He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans – How to Turn that Around

You’ve been “talking” to this guy for a while and he texts but doesn’t make plans?  “Talking” to a guy means you’ve literally been talking, texting, video chatting or emailing, but NOT DATING.

Let’s change that right now!

stop texting and talking and start datingHow to Get Past Texting

Texting and talking on the phone can be lots of fun as you get to know a man. Yet, that’s not enough! You want to spend time together and see each other face-to-face.

He’s got to take that important next step to ask you out if you are going to have a genuine relationship and not a virtual one.

What’s this texting and talking behavior about anyway?

If he texts but doesn’t make plans, nothing can be more annoying. You click with this guy you met online, go back and forth for a while, but never meet him!

The texting is fun, and you feel like you’ve made a connection. That’s why it doesn’t make sense and you wonder if he’s maybe…

  • Too shy to ask you out?
  • Busy with work or other things right now?
  • Seeing other women?

You simply have no idea what the problem is. And this keeps happening with new guys too, which explains why it’s getting under your skin and driving you crazy!

You’ve asked your girlfriends what they think and get differing opinions. No one seems to know for sure.

You might have asked a guy friend why he texts but doesn’t make plans, but that didn’t help you get a clear answer either.

How to Go from “Talking” to Dating

Once and for all you just want to understand – how can you go from “talking” to dating that man?

Now, I’m not a fan of being forward or asking men out. What works best even today in this modern world of dating is to let men pursue you.

That’s the ONLY WAY you’ll know if a guy likes you.

When you ask a man out more than once, you have no way of knowing if he’s going along for the ride because you’re good enough for now. As if you’re just a placeholder until he finds someone better.

Another reason he might say yes to your invitation to go on a date is that he’s bored and this will give him something to do. Or, maybe he accepts the date because he really IS interested.

Impossible to tell the difference, right? How can you know for sure? One thing I know for sure, you CAN’T KNOW if you do the asking. That’s why I recommend never asking a man out more than once. Never.

Fewer Men Are Taking the Next Step

For some reason, there has been a noticeable shift in men today. Fewer men are taking that all-important first step – getting past “talking” and asking women out.

You can’t imagine how many emails I get from women like you who complain about how he texts but doesn’t make plans.

It’s not due to a man’s shyness. You don’t intimidate him, although I know that’s a popular theory among single women for why he doesn’t ask you out, especially the successful ones.

Many men today have been crushed by women, rejected countless times or hurt and deeply wounded. So they hang back wanting to MAKE SURE you really like them before taking that important next step to ask you out.

So, this is the ONE TIME it’s OK to take matters into your own hands. If he texts but doesn’t make plans, who will? Yeah, it might need to be you. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am.

There are a few essential and simple guidelines to help you know exactly what to say and do. If you stick to the script I provide below, don’t veer off or try this more than once with the same guy, you’ll be good to go!

Say This to Set a Date

let's meet for coffee and see what happensIf you’re on the phone with him, (since you don’t meet men without speaking to them first, right?) the call is coming to a close and he hasn’t said anything about getting together, try this:

Say, “It’s been fun talking to you. Why don’t we get a cup of coffee (glass of wine/beer) and see if there’s any chemistry?”

Then, don’t say another word, no matter how long the pause is. This way you’ll get a feel for what he’s thinking. There are a few different ways this could go:

1. If he takes a long time to respond

That’s not a good sign. He probably wasn’t going to ever ask you out. Just wrap it up, say goodbye and look for another man. Don’t let this guy waste your precious time if he has no intentions to date you. He had his shot, he blew it, move on and do NOT look back.

2. He makes excuses

He says he has to look at his calendar or check with his ex or whatever. Excuses are not a good sign either. Now you know he’s not genuinely interested, so let him go and move on. Don’t keep texting and talking, hoping he’ll want to date you someday. He won’t.

3. If he says, “Sounds like a good idea”

Don’t stop there! Say this, “Great, when are you thinking?” This engages him in the process of setting up the date.

Don’t get off the phone without a plan. That means a day, time and place. If you end the call without a plan, you may never have one.

If he chooses a day you aren’t free, no problem. Just say, “That’s not good for me, what about Thursday at 7?” Always provide an alternative even if you have to negotiate to time further, so you have a plan.

how to get beyond texting to datingWhy Hasn’t He Texted Me Back?

Maybe you did ask him to get a cup of coffee or meet at one point, but didn’t get a response. Maybe he ignored the text completely, or that’s the place where he pulled back and drifted away. so, now you are wondering why hasn’t he texted m e back?

Don’t start blaming yourself. You assume it must be something you did or said. Many women automatically start evaluating their own behavior or review every word spoken to texted. This is likely not the case at all.

There are literally a million reasons to answer, “Why he hasn’t texted me back?” And from this love and dating coach’s perspective, none of them matter.

The simple fact that he didn’t responded or suddenly stopped communicating, let’s you know without a doubt he’s the wrong man and not worth your time. A man truly interested would NEVER do this!

He Texts But Doesn’t Make Plans or Ask Me Out

Now you know how to move things along from texting and talking to dating that man! Don’t let his reluctance to make a plan drag on into the future. Or hang in there being nice, patient or hoping he’ll someday follow through with you.

Move on, so you can find a better man – one who wants to date you!

This is the only way to find out a guy’s true interest level. A lot of men just want to communicate to flirt and get some feminine attention, but never intend to meet.

This builds his ego, soothes his soul or allows him to feel connected to someone who cares. You are actually providing emotional support without getting the benefits of dating him.  Most women are compassionate listeners and empathetic friends.

Don’t Support Him, Hoping for Love

he texts but doesn't make plansHowever, don’t pour your heart and soul into supporting some guy who seems nice, hoping he’ll come to date and love you. That’s like bargaining for his attention, thinking…”If I’m nice and supportive, he’s got to want me”. Never trade anything for love.

Women through the ages have traded sex hoping for love or cooked meals, cleaned a man’s house, given gifts, and more.

This is not how to get a man to love you. He has to WANT a relationship with you for your dream of love to come true. You can’t lure him into it or change him to get his love. If he doesn’t want a relationship – that’s it, over and done.

Why support a man emotionally without meeting him or having dates? It might be satisfying to some degree, giving you the feeling like you’re in a relationship. BUT YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. It’s virtual, not REAL.

Either get him out on a date or say, “Bye-bye!” Block him if you have to because you are serious about finding love, and you won’t let some guy string you along.

If he texts but doesn’t make plans, don’t let him waste your time or wrap you around his little finger to be at his beck and call in case someday he agrees to meet you.

If You’re Serious About Finding Love

When you are serious about finding lasting love and a long-term relationship, you value yourself and your time. Knowing you are worthy of more than “talking,” you don’t get sucked in when he texts but doesn’t make plans.

You make tough decisions like cutting off a talker/texter and blocking him because you know you DESERVE MORE.

You won’t settle for anything less than a real, passionate, face-to-face relationship for an epic love that lasts and grows!

 

If you’re looking for more about texting and heart breaking mistakes you want to avoid, download my book 7 Deadly Sins of Texting 

 

Understand Men: Mixed Signals from Men Are So Confusing

how to understand men

Discover how to understand men and their mixed signals which can be confusing. Texting, canceling, cooking you dinner, what does it all mean?

understand menWhat Do His Mixed Signals Mean?

“Hi Ronnie Love & Dating Coach for Women,

I need some help to understand men. Two months ago I was in another town on business. When I got to my hotel that night a guy I went to High School with had messaged me on Facebook saying he thought he had seen me in his town and had I been there? I told him I had. We exchanged a few short messages, then he asked me to dinner. I told him I was leaving town the next day. He said to let him know the next time I was in town and we could “grab a bite to eat.”

Three weeks later I let him know I would be in town the next day. He said that unfortunately he was busy and he couldn’t make it. But when I pulled into town the next day he texted me and asked me to lunch. We met for an hour. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. He’s 40. I’m 39.

He Didn’t Make Future Plans

We left the lunch with no future plan. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a date or not. A few hours later I texted him to say it was great seeing him. He said he loved chatting and “let’s do it again sometime.” Honestly, I don’t understand men.

via GIPHY
So, a few weeks later I let him know I’d be in town in a few days and asked if he wanted to get together. He invited me to his house for dinner. He’s a trustworthy guy so I accepted. Still couldn’t tell if it was a date.

The night before he called to cancel because he had to work. But he said we needed to get together the next time I was in town. I wondered if that was a way of him deciding he wasn’t into me.

I gave it one more shot, texting him the other day that I’d be in town again and would he let me treat him to dinner? He accepted, but today he texted and asked, if it’s it okay for him to cook me dinner at his place.

I can’t figure this out. Is this guy trying to pursue me or is this just a friend hosting a friend when I’m out of town on business? I’m totally into him. He’s very grounded and a kind person. I want him to like me. I just can’t tell if he likes me as a date or as a friend.

Ronnie, please advise me what to do!
Thanks,

Wanting Him”

understanding what his mixed signals meanHelp With His Mixed Signals

Dear Wanting Him,

Being a dating expert, here’s what I understand about men. When a man cooks you dinner, in his mind, sex with you is for dessert. This happened to me more than once when I was dating. And I continue to see it with many of my clients.

Making you dinner is not about friendship, but it’s not about a relationship either. Don’t have dinner at his house unless you plan on sleeping with him. Even though you know him, I strongly advise that you keep your get togethers in public, so you don’t end up heartbroken.

As a love and dating coach for 20 years, I’ve observed plenty of male behavior to understand men and their mixed signals, games and nuances.

Unfortunately, you have put yourself in a difficult position because you keep communicating first, letting him know when you’re in town. In a relationship where a man is genuinely interested, you would not have to do this.

My best dating advice is that your high school buddy is hoping to get lucky.

5 Insights on His True Intentions

understand a man's true intentions1. If he kept in touch between visits, he’d know when you were coming to town and could pursue you. Since he is not doing that, he is NOT pursuing you. In fact, you are doing his job for him by texting and initialing dates.

2. Cancelling plans does happen on occasion. But, he could be seeing other women which causes him to cancel. His excuses about work could be true, but I doubt it. It’s just so typical of the excuses I hear.

3. Another clue he’s not pursuing you is how after he left you with the vague closing, “Let’s do it again sometime.”  That’s not the sign of a man pursuing you. To be clear about how to understand men, an interested guy would say, “Let’s do it again; when will you be back in town?”

4. Preferring to make dinner at his place does more to ensure he can make a move on you then anything else. It’s a proven strategy for men to get a woman into bed. If you’re willing to go to his house, that gives him the impression he can maneuver the rest.

5. Texting and Facebook are supplementary methods of communication, not the primary choice of a man with genuine interest. And, he’s not trying to reconnect and get to know who you are now. So while it seems like he is sending mixed signals now you have a good idea of how to understand men.

Here’s more on men who are inconsistent in their pursuit.

When A Guy Confuses You, That Tells You Something Right There

understand men and mixed signals

This is why you feel he’s sending mixed signals. He’s not being clear because he knows you want more than he’s willing to give. But he can’t say that since he has his own agenda (hoping to hop in the sack with you).

However, he’s not putting in any effort into winning you over. That’s why you can’t tell if this is a date or friendship. And it’s also a signal he’s not serious about you.

You want a relationship that hopefully builds to lasting love. That’s the Real Deal. However, when a man behaves like this, he actually is being very CLEAR. He’s demonstrating that he’s not into you enough to pursue you, but happy to sleep with you if you make it easy.

The way to understand men and what is really going on is actually more simple than you might think.

How to Respond to Mixed Signals

Sometimes women think talking to a guy to understand what he’s thinking will help and change everything. They imagine how having a direct, open and honest conversation will automatically clear things up. Unfortunately, this is not true.

The reason this doesn’t work is that men might not want to have an open, honest conversation. And they definitely don’t like confrontation, particularly during the initial stages of dating.

Another point to keep in mind is that some men don’t know what they want. Others just want to sleep with you, but aren’t about to say that to make themselves transparent. That’s why there are often so many mixed signals.

For these reasons, my dating advice is to stop texting and letting him know when you will be around. Don’t initiate any contact and leave the ball in his court. If this high school buddy seriously wants to see you, he knows what to do. And if not, you’ll be completely clear about his intentions.

Pulling away is often the only way to know how important you are to a man during the early stages of dating.

If you want more expert dating advice on understanding mixed signals, download my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing

 

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Why Did He Lose Interest So Fast? Understanding Men

why did he lose interest

Why did he lose interest so fast? This is a common and painful question women ask as they date and look for love. Here are some answers to help you with understanding men.

why did he lose interest How Did He Lose Interest After the First Date?

“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie!

I met a guy online through a dating app. We hit it off immediately and before we had even met he was making plans with me to go out and do things. We would video chat, talk on the phone, and text constantly. We had our first date a week ago (Thursday) which I feel went pretty well.

Like I said, we had so many plans and throughout our date he was talking about them constantly. It has now been a week since our date and he contacts me almost daily, but its nothing like what it used to be.

We don’t talk on the phone anymore and we hardly ever text. When we do, he will simply stop replying after a while.

I haven’t really initiated contact with him, maybe once or twice, but just to say hi. I am just wondering if you think he has lost interest in me, seeing he doesn’t talk to me nearly as much as he used to.

What is your opinion? I’m trying not to worry about it, but I really enjoyed my time with him and was looking forward to the plans we had made.

Thanks,
Laurie”

Why Do Guys Lose Interest After the Chase?

I know he liked m so why'd he disappear

Dear Laurie,

Dating can be confusing and disappointing. That’s why I help my clients spot the signs of a man who is likely to waste your time. Learning about the red flags will keep you from putting your hopes on the wrong guys and keep you free to find the right man for you.

There are many possible answers to your question, “Why did he lose interest so fast?” I’ve provided 7 reasons below, but please don’t be put off by any of them. I will explain why in the next section.

His Own Reasons for One Date

  1. He wasn’t looking for more than one date
  2. He had a good time, but wants to see who else is out there
  3. He’s just playing the field
  4. He wants female attention, but doesn’t want a relationship
  5. He needed an ego boost
  6. He doesn’t know what he wants
  7. He was bored and wanted to do something fun

why do guys disappear after the chaseMen and women have many reasons to meet new people and date. Often it has nothing to do with getting into a serious relationship.

