Inconsistent Men – What His Mixed Signals Tell You About His Intentions

Inconsistent men send mixed signals that can drive you crazy. You wonder, “Why does he ignore me if he likes me?” Maybe he calls, texts or even asks you out sporadically. Find out what it all means.

inconsistent menMixed Signals & Confusing Male Behavior

Dear Love Coach Ronnie,

I’ve been talking to this cute guy for three months. We have gone out a few times and it’s been a blast. But he keeps giving me different signals, so I feel confused about us.

Sometimes he acts like he likes me and sometimes he acts like he doesn’t. This is such confusing male behavior!

Why does he ignore me if he likes me? Most of the time I contact him first, usually by text. He does respond, but doesn’t really initiate. What do you think I should do?  What’s your professional opinion on this guy?  Thanks, Texting Gal

Is He Into Me or Not?

Dear Texting Gal,

I realize this is confusing male behavior since he is so inconsistent. You don’t know if he’s into you or not because he’s so on and off again. Any woman would find his mixed signals confusing.

The tendency for most women is to look at his actions that show he DOES like you and rely on them rather than look at the big picture of his overall behavior. Unfortunately, that’s not the best strategy and can easily lead you astray.

That’s why initially, you should let the man lead, just like in ballroom dancing. In other words, don’t initiate anything for the first several (5-8) dates – let him do all the work.

Using this strategy is the ONLY way you can know how interested a man really is. When he makes the effort to get to know you, stay in touch and see you without your prompting, that’s the true test of his interest.

Inconsistent men tend to be flaky and won’t put in this kind of effort.

Why Does He Ignore Me If He Likes Me?


Why would a man who seems interested choose to ignore you, not respond or delay response? It sure isn’t a sign of true love! Don’t struggle trying to figure out his mixed signals. That’s a big waste of your time.

Instead, I recommend letting him run the show and watch what he does. When you sit back to observe his behavior and notice what he does to be with you, that will make it a lot more obvious what he’s up to. If he’s not consistently pursuing you, he’s not that into you.

What should you do in a case like this?

Do nothing! Don’t text, email, call him, or ask him out. Your job at the start of dating is to respond to his efforts, but that is it. When you hold back on reaching out, inconsistent men show their true colors.

His Silence Sends a Message!

why does he ignore me if he likes meIf you’re still wondering why does he ignore me if he likes me, keep in mind: His silence is a form of communication. He’s telling you through his lack of action that he’s not that into you. He absolutely does not care about you the way you do for him. This is NOT a relationship of balanced attraction or interest.

Signs He Cares But Is Scared

Many of my clients are so busy looking for the signs he cares but is scared, they miss the point entirely. He may act like he cares some of the time.

But if he doesn’t initiate and you always text first or suggest getting together, he’s not into you or the right man for you. These are more examples of confusing male behavior.

He doesn’t care ENOUGH to pursue you consistently, so he’s NOT serious. You know this because his efforts of inconsistent men to see you are sorely lacking.

So, even if he says the sweetest things, sends texts with heart emojis, or tells you he thinks he’s falling for you, it’s all smoke and mirrors if he doesn’t take you on a date at least once a week.

Gain a Better Understanding of Men

why does he ignore me if he likes me - man on benchThese are not signs of being scared, but of insincerity. Maybe he wants attention or to build his ego. He might not be capable of a relationship or he’s cheating on his current woman.

That’s why he’s the wrong man. Inconsistent men leave you hanging with their confusing male behavior. The right man doesn’t send mixed signals!

At the start of dating, following the man’s lead will help you gather important information about him. How often does he text or email? And more importantly, how often does he schedule a date? Inconsistent men just don’t have lasting potential as a mate, regardless of what they say or the attraction you feel.

He’ll Show His True Intentions

inconsistent menThat’s why I recommend you hold back from contacting a man. Give him a chance to show you and demonstrate  what his true intentions are. Follow this advice so you NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME again.

Observing a man’s actions is much better than relying on his sweet words to find out how he really feels. This is how you outfox inconsistent men and their confusing male behavior.

However, in your situation, you’ve already been interacting and dating for a few months. You can’t really start over which makes things more difficult for you.

I’m going to take a risk and be really honest and direct with you since you did ask for my professional opinion.

Inconsistent Men & What You Need to Know

A man’s on again off again efforts to see you and build a strong relationship can be a symptom of several undesirable aspects of his long-term potential. Inconsistent men send mixed signals because they might be:

  • Dating lots of women
  • Not emotionally available
  • Not sure what they want
  • Keeping you “on the line” as a time filler until he finds a better woman
  • Thinking you are better than nothing
  • Wanting to sleep with you without investing much time or effort 

He’s Not Serious about You

why does he ignore me if he likes me In this case I’m sorry to say he’s not serious about you. And when a man isn’t seriously interested, you have no leverage or power to change things. So, please listen to my advice and don’t keep trying.

Make it a point to go out and flirt with new guys to find a man who will consistently call, text and date you. You deserve so much more from a romantic partner.

Don’t put up with this nonsense thinking it’s going to change. If you find yourself wondering “Is he into me?” that’s a sure sign HE’S NOT.

This isn’t a matter of holding out and being patient long enough for him to suddenly get serious and become consistent. Either he is or he isn’t.

No matter how much you like a guy or how good you feel when you are with him, that has nothing to do with his own dating agenda. So many women get caught up in how a man feels vs. what his actions are to win you over. This is where your heart gets broken.

The best thing you can do if you are serious about finding lasting love, is let go of inconsistent men as soon as you see this pattern emerge.

How to Recognize a Relationship Ready Man

On the other hand, there are ways to recognize a man who is relationship ready. It’s time to move on to find a man that wants the same lasting love that you do. Here’s what to watch for to see he might be ready:

  • Calls at least once a week or more
  • Takes you on dates at least once a week
  • Texts in between and stays in touch
  • Wants to get to know you
  • Tries to please you and win you over
  • Introduces you to friends and family (within 2 months or sooner)
  • Asks you to be exclusive (this can take a couple of months)

If you meet enough men, you’ll find a good one and the right one for you!

Wishing you love,
mixed signals


P.S. Ready for more “straight talk” dating advice? 





147 responses on “Inconsistent Men – What His Mixed Signals Tell You About His Intentions

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amita, His slowing down let’s you know he’s not interested in making that extra effort – which also means he’s not that into you. I’m sure he’s into enjoying your lovely company when he’s in town, but I expect you want something deeper than that. You have already started feeling this – listen to your intuition and know he’s not the right man for you. Let him go and PLEASE look for a local guy. They aren’t all great either but at least distance won’t be an added issue.

  2. aminata kamara

    i am in a long distance situation for about 4 months now. He travels maybe 2x a month for work to my city and during that period we get to spend time. I had asked him what his intentions where and he says he’s looking for something serious, he has told me that he likes me recently but states that long distance is difficult so he doesn’t know…he texts me maybe every second day when he’s not in my city but he doesn’t call, we video call sometimes not often. Compared to the start of this, if i text him now, he takes about an hour sometimes 3 to respond. He states he’s very busy with work and thats why his replies are delayed and i don’t believe his reasoning. I like him but am questioning a lot of things. I plan on starting the new yr anew and leaving behind anything that bring me stress. what do you think…

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Niki, Tough one. 8am – 12am – is that what you meant – 16 hours a day? If that’s his schedule, he’s not doing that 6 days a week (unless he’s a doctor in residency perhaps) that would be 96 hours a week! So, I”m not sure I believe that do you? Or, he might like you but like his space. Sounds to me like your relationship expectations are not being met. You want more. If he’s not capable f more (whether he’s lying about the hours or it’s true), that means he can’t meet your needs. It’s that simple. Staying with him won’t mean he’ll suddenly start seeing more of you unless his job changes. If you’re not satisfied with once a week, tell him you need at least twice a week. If he says no, be BRAVE and MOVE ON. It’s only been a month, so before you get completely attached, take care of this. You deserve the kind of relationship you want and with a man who not only wants the same but can provide that.

  4. Niki

    Hi Ronnie! I met this guy (26) at gathering, he approached and gave me his number. He seemed nice with manners, that’s why I decided to meet him after the gathering. Now, we’re dating for a month. But, he’d see me every two days in the beginning and now, because of work (from 8 am to 12 pm, and I checked – it’s true), we see each other once a week. I haven’t dated men who are constantly busy, so I wasn’t sure about his intentions. On the second date he said he wanted a serious relationship. I talked to him recently, asked if we are in a relationship, told him my expectations. He told me he wanted a relationship, we’re in one and he had the same expectations. Should believe him? Is it normal to see him once a week? He texts to check if I’m okay. He listens to me and pays attention to details and helped with a problem. I worry he has more “girlfriends” or just wants sex. But, would he spend time on me since I told him I want a serious relationship if he had more not-so-serious girls?

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Beth, I can’t say for sure, but it does sound suspicious or as you call it “blowing smoke”. Why wouldn’t he have access to his phone? This happens all the time – a man sleeps with a woman and then disappears. When a guy texts sweet messages, but doesn’t make time to see you, that’s stringing you along. I recommend you stop texting him and let him go. He’s certainly not showing serious interest.

  6. Beth

    I recently started talking to a man, speaking and texting everyday. We had sex and the next day he says he’s going out of town for a couple of days. He rarely texted me and when he did, he says I think I could fall in love with you and really misses me. Today I got one text at 9 a.m. saying he would not have access to his phone for a while and I have not heard from him since. He’s my landlord, but owns several businesses so he doesn’t have to see me. Is there something really going on out of town doing or is he just blowing smoke

  7. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sharon, Is he starting to ignore you? He already has been by not asking to see you, giving you excuses (I’m busy) and not responding to texts. Yes, it’s time to let him go. These are all signs of lost interest. Looks like he has intimacy issues – meaning he’s likely emotionally unavailable based on how he’d disappear about a night of closeness. Sometimes this just happens and you can’t see it coming.

    My only thought is for your future is this…if you want a healthy lasting love, you cannot be afraid to bring up something that is bothering you. When you don’t say anything, you damage your self-worth. You don’t have to be angry. You can simply say, “When you disappeared it hurt my feelings. What was that about?”

    Please know this wouldn’t have brought him back or helped him fear intimacy less. This openness is for your own heart. There are some men who will respond and rethink their actions if you kindly and minimally express your concern. That is how a man who truly cares reacts. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you are unwilling to express your needs – that creates resentment which can turn to lack of respect, which is the end of any relationship. If you are with a man you are afraid to talk to, he’s simply the wrong man for you.

  8. Sharon

    Hi Ronnie
    I started dating a guy from work 6 mos ago, very platonic for 4 months and didn’t get physical till 2 mos ago. We started hanging out at night. We were good friends and he did lots of favors for me. Chemistry was very strong as well as communication. Then he became hot & cold out of the blue. He disappeared for a week after an evening of being close. No explanation and returned like nothing happened. I started to pull away as I’m pissed off but don’t talk to him about it as I felt he was busy with his normal life (like I am at times). Now won’t reach out but, responds immediately most times. I’m now confused. He stopped asking to hang out, claiming to be busy. And instances where he wont reply to a text. I feel he is starting to ignore me. Is he fading me out? Should I let him go?

  9. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sofia, Yup, midnight is hookup time. Who needs a man trying to get to know you in the middle of the night? Does he work nights and is bored? Forget him – he’s not serious. Block that guy – you can do better!

  10. Sofia

    Hi Ronnie, Thank you for a great post. There is a man I’m talking to for 2 weeks he is nice and funny but he texts me mostly midnight. It seems like it’s his schedule and he’s mostly out till midnight but I wonder if he is just hooking up with me and I’m only an extra option?

  11. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Maria, Her’s how you know he’s not serious. 1) Sending mixed signals. 2) Gaps between responses. 3) Vague about dates and scheduling one. Why does he keep coming back? Flirting with you is fun and makes him feel good! A man reappearing means nothing if he’s not scheduling weekly dates. Let your hopes of anything with this guy go – not going to happen. Long distance guys often do this – so you might want to read this post on LDR. Don’t give men like this a chance. The chance any man deserves is within two weeks at the most to see you. (7-10 days is smarter.) After that they are just texting or social media buddies and nothing more regardless of the flirty or seriousness of the content. If you want a relationship, look for love locally.

