Here’s a question about online dating sent from one of my clients who is out there meeting men and seeking Mr. Right. Her struggles are echoed by countless women using online dating as one way to meet more men.
“Hi Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women
Boy, online dating is a fickle thing! A man emails you and acts all interested, then a couple of days later; “Oh, I met someone… “. Or, you go out for an evening, talk for three hours in an engaging way, then no more contact. I never hear from the guy again! Jeesh!!
Is it all about timing? What’s your best advice on this? Just keep going? It all seems like a pipe dream… How in the world can a woman keep a good guy’s interest?
Thanks so much,
Kim in Michigan”
Online Dating Tips to Get a Second Date
Hi Kim,
Yes, online dating can be very up and down and it seems like people are extremely fickle. Just know that for whatever reason, these men who don’t follow up or change their minds have opted out of your dating pool. 99.95 of the time, they are doing you a favor, even if you can’t see it.
I found the attitude that kept me going while I was dating (I date 30 men to find my husband) was to simply dust myself off and say in my mind – “Next!”Remembering that there were plenty more men to meet, a veritable endless supply, kept me active and hopeful.
The only other suggestion I have is to make sure you aren’t doing anything to drive them away on the first date without realizing it. You probably aren’t doing these things, but just in case, here’s a quick list of conversation topics that are not appropriate for a first date:
Don’t talk about (more than briefly):
- Your job
- Your children
- Your ex
- Your divorce
- How hard dating is
- How hard it is to find a decent man
- How super busy you are
- Your health
- Your financial troubles
- Family problems
- Politics
None of these topics will show you off in the best light. and on the first date, that is your entire focus, right? You want the man to see the best you have to offer – not a woman worn down by dating, kids, divorce, or a demanding boss. Even if all that is true, its not attractive. And these things do not define you as a whole person. That is…unless you let them.
You want to demonstrate the delightful part of yourself. The part a man will be so happy to come home to. The same way you would want to come home to a man who wants to know how your day was and offer you support and encouragement. To make you laugh and bring joy into your life. That is what you want right? WELL MEN WANT THAT TOO!
Now you may say, “I only talk about these things when the man brings them up.” But my response to that is to avoid the topics anyway. Don’t contribute to that line of discussion. Let him finish up, then switch to a more positive subject.
Wondering what’s left to talk about on a first meeting from online dating? Try any of these conversation starters which bring out someone’s passion for life:
- Vacations
- Favorite foods
- Movies
- Sports
- Local news
- TV programs
- Books
- Music and concerts
- Hobbies
- Technology
- Exercise
- Clubs you belong to
- What would you do on a rainy Sunday afternoon
- Your favorite things about the season your in
All of these topics have something very important in common – they show you in a positive light and highlight your passion and excitement. This makes you that much more attractive to the opposite sex.
The best online dating advice I can give you is to simply keep going. Smile and put one foot in front of the other. Meet at least one new man a week. And remember my motto:
“Every man you meet brings you one closer to the right man for you.”
With loads of love,
Ronnie
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
I met a guy online – seemed nice. I went to hide my profile and saw that he was still on line – I checked a couple more times to find the same thing. Since I had a paid membership I gave it to a g/f. Since he realized I was checking on him, before giving up my profile, he stopped calling. I presume its over! Now what???
Hi Jo – There is absolutely nothing you can do. If he was into you, he’d be dating you. Just signup again and start fresh. However, here’s what is MOST important about the future. 1) Don’t take your profile down until a a man asks you to be exclusive. Or until you bring it up and discuss being exclusive. 2) One date or even 4 dates doesn’t mean you two are a couple. Dating is just the start of things. 3) Don’t narrow your options so quickly – keep dating until you have an agreement with a man to be exclusive. This could take 4-10 dates and sometimes more than 6-8 weeks. It takes time to get to know someone and build a relationship. 4) Not every man who dates you wants a relationship – another reason not to stop seeing other people. The idea is to date new people casually until it becomes more serious and exclusivity is discussed. 5) Don’t keep checking a man’s profile – he can see you doing this and might think you are stalking him.
That’s a lot of feedback I know, but I can see you have some misconceptions about online dating and knowing more will make your experience better. I encourage you to check out my “Sizzle vs. Fizzle” Online Home Study Kit or try the Inner Circle Monthly Q&A call so you can ask me questions directly.
Dear M,
I don’t know why you continue to read my blog when you dislike my advice so much?
Regarding a direct question – of course it depends. If you are asked, “Why are you still single?” answer that you have been waiting patiently for him. A bit of humor can work.
If you are asked “Why did you get divorced?” there are several replies that could work but all of them keep things simple. 1) We wanted different things. 2) We stopped seeing the world the same way” 3) We fell out of love. Any of these could be true. And no additional detail is needed. The idea is to keep it short, neutral and then shift to the upbeat. You can also deflect by saying something like, “I’d prefer to get to know you then talk about my past.”
“Now you may say, “I only talk about these things when the man brings them up.” But my response to that is to avoid the topics anyway. Don’t contribute to that line of discussion. Let him finish up, then switch to a more positive subject.”
This doesn’t cover what happens when he asks you a direct question. I know you haven’t had to do this for awhile, Ms. Ryan — you throw that in single womens’ faces with just about every blog post — but if you try to change the subject the man *will* accuse you of being evasive.
(Unless you have some specific suggestions for responses, of course … )