Some singles go on many first dates because they are looking for a certain type of person. Or they just want an ego boost to build confidence.

Sometimes people aren’t ready for anything serious, but enjoy meeting new people. You get the idea – it isn’t always about finding “The One” or lasting love.

Reasons He Lost Interest in You

  1. You reminded him of a past lover, so he moved on
  2. He didn’t find you as attractive in person
  3. You just weren’t the woman he’s looking for
  4. He didn’t have as much fun as you did
  5. You tipped off one of his red flags

As a single woman, you know you aren’t going to please every man, just like every man won’t work for you either. Yes, you are looking for that special someone which automatically means most people will not be a match. That’s a part of dating and to be expected.

So, even though it seemed like you both had a good time, maybe he was looking for something else. Truth is, anyone can have a good time, but still not want a second date.

Try not to take it personally when you get rejected after just one date. I’ve listed 12 possible reasons he may have lost interest, but you can imagine how many more there are.

When you ask, “Why did he lose interest so fast?” what you really want to rethink is how interested he was in the first place. And this might be a good time to ask yourself if you rush into relationships. Even though you may be excited about a new man, your best attitude until he proves himself over time is, “We’ll see.”

Read more about rushing into relationships here.

Texting & Talking Are Not Signs of Interest

This is why I recommend not communicating a lot prior to meeting. Because many singles confuse texting or talking on the phone as genuine interest. But it might be he had nothing better to do. Or you were fun to text or talk to. Sadly, that doesn’t mean he wants a relationship, even if he says he does.

I tell clients to avoid long phone calls, constant texting and video chats before you meet. Why? Because that lulls you into thinking there is something really good happening.

Find out why you should stop texting him.

Women assign meaning to all the conversation and assume the man MUST really like them. This is especially true if a guy opens up and shares things about his life. Sadly, it actually means nothing.

Talking to You Boosts His Ego

Some men love to talk about themselves. They like to flirt or feel lonely and want female attention. All that communication is fabulous for the ego.

After a conversation with you he probably felt exhilarated and manly. Like he could hit on any woman and have success. It makes a man feel desired and vital. And for some men already in a relationship, it’s a great way to interact with multiple women without physically cheating.

My dating advice is to text only a few times a day and never talk on the phone every night.

why didn't he call againYou are a desirable woman who has places to go and people to see. You don’t want to let on you’re free every night waiting for his call. That doesn’t provide any mystery or chase and men like both. They want to feel like they are winning you over.

When you do meet, you wait to see how long it takes for him to want more, call and schedule another date. When a week or more goes by, that can be a sign he’s really not that interested after all.

Since you had lots of communication, you thought he was seriously interested which is why you wondered, “Why did he lose interest so fast?” His still being in touch tells me he is connecting with a bunch of women to feed his ego.

It’s Not What a Man Says, But What He Does

Making plans for the future before a man meets you is a classic seduction technique. You are bound to like a guy who is already planning your future before he even meets you, right? It’s a way to guarantee you’re interest in him. Future plans only matter when a man consistently asks you out over time.

How to Handle Communication Before You Meet

The next time you meet a guy, text a few times a day, but don’t respond immediately every time. Have one 20-minute phone conversation and then set up a date to meet. Avoid over communicating and stop texting all the time.

I also recommend going out with other men while you wait to see if the first guy asks for a second or third date or ends up disappearing.

This is how to keep yourself from getting so disappointed and feeling deflated. Now you know better than to think a man is seriously interested just because he paid attention to you.

After interacting with a few more guys, you’ll get better at spotting this red flag. The man who loves to text, talk and makes plans, but evaporates after a first date. Or worse, the man who texts and talks for months without having any intention to meet you.

Just in case you made any mistakes on your first date that may have turned him off, I recommend you listen to my free audio program 12 First Date Mistakes That Ruin Your Chances for Love.

Understanding Men – How to Weed Out the Wrong Guys

understanding men

Have trouble understanding men and want to learn how to weed out the wrong guys? Follow these tips before you sleep with a guy to guard your heart.

understanding menHow to Qualify the Men You Date

Can you determine if a man is date-worthy before you meet or before you sleep together? Yes! There are certain things you want to watch for to figure out if a guy is seeking a long-term relationship or a fling.

This method is not fool proof, but helps you weed out the vast majority of players, men who want to be causal, or aren’t sure what they want. I want to be sure you have the insights you need for understanding men.

1. No Virtual Dating

I recommend avoiding any long-distance, “virtual relationship” with a man you’ve never met. Constant texting or phone calls without face-to-face dates won’t turn into the romance you hope for.

Well, 99.9% of the time that’s true and no matter how much you want to be that exception, you won’t be. A weekend together here and there won’t fulfill the close connection you dream of sharing.

The truth is dating long distance is a recipe for disappointment and heartbreak. If you meet online and the guy can’t set up date within 10 days, forget him and move on.

Common red flags include not being able to communicate from a “military base,” being in another country temporarily, and getting ready to move to your area. If he’s really moving near you, let him connect when he gets there.

http://youtu.be/gtO-qY9DEuw

2. Date Local

All sorts of men will contact you online. They will be young and old, educated and unemployed, single and separated, local and long distance. You have to make your selection from all these choices.

From my perspective about finding love and understanding men, dating local men makes things vastly easier. You don’t have to drive 300 miles or buy a plane ticket. You don’t have to worry about where to stay overnight or driving home after a few drinks.

Sometimes men use long distance as a way to keep you at a distance. If you don’t want distance to be an issue or a great excuse to never spend time together, the only solution is to date local men.

3. When to Believe What a Man Says

Listen carefully to what men say because most often they will tell you the truth upfront. If a man says anything that could push you away, pay attention and believe him!

A lot of men tell you on the first date (or before) what they do and don’t want. Sadly, most single gals think, “That doesn’t apply to me” and they ignore the honesty.

For example, when a man says he’s not looking for anything serious or a relationship, but is willing to get to know you to see what happens, this is a big fat RED FLAG. This is key to understanding men.

It’s his way of softening the truth https://youtu.be/gtO-qY9DEuw– he doesn’t want to get involved and prefers something casual. No expectations or strings attached.

Is your new guy inconsistent with his attention?

4. Don’t Believe Sweet Talk

He said the sweetest thingsWhen a man pours on the flattery like, “Where have you been all my life?” this is meant to draw you in. If a man comes on strong from the start or on the first date, be very suspicious. He doesn’t even know you! When it comes to understanding men, this is a tried and true seduction technique, so be careful.

Some men share deep, personal information to make you think they’re opening up and trust you. Women internalize this sneaky trick as, “He must really like and trust me.”

This is NOT true. Like sweet talk and flattery, telling you about his wounds is another seduction technique to pull at your heart strings.

5. Vet a Man Before You Sleep with Him

Hold off on intimacy for at least 5-6 dates to discover if he’s genuinely interested or wants to sleep with you. This gives you time to get to know a lot more about the guy.

Some experts suggest you wait until you have agreed to exclusivity. This is smart if you get attached quickly after sex. Waiting allows you to stay more objective and helps to weed out players who won’t stick around until you’re ready.

There’s nothing wrong with having a fling. However, if you’ll feel deeply hurt or heartbroken when a date doesn’t call again, wait longer than three dates before you sleep with him. That’s a big piece of the puzzle for understanding men, even though it’s really about you.

Discover more about the right time to sleep with him.

weed out the wrong men5 Signs of True Interest

  1. Consistent Communication – Talk by phone at least once or twice a week. Texting does not count!
  2. Weekly Dates – Don’t fall for the guy who is spontaneous and inconsistent. If he can’t fit you into his schedule when things are new and exciting, it won’t get better and you won’t be a top priority.
  3. Planning – Does he plan your dates or call you last minute for the same day? A man who wants to win you over will plan ahead to make sure you are available.
  4. Actions Match His Words – Does he say one thing and disappoint you by doing another? Does he cancel often or forget to call? You want a man you can count on and trust and that is a man who follows through and keeps his word. His actions and words must be in alignment.
  5. No Excuses – Some men talk a good game, but then have a huge fight with his ex, the kids need him, he has to work late, or his headaches are back. All of these things may be true – but how often does he use excuses to get out of seeing you or making a call? This is a pattern to watch. If he cancels twice in a row, move on.

If a new guy doesn’t do just one of the above signs, he’s not totally doomed. However, when more red flags show up, they do add up, letting you know he’s not the right man for you!

The Benefit of the Doubt & Understanding Men

Some women give the guy the “benefit of the doubt” when situations arise. That is admirable. However, if too many of things crop up, trying to be nice or understanding doesn’t serve you.

Instead, it means you are accepting poor treatment and what I call “Dating Crumbs”. These behaviors and slights DO NOT improve over time.

During the first 3- 6 dates, you will see the BEST A MAN HAS TO OFFER. This is a classic sign for understanding men. So, if you spot problems and poor treatment in the early stages, get out before you get attached. Love yourself enough to walk away and avoid heartache.

Many women have told me they endured Dating Crumbs because they thought they should be patient and a guy would treat them better once he fell in love. That is NOT how dating works.

Men never treat you better later. The best you’ll ever see is at the beginning when he is trying to win you over. He may continue being wonderful, but a crummy boyfriend doesn’t suddenly turn around and become wonderful.

You Can Still Qualify Him

If you have made any of these dating mistakes, didn’t see the warnings, or qualify the man you slept with, please don’t worry. You can still do this now. And even if he disappears, you probably had a nice time and felt like a desirable woman.

You can learn what you need to know about understanding men and it will help you be more selective and choose a better man who has more long-term potential.

Reconnecting and rekindling your desirability is a wonderful thing! It wakes you up to your passion and longing for connection and intimacy. Don’t let this bring you down. Instead, let that fuel your dating journey.

Move on to seek a local guy who stays in touch, is consistent, makes time to see you and treats you really well. Observe what he does to win you over and hold off sleeping with him until he proves he is worthy of your affection and heart.

If you want more on understanding men and their mixed signals, download my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing today.

 

Stop Texting Him and See What Happens – Understanding Men

stop texting him

What if you stop texting him and see what happens? Don’t text him! This is a great strategy to find out if a man is genuinely interested or just likes texting.

stop texting him to see if he texts youIs He Really Interested?

I bet this has happened to you. You meet a guy online and he asks for your number or you’re on Dating Apps and start texting.

Texting is fun! Sometimes it’s fast and furious and other times just morning and night.

As time goes by you feel a connection and wonder when you’ll meet. Anticipation builds. Maybe you suggest getting together for coffee and he agrees.

Yes! Somehow though, things never come together and he doesn’t set a time or place. Texting continues.

What is this about and why won’t he find the time to see you?

One Date Followed by Texting

Sometimes a guy will text often and then ask you out. You have  an amazing date and you can tell he liked you as much as you liked him. Awesome! Trouble is, he continues the texting part but doesn’t ask you out again. or sets up a date and cancels.

Why did he lose interest so quickly?

Texting On and Off

Another scenario is that you text with him sporadically. There are times when you have whole conversations, then next thing you know he goes dark and you wonder where he went.

Is he OK, seeing someone else or just busy at work?

You text him to see what’s up and say something cute the first time. He bounces in and the texts begin again, then slows or stops.

You text again to ask if everything is OK? This behavior is so confusing and you feel frustrated. You still haven’t met this guy and this on and off thing is getting to you.

So when things slow down, you feel like you have to do your best to keep it moving to maintain this connection with him.

The problem is you’ve already invested so much time and now you really like him.

What Is Ghosting?

If you are asking what is ghosting, the definition is when a man stops asking you out and no longer stays in touch, even by texting. He seems to have dropped off the planet, leaving you wondering what the heck happened.

Next, what is ghosting in texting and how is that different? Most often this is when a man has been in touch frequently by text, saying good morning or wishing you a good night’s sleep. Maybe some other little text tidbits during the day too.

Or he may get more in-depth in his conversation, share a laugh or something about his day. The point is, he stops reaching out and basically goes completely silent, leaving you puzzling over your phone as if it might not be working right somehow. At least that’s your hope.

Find out why he stopped calling

Tempted to Text and Find Out What Is Going On?

should I text him man with jacket over shoulderDoes he like you or not? It seems like such a simple thing; so why do men make dating so difficult?

I know that’s what prompts you to contact him and text again. You think, “Hey, I’ll just text him and ask what’s going on? Honesty between adults should be the best way to go.”

So you text and say something like, “Are you still interested? If not, it’s OK. I just want to know.” That should be easy for him to respond to – he can’t just say, “No thanks.” Or, “Sorry, I’m seeing someone else.”

Trouble is men tend NOT to answer direct questions like this at the start of dating.

Most men, don’t want to be the bad guy. So they squirm, feel uncomfortable and tell white lies. At least that’s what they think they are doing.

You get a text back that talks about how busy he is. He might apologize and start texting again. Maybe he surprises you and sets up a date, but cancels at the last minute disappointing you beyond belief.

What are you supposed to do? If being direct and asking doesn’t work, then what will work to get his attention again?

Stop Texting Him and See What Happens

Yes, I’m completely serious. Just stop texting him and see what happens. This is how you learn what his intentions are.

A man who is interested, but not setting-up dates will often become very interested when he stops hearing from you.

If you always text first, STOP.  Go silent. Observe what he does and what steps he takes to reconnect. You want to get a man’s attention – disappear on him. That will make him very CURIOUS.

You are interrupting the pattern of your behavior and doing something unexpected. This is what a good man will notice and he just might stop playing this crazy game and want to meet you.

You will stand out from the other women he’s texting.

Now, don’t go getting your hopes up because many times a texting kind of man will never come around. But once in a while, a good man will become curious about you and decide he needs to know more.

Many Women Don’t Understand This About Dating

Many Women Don't Understand Dating

See, most women do the same thing you do. They prompt a guy they haven’t heard from, thinking it’s the right way to go. In fact, many think it’s the only option.

They don’t realize they should stop texting instead.

There is an energy to dating. A rhythm of push and pull or back and forth like ballroom dancing. In ballroom dancing, there is one leader and one follower.

As a woman, you follow a man’s lead if you want to look good on the dance floor. It doesn’t make you less important than him; it’s simply how dancing works.

Follow His Lead

The same thing is true at the start of dating.

Follow a man’s lead:

  • If he texts, text him back.
  • If he doesn’t text YOU, DON’T TEXT HIM EITHER.