  12. Maria

    Hi Ronnie! Thanks, this clear and helpful. I’ve been acquainted with this guy online for 8 years. We went to the same college but we never got close, but we’ve been contacts on social media since high school. Over the last month, we started talking via instagram daily. Some flirty and get to know you topics. Sometimes I stop replying when the conversation dies and he always initiate the day after. He replies late, though, and am frustrated at how mixed his signals are. I really want to meet in person to be sure about the connection, but he’s based out of town for work. Every time he talks about going out with me, there aren’t any specific plans. But I don’t understand why he keeps reappearing and flirting. I’m tempted to ghost him but, I want to give him a chance, I don’t know if I’m being led on though 🙁

  13. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Paula, Sometimes men find a woman who pulls away more desirable. They like the chase. But with this guy, if you were into again, he’d probably pull the same crap round 2. Since he’s starting to haunt you, why not just turn to him one time and say, “Sorry I’m no longer interested. Please stop stalking me.” Hopefully that confrontation will deter him. If not and it keeps up, you might need to tell him you’ll go to the police, but I doubt it will come to that.

  14. Paula

    Hi Ronnie, Was dating a guy from work. He showered me attention to start and uttered all the sweet things a woman wants to hear. I fell for it & believed I loved him. He then started being intermittent & driving me nuts. I scrambled to know where I stood with him. It was painful & I almost lost my job due to poor performance. I ghosted him without explanation, totally fed up and ignored his texts and phone calls. I vanished from his life. Now he texts sporadically asking if I want a ride home, and will be suddenly at places I frequent staring at me. I walk past without acknowledging him. I am done with him but he now appears obsessed with me when he wasn’t “into” me that much to start. He will also now be at my bus stop sometimes which is a bit creepy.

  15. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, When a woman pulls away because a man isn’t treating her the way she wants, this gives a man the choice to step it up or walk away. He tried to win you back with gifts which is a sweet way for a man to react. Totally normal vs. clingy. You ignored him which is your choice. Sounds like you never talked about it though. I’m not sure about the bike in your neighborhood, that does sound a little like stalking. Or it might mean nothing. Hard to say so keep your eyes open. Or you might just want to say something like, “Hey I saw you in my neighborhood but you didn’t wave. How are you?” This let’s him know that you KNOW he was there.

  16. Kim

    Hi Ronnie,
    Started dating a man at work. Platonic for 6 months, then we started getting physical. Since I knew him I trusted him & I felt a natural draw physically & emotionally. Then he made sparse effort with me. Last minute dates and making me decide what to do. Annoying. I grew weary of his lame attempts, so I decided to ghost & move on. We weren’t exclusive. Three weeks later he put candy on my desk or brought a coffee. I ignored him and tossed the stuff out.

    I’m concerned because on my way home, I saw him walking his bike down my street. He didn’t wave but suddenly ducked into a parking lot. Its creepy & weird he would all of a sudden be there out of the blue. Is he crazy & should I be worried? Leaving stuff on my desk and appearing near my home is clingy and pathetic. For a guy who barely lifted a finger to begin with, why didn’t he just likewise ghost me and move on?

  17. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Madeline, Good for you for cutting things off when it stopped working for you! Very smart self-preservation. All I can do is guess what’s going on. Is there any possibility there is another woman? That could answer why only simple dates (no dinners?) because he couldn’t be seen with you. Or if he started seeing her later or was caught, then he confined his time to see you at work only. Maybe she was out of town during the snow storm and so he hoped to sleep with you? Honestly I’m guessing, but something seems suspicious I agree. I wish I could tell you for sure. I encourage you to not waste your time wondering about him – being over him is up to you. Look for a new man and allow your natural curiosity to diminish.

  18. Madeline

    Hi Ronnie
    A year ago a man at work became very friendly. We talked & texted for 6 mos – all platonic. Then he started asking me out after work at night. Dates were pretty simple like going for walks, movies, coffee, etc. I started liking him & flirted, then he started putting his arm around me, hugging and kissing. We talked & did stuff but also hot and heavy. After 4 mos he started saying how “busy or tired” he was, not asking me out anymore. However at work he texted lots, asked me for lunch but no more dates. I did a slow fade out over time, then ghosted. I couldn’t do it cold Turkey. After 2 mos of me no longer initiating and avoiding him at work, now we barely talk. I thought good I’m over him. After 2 weeks of no contact at all, he texts when there was a huge snow storm and offered to drive into town, pick me up and drive me home. It was a 30 min ride in & seemed like he was going above & beyond suddenly. I am concerned about this out of the blue contact and wonder what his motives were. By the way I declined his help & phoned some one else to come get me.

  19. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Joanna – who knows what his deal is but do you really want to date a boy? You are 40 – experienced, worldly and hopefully wise. He might want an older woman to show him the way or has an Oedipus complex. While it might be flattering or an ego boost, he could break your heart or worse. He’s not asking you out so what does he want? He sounds pushy to me and manipulative – I’d watch it.

  20. Joanna

    Hello.Please help me. I am an older woman, 40, and I notice that this younger guy tends to stay in my face 27.On yesterday it was 22 degrees and the wind was blowing. He stood outside in the cold, without a jacket, shaking and shivering, just to talk to me. He saw me walking across the complex and he yelled my name. He is always questioning my personal life such as job, friends, etc. He stared into my eyes with a deep, non eye breaking way and maintained this smile that showed all teeth. He placed one foot into the doorway of my car and the other on the ground, as he held my door open. He wanted to make sure that I didn’t pull off. Help me! Is he nosey, interested, or a friend?

  21. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Gina, No I don’t think you are being sleazy – I understand this is a real need for you. To me, what matters most is your emotional state during the casual relationship. Are you at risk of falling in love or can you be more like a man and separate emotion from sex? For many women, this is not possible because they get entangled emotionally and end up wanting more from the man who cannot give them love. You did ask this man for more and he said no. Can you stay objective and date others at the same time? Is that realistic for you? If you can answer yes, then give it a try. As long as your heart stays open, it could work out. If you are not attached to him, then I see no issue with being with him and dating others.

  22. Gina

    Hi Ronnie!
    Last year I had a consistent casual relationship with a man. He said sweet things so I was started thinking he may want something serious with me. Is that ever a possible? I had to find out and he was not open to it because he works too much. I don’t mind and respect his decision, but he still wants to see me for fun. Is it bad that I’m ok with this? I made a decision to not allow these casual relationships anymore. If I focus on having real dates, is it OK to keep a casual relationship for the purpose of sexual gratification while I date? Is that ever right? Most sources tell me to wait for the one, but I have done that many times and no one ever came. I have a strong desire that is difficult if not tended too. I would like to flourish in my own experiences while that lasts. I hope I’m not making this sleazy and others may be going through the same thing. It’s genuine and I have a real concern about my sexual health and my posture as woman in something like this. Please it’s okay to just be brutally honest. Thank you for your time!

  23. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kate, He really didn’t give you much choice. To continue chatting is a waste of time if he can’t move or travel. What’s the point? Video chatting is not a true relationship, yet women (and men too) fall in love virtually all the time. If you want true love, you need to look locally. You did the right thing to end it since he made it clear nothing can come from this. Sometimes people get involved in a hopeless long-distance situation because they just can’t handle anything real. This is one of those times when your head won out over the heart and that is the best choice for you without question. You cannot leave yourself open to a man who sens such mixed messages.

  24. Kate

    Hi Ronnie, I was video chatting with a guy long distance. He told me that he couldn’t move for a couple of years due to his job and I deserve to have someone who can be where I am. A week later he told me he can’t travel. But then he said if he ever comes to the east coast for a work seminar he would like to meet me and I said that would be great. He also said we have a lot of things in common, he thinks I am quality, and it is really hard to find someone good. He asked me what I thought about this. I said I was conflicted. Then he paused and then I said I wish you all the best. I had to end the it because I was confused by his conflicting messages. On one hand he can’t move and travel and on the other he thinks I am quality. He sounded sad. How do you handle a situation where a man sends mixed messages?

  25. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    What great news Karen! Thanks so much for sharing that with my blog readers and me. I”m so happy for you and you are showing the world finding love is truly possible!

  26. Karen

    Hello Ronnie, I have been following up your blog for a while. I also read your book. And I would like to say that you are really insightful! I had been using online dating for 2-3 years and kept meeting guys who were inconsistent and sending mixed signals. At first, it was very hard for me to move on, but I learned from my mistakes. After countless frustrations and rejections (I probably met about 60+ men through the online dating websites or through friends, but somehow most men were not interested in me), I finally met a man who cares about me. He is so considerate and so loving. After 3 months of seeing each other a few times a week, we are now officially together! I am glad that I ignore those men who tried to string me along! So now I found a guy who really takes me seriously!

  27. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Charlie, Since he has been showing sings of being more into you, introducing you to friends and wanting you to meet his family, it makes sense to me to request exclusivity. How many years do you want to go on like this? Time flies by and sometimes you look back to wish you had done more to have a full relationship. Just be aware, for whatever reason he might not want to be exclusive. But before I went off to meet his parents, I’d want that settled. Everyone is different and this kind of casual relationship might work for you. But it sounds to me like you are leaning to get something more serious. You might as well know if he’s willing. If not you can keep things light and date others. But, be honest with yourself because 3 years is a LONG TIME to be casual and you may be more attached than you realize.

  28. Charlie

    I have been seeing this guy on and of for the last 3 years. It’s casual and we see other people. We’ve never talked about exclusivity. We met online and see each other once every 3-4 weeks. We never talk on the phone but he texts. He’s a man of few words, we are both reserved and share many interests. My family deson’t know about him and I’m not ready to tell. We haven’t been intimate yet. Lately. he’s been making an effort to see me and wants us to be a couple. He asked me to go away with him to his parent’s – his mum is a reflexologist who can help this pain in my neck. He has recently started introducing me to his friends. I really like him and I feel safe with him. He is still active online. Is it time to talk about being exclusive? I would hate to see him with someone else. I feel he has to really be there for me to get my full attention.

  29. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tihonor, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but he wanted to get you into bed and now he’s done. That’s why men make excuses – easier than saying something that sounds mean like, “Slept with you already, looking for someone new now.” So he avoids you. I realize this might be hurtful and make you sad. What I recommend is not sleeping with men until maybe 6 dates – then you can see he really wants to get to know you and spend time with you. That will help weed out these other men who aren’t serious.

  30. Tihonor

    Hey Ronnie! This Actually spoke to me because I’m talking to a guy and went out a few times. He is funny,kind, charming spontaneous, likes to have fun not with all the drama and laid back. But one day he decided to come over my house just to watch tv. But we ended up drinking and having sex. The next day we did communicate – everything was fine but now I just feel like he’s not into anymore. Like we used to text each other good morning everyday. Now I don’t receive anything or if I say I miss him he said he miss me too a lil bit. But he’s not missing me to see come me. His favorite excuse is, “You live far” but I told him we could meet half way. So I just don’t know am I over thinking the situation?

  31. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Shivani, Who knows what he is up to? Maybe he doesn’t want anything serious so you passed that test. He might not want to get married or feel any pressure so he was checking to see what you are hoping for from a relationship. It’s good to know what you want even if you aren’t sure if the man you are seeing is the right man. When you know what you want, you won’t get stuck with men who doesn’t want a relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you are hoping for lasting love, admit that to yourself and answer men that way as well. The point of dating is to weed out the wrong men to find the right one so never fear speaking your truth. If you scare a man away – good! He was the wrong man.

  32. Shivani

    I met a guy on dating app. He says he is very glad to meet me and seems to like me a lot. We went out on two dates. First date was amazing and we used to text each other everyday, he asked me on a second date but right before second date he asked me what I was looking for out of this, he said he enjoys talking to me and can see something growing but would like to know my end goal. He just wanted to ensure if I had end goal and he didn’t want me to feel like he is leading up and it doesn’t lead to anything. It was very vague but I said I don’t really think about where this is going and asked him to chill. We had a great but short second date and now the conversation kind of faded though he asked me for a third date while we were on third date. Guy is very decent and nice but I’m not able to figure out what is going on in his mind.

  33. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cath, Your situation is one I often caution my clients about because you are building a virtual relationship, bonding over the telephone by sharing details of your life. This is a friendship of sorts. But it is not a true romantic relationship because you have not met and do not go on dates. I recommend “talking” for no more than 7-10 days straight without a date (and no hour long calls) and then end it if you haven’t met so you don’t get attached. Unfortunately, you have invested HOURS on the phone. A lot of women fall into this trap and it’s so easy to happen.

