriate.

Hope is useful in all the above mentioned circumstances. But, you can WASTE YEARS of your life (and I’ve seen it happen too often) hoping a man will want to marry you. Or maybe you’ll relate better to this, hoping for a second date and wasting 5 months of your precious life. Keep hope out of your dating life.

The Quick Answer to Does He Like Me?

I provided a lot of dating advice here on many topics and now I’m ready to sum things up.

He might like you but, he’s not serious about you and never will be. Stop wasting your precious time hoping he’ll turn around. And in the future, don’t tell a man you like him hoping he’ll suddenly become the boyfriend you been waiting for. A man is either the boyfriend you want or he’s NOT.

Get on Tinder and Bumble and swipe right for LOCAL men which will make your dating and love life a heck of a lot easier than this long distance stuff that rarely, almost never works out.

I hope (this is another good place for this four letter word) you found this helpful and I wish you love with all my heart. Having read this post, you are more prepared than ever to find the right man for you.

I’d also recommend you buy my book MANifesting Mr. Right or someone else’s book to learn about dating and men. Knowing what to look for and understanding when men are not serious or showing real promise will dramatically improve your chances of finding love and speed up the process.

Lots of Love,

does he like me

23 Classy Ways To Turn Down Guys You’re Not Interested In (Nicely!)

February 23, 2018 via MSN.com Lifestyle 

Reality check: Every woman looking for love endures her share of unwanted male attention. Whether you’re online dating, going to singles events, or hanging out at upscale restaurant bars to meet men, you will encounter the occasional player or jerk.

Even though it would be wonderful to only engage with high quality men, this annoyance is part of dating and, sorry, it’s completely unavoidable. Some men are just rude, nosy, or j**ks.

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Why Doesn’t He Want to See Me Again? I Don’t Understand

Asking why doesn’t he want to see me? That’s a painful question leaveing you confused, hurt and frustrated. Read on to see why this is happening with your man.

why doesnt he want to see meHe Texts Daily, But Doesn’t See Me

Hi Dating Coach Ronnie,

I fell for a guy I met online who lives 11 hours away by car and 2 hours away by plane. We emailed for several months and eventually began texting, communicating almost everyday.

Finally, we met 7.5 months later. He flew to me and we spent 4 days together that were great. I have never felt so connected to anyone before. While he was here, he mentioned several times he wanted to meet again and even offered to buy me a plane ticket so I could visit him!

After he left he acted very into it. He initiated texting all the time and we often discussed meeting again. Eventually, when it came time to make plans to actually meet, he started avoiding the topic.

It’s Been a Year Since I’ve Seen Him

Sadly, It has been an entire year now since we met in person. (Almost 2 years since we first met online). We still text almost every day and talk on the phone once in awhile. I recently asked him if we could meet, his answer was “I don’t know!”

I asked why doesn’t he want to see me and told him how much this hurts. He avoided answering and  even said, “I don’t have anything to explain.”

What happened? Why does he not want to see me anymore, yet continues texting me? I feel like there is something very wrong with me!

Yes, I know I need to end it and that we were never in a relationship. But it almost hurts worse than ending a relationship because I have all of the feelings of a relationship ending. Yet, my feelings aren’t validated because it wasn’t real.

I just feel so incredibly stupid for falling for him and for allowing it to continue for so long! Yet, I still find myself stuck and scared to move on. I will say it really helped reading all your posts and comments,  knowing I am not alone!

Thanks for your help,
Fooled

So, Why Doesn’t He Want to See Me?

Dear Fooled,

I’m sorry to hear of the pain you feel and how hurt you are by this situation. Realizing you have not been in a genuine relationship is not an easy place to be. It shakes your sense of reality and makes you question your own judgment.

You are right! You are not alone! Many women fall into this long-distance and texting trap. There’s something that feels so romantic and special when you connect with some guy far away. It has a magical quality to it that is intensely engaging. Perhaps it’s close to the same appeal of a juicy romance novel.

What women doesn’t want a man to pay compliments, shower her with attention and talk about a fabulous future plans? If feels delicious and fulfilling and long overdo. Your heart opens and you want even more from him and so unfortunately single women allow this to happen.

5 Clues You Are in a Virtual Relationship

However, as an adult woman looking for love, it’s your responsibility to separate fantasy from reality. You cannot let your deeply felt desire for love or long-time overwhelming loneliness to take over and lead you astray. Remaining vigilant to stay in reality and recognizing a game player is up to you.