This is your best strategy to not waste time on men who are not genuinely interested. The truth is there are lots of men who will waste your time and string you along, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET THEM.

So, when you text because he’s gone silent, you are no longer “following.” You have taken up the lead and that does not work at the start of dating for most singles over 40.

It might not work so well under 40 either because dating is still an archaic mating ritual based in biology, not gender equality.

Most men like to think dating you is his idea. To create this situation, you don’t want to be too available and you don’t want to appear PUSHY OR DESPERATE.

But, that’s what happens when you take the lead, keep the texting conversation going, etc.

Don’t Text Him, You Have Nothing to Lose

what is ghosting in textingWhen you stop texting to see what he does, you have nothing to lose. In fact, you have everything to gain because you will find out if you matter to him or not. You will understand his true interest level.

Don’t kid yourself or make excuses for the guy. Men know EXACTLY what to do if they want to see you. They ask you out, set a date, pick a place and show up. And they can do all that without your help. Even shy guys know this, so don’t make excuses for any man and feel you must HELP HIM OUT.

The good news is that when you don’t do his job of taking the lead, you won’t get invested and emotionally tied to the wrong man before you even meet him. Or before you get to know him and discover if he’s even worthy of your time and interest.

Let him lead to find out what he’ll do to win you over.
T
hat is the ONLY WAY you’ll ever know how interested he really is!

What you will lose are men who are NOT interested. Men who could care less about you or don’t want a relationship.  Men who don’t care enough to be consistent in their pursuit or efforts to get to know you.

Now that’s something you can stand to lose, right? Who needs a man that is just filling time with you or playing with your heart?

This is how you can shake free from men who just want to string you along to boost their ego, fill time, or chase away boredom and fritter away your precious time.

Your Next Step

woman walking away instead of textingSo if you are “talking” to a man who texts a lot or just sporadically, but doesn’t ask you out, think twice. Are you putting energy into something worthwhile by interacting with him? Or exposing your heart to romantic disappointment?

Are you accomplishing anything by continuing to text this guy who hasn’t met you or hasn’t asked for a second date in more than a week? Unfortunately, no, not really. It’s time to let go and walk away.

Stop texting him and see what happens next. If you don’t hear a peep, you now have valuable information about that guy – he’s not the one.

The right man for you WANTS TO MEET YOU and will do what it takes to get to know you and spend time with you.

When you don’t text him, observe his actions over several weeks (like six or eight) to decide if he might have potential.

If he’s consistent in staying in touch, calls at least once a week and asks you out for a date weekly (if not more), then he might be showing some lasting potential. And worthiness of your love and attention.

Until you know this about a man, play the field girlfriend! Do not narrow down your options and focus on just one man until he is consistent enough that he asks you to be exclusive.

Learn more about the mixed signals men send when you download my Free book on His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing.

 

5 Signs He Likes You After The First Date

signs he likes you after the first date

Looking for first date signs he likes you? Here are five things to watch for to know if you can expect to see him again.

5 signs he likes you after the first dateHow to Tell If a First Date Went Well

Finally, you’re on a date with a man you like! Even better, you get the distinct feeling he likes you too. But, how can you know for sure? What are the signs he likes you after the first date?

There are plenty of people who offer dating advice on this subject. I have seen a lot that in this expert’s opinion, does not hold water.

The most common things are the ones that might just fool you. And that could be what your date had in mind to get you into the sack quickly.

Don’t Be Fooled By Sweet Talk

There are a few telltale signs that a guy is into you. However, there are others that sound good, yet don’t mean much.

For example, if he says he hasn’t met a woman like you in a long time, no question that’s a nice compliment. But, it could have absolutely no meaning beyond flattery.

Don’t be fooled if your date says, “I’ll call you,” at the end of the night. Many men feel compelled to say this because they don’t know another way to end the date.

Confusing as this might be, don’t put stock in this phrase since it’s actually most often a sign that he WON’T call.

Another comment that gives you a false sense of security that a man is into you, is if he talks about future plans.

Future fantasizing can be fun for a man who is a romantic at heart. The proof is in the pudding though – men who wax on about all the things you could do together someday rarely follow through.

Seduction vs. Genuine Interest

via GIPHY

Some men skilled in the art of seduction will share a good deal of personal information, hoping you’ll feel safe with him as a result.

Women often tell me how a date revealed intimate details about his life and they thought this was a good sign.

Why would a man do this if he didn’t feel really comfortable?

It’s an old trick and often works too. A man will draw you in with his story to gain sympathy and hope you’ll let down your guard. Then he can swoop in, so he can get you into bed that night.

Many women throw caution to the wind with a man like this as they get swept off their feet. Don’t be fooled by this technique.

What should you look for in a man? Well, that’s really a blog post in itself!

This post will help you think about how to find a man with traits you like and who is potentially compatible at the same time.

What Do Men Think After You Sleep With Them?

A lot depends on the man and his reason for sleeping with you. If he is into you, he might be thinking about seeing you again and certainly having sex with again. He might let future plans roll through his mind and be excited about getting to know you.

If he’s just a one-night kind of guy, he might be think about how he can get out of having you stay over or hope you don’t want to have a relationship or expect this to turn into anything serious.

What do men think after you sleep with them?  Some fret about performance and wonder if you faked your orgasm, or how he rated versus other men you’ve slept with. He could also be patting himself on the back for being such a great lover.

At times, men aren’t thinking anything about you or the future. He might have work on his mind and be running through what he needs to do tomorrow. They might feel hungry, tired or want to take a shower. Or simply fall asleep without much thought at all.

Read this post to discover three ways to decide when it’s OK to sleep together?

Signs He Regrets Sleeping With You

A man might regret sleeping with you if it only seemed like a good idea because he was drunk. Or if he feels things will be awkward when you see each other next. Another regret is if it was just sex to him, but he realizes you are really into him.

There are plenty of reasons for regrets, but this is how it might show up after the act. He…

  • Gets quiet and appears uncomfortable
  • Suggests you’d sleep better if you went home
  • Puts on his clothes right away and leaves
  • Is suddenly angry or unpleasant out of the blue
  • Says he has an early day at work and takes off quickly
  • Claims he doesn’t feel well and goes back to his place
  • Doesn’t call or text the next day or the next
  • Is slow to respond or doesn’t answer when you reach out

Okay, now let’s move on to what you REALLY want to know – does he like you?

First Date Signs He Likes You

man in sunglassesSo, what are the things to watch for so know you’ll see him again? Here are the five that I trust as positive indicators he wants more of you.

1. Calls the Next Day to Say He Had a Good Time

If your date picks up the phone to tell you he had a good time, this is a strong signal you will see him again.

Texting is easy and lazy. He could text you and then 10 more women. But, he’s not likely to CALL 10 women. Not at all.

So, if he calls and chats with you the day after your first date, you may have him on the hook girlfriend.

2. Strong Eye Contact

If your date gazes into your eyes for a good part of your time together, he may be signaling serious interest.

Consistent eye contact shows his comfort with you and a desire to know more.

Sometimes this might border on staring, so don’t be too surprised, but it’s not a bad thing. (Unless he’s staring at body parts and not into your eyes.)

And if you happen to notice that his pupils are dilated, it can be a biological response pointing to the deep attraction (or it’s too dark in the room – haha!)

3. He Leans Towards You

signs he likes you after a first dateWhen a man is genuinely interested in what you have to say, he LEANS IN to be sure he can hear you.

This is typical body language that has been proved through tons of social research and you can bank on it.

When a person is fully engaged in the conversation, they want to get closer. Bingo – another of the signs he likes you after the first date.

4. Laughs a Lot

If you are truly building rapport, he’ll laugh easily and smile a lot. This might seem like a no brainer, but you’d be surprised.

Sometimes your date will smile some of the time but look off into space, around the room or down at the table if he’s not that comfortable.

When you’re engaged in a conversation and things are going well, there will be a good dose of laughter and a smile on his face for the majority of the time.

5. Asks for Another Date

Yup, one of the surefire signs he likes you after the first date is that he asks for a second date while he’s still with you!

He might say he wants to see you again or my personal favorite, asks when you are free.

My husband asked me at the end of our first date if he could see me again when he walked me to my car. Of course, I said, “Yes!” He gave me a quick kiss and started to walk away to his car across the parking lot.

Then much to my surprise and delight, he turned back and asked, “Well, when are you available?” It still makes my heart go pitter-patter.

This is the strongest of the signs he likes you after the first date. Nothing like knowing you’ve got a second date lined up to feel like you are on your way to getting to know him.

Text After First Date

Many men will text after the first date whether or not they plan to see you again. Texts that are more positive might include:

  • I had a great time with you
  • Last night was a lot of fun
  • You made me laugh (or some other compliment)
  • Let’s do that again soon – are you free Friday?

Just keep in mind his texting doesn’t necessarily mean anything. What counts is that he asks you out again.

Your Next Move

man with hatNow that you know the first date signs he likes you, what should you do next? Absolutely NOTHING! That’s right.

Leave the ball in his court and follow his lead. Let him call you and suggest a date.

Don’t feel tempted based on your good rapport to check-in, reach out, text about your day or call him.

Let him do all that which is the only way you’ll ever know if his interest is building or has dissipated.

When you let a man lead during the initial dating phase, you don’t risk crowding him, pushing him beyond his comfort zone, invading his privacy, rushing him and most importantly turning him off.

Read this post for more about letting the man lead.

 

Want details on how to find a quality guy? Check out my Free audio program 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man

Find Love with a Twist on the Christmas Carol Story

find love, meet men, dating advice
Find Love for the Holidays

Want to find love but need inspiration? Carla Dickens here. Well not really, it’s Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach with my own version of a holiday classic – A Christmas Carol – the story by Charles Dickens about Ebenezer Scrooge. Here’s how my version goes…

Find Love with Ebbie Scrooge

Ebbie Scrooge, a good looking woman over 50, was wasting her dating years grumbling about men. On the night before Christmas, she was commiserating with her single girlfriends, complaining bitterly about the horrible men they meet. How all the good men are taken. How they’ll never find love and refuse to settle.

The girlfriends clinked their glasses one last time, toasting how they didn’t need men and parted ways. Ebbie stumbled home for a good night’s rest. But she didn’t get it.

Instead, she was visited by three Christmas Ghosts of Dating Advice who illustrated the error of her dating ways.

Ghost of Past Dating Advice

find love
Ghost of Dating Past

First the Ghost of Past Dating Advice dropped in to have Ebbie review her history. Ebbie is all too familiar with her unhappy past and ugly divorce.

However, the Ghost is very compassionate and worked with Ebbie to remember what was good, what did make her happy, and what lessons she learned that she can bring forward to a find love again.

The dating advice apparition encouraged Ebbie to not get lost in the past. In fact, Ebbie’s past does not automatically create her dating future. She has more free will than she realized and might want to think twice about frittering it away rehashing the past.

Ghost of Present Dating Advice

find love
Ghost of Present Dating

Back to bed for Ebbie, she thought she’d get some rest, but not to be. The Ghost of Present Dating Advice scooped her up and they journeyed to view her current love situation. Much to her chagrin, very little is happening on the love front.

The Ghost of Present Dating Advice lovingly explains to Ebbie that she does have loving energy in her life. She has children who love her, friends and family who adore her, neighbors who enjoy her, and a dog who offers unconditional love. Ebbie never considered these sources of love in her life and took them for granted.

The patient spirit of Present Dating Advice showed Ebbie how loving energy in her present life could blossom into more if she acknowledged it and felt grateful. The error of her ways, bitching and moaning, blaming men, criticizing them endlessly, actually didn’t make her feel better – it only made things worse.

Ebbie’s head was spinning from seeing how much time she spent speaking poorly about men. From this wiser vantage point, it seemed like sad, self-sabotaging behaviors that was truly getting in her way of the romance she desired. To find love, she’d have to stop the time-wasting man bashing.

Ghost of Future Dating Advice

find love
Ghost of Future Dating Advice

Then Ebbie was back in bed and yet again, a third apparition, the Ghost of Future Dating Advice whisked her off. She arrived to view her life five years ahead and was amazed to find herself in the arms of a wonderful man (Bob Crachet I believe), smiling, happy and in love. How could this be? What could she shift to ensure that this future did come to pass?

The Ghost of Future Dating Advice gave Ebbie some crucial tips about being approachable and friendly to men and most importantly, appreciating men for who they are and what they have to offer. These are the keys to meeting men and finding love.

It was as if Ebbie woke up to a whole new consciousness about dating that she had never experienced before. She could see the wisdom of these Ghosts of Dating Advice and her dating coach and how their advice would help create the future love she so strongly craved, but had long ago given up on.

To Find Love, Banish the Bah-Humbug Attitude Towards Men and Dating

banish bah humbug attitudeEbbie reconnected with all three Romance Ghosts before her night ended and vowed to change her ways. Now that she had learned how to find love after 50, the hero of our story felt more optimistic.

She agreed to work on being more positive, open and active. She promised to minimize her complaints and banish her bah-humbug attitude that sabotaged any efforts she made. This will allow her to send good vibes into the Universe and attract the love she wants and deserves.

Good for you Ebbie! With those shifts in perspective, mindset and understanding, you will attract the love of a good man. The next day, Ebbie flirted just for the fun of being an alluring woman, received lots of attention and started on the path to the love-filled future she now knows is waiting for her.

If you want to read more about how to find true love at the holidays, check out this post about writing to Santa.

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15 Openers To Start A Conversation On Bumble Or Tinder

Updated December 9, 2020

Confused about how to start a conversation on Bumble or Tinder? Try any of these 15 openers to get the ball rolling and connect with more men through the dating apps.

how to start a conversation on bumbleHow to Start a Conversation on Bumble or Tinder

As you know on Tinder, anyone can start a conversation, but on Bumble the woman must initiate.

Either way, it’s time to figure out how to get a man’s attention on the dating app so you can find “The One.”

Humor is a winning approach. Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge offer suggestions about how to open a conversation and I borrowed a couple of those.

Then I’ve added several of my own one-liners to the list below.

The idea is to stand out and capture a man’s attention. Many of my coaching clients started out using really lame openers.

You definitely want to avoid anything that can be answered with yes, no or “good.”

Typical Small Talk Won’t Work

For example, a lot of women try, “How is your week going?” This makes no sense because the only thing a man can answer is “good” and where does that lead? Nowhere!

