Sadly, how many of you have had to handle a cheating man? This is purely crazy-making and heart breaking. Wreaking havoc, their destructive, callus behavior twists you into emotional knots that go very deep.
This situation spawns countless questions. More than anything, women want to know why.
- Why did he cheat on me?
- Why her?
- What’s better about her than me?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Why didn’t he just leave me?
Having read literally tons of relationship advice from experts around the world, I have scoured the material looking for something about why men cheat that makes sense. Today I found it on the DatingWithoutDrama.com blog in a video by English dating expert, Matthew Hussey. (As a meaningless aside – he’s very cute.)
He broke the question of why men cheat down psychologically so masterfully, I had to share his wisdom with you immediately! I’m just going to add a bit of my input as well as I spell it out for you below.
First and foremost, Matthew pointed out that people like to be comfortable. You know this is true, especially vs. feeling uncomfortable right? Not many would choose discomfort. So, in a relationship – there is often comfort in sticking with the status quo. It’s just easier to keep things the same than shake them up. So he cheats.
Second, Matthew explains that leaving someone is a scary decision. For many, the idea of being alone is too daunting to just walk away from a relationship, particularly if it is comfortable. A lot of men don’t relish the idea of being alone and that’s why they cheat.
Third, the human condition often presents a simple lack of courage. A man would be more inclined to leave if he knew he had options. He’d feel braver knowing there was another woman he could leave for. As Matthew explains, this presents the proverbial “Catch-22” of which comes first, leaving or discovering options? This is why he might cheat.
Fourth, once a man cheats, the damage is done and now he has a reason to leave. Or worse from my perspective, he hopes you’ll end things when you find out, making it even easier for him to depart.
I’m going to add a fifth answer that is not always true by any means, but is certainly a factor at times. Some men just wants to mix things up, and thinking he can get away with it, follows his primordial drive to spread his seed. For a few, this is certainly why men cheat.
Now, please keep this very important fact in mind – women can be just as guilty of cheating as men for these same reason. Well maybe not the seed part, but certainly the desire for variety. So I am not saying that men are the only guilty parties by any means. Trust me, I have had male clients lamenting over catching their woman in bed with another man (or woman).
If you’ve had a cheating man in your life, I hope reading through these reasons has helped you understand how such a travesty could happen. It doesn’t answer why it happened to you or why he chose her. But this review can help you get a clearer picture of what was going on in his head in terms of why cheat rather than just leave you.
Knowledge is power. Now that you have some reasons, I’m hoping it will help to lessen the pain and confusion. If you need tips on healing from a break up, you might want to read this post on 5 Tips to Survive a Breakup.
Click here to watch Matthew’s video.
Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her skills from personal development and her spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to manifesting and midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live an empowered and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She’s the host of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC, & Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com, and Connecticut Magazine among others. Also, Ronnie is the author of 6 books which are available on Amazon.
I have been seeing a man for a year and he has a live in girlfriend…he says that he will not leave her because he is comfortable, but he says they don’t have a connection anymore and sex only once ever 2months…he indicates it should get better when she gets out of school she is busy working full time, school and they just don’t have time for each other…we meet on POF a year after they started dating and her and her daughter moved in 6mo after they started dating…him and I have a connection we texted and talk all day starting at 6am and usually ending about 6pm ever day…I’m extremely confused not sure what I should be doing and why he stays…can you please give me any advice…thanks
Hi Kym, Sorry to say he’s a cheating jerk who is completely selfish. He told you he lives with a woman – so wouldn’t it be best to look for a different man? One who is single? He’d leave if it was so bad. This is just his excuse to have more than one woman and cheat on her. My advice, although I’m not sure you will like it, is to block him on your phone and never speak to him again.
What if the man cheated because he felt pushed away and unloved? But, after the relationship was discovered, he didn’t want to leave his wife and decided to break ties from the other woman and going out with friends, etc, in order to save the marriage? Can he be loyal? Can things change for the better, as long as the couple keep the lines of communication open?
Hi Patti,
There are times when a man comes back after cheating and wants to work on the relationship for real. Only you can be the judge. Do you know what you were doing that made him feel unloved and pushed away? Can you change that about yourself? Or if you felt loving, is that his excuse for straying?
The best thing to do is have a date in mind as a landmark for your relationship recovery. See how things are in 6 months. Try couples counseling – maybe you need to learn how to communicate better with each other. I hear that Imago therapy is excellent for couples. See if he makes a real effort to work on your marriage and please you. See how you do to make him feel loved. Then re-evaluate at 6 months.
This way you are not tied in if things are not better. But you don’t have to decide now if you do want to give things a chance. It’s worth a shot before considering divorce.
How about caring for the other person in the relationship and believing that leaving would be worse for her than undiscovered cheating?
Are you for real? You are trying to tell me you cheat because you care about her? Get real with your desire to stray – its not for HER GOOD, its strictly for yours!