Here are some clues that should tip you off about entering a fantasy or virtual relationship:

1)Texting or Talking – He texts often which has been going on for weeks, months or longer. He might also call or FaceTime, Snapchat, or use other social media as his only methods of connecting with you.

2) No Dates – You have not met yet or gone on a date even though weeks or months have gone by. Or you met once or twice, but still mostly you text or talk on the phone for months.

3) Excuses for Not Meeting He has a lot of excuses, like his visa (if out of the country), work, health, kids, etc. as to why now is not a good time. Excuses pile up or stay the same over months

4) Long Distance – Almost all long distance relationships that start online or even on vacation NEVER turn into lasting love. When you think about it logically, the odds are super stacked against you. Yet, women end up in these situations all too often.

If you have a fun fling on vacation – great! But, do not waste precious time thinking it will blossom into moving in together or marriage. Enjoy the fact that you had a great time, relish the memories and move on to look for love locally which is SO much easier and far more realistic.

5) You Hope Things Will Change – Even though months have gone by, the man you are texting or talking to hasn’t made much effort to see you. Still you hold out hoping things will change. Sadly, they won’t. You cannot reclaim what once was – it doesn’t happen.

If you recognize these signs, then you are in a virtual relationship and I hate to be the one to tell you this – it is going nowhere. Get out before you lose more time to this guy who is leading you on and wasting your time.

Virtual Love Is Not Real Love

Free yourself up to find REAL LOVE. Let go of that texter/talker man because he is NOT working out! He doesn’t want what you want. Stop listening to all the sweet things he says and pay attention to what he is DOING to spend time with you. NOTHING.

That means he’s not really the right man for you. His talk of love is not enough for true love. It’s romantic, I’ll give you that, but it can’t fulfill or satisfy you.

Then, go meet a bunch of new men to find the right man for you. Someone who makes an effort to see you at least once a week, texts and calls you. A man who seeks you out and wants to spend quality time with you. This is how you find lasting love for real versus virtual love that’s unfulfilling and heartbreaking.

If you are still asking yourself why doesn’t he want to see me, you now have all the answers you need. The truth is – why he doesn’t want to see you is not the point. It doesn’t even matter. The only thing that matters if you are seeking lasting love and a life partner, is that THIS MAN FALLS SHORT. Way short. He does not deliver on the most important element – spending time together.

Don’t put up with a lack of quality time, excuses or your hopes that he’ll change. This virtual relationship is all you will have if you continue on this path. If it IS working for you, that’s fine. But if you long for more, wish he’ll go back to the way things were, hope something magical will happen to make your dreams with him come true, you are allowing him to string you along.

To learn more about possible mistakes you are making on your search for love, get a copy of my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You from Love

 

 

Why Can’t I Find Love Again? The Challenges of Dating Over 40

Questioning why can’t I find love again? Looking for love comes with it’s own unique challenges over 40. Discover how to overcome them and meet your mate.

why cant I find love againWhy Is Dating So Hard?

Have you been looking for love for a while now and feel unhappy with your results? What can be more frustrating than hoping to meet the man of your dreams and coming up empty handed?

Time is slipping by and you are still not meeting the right man. Why is this happening to you? Why should it be so difficult to connect with one decent guy? And most importantly, what can you do to turn things around?

I’ve been in your shoes and understand the pain you feel. When you have been single for too long, it leaves you wondering how you will ever be able to change your status. You struggle and fear nothing will make a difference.

It’s hard to imagine what could happen that will change the course of your love life. Who knows what will help you finally connect with that one amazing man you’ve been dreaming about for years?

Why Can’t I Find Love Again?

There are so many reasons why love might feel illusive. I put them into four categories:

1. Lack of Activity. If you do something only once a month or less, you are not actively seeking love. You may be thinking about it but, you need to take action weekly if you are serious about meeting you mate.

2. Low Self-Esteem. You don’t feel worthy of love. When you lack confidence, you attract men who do not appreciate you. This is because you don’t appreciate yourself or understand your unique value as a woman.

3. Anger about Men. After being heartbroken, cheated on, or disappointed, you have a bad taste in your mouth about men. You might feel most men are not good enough for you or that in general women are superior. This makes it nearly impossible to find a man who can jump the unrealistic bar you set.

4. Dating Knowledge. Last but not least, some women hold mistaken ideas about dating without realizing it. This can be the hardest situation because you don’t know what you don’t know. So you could be making devastating mistakes with the best of intentions.

Do you see yourself in any of these categories? Maybe more than one applies. It’s not surprising because these reasons are commonplace and many women suffer from a mix of reasons, leaving them asking, “Why can’t I find love?