You don’t know each other, so explaining what actually happened during the week will not be a successful opener. This question is better for people you already know.

Once I explain to my clients how to better engage men through the apps, their  ability to strike up fun conversations improved significantly.

You want to make a man curious about you, so he wants to know MORE about you. That way, he’ll respond, and you can start conversing to see if there’s a connection.

The Goal Is to Get a Date

To get a date, you need to stand out from all the other women on the app. Some of these tips for how to start a conversation on Bumble are one-liners and others have a flirty twist.

Try a bunch of these suggestions to see what works best for you. Naturally, you can start by asking him a question about something in his profile or photos.

However, there are plenty of men who don’t say much about themselves, write next to nothing or have little going on in their photos.

These suggestions are for when these usual options are not available.

The first few simple texts pose basic questions directed at singles over 50. If you are younger, you’ll get the idea and can create your own comparisons more suitable for your own age group.

For example, a Glamour Magazine article recommended this question about the TV show Friends, “Do you think Ross and Rachel ever really broke up?”

This works for older singles who watched the show when it aired live, as well as, younger people discovering the show today on Netflix.

Which Is Better for Relationships – Tinder or Bumble?

how to start a conversation on bumbleThere are two big differences between Tinder and Bumble. The first is that women have to initiate the conversation on Bumble. Started by a woman and ex-employee of Tinder, Bumble was created with women in mind. You are given more control with the Bumble app over the dating process.

The second big difference is that the matches expire on Bumble which gives people the push to start a conversation NOW. If you snooze you lose on Bumble. This means you can engage and meet more matches,  and actually start dating.

On the other hand, Tinder with it’s “Hookup” reputation results in fewer connections with lasting power. However, people do still meet and fall in love with Tinder so the choice is yours.

Here’s a post that talks about several different apps.

How to Get a Date on Bumble

What do all of these openers have in common? They don’t pry or require revealing anything too personal. The one-liners are fun, non-threatening and easy to respond to which is why they are effective!

More than anything, you want to avoid reaching out with qualifying questions because you’ll get no real answers. However, you can push men away who don’t want to be interrogated.

What is a qualifying question? Here are a number of inquiries that you may feel are important to know up front, but will not help you create a fun connection.

  • Why did you get divorced?
  • How long have you been on the app?
  • Why are you still single?
  • What caused your last breakup?
  • How is dating going for you?

These questions are too personal, invasive and frankly none of your business when you are just reaching out. You can ask about divorce and breakup later, after you know you like each other and some trust has been established. Then you are more likely to get truer answers as well.

The goal is to create some fun while connecting so you get a chance to talk on the phone and then meet. That is the point, right?

The easier and more fun you make the first contact, the more likely you will create a deeper connection and get a date!

First Bumble Message

1. Coke or Pepsi?

The “Cola Wars” have been going on for decades and it’s fun to find out which side someone will take. It’s not personal and comes out of nowhere, bringing back memories of a more youthful time for the person you ask.

2. Rolling Stones or the Beatles?

Taking you back to the ’60s and the time of the British invasion (here in the US) is another great way to recapture a youthful feeling. That’s perfect for singles over 50, but it is a fun question about musical preference for any age.

3. Thriller vs. Dramedy?

This is another fun comparison based on your TV watching habits. There are lots of genres to choose from if these don’t work for you like legal drama, western, cop show, comedy, science fiction, fantasy, medical drama, etc. Pick your own genres or favorite Netflix shows to ask about and you’ll get a conversation going in no time.

4. Mountains vs. seashore?

Exploring the idea of where you prefer to spend your free time can open up a rich path for conversation about vacations, quick trips and where people feel their best.

5. What’s your favorite pizza?

Some people are purists and like only cheese, while others consider a wide range of toppings from spinach and broccoli to bacon or pineapple. it’s just a fun question and easy to answer.

Cute First Messages on Bumble

6. What’s your favorite travel destination?

Who doesn’t like to go on vacation? Talking about travel and vacation will likely put someone in a good mood in the same way time off does.

You can learn a lot about a person’s sense of adventure from where they like to go and if they repeat the same vacation over and over or always go someplace new.

7. How do you spend a rainy Sunday?

This question helps you learn about a person’s free time and how creative they get with it.

Does the guy just watch sports or movies or look for something more stimulating like a museum? Or maybe they get a few friends together and play cards.

8. What’s your sign?

Asking about Astrology is always fun and such a popular topic today. People love to talk about themselves without getting too personal. Even if he’s not that interested in astrology, chances are he’ll know his Sun Sign.

9. Did you just wink at me?

This is a playful, flirty one-liner meant to get a man thinking. Obviously, he didn’t wink at you, but that doesn’t matter. Flirting is fun and this is one way to start.

10. What do you do when you’re not making me melt?

Another flirty opener, this appeals to his masculine side and ego. Telling a man he makes you melt is so flattering and could warm him up to you in case he needs it.

What To Say On Bumble – More Suggestions

11. What would you do if you won the lottery?

Here’s how you might learn a little bit about his dreams by asking what he’d do if he didn’t have to work anymore or came into a lot of money. Pure fun.

12. Jazz, Rock or Country?

Music is a great topic to start a conversation and this is a classic question. A lot of men love music and will be happy to wax on about their favorite genres and artists. Having musical interests in common can help you bond.

13. East or West coast?

Everyone has a preference, and this is also a way to discover where he’s from. This question is a great example of how to start a conversation on Bumble or other dating apps.

14. Tell me two truths and a lie.

I had never heard of this little game but apparently, it’s become quite popular as a conversation starter.

You’ll have to guess which one is the lie and you can see how this creates plenty to text about. Be creative with your own responses!

15. Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash?

This is an old pick up line that comes at a man out of nowhere and will get his attention for sure.

Another flirty option, the humor in this one-liner could open doors and start conversations with men you might not connect with otherwise.

Messaging a Guy on Bumble or Tinder

how to start a conversation on tinderNow you know. If you’ve been racking your brain about how to start a conversation on Bumble, you’ve got 15 new creative ways to reach out on the apps and start a conversation with a man. Now you have no excuses!

Be brave and maybe bold! Don’t just try the line about pizza. Try some of the flirty starters because you never know exactly what will help you connect with “The One” and be the start of the magic that love is.

On the other hand, when you fret constantly, evaluating each man as if he could be “The One,” you are not at your best and neither is your energy. This means you are coming from a place of shortage or lack, fearing you won’t find the right man for you. That’s why the most important thing you can do is to relax, be playful and simply have fun.

If a man doesn’t respond, so what – move on! There are lots of many men online and the apps and more join every day.

Stop wondering how to start a conversation on Bumble or Tinder and just do it! The faster you get started, the faster you can find the love you want.

If you want more dating tips, get my free book 7 Deadly Sins of Texting or hire me to write your profile for you.

Dating A Widower? He’s Ready As Long As You See These 7 Signs

dating a widower

horrors of dating a widowerIf you’re dating a widower, you may have found one of the best partners for a long-lasting, loving relationship. A widower didn’t go through the pain of breaking up a marriage and divorce, so he doesn’t have that kind of emotional baggage. In fact statistically speaking, widowers are the most likely people to marry again.

Men who were married and still loved their wife, usually want to find that kind of romantic partnership again. They like having a woman around and sharing their life. Most widowers aren’t afraid of commitment either – they enjoy it. So, there are many wonderful aspects of dating a widower.

However, if you are questioning his readiness for a relationship, that is another story and something to be vigilant about. There are many horrors of dating a widower. Even the most amazing man, who has not completed the grieving process, needs to be off limits or you will regret getting involved.

Thankfully, you have nothing to worry about as long as you see these seven signs that let you know he is READY.

Dating a Widower Who Is Not Ready

dating a widower While you may have some trepidation about dating a widower, most seek love again more quickly than widows, usually after one year vs. as long as five years on average for women. However, you really want to steer clear for a full year.

On the other hand, there are a number of serious concerns if his grieving is still going on. That’s why you want to know if he’s ready for a new relationship or just feeling lonely and filling time with you.

The last thing you want to do is “help” him get over his deceased wife. This requires extensive emotional support on a topic that will cut through your heart – his love for another woman. You cannot compete with the dead.

Helping a widower is misguided because what you are really doing is hoping he’ll recover quickly and ignoring the obvious fact that he’s not ready for the real thing with you.

All your good intentions in this case to ease his pain and connect with him will simply lead to devastating heartbreak.

The Horrors of Dating a Widower

Don’t make excuses for any man’s behavior, especially the widower you’re dating.

If he exhibits signs that he’s not ready, and you are serious about finding lasting love, then you are barking up the wrong tree, as the saying goes. Please don’t do this to yourself! You’ll find a list of the red flags about dating a widower towards the end of this article.

The horrors of dating a widower are notorious. From being hidden from his family, keeping the relationship a secret, sneaking around and more. This is a surefire way to completely lose your dignity and ruin your self-esteem.

You are better off leaving and starting over with a new man who is READY.  Nothing is worse than hanging in there waiting for some guy to get over his wife.

You’ll be thinking, “If only he could focus on how good WE ARE together.” If he could, he would.

7 Signs of Readiness for Dating a Widower

Good Signs When Dating a WidowerWhat are the good signs to watch for? If you are enjoying a widower’s company and see these seven signs, he’s probably ready for the lasting love you want.

1. It’s Been a Year

Most widowers will get back out there to date and hopefully find a new partner after about a year.

This is the average period of grieving for most men. And statistically, these men are the most likely to marry again. Yay!

If it’s only been a few months, it doesn’t matter what a great guy he is – he’s NOT READY! Stay away no matter what a great catch he seems like or how nice, charming, or sexy he is, if you don’t want to be heartbroken.

2. His Actions and Words Match

When the guy you’re dating says something and then follows through, this is always a good sign.

But it’s even more meaningful when you’re dating a widower. This shows he’s ready for a relationship because a man’s actions are what matter most. Talk is easy, but actions show a man’s true intentions.

This is actually true for any man you date, of course. You want someone who you can count on and whose word is like gold.

When you encounter a man who walks his talk, you are dating a man who has integrity. Some men talk a good game, but if they don’t deliver on that, what’s the point?

If he can’t follow through, take care of yourself and your heart, be smart and walk away.

3. He Doesn’t Talk About Her Constantly

A widower who is not ready constantly talks about his wife. Everything brings up a memory of something special about her or an aspect he misses.

You cannot win against a fond memory, so don’t even try. His wife now has been placed on a pedestal and you, even though sitting right next to him, cannot compare. He’s simply not ready to date you or any woman seriously.

If he brings her up once in a while and doesn’t wax on too long, that is normal, something to be expected and hopefully isn’t hard to tolerate.

Should you be offended by his talking about his wife, then he’s not the right man for you. If he was happily married for many years, he’s going to talk about her to some degree and might feel wistful on her birthday or anniversary.

More Good Signs about Widowers

dating a widower

4. Just a Few Photos

It’s understandable that after many years of marriage with a woman he loved, his deceased wife will be in photos.

A few here or there makes sense and is expected. However, if he’s got her picture by his bedside and all over the house like a shrine, this is a major RED FLAG.

He’s still deeply grieving and not ready for a relationship with you. Don’t ignore this about dating a widower, thinking you can simply talk him into putting those photos away.

They are a statement about where he is in his healing process which cannot be hurried, no matter how well you get along or how much he seems to like you.

One of my clients just told me how a man on the Bumble dating app reached out to her. Out of six photos, half of them included his wife! Talk about the horrors of dating a widower!

She liked him and wanted to know what I thought. I told her NO WAY. I can’t even imagine what this man was thinking, can you? This is a true story!

5. He Pursues You Consistently

As with any man, you want him to pursue you consistently. This means he calls you weekly, takes you on a date at least once a week if not more, and texts in between (if he’s a texter).

This is what you watch for as a sign he’s genuinely interested in you.

When dating a widower, this is particularly important. Should he see you sporadically to have some female company, get emotional support or avoid feeling lonely.

Once you see a man weekly and your time together becomes more frequent, this is a really good sign for sure. Keep in mind, consistency builds a relationship.

So, if his contact or dates are more sporadic, he’s probably more casual than you think and not serious about you or finding love perhaps.

Dating a Widower Over 50

dating a widower 6. Introduces You to Family

When you are dating a widower of any age, if he’s extremely concerned about not upsetting his family with you, he’s not ready to date.

You want to be with a man who is confident in himself, his actions and his choices. A man who fears what his family will think about you or his dating, is not standing on his own two feet.

Don’t think that everything will be alright once they see how great you are together. Trust me, that is not what they will think.

In a case like this, the family (including children, parents or in-laws) is concerned with preserving the status quo and the loving memory of his wife.

You cannot win if there’s any competition with her ghost – you WILL lose.

7. Introduces You to Friends and Family

Another great sign of a man’s genuine interest and readiness is when he starts introducing you to the people who matter most in his life.

Once you start meeting friends, and family members in particular, then you know you are on a good track.

Understand that with the children, especially if they are young, it may take longer.

This makes sense in the case of dating a widower or a man who is divorced. Most men (and women) want to know you will likely be around long-term before you meet the kids.

Warning Signs and Horrors of Dating a Widower

To sum up the warning signs, if it’s been less than a year since his wife passed and he talks about your future together, but never follows through, he is not be ready.

If he talks about his wife constantly, still has tons of photos of her even on Facebook, is inconsistent with his attention, please rethink dating him.

And, if he expresses concern about what his family might say, or doesn’t introduce you to anyone, keep in mind these are serious red flags, letting you know dating this widower is probably not a wise choice.

Sometimes widowers want to keep your relationship a secret, will tell some family members but not others or not introduce you to his friends. Things must be out in the open or you are witnessing the horrors of dating a widower.

Only he can decide when he’s healed and ready for a serious, lasting relationship with a new woman.

Don’t invest your time and life in helping him recover. This is a thankless job and will lead to heartbreak. As soon as a man feels better and more emotionally whole, he will usually walk away and find another woman to commit to.

Why is that? It seems so rotten and heartless. When a man is not at his best, he can’t really give you what you want. He might really care for and appreciate you, but he could also be leaning on you. And after he recovers, then you remind him of the time when he was weak and recovering. So, he moves on.

You will not win him over by nursing him back to emotional health.