    I know this is tough because he’s nice, caring and you are both busy. Yet, he shows no signs of meeting you. The trouble is, this phone only suits his needs perfectly. He gets a woman who cares about him and lend a caring ear and you get the same. So (like so many women) you put up with it HOPING he’ll start dating you. At this point it is highly unlikely.

    The best thing you can do is stop talking to him. Or, you can tell him that while he’s a nice guy, you want a man available for real dates at least once a week to build a lasting relationship. Say a phone relationship doesn’t meet your needs so you are moving on. He will try to talk you out of it and might make promises but I doubt anything will change. At least you can say you told him why rather than ghosting on him.

  34. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Janet, That is a mystery! But we can also agree something is a bit off about this situation. He might have performance anxiety or issues or maybe his sexuality is in question. To me in this kind of situation, I would say that since he isn’t taking you on dates, these are booty calls without booty. That makes no sense since there’s no relationship building here. It’s spontaneous and he uses purchasing products from you as his reason to contact you? I think it’s safe to say something is missing and he’s not the right man for you. Don’t you want a man to take you on dates? I’d jump ship and move on.

  35. Janet

    Hey Ronnie
    I am way so totally confused,I met this one guy on tinder and comparing from the rest he became one of my best,invited me on a first date in a restaurant to get to know each other while taking dinner,later went home.A few weeks later he invited me to his place to pick up some inspirations which turned out to be a sleep over ,we never did anything at all not even kiss,got to know each other more and in the morning I left for work ..a few weeks later he purchased one of my products ,and had to take it to his place back again which I found weird but I loved his company and how maturely he treats me than my past relationship,which added to another sleep over with nothing happening, the morning he left me in his house and went to work ,and I left Abit later,what’s buzzing me is I can’t figure out what this is all about…am confused…we do talk in chats and rarely or no calls…the chatting is not everyday though…what do you think I should do I feel am falling for him.

  36. Cath

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have been talking to this man from a dating site for 3 weeks now. He’s been consistently calling at least once a week and we would talk for more than an hour, sometimes 2-3 hours about everything – life, kids, job, even his ex wife. He asks me questions about my day, my life, my job. He remembers if I had meetings and asked how it went, etc. He’s been divorced for a few years and have 4 kids he is very closed to. However, We haven’t met yet. We are both busy sometimes his kids stay with him even when it’s not his weekend. So, I’m questioning if he’s interested and just super busy juggling everything or just stringing me along? I don’t want to get too attached but it’s hard not to after talking for a while and it’s been really nice getting to know each other. Should I take it day by day and see what happens? Thank you!

  37. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jenn, A med student is not your best bet. They do study like crazy. He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship. It might be different if you were closer. But three hours away and studying hard doesn’t sound too realistic for a long distance relationship. Sorry I’m just being practical.

  38. Jenn

    Hey Ronnie,
    So I met a man on a dating app and initially everything was going well. We met up within a week and hit it off. He asked to see me again but he is in med school so we didn’t get a chance to meet up again for a month (he lives 3 hours away). Within this month he would text everyday but then it slowly stopped and I would receive a few texts here and there. We then talked on the phone for 2 hours 3 nights in a row a week leading up to our second date. Our second date was okay and we kissed at the end of it. Now he’ll text/call maybe once a week. I’ve initiated a few text conversations and he’s been polite and responded but they don’t ever go anywhere. He is busy studying for school and told me he is someone who studies all day. I saw that he recently updated his dating profile but he still called me the following day and we talked for a half hour. We do not have any plans as of yet for a 3rd date. Should I assume he’s not interested because he updated his profile and our conversations have been getting shorter? It’s only been 2 months so I don’t want to talk to him about it if I’m just over analyzing. Thanks!

  39. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sandra, Well it certainly doesn’t mean he’s really into you if a month went by. He’s been thinking about you – that’s why he asked if you had a boyfriend yet. But most likely he feels the distance will make things too difficult so he doesn’t keep up with you. That’s what’s going on. Read this post on why he texts out of the blue for more info. But your best option is to stop thinking about him and move on. A man genuinely interested doesn’t disappear or fall out of touch. Confusing signals mean he doesn’t know what he wants or isn’t serious, Either way its not good for you.

  40. Sandra

    Hello Ronnie,
    I was casually dating this guy as we both new he was leaving the state. However, I began to have feelings for him but too short of time to really tell. He seemed to be going through the same, but since he was moving why put ourselves through that. However, we he had mentioned he’d be back for the holidays and the summer to visit family. The entire time I felt mixed signals —was he into me or not. He moved, we touched base a bit, but as I saw I was the one usually reaching out I stopped. We saw each other for about a month, touched base for two, and now a month and half later he texts me out of the blue, “So do you have a boyfriend yet?” Is he trying to see if I’m availabile to hook up or does he have interest? I’m not sure if this is a sweet approach or a douchy thing to do. Why not see how I’ve been first? Maybe he’s shy and bad at approaching the situation. I responded with, “Hi stranger, how are you?” And he didn’t reply. What does this all mean?

  41. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Liz, Actually it seems you already know the answer – even though he obviously really likes you, he doesn’t want to get close. He thinks that’s bad so he’s guarding his heart. And let me tell you – THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FIX THIS. It’s the classic emotionally unavailable man. Enjoy your company is not motivating enough for him to let you into his heart. So if you want more and he won’t give it to you, then you’re best bet is looking for a man who wants to be in a relationship with you. This guy is happy as is, every few weeks and nothing more.

  42. Liz

    Help! I’ve been working at the same job with a man for years. He’s older and I’m younger. Now that I’m older he asked me to hang out the first time (he’s asked many times -I kept saying no). When I finally said yes we hit it off. Now I’m confused and feel like I am getting mixed signals because he doesn’t ask to hangout often – yet whenever we do, we have (both of us, I know he does too) an absolutely incredible time. He always pays, never makes me lift a finger, literally won’t leave my side, acts like he’s my boyfriend, total PDA!

    I’m confused why we barely hangout, he doesn’t barely text at all either. If you had fun with someone wouldn’t you want to see them more? He once said he started to fall for me but pulled back because it’s not good to be really into someone. Wtf does that mean? I just want to see him more instead of just once every few weeks. I hate feeling this way! What do you think? LBC

  43. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Sounds like he hasn’t gotten any better at communicating. Perhaps he thinks your mixed signals are because he does all the initiating – but I agree with your thought process on that. However, this situation is a little different. Since you dated him before and have been seeing him for regularly for 2 months, it’s OK to initiate sometimes.

    To clear this confusion up, the best thing to do is just ask him. You dated before so it’s not like a brand new two month relationship. Say something like, “I am interested in dating you exclusively to see where this goes and that’s the only way I’ll be intimate with you. What do you think?” This way you are clearly stating what you want and how it needs to work. Then stay quiet until he says something. Don’t say another word until he speaks. If he hesitates or makes excuses, then you know he’s not serious. If he says OK let’s try it – why not?

    It’s good to be cautious and smart to avoid heartbreak, but at some point you have to take a risk of some kind to see if things can work. I don’t think it’s too late in this case. Just talk to him and see what he says. But, be prepared, in case he actually doesn’t want to get serious or be exclusive with you.

  44. Anonymous

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met this guy 3 years ago, went on a few dates over a month, and lost touch because I assumed he wasn’t interested. He wasn’t good communicating via text when I left for a 3 week trip. Since then, we both had a serious relationship but he would check on me once in a while to see how I was. I was weary of his intentions as his relationship was very on and off. Now we’re both single and I felt he was taking our newfound friendship slowly, getting to know me and taking me on dates, etc. But then he wanted to more intimacy. We’ve gotten to know each other in a very deep way but, once in a while he’ll ask why I don’t date others.

    After 2 months of mixed signals like this, I told him either I’m with someone that I’m serious about to be intimate or I’m single. What is with his mixed signals? It’s obvious he likes me but he says he doesn’t like anyone right now. He said I give him mixed signals too. He initiates almost all our dates because I am fresh out of my relationship and don’t want to get hurt by a guy I had to convince to date me. I never got to ask what he meant by my mixed signals, but if both parties feel mixed signals, how is that even workable?

  45. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Shmaira, I’m not sure if you can get him back and not sure if he’s the right man for you either. You have to be able to talk to each other without ending up in a fight so that’s a sing he might not be a good husband or boyfriend really. Then you pushed him away in anger by saying you didn’t want to be in a relationship so he immediately starts dating someone new? He can’t be that into you if he did this. Even though this is upsetting, it might be better for you. If you are not ready to marry and he is – then you do not want the same thing. Since he doesn’t want to drop the other woman it’s time to move on and find someone new and hopefully a man who you can discuss things with – so necessary for a loving marriage.

  46. Shmaira

    Hi Ronnie,

    I dated a guy for 2 months but not seriously. We fell for each other, he is protective, but not good with handling discussions or my anger and we end up fighting. Four days back we were out and he said I look at guys who look at me and this is not proper for women. I was offended and got quiet. Then he said to stay in relationship that reaction will not work. Out of anger I said that am not dying to be in a relationship with you and that I don’t care. He got angry and dropped me home. Later he told me that he has said yes to a girl introduced to him by his parents since I said I don’t care about relationship. He took it seriously. He said he’s feeling bad about me but his family is pressuring him now. He is not ending things with her. What shall I do now? PS :- I am not ready to marry now, I want to see how things work with him but I love him and can’t stop myself from thinking about him. Please help!

  47. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Sorry to tell you this but he’s messing with your head. He doesn’t love you or want to marry you. A man who wants to marry you wants to talk with you, see you, kiss you etc. This guy won’t even talk on the phone. Block him on FB and move on to meet new men who want to meet who will go on weekly dates. You deserve to be with a man who treats you well and spends time with you. Please value yourself and stop putting up with unacceptable behavior from men like this.

  48. Anonymous

    Hi ,
    I met a guy in college. He proposed me during college days but at that time I rejected this proposal saying I don’t feel the same as I was not sure whether he really likes me or not. He kept proposing me over FB chat till I shared my feeling. But when I shared my feeling that I also like him , he started behaving weird. Sometimes he says he likes me sometime he says we are just friends. He never calls me and chat over FB only. That too not daily. In a week or a month so. Sometimes he ask when are you going to marry . And sometimes I will be depressed. I don’t know how should I react. He never calls me .. he ask for my number several times. But calls once or twice and then switch back to text chat. Pls help

  49. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rena, Of course your confused! Please know I have compassion for you but am gong to be very direct. This guy is using every trick in the book to string you along and you are making it easy. 1) He hinted at going out. Quality men don’t hint – they plainly ask. 2) He said he likes to focus on one woman. That’s another trick to get you to trust him. Men online date multiple women to get to know them and if wanting a relationship -they narrow it down to one woman. But he never even met you! 3) He tells you he travels for work and has to go out of town for 3 months. Some people do travel for work but this is another excuse to see what you will put up with.

    If he was a quality man genuinely interested in you, he wouldn’t tell you he has to travel the next morning. He would have met you before going. Then you did the best thing and stopped texting him- yeah! But then you couldn’t wait longer than 5 days to find out the truth about this guy (that he’d stop texting you) and you texted him. This confirmed for him that you were on the hook and he could continue to string you along.

    Rena, it’s time to build your self worth. Know that any quality man who is genuinely interested will want to meet you within 7 days. They aren’t filled with excuses or give hints. They don’t stop texting for days. Drop this guy and when you meet new men online, stop texting after 7 days if they don’t make time to meet you. If you follow this advice, you’ll actually start going on dates and meeting men rather than hoping some guy will meet you when he gets back from a business trip three months later. Lastly, don’t get attached to a man you’ve never even met. There is a lot of potential for fantasy in texting relationships which is EXACTLY why I recommend avoiding them.

  50. Rena

    I’m confused and want an unbiased opinion. I met a guy online, he initiated the first contact, we messaged consistently for a month, he suggested meeting but then dropped it. He hinted about having a day off and what to do with it, so my friends dared me to suggest meeting up. He said he wanted a phone call first. We talked for an hour, texted a few days, then he sent me a link to a place to visit asking what I thought. I told him it looked like a fun place to visit but we never did meet. I found out later he was hinting to go out but now it’s too late because he’s gone for 3 months. He said he liked to focus on one woman at a time, date see how it goes. I agreed. He told me he traveled for his job, then told me he had to go out of state for 3 months was leaving the next morning. I decided to try to wait and let him text me. 5 days later I hadn’t heard from him so I texted something funny about him forgetting me, and then said, hey I’m interested but I don’t want to be the only one initiating so he thought he’d just drop it. He hoped I knew he wasn’t blowing me off, he wasn’t that kind of guy (and honestly up until he left, he seemed like a really nice normal guy). I don’t know what to think? I’ve never chased men, but I’ve never been interested in someone like him. I’m so confused!