What Can I Do to Turn Things Around?

The good news is there are a number of empowering steps you can take to get past these limitations that prevent you from meeting “The One”. After going through this myself and meeting the adorable man I married, and now being a dating coach for women for 16 years, I have a pretty good idea. Here are 10 empowering steps you can take to change your romantic karma once and for all to find love again.

10 Steps to Find Love Again

1) Clear the Past. If you want to find love with a good man, you have to be free from your past. You want to clear a space for your new man. This means toss old love letters and other mementos, get over the anger about your situation or your ex, and find a way forgive your ex and yourself!

Don’t skip this step -it’s really the most important. When you look for love without clearing feelings about your ex, it will be very difficult to connect with a new man at the heart level. In fact, you might attract men with similar issues which happens often for many women.

2) Believe in Love Fiercely. One thing that helps attract love into your life is a fierce belief in love. Develop a deep knowing within that love is your destiny. At this point, even though there is no evidence, you have no doubt of this truth. This belief gives you a foundation of strength to weather any storm or disappointment along the way.

Coming back to this idea kept me going wile I was dating to find my husband.

3) Love Yourself Deeply.  You know you are a great catch and you have an appreciation for who you are as a person and a woman. Self love provides solid footing for surviving rejection and establishing firm boundaries. When you feel worthy, you’re able to draw the line and not accept anything less than being well-treated.

4) Learn What Works Online. If you are using the dating sites or dating apps, you are taking the steps needed to meet new men. Dating is a sorting process to find a good match and you have to meet men to find “The One.” But knowing what works on these digital tools is not so obvious.

Discover what works by reading a book, taking a class or signing up with a coach (like me!) If you don’t, you are likely doing things that are getting in your way of success.

5) Meet 3-4 Men a Month. When you are serious about finding love again with the right man, you make yourself available to meet men. Your dream man can’t find you unless you are out and meeting men! Make his search easier by doing what is needed to have 3-4 first dates a month and you are on the path to finding love.

If you often ask yourself why can’t I find love again, it might be because you don’t meet enough men. No excuses – get out there!

6) Be a Fun Date! Are you a fun date or is your first date a fact-finding mission? If you tend to do detective work by texting, talking on the phone or interviewing your date the first time you meet, YOU ARE NOT FUN! Keep in mind he is checking you out too and you have to pass HIS test.

You will learn what you need to know with time, so do not ask why he got divorced right away. That will make him uncomfortable. Give a man time – you can share your love war stories later as you get to know each other. And if you ask before some trust has built, he will not answer truthfully anyway.

Keep the date fun, light and entertaining if you hope for a second date.

7) Keep Expectations in Check. Dating can be very exciting when you meet a man you like who seems to like you. However, you need to manage your enthusiasm because you can literally scare him away by expressing your excitement too soon.

Share your enthusiasm with a girlfriend, but be cool with your new man. Smart women play their cards close to the vest and let a man express himself first.

8) Roll with Rejection. When dating, rejection is bound to happen. You simply can’t avoid it because there will be men you don’t like and men who do not like you.  Managing your expectations better, you’ll also handle rejection more easily. And, get back out there faster. You can become more adept at handling the disappointments so they don’t drag you down.

Don’t get stuck on why can’t I find love again and feeling down. Instead, roll with it and just go meet a new and better man!

9) Remain Optimistic. I help my clients find a way to stay optimistic about dating. Holding a fierce belief in love being your destiny can keep you moving and feeling more positive. And when you feel positive you are so much MORE ATTRACTIVE to men! There are always new men to meet to chin up.

10. Persevere! If you are serious about having love in your life, you need to keep dating and meeting men until you find “The One.” When I was looking for love, my ability to stay the course kept my search active. When I wondered, “Why can’t I find love again?” I’d shift my thinking to the idea that he was on his way and I would just keep meeting men till I found the right one for me.

There’s no question that dating over 40 and in midlife and later is more challenging than when you are young. But I say, so what? If you want love, DO WHAT IT TAKES TO FIND IT! My matchmaker friend Nicole LeClerc from Compatibles in VT said, “No one ever looked back after finding love to say, “Oh what a waste of time that was.”

No way! You’ll know it was worth every crummy, disappointing date you had once you find that one amazing man who loves you dearly. The guy who is fun, supportive, generous of heart, and willing to share life’s up and downs. A man who is sexy, sweet and enriches your life.

He’s out there so help him find you!

If you want more dating advice for over 40 or any age, download my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single