The Good News About Widowers

good news about dating a widowerNow, the good news is that a widower knows how to love and usually wants to marry again.

He’s not phobic about commitment and likes having a woman in his life. So, if you are dating a widower who is showing all the good signs outlined in this post – excellent!

Enjoy this time with your new man and take things slowly to be sure you are both making good choices. There’s no need to rush. Taking your time allows you to savor every joyous moment.

If you want more dating advice tailored to you and your circumstances, let’s chat! Schedule a complimentary session with me and fill out the short application to discover what might be blocking you from finding love and if coaching is right for you.

Updated 11/18/20

Love Is Scary – How To Spot Good Men Vs. Scary Monsters

Do you think love is scary? I get it, but the truth is, all men are not monsters! Here are three ways to notice the good men around you and find the right one for you.

Worried that Every Man You Meet Might Be Frankenstein?

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I know how hard it can be to find love with a good man. I understand when women complain to me that the men out there are terrible. They just want one thing. They lie, cheat and scam.
All the good ones are taken and even the media says what’s left are scary monsters like… Frankenstein (OK, Halloween is on my mind.) That’s why love is scary.
I walked in your shoes being a single woman until 40. But I was lucky because I had done a lot of personal development work. So, I had access to a bounty of methods that helped me open my mind and turn my negative thinking and attitude around.

Why Is Being In Love Scary?

One of the biggest challenges I faced was believing a good man was out there for me and I COULD find him and the love I longed for dearly. Let me tell you, I worked at it!
I used every exercise and mind trick I knew to shift these patterns that surely would have interfered with what became my successful search for love.

AND I DID IT!

Not only did I manage to keep an open mind about the men I met and stay positive during the dating journey, but I also met an adorable man and we’ve been happily married for years.
Yes, it’s worth the effort! I know you can find love too. Heck if I did it, any woman can!
Here are three empowering mind exercises to help you move past the idea that love is scary. When you stop imagining that all men are scary monsters, you’ll find more good men out there and one just for you.

1. Practice Looking for the Good in Men

love is scary When you notice men walking past you on the street, instead of ignoring them or internally criticizing them, take a moment to look for the good in them. Ask yourself, “Why does that man’s girlfriend or wife love him? What does he have to offer his woman? What does he do to make her feel special?”
This does take some practice but, it’s an extremely powerful method to shift your thinking. You are resetting your outlook to find good things about the men you notice.
Don’t feel badly if you quickly fall back to thinking he’s not dressed well, is losing his hair, or wherever you might usually go with your thinking. That’s normal and making this shift in thought process will take time.
Commit to doing this exercise on a regular basis and be gentle with yourself as you realize all the negativity that comes up when you try to be positive. It’s  great way to stop thinking love is scary and men are horrible.

2. Smile at One New Man Every Day

This is a bit difficult now with COVID and wearing a mask. However, if you are out and going to work or the store, look up, face forward and notice men. A man might not be able to see your smile, but you can bob your head and say hello. Your eyes will still show a smile.
Many women are task-focused as you hurry around to get stuff done. You might not even notice a man looking at you or smiling.
Or if you think love is scary, your normal instinct is to look away as fast as possible because you would rather not engage. Sadly, neither of these instincts will help you connect with a good man.
You cannot imagine the positive changes that happen when I convince a client to smile at men. The results are consistently remarkable!

3. Notice Happy Couples Around You

love is scaryYou might think it’s counterproductive to notice happy couples. They have what you want and that could make you feel envious or unhappy.
But let’s look at this another way.
Once you see a happy couple, instead of feeling your own lack of love, you can ride the energetic coattails of their relationship happiness. They are your evidence that finding love is possible. After all, they did it!
If you do this exercise, you will start to understand that you can find love too. You are no different than other people and you are just as worthy as anyone else.

Elevate Your Energy

When you spot happy couples, leverage their happy energy by saying to yourself, “Love does exist! I want what they have and am ready to be next!”
This is not at all like envy or jealousy. It’s a higher level vibe where you elevate your own energy to the level of your desire. You lift yourself above the old idea that love is scary.
Your desire for love is a higher vibration. Seeing happy couples can help lift your energy right now to be like the love you want.
According to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like. That means when you lift your energy to the level of happy couples in love – you are now like the energy you want to attract!
Bingo! That’s what makes you more magnetic to find love.

Yes, You Can Make This Work for You!

Shift your mind away from your internal negative chatter that love is scary and men are scary monsters because GOOD MEN ARE OUT THERE.

Learn to notice the good side of men and start to expect to see that. When you BELIEVE, your chance to find love skyrockets!

Happy Halloween!

 

 

 

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Happy Halloween: Are You Afraid To Love And Pick the Wrong Man Again?

afraid to love

Are you afraid to love and fear picking the wrong man again? These seven tips will help you trust yourself so you can find love again.

Halloween Is Scary But Love Shouldn’t Be!

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When you’ve had more than one love that ended badly, you may have developed a fear about your ability to choose the right man. Some women tell me how they fear having a broken picker and worry they will end up with another rotten apple (or Jack-o-lantern LOL).

If this sounds like you, you are about to discover seven ways you can get over this chilling fear to feel more in control and chose wisely when it comes to men and love.

1. Make a pro and con list

Even though things didn’t work out in the past, what did you like about the men you’ve been with? Maybe you liked his looks, sense of humor, charm, brilliance or success. Notice potential similarities about the men you’ve loved if there is more than one guy.

History provides great insights when you take the time to look back. This kind of self-reflection can help you see why you made the choices and if the qualities that attract you still work for you or lead to trouble.

Next, make a list of what you disliked about the men. Were they mean, self-centered, addicts, untrustworthy, cheaters, cheap, thoughtless, etc.? Take a moment to think about what caused each breakup and be honest with yourself. Get clear about why things didn’t work out.

This way, if you encounter similar situations with a new guy, you can be more objective and make a smarter choice, so you don’t go down the same unhappy path again. Then you won’t be afraid to love again.

2. Knock him off that pedestal!

afraid to loveSometimes it’s spooky how much easier it is to remember the good stuff. At the same time, you manage to ignore the scary parts of a past love that caused you pain.

There seems to be a rosy glow about a man who is lost or got away and this is actually normal. However, it can keep you locked into your attraction for the wrong kind of man who will never make a good partner.

To make better choices in the future and not be afraid to love, get beyond your selective memory to stick with the reality of the situation. When you allow yourself to only remember the parts you adored, you keep the wrong man on a pedestal. He doesn’t deserve this place in your heart anymore!

Knock him down off that pedestal and come back to the real world! If he was the perfect man, you’d still be together.

3. Own your mistakes

No matter how many bad relationships you’ve had, a better love for you exists as soon as you are willing to learn from your mistakes. If you need help to recover and learn from your last relationship, try therapy, coaching or even reading books on the subject.

Consider how you may have contributed to the relationship that caused it to not work out, even if it was just to hope things would get better. Once you take this step, you free yourself to start again with a clean slate.

Owning your mistakes is part of the healing process, so you won’t be afraid to love by making the same mistakes again.

4. Move forward and you won’t be a victim

You don’t need to be in a relationship. But if you still want one and deny yourself the chance, you become a victim of love. Being afraid to love and repeating the same mistakes will override your ability to start fresh and take a chance on love again.

Why let your ex influence your romantic future? Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of his flaws, his mean comments or predictions about your love life or be afraid to love again because of him.

Yes, dating can be nerve wracking and scary. But new love can enrich your life, expand your world and bring you great joy as well. All men are not scary.

Don’t hold back – go for your dream if you truly want to love again. Healthy love is worth it!

5. The Universe is abundant

Limited thinking makes you believe your ex is the only man for you. There isn’t just one soulmate for you. I know this is true because so many clients and people I know find love again!

The Universe is an amazingly abundant place with countless opportunities. Just try to count the stars in the night sky if you don’t believe me. Even if you can’t imagine it now, I guarantee, there is another man out there for you.

Once you are willing to learn from the past and move on to try again, you CAN find a BETTER man. Be brave vs. afraid to love again and the right man will cross your path.

6. Open up to a new type

afraid to loveDo you have a type of man you are always attracted to? The best way to avoid picking the wrong man again is to seek a new type of guy. If you need a super successful man, what if he’s successful but not a workaholic? What if he believes in living a balanced life instead?

Turns out your type has the qualities you love but also, the qualities that destroy your relationship. Yup, he’ll always be a package deal with all the bad stuff that drives you away and wreaks havoc in your life. Sadly, your type will never make you happy.

When you consider a new kind of man, someone you might not have dated before, you give yourself the chance to find a better match. Someone you are more compatible with than your “type.”

7. Promise yourself and be unwavering

Review the list of what you didn’t like about your exes. Add any red flags that you previously ignored or new ones you’ve discovered. Stick the list on your refrigerator, or in your desk or purse, so you can refer to it when you start dating a new man.

If you see two or more red flags in the early stages of dating, that’s your signal! You’re in danger of repeating the same mistakes. Promise yourself you will move on before you get in deep and feel too attached.

That’s how you can keep history from repeating itself and learn to trust yourself again. Consciously deciding to leave when you see the writing on the wall, rather than hoping things will change, is the most empowering step you can take.

Promise to honor what you know and take care of yourself. You are in charge of your heart, not the other way around as some would have you believe.

Don’t be afraid to love again

Don’t let the scary relationship patterns of your past predict your future. Mindful dating, plus a willingness to learn from your mistakes puts you in charge. You can attract and pick a better man to find lasting love!

Happy Halloween!

 

Need help with choosing a good guy? Get my free audio program 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man.

 

How to Recover From An Almost Relationship That Felt So Real

almost relationship

What is an “Almost Relationship?” I bet you know what I mean without the explanation, but just in case, I’m going to go ahead and spell it out.

Defining the Almost Relationship

almost relationship

You are captivated and perhaps in love with an elusive man. He might text a lot or also call and Facetime. It might be a long distance thing or he’s just too busy to see you. Maybe he does have lunch with you or take you on one date night.

Yet, you are so taken with him and attracted like a moth to a flame, that you’re willing to accept his limited attention or breadcrumb relationship.

You tell yourself that any time with him is better than nothing. And you feel like he is “The One,” and no other man will do or compare.

You have a dream of what your relationship could be like with him. He seems so close to what you want and you are almost there. Your conversations are intimate and sweet. He shared with you deeply and revealed his personal details, so you know you are someone special to him.

Not a Real Relationship

However, this is not a full relationship. He might care about you but, in the big picture, he doesn’t care enough to have the close, face-to-face romantic relationship you wish for.

No matter how much you dream about it or think about it, he misses the mark completely in terms of being your romantic partner. He’s just not available for all that you want.

Waking up to Reality

almost relationship Waking up to see the reality of your almost relationship is no easy task. Maybe one day he vanishes without a word. Or his contact with you dribbles off into nothing. And you fall apart because he’s no longer a part of your life.

Sadly, sharing your love, support and attention is no longer an option.

Sometimes the realization happens when you get honest with yourself about wanting MORE. That’s how you know, without a doubt, this is not a real, and an almost, relationship.

Then what happens is you likely start blaming yourself for things not working out. You review in detail everything that happened, looking for the thing that pushed him away. You feel you must have done something wrong.

Why Aren’t I Enough?

For some reason beyond your knowing, you just weren’t enough. Maybe not pretty enough, smart enough or you aren’t sure what. Yet, it feels like it’s your fault.

This is natural – it’s how women react. We blame ourselves and think we aren’t good enough. As a result, you review conversations and look for what went wrong, dragging your self-respect and self-worth through the mud.

So here’s the thing, you don’t need to disregard your feelings for him. They were REAL. It’s the almost relationship that wasn’t. So, by all means honor your feelings of love and the loss and rejection that followed.

What matters now is to build yourself back up and remember that you are a great catch and worthy of love. There is a good man out there who wants a woman just like you.

He wasn’t your man or the lasting love you hoped for, but the next one could be. New opportunities will come your way as you heal.

He Strung You Along

In all honesty, this guy probably led you on. He let you believe he cared the same way you did. He might have talked about the future together or said the sweetest things.

It’s completely possible that he really did care, in his own highly limited way.

This Is a Real Breakup

breadcrumb relationshipSince you loved this man, even if the relationship never fully materialized, recognize and acknowledge your loss. Go ahead and treat this like a regular breakup because it’s true for you.

That means you might grieve for a while. Cry and eat ice cream. Call your girlfriends to seek support and kindness because you need to feel heard. Maybe you’ll watch a few chick flicks, go for a run or take an Epsom salt bath with lavender to cleanse your energy and let him go.

Do what you would normally do after a breakup. Take time to heal and invest in self-care.

Then vow you’ll never fall for this kind of almost relationship again. The days of you accepting relationship crumbs from any man are definitely over.

You deserve a real relationship, spending time with a man in person and building a life together. When you feel ready, go after that.

You can find true love, I did it and that’s why I know you can too.

 

Ready to find a quality guy? Get my free audio program on 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Guy

Did I Scare Him Away? 7 Ways You Might Turn Off A New Man

did I scare him away

Have you ever worried, “Did I scare him away?” It’s possible. Find out if you’ve made one of these common mistakes with a new man.

did I scare him awayDon’t Scare Him Away!

Halloween is about the fun of scary things and ghoulish stories. But the last thing you want to do is scare off a new man in your life. Here are seven ways you might inadvertently frighten your date away and how to easily avoid them.

1) Being Fiercely Independent

You are an independent woman who can take care of yourself so you don’t NEED a man. I get it. You might really enjoy your independence or perhaps you fought hard to win it. However, communicating this to a man does not portray as positively as you might imagine.

Most people, including men want to feel needed. They want to help with your car, fix stuff, carry heavy things or open jars.

A fiercely independent woman who is proud of her status can be off putting. Why? Because the guy you’re dating doesn’t want to feel unnecessary in your life. Truth is, you wouldn’t like that either.

You want to avoid bragging about how you can totally take care of yourself. But if you do talk about this with passion and wonder, “Did I scare him away?” chances are the answer will be, “Yes.”

Don’t get me wrong, your independence is fabulous! Just don’t flaunt it in your new guy’s face. Instead, let him open the door for you, order the wine, or pick up the check. Make room for him to take on the traditional role and “be the man.”

If you want to come across as an irresistible woman, then rely on your feminine charm. Find a way to genuinely be warm, receptive, and easy to please. Let him know you appreciate his efforts and say thank you.