  51. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Denise, Please know I say this with compassion, but you have more than shown your interest. You are actually pursuing him by calling and texting first, especially when he doesn’t respond. Your best next step is to do nothing and move on. If he comes around after a period of radio silence, then you’ll see what happens. So your instincts are spot on and I agree – stop wasting your time on a man who doesn’t respond.

    In the future, sit back and let the man reach out to you first. Then respond to him. That way you won’t feel like you do now. When you wait you will learn about a man’s interest and if its genuine or not.

  52. denise armstrong

    hi Ronnie.. I met this guy online and I no I shouldn’t have slept with him quickly but it happened.. its only been 5 days but he told me I felt like home and I am what he needs in his life. well he sure is not showing it .. if and when we do talk its not for long ,his cousins came down and they went out and he ignored my calls and the next day he apologized.its early day around 7pm and he doesn’t respond back to my text or if I call he wont pick up..i hAVE SHOWN SIGNS of interest but im too old for the B.S. HE is 47 and I am 46 … I think this 5 days have been long enough to see his intentions and which are HE DOESNOT WANT TO Be with me.. he’s just stringing me along ..he told me he doesn’t really date African American women because his ex wife hurt him so he dates Mexican.. well the last Mexican female he dated broke it off at 3mo because he was coming to strong for her and here I am trying to be good to this fool .. 3/16/17 im done

  53. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused, Sounds to me like he is a manipulator and controlling type of personality. Why do you want to be friends with a man, never mind date a guy who disturbs you and acts this way? Seems like he is just boosting his ego or doing some weird stalking thing. I’d stay away and look for better, more mature, well-balanced men to date. This guy is not the one for you – he’s just going to waste your time and get in the way of you finding true love.

  54. Confused

    I have a friend (we’re not dating) who keeps giving me mixed signals. He’ll act jealous when guys are close with me, observes me from far, tries to get close (by talking or joking), disturbs me, always smiling to me, tries to go to places I am going (like when friends ask to go out and asked him, he would say he might or might not make it or he is lazy and might not go, but he ends up going although he is a busy guy with career and job. But he doesn’t ask me out. I don’t get what he wants.

  55. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Missy, When a man tells you he doesn’t want feelings involved or that he is talking to someone else, that’s your chance to walk away and not get started. Not sure why you agreed to be a booty call – don’t you deserve to have a real boyfriend? Now you are in this undefined relationship with a guy who is conflicted about seeing you. That is why you are confused. Interracial dating can work, be fun and exciting. But both parties have to be emotional prepared and willing. If you mostly hang out at his house, he might prefer to keep your time with him secreted away – even though you’ve been out a few times. His pulling away let’s you know he may be losing interest so of course you’re confused. You might be better off making the choice that is best for yo uin the long run – he doesn’t seem like he has true lasting potential as the right man for you.

  56. missy

    I have been seeing this guy for 7 months now..i will admit, it was supposed to be just a “booty call”…and maybe it still is? He told me in the beginning he was talking to someone and had been for awhile but they where not in a relationship, and did not want feelings to get involved. And with that being said he didnt know if i still wanted to “chill” or not. Well of course, i did, and he in the beginning he was living with his mom to help her out so we would me after work a couple of times a week, this rocked on for 2 months then he decided to get a place of his i go there…i havent seen any more post or comments to the girl he was talking to and the he has told his friends about me and he doesn’t sleep with anyone else but me. And we have an agreement that we are not to sleep with anyone else..and he has slipped up to our mutual friends by calling me his girl and baby…in the past..and he has asked me what my family would think if they knew i was dating a black man? and of course i asked him what would his think if his knew that he was dating a white woman? and what his friends thought about him seeing a white girl…he stated, they figured i would end up with a white girl…we have gone out to dinner a couple of times but mostly we hang out at his house…but lately he seems to be pulling away, not texting or calling as much, he says its because he’s tired with working nights and he’s job…i just dont know…i also work nights…i’m so confused

  57. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alice,
    I’m going to kindly say the only thing you can do in a situation like this is learn to value yourself. You say you can’t leave him, but of course you have free will. You are choosing NOT to leave and to suffer over a man who is a cheater. Even if there was a way to make him yours, chances are strong he’d cheat on you with a new woman. That’s who he is.

    Sometimes people get addicted to the person they love. There is a very helpful book called Women who Love Too Much that can be of great help. I say this with kindness – the only healthy choice is to walk away and build your self esteem.

  58. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Terre,
    I’m going to gently suggest you read the article again about what inconsistency means because it absolutely applies to your situation. A man who is inconsistent is not serious – he’s wasting your time or incapable pf relationship. But this man -he’s in a relationship right now. That’s why you don’t go on dates and can’t talk to him on the weekends and after 9 – he’s got another woman! You knew he was a liar from day one when he couldn’t fix your car, and later your washer. He didn’t even show up to fix your porch. I’m so curious why you would even WANT to date a man who is so unreliable? This man continues to waste your time because sweetheart – you let him! Stop texting talking and all communication with this scoundrel and go meet some men who want to date you. Check out this post on texting so you know the rules

  59. Alice

    I’ve been seeing this guy for over 2 years. Started off dating, but he chose to commit to someone else. He kept contacting me so I thought he’d chose me but he hasn’t. He’s still with her. I got love even. He texts me almost every day except weekends and comes to see me several times a month. I know what this is. I know I shouldn’t allow this. But I can’t will away. I’ve tried. Supposedly they’ve been having problems. Is there anything I can do to have him choose me? Be mine? I’ve tried to stay away… played the push and pull for so long. I’m even embarrassed to post this. I would never do this type of thing. I’m not like that. About with him I feel like he was mine and keeps coming back so he must have feelings for me?

  60. Terre

    I met this guy when my car broke down & he stopped on the side of the rode to help me. No help for the car but he waited with us (2 others came to help). He waited with us for AAA for an 1 1/2, talked about church & his large family & how they learned to fix things and he gave me his business card. 2 weeks later I called him to look at my washer. He came the next day. He couldn’t fix washer but agreed to fix my porch. Didn’t come back as he said. Called him weeks later about porch & he told me he wanted to date me. Even asked my daughter if he could date me. Since then, he’s visited at my house & talks about us dating & been giving me “man” advice for my house and car. We started to talk pretty regularly & He now talks sexually to me When we talk but we don’t talk but once daily & conversation is kind of quiet. Sometimes we don’t talk on the weekend & almost never after 9pm. He says he’s just sleep by then but I’ve never been to his house after 3 months now. Can’t tell if he really likes me & I fee/fear something else. Why does he continue to text each morning then act so distant & us not go on an actual date?

  61. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    As I explained in the post on mixed signals, NO he’s NOT serious. A man who is serious wants to spend time with you every week or more. Three dates in 8 months – that’s not even once a month. You are totally letting this man waste your time. Who cares when he texts? The only thing that matters is that he makes time to see you which he does not. I know this sounds harsh but it’s the truth – he’s NOT serious about dating, finding love or you. Clearly romance is not his priority.

  62. Talia

    So I met this guy 8 months ago,and since then we’ve gone for only three dates because he says he’s very busy.I really like him,he is a nice person but the ‘busy’ part is really bothering me.
    He does travel out a lot because of the nature of his job,should I consider this? He always tells me when he’s flying out and promises that he’ll create time for us.
    So I stopped texting him because I thought he’s playing games with me .But then he texts like after a week ,he always does, saying that he’s back and he’d like to see me and that he misses me.I’m confused.
    Is he serious about me or should I just move on?

  63. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Chloe,

    You may not like my answer but you are thinking too long and hard about a man you never met. Doesn’t matter how new he is to online dating, he knows how things work. You are bummed because he seemed stable and serious but you don’t really know if that’s even true about him. The best thing you can do is move on ad I strongly urge you not to get attached to men who you have met. No matter how great someone’s texts are or even on the phone – you need several dates in person to qualify a man as having potential. Check out this post about men and texting – I think it will help.

  64. Chloe Brown

    I want to ask you about the early stages of internet dating. I have been online for quite a while, and met only creeps-certainly not relationship material. Two weeks ago a guy favourited me – we had started messaging we really clicked. He seemed serious, sincere and stable with a very responsible job. 6 days ago he messaged me a long, nice message which ended with the suggestion for a phone call or coffee.

    I am afraid I blew it. Rather than commenting on all he said, I wrote back that I really thought we should talk on the phone first.For five days, although he reads my messages, he has been silent. He is new to internet dating so he may not realise this is often used as a signal of “good bye”. We had such a good rapport I am tempted to send a light hearted message like, “just noticed you have not replied”. The whole situation is really bothering me and I think if he replies negatively to my question I would at least KNOW and could move on. It is very disappointing as he was the first intelligent, apparently stable and serious guy I have met on ID. I am not into mind games. What should I do?

  65. Amber

    Thank you Ronnie. I’ve never given anyone an ultimatum because I was always told men especially don’t like a woman who does that. I never tell him where he can go, what to do or give him a curfew but he does however put limitations on me. I love to dance and I’m not allowed to go dancing with my girlfriends. He loves to hunt and fish and I never say a word. I carry the household, pay all the bills, cook and clean and work 3 jobs plus raise my 3 boys. I ask for nothing but I feel like I need to start. I’m tired of waiting on him hand and foot. Hell I even still fix his plate before anyone elses. Get him seconds and refills. What’s wrong with me.

  66. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amber,
    I’m sad to answer your question by saying who you are is the woman he takes for granted and advantage of. You support him through health issues and he only refers to you as a fiance when it suits him publicly? that’s terrible!

    It’s a new year and a time to rethink this relationship. Did you know your emotional support is a privilege? Why does this man deserve it? Do you feel this relationship is well balanced?

    Have the self confidence to know you deserve that life-long commitment. My advice is to let him know if there’s no ring and plans of marriage in the 3 months (you decide – 3 months or more? Don’t put if off too long) you’ll be moving on to find a man who values you as the superb life partner you are. Don’t say another word about it unless he wants t talk about it.

    If he’s a good man ready for commitment, he’ll ask you to marry him. If not, be prepared to move on. If you cannot carry through, don’t bother with this ultimatum. You have to be willing to let things go the course – to become his fiance for real or be free to find a better man.

  67. Amber

    I have been with a man 4 years younger then me for 14 months. We live together and are committed. He has never been married and has no children. He does have some health problems so we do spend time at different hospitals and doctors. He often refers to me as his fiancé when it’s important it seems. Sometimes he calls me wifey or sends me emojis of a church or ring. But when I bring it up in private he changes the subject and gets angry. I’ve showed him rings I like, which were very inexpensive, just to let him know I do want a marriage. After all, I feel like her made the first jump. So now what? I can’t bet his girlfriend one minute, fiance the next and then a wifey.
    What am I

  68. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Christi,
    I hate to tell you this but he is playing with you like a cat with a mouse. You paying attention to someone else so that’s when he wants you. It’s important to realize that anything he texts is just words, nothing more. He has no intention to make you his girlfriend. He will never come around and want a relationship – if he wanted that – you’d already be in it.

    You say you don’t want to like him but do as if you have no power over this. But you do! Stop texting and all contact. It’s the only way your heart can heal. Ask yourself why you would like a man who is mean and plays with your heart? There maybe other things you like but he is a whole person – good and bad. Focus on the mean-spirited part of him and it will be easier to let go.

  69. christi

    My crush who says he doesn’t like me, saw me getting close with another guy. So he texted me and acted all flirtatious. He asked me, “Oh i bet you wish you were close with me instead of him.” So I said, “Yeah I guess so but that’s not gonna happen so whatever.” Then he writes this long paragraph telling me how I should talk to him in person more and all that nice stuff that makes me fall head over heels. Next he asked if I want to hang out over the weekend. And the next day he hugged me like 5 times and we had a long conversation! The day after that we talked and he hugged me a few times and then today he started telling people bad stuff about me like, “I only asked her to hang out because I feel bad for her.” I didn’t even tell my friends that we were hanging out since I was afraid of messing it up. Today I addressed him and he got mad at me. I don’t wanna like him but I do. Ronnie, what should I do?

