- Have you had more than one long-term relationship?
- Have you been married more than once?
- Do you feel like you pick the wrong men?
A lot of people feel like a loser about their relationships. Maybe they’ve had a few long-term relationships that went south. And if you asked them how many relationships have you been in over the last 20 years, they might grimace.
This way of thinking is understandable. When you can’t keep it going while others seem to manage, you might think there is something wrong with you. You might blame your self, question your worthiness or feel you have a bad picker.
But, as your dating coach, I’d like to suggest another way to look at your track record.
What if you are learning?
Often the very best way to learn is through practice. Being in relationship offers loads of life lessons. According to many spiritual practices, relationships offer rich ground to grow and work out issues. What if you have been doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing?
-Does that feel different to you?
-What does that perspective offer you?
-How does that way of looking at your relationships help you shift your thoughts about yourself?
Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God has been married five times. Yup, count ’em. 1-2-3-4-5! This is how he looks at what he’s been through. He’s always learning. Aren’t you learning too? He agrees with the spiritual aspect of relationships and how they offer great opportunities to grow and improve and that is the purpose of life really. At least one of the purposes.
Think about our lives today. How many people…
-Live in the first house they bought?
-Are still in their first job?
-Live in the town where they grew up?
Not many can say “Yes” to any of those three questions. We are moving, changing, evolving at a rapid pace. Sometimes it feels like the speed of light doesn’t it?
To me, its natural that you might have more than one long-term relationship as you continue to evolve. You learn lessons and grow out of a relationship. It was good at one point. Then it wasn’t. So, it stands to reasons that you moved on.
If you think about your situation through this new lens, can you cut yourself some slack? Can you lighten up and consider you are exactly where you are supposed to be? You have learned things, feel clear on what you don’t want to do again – this is a good thing! Clarity is a sought-after condition.
As your dating coach for women dating over 40 or dating after divorce, I invite you to adopt this concept as your own. Start thinking about your relationships in terms of what you learned, how you grew and where you are going next. Then, get out there to meet a new fellow, a guy with qualities to match the woman you are right now.
You deserve love no matter how many times you’ve already been down that road. Or even if you’ve never been there before. The only way to find it is to start looking. Cross paths with new people and feel good about who you are. After all, some single guy would be darn lucky to be with a fabulous woman like you.
Photo Credit: the.leonko
4 thoughts on “Are You a Relationship Loser? Dating After Divorce”
Vicki – wow that’s quite a statement of your intention! good for you for establishing boundaries and setting up what I call your “dating protocol”.
Bobbi – I like your point about gleaning lessons from every relatinoship promoting faster healing!
I’m 42 and I’ve never been married. I date a lot of divorced men, and it’s always a little weird. Not just the fact that they have a lot of emotional baggage and personality quirks that probably contributed to their relationship blow-ups, but also just the enormous gap in expectations. I never throw myself into a serious relationship, or even intimacy, with someone I’ve only met a couple of times. Most divorced men are far too eager to just launch the relationship and short-cut the getting to know you phase. I hate that. I’ve made a rule (and put it in my online dating profile) that I won’t be physically intimate with anyone until I’ve met their families. I think by the time they know you well enough to introduce you to their families, they’ve actually bothered to get to know you! Otherwise, they won’t bother.
dating relationships should start with the same things that strong friendships start with good communication, truthfulness, and respect. Dating relationships are a little different because they may include physical traditions of showing you care, like hugging, kissing, or holding hands. woman has a happy relationship with her boyfriend. However it is a complicated relationship. Not only is he her boss, but he is also married. Her friends do not approve of her relationship which makes it even harder for her.
Exactly Ronnie! As usual you are right on target. It may not feel like it right out of a failed relationship, but there is always something positive to glean from every one. And when you remind yourself of that, the healing can often come far quicker.