2) Talking about the Future

When you meet a wonderful man, it’s hard not to get caught up in the excitement! That’s the fun part of dating. However, if you start doodling his last name with yours or dreaming of a life together after just a few dates, you aren’t living in the present moment. You’ve jumped ahead into the future.

Please don’t plan your future at the start of dating someone new. Stay in the present and maintain an even keel emotionally. This is what I refer to as “Positively Neutral.” You are positive about the future and the present, but you remain detached or neutral.

When you stay REAL about your new guy and keep the pressure off, you allow yourself to remain more objective. Staying neutral is so important for making wise romantic decisions.

This is how you avoid heartbreak. And at the same time you don’t put any pressure on your new guy so you don’t worry, “Did I scare him away?” There is no rush. Take your time getting to know a man.

Anything can happen to move the relationship forward or to cut it short. Your positive, yet neutral outlook keeps you balanced.

When you lean into the future, you’ll appear anxious or needy – Oh no! That sets off warning bells and starts the downhill slide for a man.

Try not to overthink the future. Stay present, keep your eyes open and know that it will all unfold with time. Don’t rush a man if you want him to stick around.

3) Fixing Him

Let me tell you straight out – you cannot change a man. You cannot change anyone, except yourself and even that’s not easy.

There are only two things you can change about a man: 1) his clothing and 2) his hair, if you’re lucky. But that’s it.

He is who he is. Your attempts to improve him could easily be mistaken as a lack of appreciation for who he is right now. That won’t help your budding relationship. Pushing him to change is a great way to push him away and scare him off.

Women do make this mistake all the time! I remember thinking about a guy and wishing I could just mix together a good part of someone else with the new guy’s qualities to have the perfect partner.

We all have done this from time to time. But it’s NOT realistic or possible! If there’s something not working for you – pay attention to that so you don’t get caught up with the wrong guy.

Refrain from fixing him, especially in the first month or two, no matter how tempting it is. Appreciate who he is right now and if you can’t do that, he’s probably not the right man for you.

did I scare him away4) Invading His Space

I’m sure you’ve heard about the man cave. When you are first seeing a new man, he’s going to frequently return to the man cave because he feels really comfortable there.

You may be tempted to reach out to him, especially if you haven’t heard from him. DON’T DO IT! You’ll be invading his private territory. You want to be invited into his world – that’s how you know he’s genuinely interested.

No matter how much you want to, don’t call him, text him or initiate contact for the first four dates. Let him come to you with his own sense of timing. Don’t crowd him, get in his space or take over pursuit. This never works.

If he’s fallen away and you wonder, “Did I scare him away by texting too much?” it’s possible. However, if he doesn’t reach out to you, this lack of communication tells you he’s not that interested. His actions and efforts to connect are the only things that matter. Don’t just rely on his words – they mean nothing without his actions to spend time with you.

One of the best pieces of dating advice you’ll ever get is to let him pursue you.

5) Sharing Your Feelings

This is a must at the start of dating. Don’t be the woman who scared him away with your feelings. Women tend to develop strong feelings and it feels good to tell him about this. But this is often too much too soon for the average man.

Do yourself a big favor and tell your girlfriends instead. Give him the space and time to tell you how he feels FIRST. If not, you could be waiting for a long time to hear those three words that slipped out of your out of your mouth way too soon, “I love you.”

6) Spying on Him

If you stalk him on social media looking for what your guy is up to and saying, you are getting in too deep. What is going on that you need to spy on him? He might not be showing enough interest in you or giving you the kind of attention you want.

Notice if that’s true. If so, that lets you know he might not be the right man for you. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone like you or want a close relationship. Either he wants you in his life as his close romantic companion or he doesn’t.

If you are feeling insecure and this is making you spy on him, wake up. Build your self worth and confidence and go do something fun. stalking him and snooping will not make him like you more. But if he catches you doing this, that’s a surefire way to scare him away.

did I scare him off7) Being Hard to Please

Maybe you are very particular. You like things the way you like them. I get it. You are entitled to have what you want, of course! But how important is this on the first few dates?

If he picks a restaurant you don’t like at all that’s one thing. But if he picks one Italian restaurant and you prefer another, see if you can just go along with his choice this time. You can make your suggestion next time.

On the other hand if you are insistent about where or when or other details and require several calls to set up a single date, he might think you aren’t worth the trouble.

Don’t do this to yourself! Otherwise you might find yourself asking, “Did I scare him away?” Yup, you did.

The last thing you want is to appear picky or difficult. Men like women who are confident, easy to please and fun to be with. That doesn’t mean you have to give up your preferences! Not at all. However, you can ease into them right?

Give a man a chance to get to know you and if he likes you, he’ll likely STRIVE to please you. You’ve got this.

Enjoy the Magic of a New Relationship

There are many more chilling things women do to chase men away, like not returning phone calls, talking about your ex, complaining that all men stink, going on and on about your kids, etc.

So, if you’re dating someone who seems to be a good catch, smile at him, praise his efforts, give him a warm reception and enjoy the magic that is the start of a new relationship.

Happy Halloween!

 

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Is Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior Making It Hard To Find Love?

How do you know when self-sabotaging behavior is interfering in your love life? Watch for these telltale signs and find out what you can do.

How Does Self-Sabotage Happen?

self sabotaging behavior Self-sabotaging behavior is extremely sneaky. How do you know if you’re getting in your own way and causing problems?

Self-sabotage finds a little crack in your confidence and sinks deep roots into your psyche. Then these self-defeating ideas seep into your thinking and seem unshakably true and completely reasonable.

Sometimes the sabotage is not even part of your conscious mind, but your subconscious, which is why people are often totally unaware they are working against themselves.

Here’s what happens. You are firm in your convictions about dating, love and men. True or false, these beliefs become your operating system for how you relate to the world.

You notice articles in the media that prove you are right in this way of thinking all the time. There is so much evidence that finding love again is next to IMPOSSIBLE.

Are you relating to any of this?

Signs of Self-Sabotaging Behavior

There are a number of telltale signs you might not be aware of that allow you to get between yourself and the love you dream of.

  • Sometimes the idea of looking for love completely paralyzes you. You can’t imagine taking a step forward even if you like to read dating blogs and newsletters to learn about the process.
  • Maybe you feel overwhelmed by the idea of dating again and turn away from this to avoid the possible unpleasantness and constant decision making required.
  • Or you fall into a lot of anxiety when you do start dating, worrying about each new man and how he is likely to hurt or disappoint you just like all the rest have.

These situations ooze with distressing self-sabotaging behavior. They show you have been making your choices about love based only on fear of failure. This is the very definition of getting in your own way.

I Was a Self-Sabotage Pro!

I know all about this personally, getting in my own way for nearly 18 YEARS!

When my college boyfriend and I broke up, I was totally heartbroken. I left him because it was obvious he no longer loved me. His behavior made that very clear.

Yet, I was devastated, confused, hurt and so mad that our three year relationship came to such a painful ending. I didn’t want to feel that way again.

As a result, I did almost NOTHING to meet men and find love for 18 years! I kept myself totally safe, even though I thought I was open and looking for love.

So, I was pretty much one of the queens of self-sabotaging behavior. (There are so many of us I can’t possibly claim to be the only queen LOL.)

Years Of Avoiding Heartbreak

self sabotageIn my first job out of college I made lots of friends and had plenty of fun. But get this – my girlfriends and I went dancing at gay bars so the men wouldn’t bother us! I was unknowingly very serious about getting in my own way when it came to men and love.

Then I went back to school for my MBA and got my dream job in brand marketing, working my butt off to succeed and get promoted.

Every so often, I would venture out to a singles dance to meet men. A group of us would stand against the back wall and complain no one asked us to dance. As if we were doing anything to make ourselves available!

Men do not want to walk up to a bunch of women and ask one to dance.That’s too risky for them.

There were also blind dates over the years, but they were terrible – proving again there were no good men out there.

At one point, I dated my neighbor for 6 weeks but that fizzled quickly. I joined a dating service which was completely disastrous. Finally after about 14 years of living the single life, I answered a single’s ad and got my heart trounced after 4 dates with this one guy.

Then I Was Suddenly 40 and Still Single!

Unlike many of my friends, I never found a man or got married . My fear was that being single was my lot in life and I had no hope of changing my romantic status.

After spending the first few months of my 40th year feeling helpless and depressed, somehow a huge realization came to me.

One Potent Solution to Self-Sabotage

If I didn’t want to remain single, I had to look within. Clearly I was the common denominator about all of these experiences. The time arrived to ask myself what I was doing to get in my own way.

The biggest problem I discovered was my belief that there were no good men. Evidence to support this idea could be found everywhere I looked.

As it turns out, this is referred to as “The Human Condition.” You can prove your beliefs are right any time and there is a great need to be RIGHT. But that doesn’t mean they really are which is such a STRANGE aspect of life.

You can be deeply entrenched in your convictions and yet, a 180 degree change is actually completely possible and helpful!

That’s because when you shift your belief, something new can happen. You have to make a crack in your belief system to allow a new, positive belief to root and take hold.

Here are some powerful misconceptions about online dating that can get in the way too.

Getting Past the Fear

self sabotaging behaviorWhen I went on my first date in years at 40, was I afraid? You bet!

I had been working on myself to shift beliefs and open my heart when a friend called out of the blue to fix me up with this guy. She didn’t even know I was working on this and ready for love!

Going on this date was the only way I was going to find love. It was time to meet men, so I said yes to her offer to fix me up with Keith.

Granted Keith was not Mr. Right but, he was just the man I needed to get started dating again. Dating him helped me see this is just a process to get where I wanted to go – to be in love with a wonderful man who wanted to be my life partner.

I dated lots of men after Keith and I stopped seeing each one and within 15 months I met #30 – the man who is now my adorable, loving husband.

The Journey to Find Love

On the journey to find love, it’s true – some men will disappoint you or disappear. You might get hurt and choose the wrong man again.

Yet, you can LEARN what works, get smarter and feel more confident. And then just like me and so many of my clients, you can stop the self-sabotaging behavior to meet the man you’ve been waiting for all along.

If I hadn’t pushed myself out of my comfort zone and dated all those men, I would never have met my sweet husband. If I didn’t look within to understand how I was getting in my own way, I’d still be single for sure.

Being Brave Is Not about Feeling Fearless

The very definition of bravery is to feel the fear and take steps anyway. This is how you know you are ALIVE vs. just existing, by taking steps to fulfill your heart’s desire.

Now, it’s true you don’t need to have a man or a relationship. You don’t need to be married or date. You can have a wonderful, rich and satisfying life being single. No arguments from me.

But if you want love, YOU have to take the steps to find it. Look within, recognize and stop the self-sabotaging behavior, and open your heart to the love that you long for.

If you don’t know where to start, it’s worth taking a look at your possible blocks to love. Listen to this free audio program and discover where you might be getting in your own way.

Online Dating Tips for Women – Best Dating Sites

My online dating tips for women today are about the best dating sites and dating apps. Which ones should you use to find the love you want?

I often recommend very few of these sites since experience tells me that the biggest sites are the best. And online dating tips for women over 40 are different than for younger gals in their 20s. My favorites are most likely what you’d expect.

Match
Bumble
Hinge
Zoosk (especially out west)
ChristianMingle
Jdate

Online Dating Advice

If you are serious about finding love, online dating is the best tool to starting dating quickly, especially over 40. You want to find the biggest pools of single people and the top four sites are the most populated by far.

You have probably noticed that I left a couple of the big players out from the list above. I didn’t include the free sites like OKCupid or Plenty of Fish. If you are serious about finding love, the paid sites are a better opportunity.

Also, I’m not a fan of eHarmony for two reasons:

  1. The site asks too many questions and most men over 40 can’t be bothered with this many details which means they have fewer men than other sites. I know this is true from so many of my clients who get long-distance matches because the site has no local matches for them.
  2. Their complicated communication process with too many predetermined questions rather than just getting to know each other. (It might be possible to bypass this process now.)

Sometimes in large cities this site can still be a good option. New York apparently has a good number of men using eHarmony. If you live in a more progressive area where the men are a bit more introspective, it’s possible that it’s worth giving the site a try. I’ve also heard the site is great for 30 and under.

Some women insist on using this site, which is fine as long as you don’t get frustrated and assume all online dating doesn’t work for you. If you have a bad experience, try another site!

Online Dating Sites and Dating Apps Review

online dating tips for womenI found this great review of online dating sites and they went through several dating sites and dating apps. They list eHarmony first – not one of my favorites, then Match.com, OKCupid, Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Elite Singles, Facebook and more. There are also some great safety tips at the end of the reviews – scroll down to see them.

And here’s a post on how to start a conversation on Bumble.

They based their review on 200+ hours of research, they used 20 sources, vetted 11 companies, and reviewed five features on the site that was most likely to help you find a compatible match. They looked at some of these factors to review the sites:

  • Matching
  • Profile Customization
  • Interfacing Features
  • Privacy and Security
  • Inclusivity

Other criteria that would have been helpful but, perhaps they didn’t have access to the data would be:

  • Geographic skew – some sites like Zoosk are better out west than on the east coast.
  • Number of people on the sites – for example, eHarmony as mentioned is low on men 40+ on the east coast
  • Accuracy of algorithms
  • Quality of messages received by users

It’s a pretty good review of how each site works and worth the read. You’ll pick up some online dating tips for women to help you choose the best site for you.

It’s been said that Match.com and eHarmony do produce the most marriages vs. the hookup culture of a site like OKCupid. (This site has a bunch of questions about sexual preferences but, you do not have to answer them and most people don’t!)

Online Dating Tips for Women

When it comes to eHarmony’s claims about their amazing matching algorithm, I’m not so sure. Maybe it depends on your age and location. Several of my love and dating coaching clients have been told by the site they are not “matchable” but it likely was based on not having enough male inventory in their areas.

So, if you are thinking about online dating or are already participating and considering changing sites, this review of the sites will be extremely helpful!

Remember, write a profile that sets you apart from other women. Stay upbeat and friendly in your text. Be positive and try to capture your personality.

In addition, your photos are the most important element since men are so visual. So, check out this post with my 15 tips for fabulous photos.

Wish you had a dating profile that got the right kind of attention? Check out my Digital Dating Makeover!