  70. Faye

    Hi Ronnie,
    Here is a mystery I’m writing you about. I have lived next door to this guy for 5 years. We have talked in person about 3 times and about 6 months ago we saw each other in each others yards and we waved at each other ( we were about 40 feet away from each other). He seemed receptive to me. About 2 months ago, I got an email from this guy on facebook ( I will call him Trent) and he asked me in the email if I would be interested in going out to dinner. I thought it would be a good idea cause I thought he was a good neighbor and a good guy. I agreed to go out to dinner with him. I suggested we meet at this local restaurant about 10 minutes from where we lived because I was worried about riding in the truck with him since it was our first date. When I went to the restaurant to meet him he showed and got out of his truck and he didn’t crack a smile the first time. I said hey to him but he did not say hey to me. So I was kind of puzzled. After this, I went into the restaurant and he walked in there with me. He did ask me how my day was and I asked him how his day was. When we sat down, I noticed that he just looked so miserable, so disappointed, and so displeased. He had this attitude and look on him the whole time we sat there and ate dinner together(for an hour and 30 minutes). So Im thinking to myself why did this guy bother to look me up on facebook and ask me out to dinner and then he look so miserable. I tried to strike up conversations with him and he talked back but it still bothered me the whole time when he was looking that way. At one point, I saw somebody I knew walk behind him and that person waved at me and I waved back at them. Trent didn’t even turn around to look and see who I was waving at, nor did he ask me who I was waving at. Trent sent me a text that night and said in the text he hoped he wasn’t too boring and I told him he wasn’t. The next day he asked me out to lunch and I met up with him and ate lunch with him. He texted me for 2 weeks after that and then he just stopped texting. There were no other dates after the second date. My question is this : Why would Trent have had such a miserable, disappointed, displeased look on his face when he had already seen me in person 3 times in the last 5 years, not to mention that 6 months earlier he had seen me in the yard and waved at me? I am the same weight I was 6 months ago and I am the same weight I was within the last 5 years. Those 3 times I talked to Trent in person he was friendly and cordial and he didn’t seem miserable. Trent took the effort to email me on facebook and ask me to dinner but it was almost as if when he got there and saw me he regretted asking me to dinner. The whole thing don’t make sense. Ronnie, what is your thoughts on this whole situation? Trent already knew what I looked like before we went out to dinner that day.

  71. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Deena, Online, before you meet, reach out to any guy you want. This isn’t leading – it’s being friendly! After that – its best to wait. You can do it once to say hi if you don’t hear from a guy. Once you start dating, I would wait until the 4th date before initiating anything. You want to know a man is interested so you need to see some consistency in his pursuit of you. Otherwise you might look like you are chasing him. Men do not like that. Read this post – it will help you understand more about this.

  72. Deema

    Hi Ronnie,

    I do agree with you about letting the man lead the relationship and let him come to you…but sometimes its confusing. When shall I initiate contact so he understands that I’m into him, especially in the very early stages before we even talk about dating? As I understand some guys can be shy. How can I create a balance? Thanks in advance 🙂

  73. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Faye – there’s no way to know what his motivation is and frankly it doesn’t matter. He’s playing a game with your head – that’s what matters. He’s not a nice guy. That’s how you simplify understanding men – you only look at how a man treats you, not what he says. Talk is cheap and his actions say everything. He’s not interested except to play head games. Moving on is your only solution unless you want more confusion and heartache.

  74. Faye

    after he had sent that text telling me he guesses I don’t want to hang out or talk anymore we texted for the next 5 days. One day it was non stop texting for 3 hours and then another day we texted nonstop for 4 hours. I was talking about how fun bowling was whenever I go bowling and he even said ” we should go one day” which made me feel he did want to see me until I suggested we see a movie that weekend. If he wanted to end things with me why would he have sent me a message saying he thought I didn’t want to talk or hang out anymore when it had been 3 days since I sent the last text message and I hadn’t sent a second one. If he wanted to end things I would have thought he would not have bothered to send that message. Or could it be he wanted me to chase after him?

  75. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Faye,
    Wow that guy is a master game player! That was a crummy move to say you must not be interested. Maybe that’s his trick to end things. Who knows for sure but that is odd. I understand why you feel badly and I can help for the future. Next time a man says it’s up to you, tell him, “I’m old fashioned and never ask men out. Our next date is up to you.” Flip it right back to the man and leave that ball in his court. If he wants to see you he knows what to do. And if he’s playing a game, hopefully he’ll drop the ball and leave you alone.

    The only other time it’s OK to ask a man out is if you met online or through a dating app and have been texting for a week without meeting. To get him to meet, invite him to get a cup of coffee/glass of wine to do a chemistry check. This is considered Date Zero and not a real date. If he wants to see you again, he will ask you out. Never ask the same man out twice! Sometimes the man disappears when you ask to meet because he never had any intention to meet you, but at least you won’t be wasting more time with texting him. If a man doesn’t agree to meet, move on immediately and stop texting. Better men are out there so keep going.

  76. faye

    Hi Ronnie,

    I had 2 good dates with this guy. After the second date we texted some and then 3 days went by and I didn’t hear from him. The third day he sent a text saying he hadn’t heard from me in days and guessed I didn’t want to talk or hang out anymore. But I sent the last text to him. I told him that via text. And he texted me, “let me know when you want to do something”. So I figured he was game for a third date. We texted a lot over the next 5 days and I told him that I was available the next weekend and suggested a movie. However, he didn’t respond with yes or no to my suggestion. He started talking about something else that happened. So I assumed that he wasn’t game for me and him to go to a movie that weekend. My thing is, when he told me to let him know when I wanted to do something, that’s why I initiated a third date. After he didn’t agree, I felt stupid for trying. If he didn’t want a third date why did he say I should let him know when I want to do something? So what do I do in the future when I go out with a man and the date goes well and he tells me let me know when I want to do something? I feel that’s the only time its OK to ask a man out. Please give me advice. Thanks.

  77. Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

    Hey Nina, – he knows that already so why say it? There’s nothing to say once a man starts avoiding you. If he wants to be with you, he’s knows how to do that. To tell him directly after 4 dates that you want him in your life sounds very permanent and threatening to a man – its the same as chasing him. Why give him that power over you? Move on now with dignity while you still can.

  78. Nina

    Thank you but can you give me an advice on how to tell him on what’s going on or just basically stop texting and don’t even ask him? I was thinking on telling him that I want him in my life and that I don’t play games or chase so if he wants me in my life then he knows what to do… Too harsh? 🙂

  79. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nina,
    Your instincts are good and I agree something has changed. His ex in back in his life as you noticed on Facebook. Now he is distancing himself from you showing you he is NOT the one. His words of wanting you mean nothing if he doesn’t make time to see you. Being too sore to text you upon his return? Seriously? But keep in mind you had only had 4 dates. That doesn’t put you into the relationship category. So move on and find a guy who is closer to home. He can’t be the one if he’s already creating distance after just 4 dates. The right man doesn’t do that – he makes time for you and wants to see you.

  80. Nina


    I met this guy from online dating and saw each other four times. He lives four hours away and he recently broke up with his girlfriend. He was constantly texting and calling me and saying all the right things. Since he saw me last time he started to text me less and I felt something was off. Now I see that he re added his ex on Facebook. He is currently visiting his sister out of state and he was on a three day backpacking trip where he had no reception. He came back yesterday and I saw that he was online on Facebook but didn’t text me. I texted him today asking what is going on and he said that he was sore and now he has his phone charged. I was supposed to go and visit him next week and when I asked if he still wanted to see me he said he does but be might be out of city for work. I am very confused, my mind says he is not into me anymore but I just don’t understand what has changed since we saw each other last time. He kept saying how his ex is not the right one and how he likes and wants to see me. What do you think? I really like him and I believe he is the one but I don’t know if I should confront him or just let him go. I know that if he really liked me he would have called or texted me instead of blaming his phone.

  81. Miss over analyzing

    Thank you for the reply! He did reach out today to chat.. I will continue to let him lead.

  82. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Miss, I recommend letting the man lead just like in ballroom dancing for the first 4-6 dates at least. That way you know how long it takes for him to get in touch and ask you out. When you initiate, you learn nothing. Just because he agrees to see you doesn’t mean he is seriously interested. He may just be going along for the ride.

    So YES! stop texting and asking him out. Wait to see what he’ll do all on his own to see you. That’s how you’ll discover if he was spending time with you because it was something to do or if he is genuinely interested. In the future, you might not want to spend the night UNTIL YOU KNOW a man is genuinely interested. It makes it a lot easier on your emotions since you won’t get as emotionally invested in the man.

  83. Miss over analyzing

    Hello- Just came across your site and would love some feedback 🙂

    Met a guy through a friend at a club 2 weeks ago.. I am 31 he’s 26. That same night he asked me out to dinner the next day. We went, had a great date, spent the night but no sex. He texted me the day after asking how my day went etc. He also would constantly respond to my snapchat story. I texted him a few days later stating we should get together when i get back from Miami he said definitely for sure. That following weekend I went to Miami and I texted him once just to say hello. we talked for a bit. I returned last week and I reached out to him again to say hello and we talked for a while and he said we should go out for wine. I agreed and we went out last night. I spent the night again but I still held off because I like him. We had a great date, laughed, he fed me spaghetti lol and asked me about my hobbies, family etc I noticed the last few times I had to initiate. Should I stop texting? Not sure if he’s into me.

  84. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah, Here’s how I see the situation. First, yes you are thinking too much about him after just one date. Second, I would like you to seriously think about your safety. You meet a guy on a dating app, let him pick you up (so he knows where you live!) and go to his home? Lucky for you he was just a guy and not a crazy but you need to protect yourself. Meet in public places only and don’t tell a man your last name, where you live or work until you can start to trust him – like after a few dates. I’m worried for you.

    Third, when a man offers to cook you dinner, he is looking for sex and he got it. So it doesn’t surprise me that he pulled away within a week.

    Last he says his life has so much going on. Maybe that’s true and if so, that would make him emotionally, mentally or physically unavailable. On the other hand these are great excuses that men rely on to push a woman away. “Oh my job is crazy, I work all the time, I have no child care, blah blah blah.” Perfect excuses to let you know he’s done. He had his romantic time with you and now back to his life.

    Even though we don’t know if his excuses are real or he just wanted a fling, I can tell you this is not going anywhere. If you do see him again, in the long run he will not provide lasting love. Either he’s not ready because his life is crazy or he doesn’t even want that. Next time you meet a guy, have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine for 90-minutes, then leave. Let things progress slowly and put the brakes on hopping into bed. You can’t lose when you go more slowly but you can save yourself from this kind of confusion and heartbreak that comes from jumping in before you know anything about a man.

  85. sarah

    I met this guy on a dating app we really connected talked on the phone for like a week before we got together to meet. But he picked me up and everything it was great he cooked me dinner at his place we talked had a really great connection!! Normally something I don’t do we slept together but we were both really into it. We both have a kid and have full custody and his situation is way worse than mine with baby mama drama. She’s just recently came back but she (his ex) is really messed up. He works all the time. After our date he was really trying to talk and text and everything then it was like nothing for over a week. Last time I talked to him he was dealing he was dealing with his daughter’s birthday and helping his mom move. He might allow his ex to watch his daughter and give him a break. This has all been within a month but after the first week of our first date he’s pulled back a lot and I just found out all this from him the other day so!! Am I just thinking too much about this or what? And he doesn’t like any on FB? Supposedly if he can were gonna get together this weekend but I don’t know. what’s your opinion?I thanks!!

  86. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sylvia, You played a game with this guy and now you lost. I’m not sure why you played this game if you liked him. It seems in an effort to protect yourself, you pushed him away. I’m not sure this is fixable. But I guess you could always try being friendly and normal and see if that recaptures his interest.

    I think you should spend some time thinking about what you want. I’m not sure you do want this man but he became attractive once unavailable to you. Get clear about what you want. Do you even want to date? Do you like this man? Can you trust him? Does he respond to your friendliness? If not are you willing to meet other men to find love? Get clear about what you want first before you do anything – that’s my best dating advice for you.

  87. Sylvia

    I live near a guy who came on strong when he first saw me. That made me distrust him. Much later he relaxed his chase and we became friends. He confides in me and seeks my opinion about decisions he’s making and even introduced me to his close friends. He even buys me gifts occasionally. but I never gave him a chance to ask me out cos I’m deliberately kept a safe distance from him.

