Are you holding a torch for an ex or hoping to rekindle an old flame? You might thinking getting your ex back will solve everything but that is not true!
The Downside of Hoping to Rekindle an Old Flame
As a love and dating coach and former torch-holder myself, here’s what I learned about the hope to rekindle an old flame. Holding on to the hope; that one day you’ll get back together is nothing more than a happy fantasy 99.9% of the time.
And it’s a great way to keep yourself from any new possible rejection since you aren’t dating any new men.
I was guilty of holding a torch for 10 long years (OK, I was a slow learner). I thought I couldn’t move on until I told my college boyfriend what he was missing and what a mistake he’d made. Then an opportunity arose to see him through my class reunion.
We got together and had dinner. Guess what I discovered – TIME IS NOT STATIC. He wasn’t the same person any more and neither was I. I got a good dose of how he was NOT the right guy given where he’d taken his life in the 10 years after dating me.
While we had a nice dinner, the funniest thing is that we didn’t end up discussing our relationship at all. Or my feelings about how things ended. I realized that it just didn’t need to be discussed. There was just nothing to say as it became so clear that being broken up was the perfect thing for both of us.
Finally holding a torch became ridiculous and I let it go out, finally extinguishing the false hope I’d held onto for a decade. I felt free! Too bad I had wasted 10 years of vital dating time because I couldn’t let go. My heart wasn’t open to meeting a new man who could have been a much better match.
Dating Filler Guys While Waiting for Your Ex to Come Back
Sometimes women date “filler guys” while still dreaming of what could be with an ex. This works against you and keeps your love life on hold. That’s because you are still holding a torch, hoping to rekindle an old flame.
As a result, you aren’t fully engaged in these filler relationships. This behavior isn’t fair to the men or to you, since you aren’t giving the new relationship a real chance. Keeping an eye on the past limits your opportunity to find someone who could be a better match!
Telling Yourself Fairy Tales
Did you know that every time you compare a new guy to your ex you are holding a torch for, you are telling yourself a lie?
Thinking about getting your ex back might make you feel better, but it’s not reality. The chances of things working out with an old flame are so incredibly low, you are simply wasting precious time.
Most often, whatever didn’t work in the past with an old boyfriend, will continue to be a problem now. The issues are still there and will also cause you to struggle and break up again.
Rarely, and I mean RARELY do people change. All the old patterns that drove you apart still exist. Time doesn’t somehow automatically shift these problems.
Other Men Can’t Compare
In addition, no man will measure up to the fairy tale of your ex which means you won’t be giving anyone a real chance. Filled with visions of your ex returning to you, no man will be good enough. All men will seem lack luster and unworthy.
The worst part is, when you put all your eggs in one basket – getting your ex back, you will most likely end up with no one. You won’t connect with a new man and you won’t get your ex back, so you’ll still be alone. I’m sure that’s not what you want!
How to Let Go of Your Ex
Please don’t follow in my footsteps, holding a torch for years like I did. Instead, do whatever you need to do to let go, move on and clear things up as soon quickly as possible. That’s your best chance for finding love again.
Whether you were in a relationship or a marriage that ended, these proven and highly effective methods will help you move forward.
To free yourself from the fairy tale of getting back with your ex, wasting time holding a torch and hoping to rekindle an old flame try these empowering suggestions.
7 Methods to Let Go of Your Old Flame
- Write a letter to your ex expressing yourself and then burn it (please don’t send it!)
- Create a visualization in which you imagine telling your ex everything that’s on your mind and in your heart. Go ahead and tell him off if that’s what you need to do – but only in your imagination
- Pray for help to release your ex and let go of the hope that he will come back
- Ask your angels or higher power to help you be strong, heal and move on
- Take time off from dating if you feel too traumatized and allow yourself to heal
- Indulge in extreme self care such as massage, Reiki treatments, facials, anything that helps you relax and honor yourself
- Remind yourself of your ex’s bad points (come on he had them) every time you start to long for the parts you loved. Balance those memories with the bad stuff and make them more realistic
Any of these techniques will help you let go and move forward with your love life. As a love and dating coach, my hope is that you choose the right method for you, apply it as often as needed, and find clarity about your ex as soon as possible.
When you are free of him, you can face the future with a smile, thinking about who might be next! Once you put down or extinguish your torch, you can find the love you want and deserve that is real, compatible and soul satisfying.
Building a positive self image and mindset, as well as loving yourself will make a huge difference. But it’s not always easy to get there on your own.
Check out the Heal Your Heart and Love Mindset sessions which might be just the thing you need to get going in the right direction towards love again.