Online Dating Tips for Women: Can I Lie about My Age on Dating Apps?

online dating tips for women

Get these essential online dating tips for women. If you’re wondering, “Can I lie about my age on dating apps?” discover what you can get away with.

online dating tips for womenOnline Dating Tips for Women – What’s Your Real Age?

People lie. They lie online about several things. Men lie about an inch or two of height. Women lie about 8 lbs. of weight. And everyone lies about their age. These are statistically the most common lies online, so you should expect that many people will “fudge” a little here and there. After all, what’s an inch or 8 lbs. among friends?

But when it comes to your age, you may be wondering, “Can I lie about my age on dating apps and sites?” How many years should you lie about? Common practice says that two or three years aren’t really a big deal. But where do you draw the line? How much is too much to lie about?

A Personal Story

I want too share one of my own personal stories.  I met men through personal ads that ran in the newspaper. They were really fun to read even if you weren’t dating. I placed my own ads so the men applied to my inbox for dates. Honestly, I met some fabulous men doing this. Combined with singles dances and blind dates, I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet the man who is my adorable husband still today.

Paul, my husband, was the 30th man I dated. But number 29 was a really nice guy too. We got along well and  had fun together. Until one night when I saw his driver’s license. Instead of being three years younger than me as he had told me, he was 6 years younger. That surprised me.

I asked why he lied about his age. He was already younger than me so what was the point? He told me he was afraid I wouldn’t meet him if I knew his real age. Trouble is, this little white lie left me wondering what else he might have fibbed about.

OK maybe it’s just me. But, I don’t think so. Many people will start to wonder about a person’s ability to be truthful.

Find a great guy with 15 creative openers for Bumble

Stretching the Truth – Online Dating Tips for Women

can I lie about my age on dating appsSeveral of my clients ask , “Can I lie about my age on dating apps?” In their mid to late 40s, they’ve taken to stretching the truth from five and to as much as seven years. These women insist men won’t contact them if they admit to being over 45 and claim the way men search, most sort from 30 to 40 and not by 35 – 45. How accurate is that idea?

Let’s look at how this works in reality. Sharon, a stunning blonde of 45 says she’s 38 on Tinder and Match. She won’t even consider admitting to being a day over 40. We talked about how a seven year “fudge factor” might seem to a man she just met and how she planned to tell him.

OK, in all fairness, maybe it will diminish a percentage of the attention. But how much? No one can say for sure. But some men must be looking for women who are 40 – 50 right? Sharon would certainly fit right in that search bracket. My online dating tips for women and in particular for Sharon, was not to lie about seven years – that’s too much.

What’s Your Age Tolerance?

Let’s turn the tables about these online dating tips for women concerning age. How would you feel if you met a man who was 50, and discovered he was really 57? Should he tell you that in the body of his profile, during the first phone call or first date? Should he wait longer and tell you on date three or after you two become exclusive?

People have different tolerance levels for this sort of thing. To me, seven years is a heck of a lot to fudge. Imagine what it will be like to admit this. If it’s on the first phone call, he might not meet you. If you tell him on the first date you might not get a second.

Let’s say you hold off and tell him after a few weeks when he has started to really get to know you and like you. You might be tempted to think that’s a lot safer because now he’s sort of invested in you. Maybe he’ll take it better after you sleep with him. But will he? That’s a big risk if you ask me.

Why doesn’t he like you back? Discover 11 reasons that will surprise you

Are You Creating Trust Issues?

You could be planting a seed that will cause him to always have trust issues with you. Once you start a relationship with a lie, that sets a precedent. Wouldn’t it be better to start closer to the truth? Anyone can cheat about 3 little years, but 7 or 10? That will detract from you being thought of as a person of integrity.

I understand women look fantastic. Many of my clients tell me they look 15 years younger than they are or more. Could they be  kidding themselves a little? I get how you could really look 10 years younger. But 15 or 20 is pushing it. Maybe you are lying to yourself. OK maybe with a good camera lens you could look 20 years younger, but will that hold up in person?

Age is a fact of life. I have to deal with it too. We all do. No one escapes this problem unless they die young. All I’m suggesting is you to get a little closer to the truth and share a little less fudge . I want the men you date to TRUST you and want to stick with you.

Don’t risk the love of a good man by starting things off with a whopper of a lie.

Instead, why not trust that the right man will find you and want you regardless of age? After all, that’s what makes him the RIGHT man!

For more online dating tips for women and getting great photos, click here

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How To Tell If A Guy Wants A Relationship Or Just A Hookup

how to tell if he wants a relationship or a hookup

You want to know how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup? Get these eight bottom line tips that help you gain clarity EVERY time.

how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookupDoes He Just Want to Hook Up?

“Dear Ronnie,

I met a guy last August through a friend, then we connected on Instagram in March this year. We text but I mostly initiate – well he does some of the time. He was heartbroken from his past relationship which ended nine months ago.

In one month of talking he’d said he wasn’t ready for a commitment this year, but then we started texting more anyway. I initiated two phone calls and he called me once – that’s all in these four months of chatting. He has shared everything about his life with me.

He says he’d like to meet me after the pandemic (he’s from another city). He also suggested a video call, but my internet connection is bad. It’s been more than a month since he last called. I’ve given him enough hints that I like him and now I’m frustrated.

How Do You Know If He Just Wants Your Body?

Two days ago he said he’d hookup with me if we both weren’t expecting anything in the long term. I kinda felt hurt after reading that. Not that I’m even thinking of long term, I just really like him. But for him to say that, I just couldn’t understand why.

He says he’s very shy and is very insecure about his looks. I’ve even told him how gorgeous he is, so that he doesn’t feel that way about himself. He also says that I’m beautiful and hasn’t connected to any woman the way he has connected with me.

What should I do? Move on or wait for him? I need help with how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup.

Thanks so much,
Eve”

 

Dear Eve,

I can see why you feel frustrated by your interactions with this man. But I will help you unravel what is really going on here, so you will know EXACTLY how to proceed.

He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

signs he wants a hookupFirst and most important – this guy SAID he doesn’t want a relationship. If you were my love and dating coaching client, you’d know immediately that’s the end of the line for any man. This is the one time when you KNOW a man is telling the truth – when he says anything even remotely similar that would push you away:

  • I’m not looking for a relationship
  • I’m not ready for a relationship
  • I’m not looking for anything serious
  • I’m not looking for a relationship, but I’m happy to get to know you and see what happens
  • I need space, but am happy to get to know you

This is your opportunity to NEVER go through this type of confusion again. The minute some guy utters anything close to these lines, tell him, “Thanks for letting me know,” and MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY.

He’s Emotionally Unavailable

Men who don’t want anything serious will OFTEN say, “I’ve been heartbroken.” Other similar phrases with the same meaning include:

  • I’m wary of women
  • I’m afraid of intimacy
  • I’m afraid to get close
  • I was badly hurt
  • My ex was horrible, mean, crazy, etc.
  • I’ve never been in love
  • I’m shy and don’t have enough confidence

These comments let you know one of two things.

Option #1 – He really has been wounded. Please know you cannot help him get over anyone or prove that great women exist. If he’s wounded – he needs to heal his heart ALL BY HIMSELF.

Option #2 – Some clever men know women can be suckers for a man in pain. This is highly manipulative. He knows he can draw you into his web by telling you his sad story.

He gains your trust in this manner, so he can take advantage of your good heart and caring nature. And then have his way with you without any expectations on him. Because he’s “wounded.” Or string you along for the emotional support without any intention of taking this to the next level.

When you meet a man who claims he’s shy, hurt, or never been in love, RUN. Or expect devastating heartbreak because you’ll generously pour your heart and soul into helping him and it will lead NOWHERE.

6 More Signs He Just Wants to Hookup

how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookupIf you’re still curious how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup, here are six more straight forward signs to clear this up.

Only Compliments Your Looks Yup, that’s his focus and he’s not thinking about much more than getting into your pants. If he wanted a relationship, he’d also be interested in your mind and personality.

Mostly Texts Vs. Calls You – If he’s a big texter, but doesn’t make much effort to actually have a conversation and hear the sound of your lovely voice, he’s looking for a hookup. Men who want a relationship, want to spend time together and sleep with you.

Doesn’t Introduce You To His Peeps – If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while (2-3 months) and he hasn’t introduced you to anyone in his life, he’s not thinking long-term. You might be great to sleep with, but he doesn’t want more.

You Don’t Go On REAL Dates – Mostly your time with him is at your place or his, rather going out on dates. He might get take out or watch a movie with you, but that’s as far as things go. This is not how a quality man treats you.

It’s All At His Convenience – If seeing him is based strictly on his timing and convenience, then he’s most likely got narcissistic tendencies. Or he doesn’t worry about making you happy because he’s not serious about you anyway.

He’s Still On The Apps or Online – This doesn’t apply to you, but a man you meet via the web who won’t take down his profile after a couple of months or agree to exclusivity is not looking for a lasting relationship.

And that’s how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookup.

Don’t Text or Talk for Months Waiting for a Man

how to tell if a guy wants a relationship or just a hookupIf you haven’t started dating, but are just texting or talking, even the four months you’ve invested is too long. Life is SHORT! What are you waiting for? This is why I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships. Forget this guy and look for love locally.

For more about long-distance relationship, you may want to read this.

My dating advice is to never wait for a man who won’t get serious. And with this guy, you haven’t even been on a date yet. I’m so sorry to say, it appears you’ve put your hopes on a far away love that is not going to develop.

You’re Not Thinking Long-Term?

Okay, now this bit of insight is about you. You say you aren’t thinking long-term, but you really like him. This sort of emotional conflict is very common in women. As a love and dating coach I see this ALL THE TIME and the truth of it is you aren’t being completely honest with yourself.

The truth is you DO want a relationship or you wouldn’t care about his desire for just hooking up. If you felt casual about the whole thing, none of this would bother you.

When you start to have feelings, that’s your signal you really want the whole enchilada, even if you aren’t being totally honest with yourself. Most women want a man they can trust and see often to enjoy life with, snuggle up and share the daily ups and downs. That’s normal!

Yet sadly, many women put this desire on hold, hoping a man who isn’t ready to fulfill this basic human need, will somehow come around. That if you act a certain way, are super nice, really helpful or very comforting, and extra patient, he’ll magically BECOME the man you want.

Of course this is a recipe for heartbreak and it will deliver every time.

Learn more with 7 clues he’s not thinking long-term

Date a Man Who Is Ready

You can’t always know the first time you connect, talk or meet if a guy is relationship ready. But if you watch for these signs and don’t seem them…yay! He’s likely a quality guy who is ready for lasting love.

He’ll keep in touch, see you a few times a week, ask you to be exclusive or agree to your request. And, he’ll make your happiness a priority, introduce you to friends and family, include you in his life and decisions, and at some point, tell you that he loves you. Plus, he’s consistent, thoughtful, supportive and loving.

And, that’s how you know you found a keeper! A man who wants and is READY for lasting love.

How To Tell If A Guy Wants A Relationship Or Just A Hookup

So, now you know. You know what to look for in a quality man who wants the same kind of relationship that you do. And, you now know how to spot a guy who just wants a hook up. These tips will never fool you if you put them to work.

The trick is, you have to look at any man’s potential for love in a more fact-based, rather than emotional way. His ability to be a good candidate is NOT based on your feelings for him or how much you like him. Instead it’s all in his behavior AND if he says anything aimed at pushing you away.

My dating advice to you is to stop bothering with this guy and please look locally for the love and relationship you really do want. The right man is out there, so get out there and mingle!

 

Ready for more about understanding men? Download a copy of my book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing!

Why He Won’t Take Down His Online Profile When He Said He Would

he won't take down his online profile

He won’t take down his online profile and that is driving you over the edge. Here’s why and what you need to know about understanding men.

He won't take down his online profileWhy Is He Still Online?

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I met a guy on Tinder when I was traveling for work. I lived in a different state and at the time didn’t think it would be more than the one date. But we kept messaging daily and caught up the next time I was back and he’s come to see me a couple of times as well.

Fast forward 10 months – he confessed he loves me and wants to try to make it work despite the odds and the distance. When we became ‘exclusive,’ we had a discussion about him still being on Tinder.

He said it was out of boredom and for validation and said he’d delete it. Turns out he hasn’t. The frequency of his communication has increased and every call ends with saying how much he loves and misses me.

He Won’t Take Down His Online Profile

I really don’t know how to discuss this with him and wonder whether it’s because he gets bored or lonely or if it’s something more and he’s looking for someone closer. We joked about it last time I saw him. I asked why he wanted to be with me when it would be easier to find someone closer. He said he just wants to be with me and there is no one else.

I want to confront him about it, but I don’t know how. I think it would have to be when we next see each other in a few weeks so I can gauge his reaction properly, but I honestly don’t know what to believe or what I want to believe.

Thanks Ronnie,
Holding My Breath”

Getting to Exclusivity

Dear Holding,

This is such a difficult position to be in so I understand why you feel uncomfortable. On top of this, you have already discussed exclusivity and taking down his profile. He agreed and DIDN’T DO IT! So that leaves you wondering, “Now what?”

The best way to look at this situation is to ignore his reasons for still being online. Yes, do not worry why he won’t take down his online profile.

The truth is IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY – if he’s bored, lonely or wants someone closer geographically.

What does matter? How you want to be treated! You want to be respected and he is not giving you that respect.

This man professes his love for you, yet didn’t follow through on your simple request to take down his profile. That tells you he values staying online more than making you happy. Not a good sign for your hopes of lasting love.

Words Are Not Enough

he won't take down his online profileCalling you, texting, expressing his love – all of these are nice, but not enough for lasting love.  You need a man who is committed to you and your relationship.

The man you want needs to value your love and therefore won’t do anything to mess that up.  A man who keeps his word and does what he says.

That doesn’t describe your current guy.

Where Is the Relationship Going?

I do have a big question – where do you see this relationship going? Are you hoping one of you will move to live near or with the other?

Keeping a long distance relationship going is a lot more work than when you live close by. What are your hopes? Because if you don’t see this progressing to living together or marriage, why go through all this?

How Do You Confront Him About His Profile?

When he won’t take down his online profile, I’m not sure bringing this up in person will make a difference. And, if things don’t go your way, that could be really awkward.

The phone will be easier. Bring it up directly without prefacing the discussion with, “We have to talk.” That language puts a man on high alert.