    Recently I noticed he was showing interest in a new lady who just moved to our street. That’s when I realized I had feelings for him. I think he noticed I like him because I noticed he started avoiding the other lady. I was a bit jealous and kept my distance. I stopped coming home early and deliberately avoided seeing him. Finally, I traveled without telling him. When I returned he was distant and a week later he introduced me the other woman as his friend. I asked if he meant girlfriend and he said yes.

    I feel I have sent him off to another woman’s hands. But I noticed he did that to get back at me because when I pretended I was cool about it he seemed visibly angry and will not even talk to me as before.
    I’m confused. Please advise me – I don’t know what to do.

  88. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tina,
    I’m sorry to say this but your guy is a lying cheater. Now you’re roped in and he’s not interested. There isn’t one thing you can do to turn this around, nor should you. Let this married cheater find solace in another woman’s arms.

    Love is not enough to have a loving, healthy relationship. You need two people who are willing to commit and make things work. Right now your situation is one-sided. What is he adding to your life but heartache? It’s time for you to let go, get over him and move on to better men who are single and emotionally available. This guy is neither.

  89. Tina

    I met a guy at work. He pursued me for 3 years. He told me he was unhappily married. I told him to make his marriage work for his kids. A new lady started working where we work and he showed interest in her so I then realized how much I cared for him. I was so hurt couldn’t sleep or eat. I thought I was in love. I expressed my feelings and we later became intimate. Now hes withdrawn doesn’t show interest the way he once did. He plays mind games and when I ignore him he comes on strong but when I’m attentive hes cold and withdrawn. I care deeply for him. What should I do.

  90. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tira,
    I’m so sorry to tell you this but you cannot make a man love you or treat you right. The only thing you can do is love and respect yourself enough to leave the situation. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear but it is the truth. When a man says you don’t have what he wants in a woman, he is clearly stating you are not the woman for him. It doesn’t mean you are not good enough, but that you are not a good match. That’s not the same thing at all so don’t think you aren’t good enough – that is not true. Mixed signals let you know that there is something not right in a relationship.

    Here’s another angle on what it does mean- he’s NOT the right man for YOU. If he was, he’d love you for who you are. Sadly that is not the case. The best thing you can do is let go and move on. Heal from this emotionally tough situation with time. Then when you are ready, find a new and better man.

  91. Tira

    Hi Ronnie, I’ve been dating this guy for almost six months. In the beginning we had this magnetic energy and and chemistry that instantly drew us together. About a month after we met, we started becoming intimate, and shortly after I became pregnant. Before discovering that I was pregnant, I discovered that he had a 3 year old child from a previous relationship that didn’t end well. He has told me that he still suffers from the pain of that relationship because the mother of his child doesn’t allow him to see his son. After informing him of my pregnancy, we decided that it was not the best time to have a child due to his previous situation, and also because I am a senior in college . I then learned that I was expecting two, which at first altered that decision. About 3 and 1/2 months into my pregnancy, and after built up stress and frustration from many arguments, and him walking away, I made a hard decision to end my pregnancy. After not communication for 1week after ending the pregnancy, we started back communicating. It felt as if everything with us was getting better, but after a week later the small arguments started reoccurring. He stopped being intimate and affectionate towards me and started making comments about all of the qualities that he wanted in a woman that I lacked, and saying that I will never be who or what he wants me to be. Those comments hurt me because they are coming for someone that I felt strongly for, which made me feel as if I am not enough. It seems as if he has become cold and it almost feels as if he has interest in someone else and his feelings for me has changed. I’ve spent time trying to get things back to where they were, and to get back that magnetic chemistry that we once had because I’ve grown to love and care about him.

  92. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cass, I know this is going to be really hard to hear, but you must want to know the truth if you reached out to me for answers. This man is NOT you boyfriend. You feel emotionally attached, but a virtual relationship is not genuine. You haven’t skyped with him in 5 months and he doesn’t keep promises so I can see why you don’t trust him. I am going to validate your fears. This guy is most likely a scammer. He can’t show you his face because it doesn’t match his photo. I don’t know why people do this and that doesn’t matter. The important thing is you know he’s not trust worthy so LISTEN TO YOURSELF. The second thing is look for a local boyfriend. No more FB romance – go for the real thing in person. I can’t promise you’ll only meet honest men, but if you listen to yourself, you will probably be fine.

  93. Cass

    Hi Ronnie, I really need your advice at my situation to my long distance boyfriend. I met him on facebook and we’ve been in a relationship for 5 months now but we never met in person yet. He texted me everyday before and after work but doesn’t put much effort to our conversation, calls me at least once a week and he keeps on saying that he love me very much. We are both very eager to meet in person but we can’t do it yet because of our work schedule. He’s very open about his life and personal backgrounds, he told me almost everything about him. But I am not 100% sure if he’s telling the truth since we haven’t met in person yet and I do not know if it’s just me or what that I have a trust issue and I cannot trust him with all of my heart. He keeps on saying that I should trust him cause there’s really no other woman in his life but me. But no matter what he say, I’ll always have doubts about his feelings for me. I sometimes feel his love and care and sincerity for me but my problem is he keeps on breaking his promises. Sometimes promised me to have a date on skype but he didn’t came, promised to call but didn’t happened, promised to send me flowers during our monthsaries but didn’t arrived, promise of gifts but wasn’t came (I am not a materialistic person but he promised so I expected). What should I do, Ronnie? Does he really love me? Or just keeping me around though he’s not so into me?

  94. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Yare, I”m not sure what you are asking but any man over time who doesn’t reveal anything to keep you guessing is not emotionally available. IN addition, if it’s been more than a few weeks, he probably has something to hide, like a wife and family. If he plays too many games and has your head spinning, walk away. He’s not the only one, there are more men out there. Let go and move on.

  95. Yare

    One important fact is that he does not share a lot of things about his personal life. No mention of his daughter’s mother other than he does not live with her. So ladies beware if a man is not sharing personal stuff with you , simple personal stuff. I have no idea why they broke off or anything. I don’t even know his last name. Last time we were out he mentioned something to the effect that he is reserved and doesn’t expose nothing of himself and that way he keeps me wondering. I asked after if that was a game. He then said no that it was just the way he was. This guy play too many games, I’m too old for it and it’s too much work to figure him out. He has my head spinning, now he is ignoring for no what I feel is no reason at all

  96. Stephanie

    Have LD relationship with a guy I met online. He was going through a divorce when we first met. We texted regularly and saw me twice when he came into town to see family. Both times it was a movie and then back to his hotel for sex. During the 2 year relationship he says very sweet words, that we will be together one day, wants to spend time and get to know each other, he loves me, looking forward to me being his wife, more sure every day that we are going to be a couple, says I am perfect for him.

    Some concerns came up for me. We were talking on the phone for the first 3 months and then he never bothered to call anymore. When I asked him the reason, he said there was not an opportune time. Sounds like a BS answer to me. All during the relationship he would regularly disappear for 2-3 days at a time, come back and not say what he had been doing. When asked, all he ever usually said was sleeping, working, or fighting a cold.

    to see how I responded to this post visit

  97. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Aphrodite,
    So you know he’s a narcissist, so nothing after that should surprise you. It’s all about him just like you said. You made two mistakes: 1) when a man let’s the communication dwindle, especially overnight like that, in your mind say, “Bye bye.” Don’t bother to start things up again. If he doesn’t have the interest to keep it going – you don’t want him. A man like that will always break your heart and leave you wanting.

    2) Never help a man get over his ex. That means he’s not emotionally available to date you. Run when a man is still talking about his ex because he’s not ready for you and can’t give you his all. Forget this guy. Learn from your mistakes and to recognize the signs of a narcissist so you never have to go through that again. Thanks for sharing your story – I’m sure many women will be helped by your comment.

  98. Aphrodite

    I met a guy like this and unfortunately he turned out to be a sociopath/NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) I should have known. Real charmer when he wanted something then cold distant. When I met him for the first time, he admitted he was Madly in love with me that he fell in love with me on Facebook. He’s never felt like this about anyone before. I was crazy about him too – he was EXACTLY my type to the last hair on his body.

    I would buy him things here and there and he would never bother reciprocating anything back, He would message me everyday GOOD MORNING! how are you talk for hours throughout the day even during his work schedule. Then it would slow down so I would have to initiate the contact. Then nothing from him for hours or maybe days. OVER NIGHT he switched. Then he told me about his ex girlfriend and the blow outs they’d have and how I helped him through it. This has left me drained and sad.

  99. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Merce,
    You might not want to hear this but I think you are in the one in denial. He has been clear with you he doesn’t want a relationship, yet you hang in there and spend all your time with him. This is a dead end. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. It’s time to wake up and move on. How long will you wait to see if he changes because I can tell you right now with all certainty – he is not going to change his mind. Stop accepting his relationship crumbs and go out to find a man who wants to be in the full, loving relationship you desire. This man is wasting your time and will break your heart. He’s not the right man for you no matter how much it seems he is because he cannot or will not give you the loving relationship you clearly want.

  100. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mel, I know this stinks but the truth is flirting is fun but meaningless. When a man doesn’t ask you out, there’s a reason. If he wanted to date you he would have done so. Don’t try to figure out why he did this, just understand how you want to be treated. Do you want to be lead on by a man who never takes flirting to the next step? I doubt it. Move on and in the future, feel free to enjoy flirting but don’t give it any meaning. Read this post for an in-depth look at men and flirting.

  101. Mel

    I have a rather odd situation to discuss. I am legally separated as of Aug 2015. I work in a small office. There was a very shy guy at work who for 3.5 months would always stare, watch me, linger in the office or intentionally come in to my office. He would get visibly jealous if i talked to another man in the office. He was always in close proximity to me whenever possible and always very protective and defend me against any negative talk ( im a bit shy myself). I was transferred in December, but before I left I made him cookies and thanked him for being awesome.. A few days ago (in Jan 2016) i got the courage up to ask him out by text since we dont work together anymore. He said no…After 3 months of flirting and him acting like we were together, he said no. Please tell me what I did wrong?


  102. MERCE

    Ive known this guy for 4 years…in the beginning it was based of sex. He was sleeping with several woman I’m sure. We remained cool with each other and lost contact. He had a relationship. About 6 months ago we started talking again. We have spent 6 months together almost every day. He sent a lot of mixed signals. We were in a relationship without claiming we were. He would cuddle me, kiss my cheeks and forehead, but never once kissed on the lips. We had sex occasionally. At times he said “I treat you like my girlfriend” but once I opened up to him about how I felt, he told me to get rid of these feelings. So I came to terms with just being close friends and the cuddling and sex stopped. But I spend every day over there, sleep in the same bed, cook for each other dinner, talk, watch movies etc. He has made it clear we are not going to be together. I don’t know if he is in denial or what? I’m so confused? What do you think?

  103. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lou,
    It’s time to turn the tables and look at this from a more empowering viewpoint. What does this guy have that you want? He offers bedroom issues and a disappearing act. Are either of these things attractive to you?

    Here’s how I think you should respond – DON’T! Not so much because of his sexual performance but because he is inconsistent. He wants a “cuddle monkey” [his words] when he feels like it.He’s not offering you true love or a lasting relationship. When a man is inconsistent, it means that something isn’t right – he doesn’t want a relationship, doesn’t know what he wants or knows you are not the one for him. None of these situations is right for you.

    When you evaluate the men you date as being potentially good long term partners, you want a guy who pursues you consistently, not only by phone or text but for live dates out in public. You want a man who wants to be with you, who treats you well and respects you. Not some guy who jumps in and out of your life at HIS whim. Let this guy go – he’s not the one for you. Then vow to only date men who you enjoy AND pursue you consistently.

  104. Lou

    Hi Ronnie
    I was dating a guy I met on match, he is 52, 12 yrs older than myself.
    He was very interested when we first met, came on strong then his interest faded. He disappeared then reappeared. He started off with the phone calls then went to text. He is regularly online. I have not chased him at all and he’s cone back to me after several weeks of radio silence. We were briefly intimate and it was obvious he has performance/ and is genitally challenged. I thought perhaps that was what was holding him back.
    He has never said he doesn’t want a relationship and said he’d love a cuddle monkey. When we met we have a nice time together but he then goes super quiet for weeks after and when he does reach out it’s probably just a hi.
    How can I respond next time he does this as I feel I’ve been patient enough. I’ve known him 6mths

  105. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Confused,
    There are several problems with this situation. First, I recommend never dating a man who is not divorced because they are not healed from their marriage and not ready to commit. Second he told you he wasn’t ready to commit. When he said, let’s see where it leads, he really meant, hang out with me for now but I’m not promising anything. So, you helped him through his divorce emotionally hoping for love. Often this trade doesn’t end well as once men are free, divorced and healed, they tend to move on to the next woman. Planning the dates didn’t work in your favor either since now you can see he’s pulled back and not keeping promises.