You could simply say, “10 months ago you told me you’d take your profile down but, it’s still up. That isn’t working for me. I want to be with a man who keeps his word. You want us to be together and exclusive, so will you please take your profile down today?”

Then listen to how he reacts and what he says. Keep this in mind: There are NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES or time to think about it. The only answer he can offer is, “Yes, I will do it today.” And then he does it.

If not, how can you possibly continue and have any self-respect?

Stick to Your Ultimatum

he won't take down his online profileHowever, for this to work you have to be willing to hold up your end. The last line in your question about not knowing what to believe or even what you WANT to believe is the tip off you might be wavering.

Asking him to take down the profile is an ultimatum, so you have to be willing to stop seeing him and walk away if he won’t take his profile down immediately.

You must stand behind your words just like you want him to do. Are you OK with that?

The point of the ultimatum is NOT to get him to change. He has to WANT to do that on his own.

You are just letting him know this is the end of the line if he won’t take down his online profile. You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect and if you don’t get that, you are moving on.

The real purpose of an ultimatum is to do what is right for you. Can you stay with a man who will not stop looking for other women after all this time? You simply can’t if you want to maintain your dignity and value yourself.

This is his chance to decide what he wants – and your chance to respond accordingly. If you don’t honor your own ultimatum, he won’t take down his online profile.

Stand Up for Yourself

This is how you know you are with the right man: when you are not afraid to ask for something or discuss anything that doesn’t work for you.

You cannot maintain a healthy relationship if you are unwilling to do this. When the man you’re dating is unwilling to talk things through or keep his word, he can’t be the Right Man for you.

Take the chance to ask about this and then follow through. If he’s not the guy, there are other good men out there waiting to meet a great gal like you.

Don’t put up with vague exclusivity which is actually no exclusivity. You deserve the real thing when it comes to love and a lasting, healthy, romantic relationship.

The bottom line is, if he won’t take down his online profile, you won’t be with him any more. Case closed.

Want to know more about understanding men’s mixed signals? Download this free book now, His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing!

 

 

How To Not Be Clingy So You Avoid Turning Off A Great Guy

how to not be clingy

If it’s time to figure out how to not be clingy, this article reveals 9 simple methods to avoid such unattractive behavior. You can conquer neediness!

How to Identify Clingy Behavior

how to not be clingyAt the start of dating, you might feel nervous about what will happen in the future with this new man. When will he call again? How much does he like you? Is he thinking about you long-term? Could he be “The One”?

That’s so normal! And a big part of the excitement of dating someone new. How you handle all of that is often dependent on your style of attachment.

According to Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of the book Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment, there are three distinct ways adults behave in relationship.

1. Secure – People who are comfortable with intimacy and are warm and loving
2. Avoidant – People who feel intimacy represents a loss of independence so avoid closeness
3. Anxious – People who become preoccupied and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to return their love

So, if you fall into the Anxious category, you are more likely to exhibit clingy behavior. Maybe you’ve had a few difficult relationship experiences where the guy pulled away or ghosted. Sometimes being clingy stems from having a hard time being alone.

Don’t worry, there are surefire ways to conquer your neediness!

Why Is Being Clingy a Problem?

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Clingy behavior can show up in a variety of ways. You might want to text all the time or talk every night. Affection and holding hands in public might seem imperative. Jealousy could be a problem if your man shares his attention with anyone else.

The bottom line on needy behavior often boils down to simply not feeling secure in yourself or your relationship. At the start of dating someone new this makes total sense. But sometimes your clingy behavior continues on into the relationship and can literally destroy the bond you have.

You want to know how to not be clingy so you can calm your fears and manage your natural feelings of insecurity. Otherwise you could inadvertently turn off your love interest and sadly push him away.

9 Simple Strategies to Stop Being Clingy

1. Focus on Yourself

When you feel clingy, you are focused on your partner and what they are doing or not doing. This is an external focus requiring something from your man in order to feel everything is OK.

The truth is, you need to feel OK from within first. You want to creates your own sense of security. That’s why the first strategy is  to focus on yourself.  What can you do to take care of yourself? What one thing will help you feel safer?

Once you figure that out, do not hesitate! Take that step to help yourself feel calmer and know no matter what you will be OK.

2. Respect Boundaries

respect his boundariesEveryone needs their own space and this must be respected. A boundary is like an invisible line that separates you from others. It’s about personal space and privacy and crossing this line creates problems in any relationship.

What this means is that you can’t demand all of your man’s time and attention or be in his face about your needs. First of all, you want a man who WANTS to stay in touch, be with you and please you.

Second, you don’t want always be asking for something from him. This can be terribly annoying and will not appeal to a strong, masculine man. The average man likes things to be his idea, so when you continually make requests or demands, this will not sit well.

Boundaries can be about privacy too. So you want to avoid snooping on his phone, looking at his calendar or digging through his bureau. Always remember how you’d feel if he did that to you. That’s a good rule of thumb when it comes to respecting space and boundaries.

So, even if you really feel like you need your man’s attention, learn to hold back a bit to respect his boundaries.

3. Keep Your Life Separate

how to not be clingyIf you’re wondering how to not be clingy, do not collapse your life into his. Until you are living together or married, keep your life separate, at last parts of it. Even when you marry, you don’t want to give up everything.

Maintaining some activities that are just for you or you and your girlfriends or family is very important for any healthy relationship. You had a life before you met your man and the things you do to feel fulfilled should be continued.

If you enjoy playing the violin, doing expressive dance, yoga retreats or anything that helps you express yourself or feel fulfilled, should continue on whether or not you find the right relationship.

In fact, the right man would want you to do your own thing sometimes so he can do his own thing too.

A little time apart makes the time together that much more special. You don’t need to be joined at the hip to be close. Give him some space and keep your own life active.

4. Stay Busy

Don’t rely on your man to keep you busy. Instead, make sure you set aside time for your errands, special projects, best friends or just watching your favorite Netflix series. If you tend to become clingy, staying busy will help you keep your mind off your man.

Make a list of projects or things to do when you need to take your mind of your new relationship. This is a great way to distract yourself! Clean out a closet. Read a new book. Create a vision board. Bake some bread.

A busy woman is often a happy woman, so find some things to do and get to it.

5. Learn Something New

When you throw yourself into something new, it can be so exciting. And it’s a great way how to not be clingy. Start a new hobby. Learn a new language. Join a new group.

Whatever it is, infusing your life with new activities or learning keeps you engaged in life and diversifies who you are so you have that much more to offer in a relationship. This is what makes you interesting and maintains a level of independence.

6. Call a Friend

If you feel your neediness rising, pick up the phone and call a friend! Sometimes you have to distract yourself from this feeling and think and talk about something else. Get curious about what your friend is up to. Discover what she has planned for the weekend or the summer.

Maybe you’ll have a good laugh or talk about memories. it doesn’t matter what you discuss, so long as you don’t reach out to your new boyfriend.

7. Spend Time in Nature

If your mind is running you in circles and you know an attack of clinginess is on the horizon, go outside! Spending time in nature has such a calming influence. Really look around and wonder at how everything works. Marvel over the beauty of flowers, clouds in the sky and why birds sing.

It may sound silly but nature can be like a best friend when you start to feel frantic and needy.

8. Train Your Brain

how to not be clingyIf you find yourself doing a lot of “What if…” this is where you want to decide who is in charge. sometimes your mind becomes a run away train if you allow that to happen.

Instead, you have to decide who is in charge. Is it the insecure worrier who will run your life thinking up troubling scenarios? No!

9. Know You Are Worthy

Whether or not your new guy recognizes how special you are, know that you are worthy of love and attention. That knowledge must come from within. If you are constantly looking for validating outside yourself, that would make anyone feel needy!

If insecurity is at the root of your clingy behavior, take time to build your self-esteem and self-worth. This is an inside job so to speak. If you try to get all your validation for a new man, you are sure to be disappointed.

Regardless of what happened in your last relationship or in your family, you deserve love Especially self love!

The Truth of How to Not Be Clingy

While I’ve shared nine simple ways to avoid being clingy, there are so many methods that could work. What matters most is your desire to overcome this potentially annoying and off-putting behavior.

Set an intention at the start of your day, “Today, I am worthy of love no matter what.” This is how you set up the energy for a good day and keep yourself on track to look within for all your validation.

Let some other woman take over the needy parade. For now you are off the hook. And that’s how to not be clingy!

If you want to learn more about building confidence and  self-love, you might like the Time to Shine program.

 

How To Be Feminine To Capture The Heart Of A Masculine Man

how to be more feminine

Wondering how to be feminine? Discover seven ways to capture the attention and heart of a masculine, successful man with your feminine charm.

Why Is Femininity So Vital?

how to be feminine When it comes to a man with a strong masculine vibe, he’s likely to be successful, decisive and a leader. This kind of man is very attractive for so many women. And, he’s the type who is naturally attracted to a feminine woman.

What Is Feminine Charm?

A woman with feminine charm is comfortable in her own skin and confident. She knows how to access her softer side and leverage her allure. Her Inner Goddess is not slumbering. She is deeply connected to her “queen” energy and relies on femininity to get noticed by high caliber men.

Where Does Femininity Come From?

Some women come by their feminine skills naturally. They learned from mothers, sisters or girlfriends or the skill is innate. Other women, especially those with extensive business success can tend to struggle. The reason? Because they are more comfortable using their masculine energy like at work.

Harnessing masculine energy gets stuff done! This is the same as being a chick in charge. Yet, that’s how you know you’re not using your femininity which is more intuitive, creative and collaborative.

Many women don’t see the point of being more feminine and even feel its demeaning. If you want a masculine man, it’s time to rethink that way of looking at femininity. As a woman, your feminine nature allows you to relate and interact more easily with quality guys.

Denying Your Feminine Nature

On the other hand, denying your feminine nature makes you miss out on one of the greatest assets a woman has. You may feel more comfortable and confident with your masculine business skills. However, that causes men to see you as a competitor rather than someone to date.

You will not capture a man’s romantic interest or spark any chemistry if you ignore your feminine side. As a result, many women end up in the “friend zone.”

Chemistry and Femininity Are Linked

how to be more feminine Sexual tension stems from the differences between feminine and masculine energy. The magnetic pull between opposites creates attraction.

So, when you take charge of “courtship,” by asking him out or asking to see him again at the end of a date, these actions dissolve all the tension! Bummer!

Your actions to get the ball rolling with a man can be a major turnoff to a masculine leader who often takes charge.

Stop thinking men are shy! If a man wants to date you, he will ask you. Don’t do his job for him. Be willing to walk away if he doesn’t initiate because now you know he’s not that into you.

How to Be Feminine – 7 Simple Ways

Ready to amp up your femininity? It’s surprisingly easy!

1) Nurture Inner Beauty

So much of your beauty is based on how you feel about yourself. This is an inside job! Take time for yourself if you want to amp up your feminine energy. A woman who pampers herself is a woman who feels good about herself.

I’m not talking about plastic surgery or even fillers. Not at all! For instance, you might get more sleep, take time for self-reflection writing in a journal or meditate. Maybe you prefer to workout, do yoga, or start a creative project.

Think about what nurtures your soul and alleviates stress and you’ll be on your way to greater inner beauty.

2) Tend to Outer Beauty

Every woman has her own sense of beauty. Yet, that can always be enhanced! Get a hair cut that makes you feel fabulous. Wear at least some basic makeup like mascara, blush and lip gloss.

Choose clothing colors and styles that make the most of your assets. When you take time to work on your outer beauty, your confidence builds. And that’s how to be feminine and what makes you more attractive to a masculine guy.

3) Live with Beauty

You deserve to live in a beautiful place. If you’re wondering how to be feminine, one solution is to clean your home and clear your clutter. Then you’ll be free to enjoy your decor and the lovely space you’ve created. Buy yourself some flowers and decorate with houseplants. Turn your abode into your own personal spa.

Your home is a reflection of who you are and how you feel about yourself. When you surround yourself with beauty, you are naturally more connected to your feminine energy.

4) Enrich Your Life

When you are passionate about something, you become a more interesting woman. Learn a new language, how to salsa dance or grow an indoor garden. Cook unique food from exotic places, develop your intuition or get into photography.

Enriching your life helps you build confidence and feel good about yourself. Plus, it gives you more to talk about when you meet men. Like you, a quality man appreciates a woman with interests, passion and her own full life.

5) Become Hospitable

how to be feminineHospitality is the art of making others feel comfortable. In the past, this was an expected area for women to excel.

How does this apply to being feminine today? Think about how you can help a man feel more comfortable around you. When you are gracious, fun, light-hearted and easy to please, you are easy to be with.

As a result, a man feels good around you and this is how he chooses who he wants to spend time with! Allow your feminine charm to flourish and be the kind of woman who is a remarkable date. This is how to be feminine.

6) Sharpen Conversation Skills

The biggest piece of good conversation skills is learning to really listen. Don’t worry so much about what you are going to say. Instead, pay attention to the man you are with and what he has to say. Ask him questions to clarify or learn more about what he’s saying.

Then if you have something to add from your life on this topic, go right ahead. This is how you build a strong connection. If you practice your listening skills, rather than gushing about your life, you will get to know men better and give them a chance to shine.

7) Leave Some Mystery

You may pride yourself on being authentic and that certainly has it’s benefits. However, the old adage “less is more” is equally true. There’s no need to spill your guts on a first date or the call or messaging before you meet. You want him to wonder a little about you.

This is especially true about your current dating experience or past lovers. Leave out details and change the subject even if your date asks.

Some things should be on a “need to know basis.” Wait a while to see if he’s worthy of knowing your private stories. You’ll get to sharing about past loves and what went wrong soon enough. But up front, let a man see your best parts.

You can’t know ahead of time what might turn a man off about you, so be smart and keep your intimate details private for a while. A little restraint allows a man to become curious. Being mysterious is so magnetic!

Attract a Masculine Man

There you have it – how to be feminine and seven ways to capture the heart of a masculine man. These suggestions are fairly simple and easy to do. And you’ll enjoy doing them all as well.

What’s good for improving your life and confidence will also make you practically irresistible! Imagine that – you can be an irresistible woman. Go for it and let me know how it works in the comment section below.

 

Ready to find out how you can attract the successful, masculine man of your dreams? Let’s have a complimentary conversation.