    I know this is difficult, but the ugly truth is, he’s not going to suddenly be ready for a relationship with you. Signs show he’s ready to move on. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let him go and move on yourself. Next time, only date a man who is divorced for at least a year. Let the men plan the dates and pursue you. Then you are less likely to end up with lazy men who aren’t really interested but are willing to go for the ride.

    Wishing you love,

  106. confused

    Hi ronnie,

    So I’ve been dating this guy who I’ve know. For years and we have had this attraction for awhile. We started talking to each other in April it had been 9 mths since I dated anyone because of prior relationship. We agreed to date and did we would see each other 2-3 times a week. He was going through divorce but had separated from her for a awhile. He knows everything about my past relationship for he watched it tear me apart we were good friends for awhile. I told him if we were going to date of he would please tell me at any point when he wasn’t feeling this anymore so I could just go and not get emotionally invested he agreed . He told me when we decided to start dating that because of his divorce and everything going on he can’t give his all to a relationship but he wanted to date and see where it lead. He told me the first of the year which is just around the corner he should have everything done. So I’ve seen divorce papers and asked him if it’s going through and he said yes . But now 9 mths later I feel like he’s pulling away idk he used to text me and respond to my text but they have slowed down I see him once a week alone in I’m lucky . He reassured me 2 weeks ago divorce was getting done and he wants to be able to go out and meet my friends and me with his but then why doesn’t he make an effort to reach out to me or spend more time with me . Is it because I took on the role of planning always dates cause I’m just like that . I’m confused and up to my neck in it . What do I do what should I do

  107. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nicole, texting is sort of a waste of time but it is something that people expect immediacy. Maybe he got insecure because you didn’t respond. I don’t recommend a lot of texting before or after meeting anyway. Texting should be a supplement to phone calls, not take over. Now you haven’t even met this guy and you are worried he’s playing games. Why don’t you just meet him. He doesn’t owe you anything just because he texted often to start and that doesn’t mean anything anyway – see my post on texting Don’t over analyze – go meet him and see what he is like.

  108. Nicole

    Hi there!
    I met this guy on eharmony, for the first few days he was texting me first and I would wake up to a message from him but now he hardly ever texts me first. He always replies to my message and is always pleasant but we are supposed to go on a date next week and now I’m second guessing it. He started getting distant when I was hunting one weekend and I couldn’t text him back right away but I did eventually text back. What is going on?!? I don’t want tear games and this guy is an older guy and doesn’t seem like the “player” type, he did mention that his ex wife left him for another man give I thought was nice of him to trust me with that.

  109. lime88

    Thank you. Today is actually the 2nd day that i held myself not communicating with him since i find it hard to understand why. i have to assess myself then and enjoy solitude for now. what hurts is getting so close with him and being happy and open when we are together. It hurts and I’m sad.

  110. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lime88 – when a man pulls back over time and doesn’t communicate between dates, he is letting you know where you stand – at the bottom of his list. He’s not a bad person, but he’s not serious about you. He’ll never be the type who asks how you are doing or stays in touch. So pulling away won’t bring him to you either. My dating advice is to drop him. A man who is serious about love and a relationship will pursue you, want to get to know you and spend time with you.

    I understand that being a single mom is highly taxing. But any healthy relationship requires time and effort to nurture it and keep it growing. There are no short cuts. If you want lasting love, you might hold off until you have time or decide love is a priority and make time. I’m sorry to say that dating a non-communicative man because it fits into your schedule will never turn into a loving relationship. Choose the men you do date wisely.

  111. lime88

    i am a single mom dating a very successful guy for 5 months now. first few months we met every week and communication was through texting only to plan for dates. aside from that i do not get any messages which is ok since i am very busy but sometimes i yearn for a simple “how are you doing?”. after 2 month our dates became every two weeks and he does not communicate with me within those period. it did not bother me since he told me he does not text everyday or whatsoever. on my birthday he gave me a jewelry and a card with his name signed with love. After that i have not heard from him for almost 3 weeks. Just recently he dated me on a special place but he poured all his worries being depressed and problems just piling up. I accept that every person has their own baggages and tried my best to be with him even from far, so i took initiative to call and text him but i barely heard anything. The last time i went to his place it was a mess and it looked like there was a party that’s why he cancelled me last weekend. Would i keep dancing with this persons character or just not communicate until he initiates it first?

  112. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Molly,
    I’m not sure why you are confused. Your situation has all the same qualities of the other posts. But, on top of that, you didn’t reciprocate and were being prudent not to start something long distance – which makes sense.And you say you don’t share his feelings. So why do you care what he does? Let go and stop engaging in his meaningless flirtations. Don’t try to keep something going where nothing exists.

    If you are wondering why he flirts with you on and off, read this post The bottom line is when a man flirts with you, it’s fun, but meaningless.

  113. Molly

    Hey Ronnie! 🙂

    Question! So I met a guy a few at the beginning of August while doing charity work aboard. We spent one week together in same community. By the end of the trip it was very clear that he had romantic intentions; feelings I did not reciprocate. Because we live states apart we talked and called each other a lot throughout August until by September I would hear from him only once a week, and then none at all. I never rejected his advances, but I also couldn’t return them. Not only were feelings not present for then but I also know it would be imprudent to start something with him at this point in our lives. So now he doesn’t initiate any sort of contact. I texted him asking how he was last week and it was a good conversation. I just don’t understand… every time I talk to him he drops really flirtations comments, and makes me thinks that he honestly cares for me but he never seeks me out… What am I to make of the situation?

  114. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ashley,

    I think your guy has issues. He uses his child to get things started again, sends you photos and videos. That is not good for the child or you. You can’t be his mama until you have a solid relationship. Now he’s holding back for spite, making you pay for how you resisted him over the years. And he’s exhibiting jealous behavior based on nothing if you really haven’t been dating others. I can see why you are confused and I find this very troubling.

    This is not true love – this is unhealthy psychological games. I’m not sure what he has to offer you besides a lack of maturity and mean-spirited behavior. My dating advice is to honor your original instincts about this man and steer clear. I’m sorry to say I think he will only bring your drama and heartbreak. There have got to be better, healthier men out there!

  115. Ashley 101

    Hello Ronnie,

    I’ve known this guy for years who had a crush on me. He was wild and not the type of guy to be with one girl. He was close to my family and would do anything to say hi. Recently he has completely changed his behavior -no longer wild, goes to church and leads bible studies and is a great father.

    He wanted to be my boyfriend for years but I kept my distance until the other day. He came up to me and handed me his kid and said, “This is gonna be your new mama.” I took it as a joke and we talked, then he asked for my number and called the next night wanting to come over. He did and we talked for hours. He said for 11 yrs I have been his heart throb but would not give him the chance.

    We text or call everyday now and he sends me pictures and videos of his child. Then I noticed a change that I was texting first. I asked him why. He said, The roles have changed – he chased me for so long now it’s my turn.” I got upset. He said things faded over time just like me giving him a chance now will fade. He says he is mirroring me and learning my ways.

    We have seen each other a few more times and he say things like, “I bet you have a lot of guys stopping by” but its not true. I don’t understand why a person that liked me for so long now is having me reach out first. Can you make any sense of this? Thanks

  116. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sasha,

    Sounds to me like Mr. Crush is honoring his engagement which is a true commitment. He enjoys flirting with you, but that doesn’t mean anything serous. Read this post about flirting for more info. Don’t worry about how hurt he is at not having you. He could make that choice, but he hasn’t. He’s sticking with his fiance.

    So my dating advice is to move on and forget him. When you think about it, do you really want to take a man away from his committed love? That’s not great karma and I have found a man who does that will likely do that to you as well as he finds the next woman. There are better men out there looking for a committed relationship. Go out to meet men and find others to date and forget about Mr. Crush – he is completely jerking you around and wasting your time.

  117. Sasha

    Hi, Ms. Ryan

    I’m 31 and my crush is 41. He flirts all the time with me, passes by my office daily, touches me. I asked him if was he single he said yes and smiled. I didn’t believe him, I said, “You’re too cute to be single.” I asked him to lunch and he said we’ll see well, but that never happened. I researched and found out he has been engaged been for three years. Why did he lie? Since then, I’ve noticed when he sees me with other men he gets jealous and he stares at me with this hurt or angry look on his face. I Haven’t told him I know he’s engaged, because I don’t want him to think I’m a stalker.

    I don’t know if I should say something or leave this all alone. My mom says a man that isn’t married is single so he can date whom he wants and isn’t obligated to anyone. To me it seems like since he can’t have me in the manner that he wants, it hurts him to see me. Now he doesn’t pass by my office anymore. If I’m out during lunch, he will wait for me so we can walk back to the office together. I don’t understand him, If there are no feelings for me and doesn’t want me for a girlfriend, why is he acting this way? Thanks for your help.

  118. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Confused,
    I’m just going to be straight with you and hope that’s OK. While you have history, you are not having a true relationship with this guy. You are having a virtual relationship. It’s so easy to enjoy and feel good about it, but it’s not real, live, or face-to-face. So how can you end your marriage for that? I advise that you do one thing at a time. Decide if you are in or out of your marriage. If you are in, BE IN IT. If you are out, then get a divorce so you can move on with your life. But please do not make such a huge life decision based on some emails from a guy you didn’t even kiss at the prom.

  119. confused

    I have a question. In middle school I wasn’t very popular with the guys. My cousin would introduce me to the guys he was friends with. There was this one friend of his that I thought wasn’t my type. He was short, thin & hung around bad crowds. He was in trouble most of the time come to think of it. We hardly spoke to each other but we did have a class together. We eventually started talking because of that class. As friends. Later on in high school we went our separate ways. He dropped outta school. Got his ged. And joined the marines. But, before he left we went to the prom together. We didnt kiss at the end of night because I just didnt have any feelings for him that way. I graduated from high school. We never talked again. Then one day I get this email from classmates saying he still wanted to be friends. We talked and talked over emails and texts. He got married had 2 kids and I got married and had 3 kids. During this time we started asking each other if either person started having feelings for another. The answer was yes, from both of us. This was crazy! He was living in japan, & I was in the states. We both agreed we would work on our marriages. Another 3 years go by & he contacts me through an old yahoo address. He tells me he’s divorced & asks if I’m still married. I am. Although, not happily married. I want a divorce but, I’m not ready to go through with it because of my kids. However I’m no longer in love with my husband. This guy friend, I’m not even attracted to. However i feel like there’s potential there for us to start a relationship. This friend & I have been texting each other for the past 2 months now Everyday. He tells me he likes to hear from me and I bring joy to his life. I asked him once if he liked me and he said back then he did. He was shy and still is. He knows I want a divorce. He has asked me to come visit him during the summer & stay with him in his new home. I’m not sure what to do here. This friend has shown me so much affection. I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously confused. Please, I need advice here. Thanks in advance. Confused

  120. Lynn

    Hi Ronnie,

    I got a question. Someone from work started emailing me on facebook after I posted a recent new picture of myself. I was told by other coworkers that this guy seemed interested in me. Sometimes he will email me 5 minutes after i answer his email, other times it fluctuates from 2 hours to 18 hours to 3 days or even 6 days. I have given him my number and we have texted off and on for 2 weeks. After that he stopped texting and started emailing me on facebook again. We went from emailing each other on facebook to texting to emailing each other on facebook again. He has informed me that he has been in and out of the hospital due to health issues. However, there have been 3 different times where he has emailed me and said lets have lunch on thursday or lets have lunch on this day yet I tell him check with me on the day before to confirm this and then he doesnt and when the day comes up where he mentioned about having lunch on that day in question he doesnt email me. Yet he will email me several days after that day we were supposed to meet for lunch and talk about this and that. I have told him in the emails that I felt as though he was not serious about having lunch with me and that he was messing with me about. Then he came back and said he was serious about having lunch with me and he wasnt messing with me about it. So I believed him and we emailed each other for a few more weeks and i would ask stuff about him and he would ask stuff about me. Last weekend he said something about having lunch this weekend. I told him that would be fine. However, since that last email he didnt send send me another email saying anything about a day or a time to have lunch this weekend. Hence this weekend has just about to be gone, and we didnt have lunch. He has emphasized to me he was serious about having lunch with me and not messing with me. And he has been in the hospital due to health problems.Yet 3 times he will say in emails that we should do lunch together on this day or that day, and then no email from him about when and where on the 2 or 3 days before we are supposed to have lunch. What is going on here?

  121. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Al, yes the words do match his actions and that is your tip off something is not right. it could be several things. He might not want to see you more than the weekends. he might see someone else during the week. he might not want to get too close. There isn’t much you can do to make him want to see you. It could be something else.

    So what you know right now is that he doesn’t have the same desires about dating and relationships as you do. That likely means you are not a good match.

    My suggestion is to tell him what you want and what would work for you. Say something like, “I enjoy your spending time with you and getting to know you better. It would mean a lot to me to see you more than on the weekends. maybe at least one day during the week. What do you think?” You want to say this to him with little emotion – just matter of fact and no pressure.

    Then if you don’t like his answer or he says something nice but doesn’t back it up with actions, you’ll know you should well move on. He’s not going to come around if either of those two things happen. I know that’s hard to do but it will save you months of heartache. My bet is, he is not the right guy for you because he doesn’t want what you want

  122. AL

    Hey Ronnie, I could really use your advice.

    I started seeing this guy around Nov last year. We hit it off completely and it was great!! A few weeks into in he went off the face of the planet..Texted him to see what was up and nothing, so I backed off. Late Dec he comes back pouring his heart out telling me he got “cold feet” that he could not lose me! I am a very forgiving person, said I only wanted a friendship. He insisted a bit until we got together and things just picked up from there. He really did not have to put in much effort. It was hard to be his friend because I really liked him. Long story short we started talking and are now in a 2 month relationship. Thing is, I keep getting what I see as mixed signals. I do not know if it is just me, overthinking-which I tend to do… Or what? As of currently he works nights, I work days-so that alone adds stress and we only see each other on weekends-which is starting to get to me. He also shares a car with his mother. As of last a few days i brought up the subject of seeing each other more often (during the week) but last night he said something I didn’t like.. I suggested he come after 6:30 my shift and before his shift at 10pm..His response was we will see because that cuts down on my time, for sleep or cooking etc… :/ Mind you, I drive over there every weekend, I stay up late nights to talk to him since our schedule is so different… He claims to miss me but.. I get that response. The words are not being backed up by the actions. I do not know if a breakup is the right thing because i am old school and believe in fixing something if needed not giving up BUT I COULD — USE HELP!!!

  123. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    He actually said to you “well it can’t be me because I’m an ass” and you still want to see him? Girl – its time to work on your confidence. He slept with you then showed diminishing interest. What do you want him back for? He is not a gentleman and not genuinely interested. I’m sorry to say sometimes men seem really into you just to get you into bed. Now he’s been there, done that and off to the next.

    Don’t feel too bad – it happens to so many women. Next time, be sure to have several dates over a few weeks before you sleep with a man if you want to know how interested he is. When it comes to love, it’s always a bit of a gamble. But hopefully you’ll get smarter about men and catch on faster to this kind of “player routine”.

  124. Confused

    So I’m in college, and I met this guy at a party and we’ve been talking since the ending of October. We started things pretty slow, we’d hangout at parties, talk, get to know each other, but only on weekends. After a couple weeks we were kissing and cuddling, and talking during the week and stuff.. after about a month and a half I finally gave him my virginity..

    After that we were still talking and stuff, and he was really sweet and everything, but about a week later we both went home for 3 weeks for christmas break. We still talked over the break, he told me people kept asking if he was single and he didn’t know what to say so he ended up asking me if we were “a thing”, but we never really came to an answer and then he just dropped the subject completely.. (to clear that up, I said I was a one guy only kind of girl, to which he responded: “Well it can’t be me because I’m an asshole. Best of luck to ya’s!” .. ??)

    Now that we’re both back at college in the same town, we’ve barely talked. I haven’t even seen since we’ve been back. What do you suggest with this confusing guy? He was super into me before we left, and also seemed to be during the break, and now he doesn’t. I don’t get it.

  125. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi HC, remember – its a man’s actions not his words that matter most. He is showing you that he is not seriously interested in you because he makes no time to see you. How do you get him out of your system? Stop talking to him! Go meet some new guys! And don’t sleep with a man until he shows you have consistent dates and communication if you are looking for love.

  126. HC

    Well, I guess this article was specifically for me! I’ve been crushing on this guy for over a year now but I never told him until a few months ago. Then I found out he liked me too. The attraction between us was so darn thick, you could cut that shit with a army knife!!!! We both recently ended relationships so we wanted to go slow. After months of flirting, hanging out, we were intimate with each other. We still “see” each other and hang out but…….it’s bothers me that every time I suggest us going for a movie or just us dating, he never seems to have time. He works two jobs and makes time to go to the gym……but I’m feeling like he’s blowing me off AND stringing me along. Men make time for a woman if he’s really interested in her, period! He told me he liked me a lot more than he wanted to admit and that I was special to him, but I think that’s it; enough to sleep with but not enough to date!! I just wish I didn’t have feelings for him. My question is how do I get this guy out my system?! I’m frustrated because I don’t want to feel this way about a man whose stringing me along AND blowing me off, please help!

  127. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amanda, Not every man, nor every woman wants to be monogamous. And it’s an ego boost to be dating one woman while courting others. So there is your answer to “why”. That’s why he is all talk and no action – not making time to see you. And apparently he knows he’s got you on the line since you respond immediately. Why would you chase this guy? I recommend you NEVER CHASE NAY MAN, never mind this player. He is just wasting your time. Don’t respond to any more texts or calls. Drop him like a hot potato and move on to find a man who actually wants to spend time with you. He is NOT the MAN for YOU.

  128. Amanda

    I have been I guess “talking ” to this guy since March! He has stood me up several times in the past! However I found out he was dating someone and still he wants to talk to me! I don’t understand why?
    He always tell me he misses my face and wants to see me nothing happens! I feel like I’m going round in round in circles with him! It’s getting to be a huge turn off for me to even chase him! The thing is he expects to text him and knows I’ll answer on a drop of a dime. Please help

  129. Jenny

    I’ve been reading the above with great interest but what I would like to do is explain why these statements are accurate. Usually, if a woman is told that the man should do all the chasing, this is very often followed with “Why? This is the 21st century. That’s old fashioned nonsense”.

    By examining the typical behaviour of our ancestors we can see why this is the case, and in order to understand why it is important to let the man chase you we need to have an understanding of our prehistoric background.

    In simple terms, the man would go out into the wilderness and return to his cave with a woman.

    Genetically speaking this pattern of behavior is still encoded in the male today. Further studies reveal why men and women think differently but that’s another subject.

    Unfortunately, if a man is interested or “into” you he will let you know and anything done to force the matter or influence his behaviour will eventually lead to heartbreak.

    As difficult and as tempting as it is, let him come for you.

  130. Kelly

    Thank you Ronnie, I was thinking similarly. But damn, it’s hard!

    Mixed signals indeed!

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond, that is so kind of you!

  131. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Kelly, This guy’s erratic behavior is a sign that he lacks emotional stability. Whether he likes you or not is not so relevant. If you decide to be open to him for a potential relationship, he will likely make your life hell. Things never get better than in the beginning and right now the red flags are waving like at a parade. My dating advice is not to indulge him. As a manager, you have to be nice when he shows up, but close down the romance with this guy. If you get involved with him, you’ll always be wondering because he doesn’t not know how to communicate and has no respect for you or his own word. You deserve to be with a quality person, not someone who says he’ll be right back and then disappears.

  132. Kelly

    I manage a motel and this guy has stayed here off/on for over a year (due to work). One night in July a group of people were having a BBQ out back and they invited me and everyone else over. When I closed,I went over and me and this guy (I’ll call him Rabbit lol) started talking and we’d hit it off. We stayed up all night (til 6:30 am) talking and hanging out and it was quite nice. He kissed me 2x that night as well. The next day he was leaving and that was that. I’m friendly with his coworker/good friend so I shot off a quick text asking him to pass along my number to Rabbit. I thought for sure he would call, but after 2 or 3 weeks I realized he wasn’t going to. I decided to just forget about him and let it go. The following week he called, asked for me and made reservations for another stay. Well, he then asks me “I’m surprised I haven’t heard from you”…I said what? I tried to get my number to you etc. But then again, I live at work (on site job) and he certainly knows how to get ahold of me. To make a long story even longer (sorry!) he sounded so happy, he wanted me to stay with him, hang out etc. Asked if that room came with kisses from me and all of that. It was looking good right? I was happy and as the next day approached I was excited to see him again. He got here, checked in, he’d brought us some drinks etc. Then, he wants to take a nap and said ‘come back later”….I said no, why don’t you just let me know when you’re up? He said ok. Hours go by and walkover to his room and it’s wide open but he’s gone! WTF? When the motel closed for the night, my friend and i went to go have a drink across the street. Lo and behold there he is talking to some guy…MY friend knew the guy he was with and walked over and was talking to them. About 15 minutes later I walked over and my friend was leaving to go home and they invited me to stay with them…we had one more drink and left. Meanwhile his friend (who is much older) was saying he liked me,my attitude/personality/looks and all that and stated that he would take me out to lunch and/or dinner. Rabbit was like, “Like hell you will”. We leave come back to my place for another drink..and talked for a bit then went to bed to SLEEP. Nothing at all happened other than a kiss or two prior to going to bed. We sleep and in the morning he says “I have to check my phone” (he’d left it in his room and he’s on phone 24/7 with is work job)I said ok…he left to “go get his phone” i got up, made a cup of coffee went outside to sit and he was long gone, car and all…Haven’t heard from him since. (about 10 days now) WTF?

    P.S. Also his friend had told my friend that Rabbit had been telling him about this girl he has a crush on at the motel..(which was me) and this was before his friend even was introduced to me or knew that I was that girl.

    Did this make ANY sense? lol sorry for the length, I probably shouldn’t have written a novel….

  133. Diane

    I just got dealt a blow of mixed signals and rejection last night. I now understand how men and boys say they fear it.

  134. Ronnie Post author

    AS – I agree completely – the chase is still alive!

    Judy – you are right – when you see mixed signals, step back. If he wants you – he’ll step up!

  135. Judy

    Great advice! So true. If they’re sending mix signals it’s best to walk. And hard as it is to do, you gotta let the guy take the lead in the early stages of the game.

  136. AS

    Some sound advice… Whilst we live in an age of equal opportunities etc when it comes to dating I am of the belief that it is a man’s role to take the lead. In many situations you find that without a chase, men lose interest pretty quickly.

  137. GINA

    Oh, I forgot to add that I too am getting mixed signals… When I’m there he never makes comments about me being there, even acts really appreciative of the help,but then sometimes he says he says he doesn’t want to get smothered and that maybe I need to go home for a few days. This is confusing to me. Then, when I am gone for a few days, it’s “when are you coming back?”

    totally confused

  138. GINA


    I am in dire need of some advice. I have been dating a guy for 3 months. I have my own apt but am at his house 3-4 days a week, depending on if I have to leave town that weekend. See, if I am leaving town for the weekend, I stay with him at his house 2-3 days during the week. When I’m there, I act as if we are married, cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his dogs when he is out of town for work (which is on and off mon-thursday). I KNOW that I am making this WAY too easy for him, but I don’t know how to start over, get things on the right track. I have also told him that I am in love with him, his response, that he’s just not there yet. He has been divorced for almost two years now, and I am the first relationship since then. I too am almost two years divorced. We speak of the future and I know that he cares about me, maybe even loves me but is just afraid to say it? I feel like a need a dating coach and am so lost!! I just want to do this right and make this one last. Please help.


  139. Lavern Gill

    Hell Ronnie

    I was dating this guy last summer, we had a wonderful time he was all over me. When I was with friends and family he makes me feel loved accepted and all. ALSO when we were along he was the sweetest thing. Flowers, gifts all the beautiful wonderful concert, opera you name it he sent me the most beautiful vase of flowers took me to dinner then five days he called me and said to me there is something he wanted to talk to me about. we had dinner then he told me openly that he is not going to see me any more because he is not in love with me. What do you make of that sort of behavior. tell me Anyway I have gotten over that and would not want this to be repeated again. Help me here Ronnie I need some advise.
    Regards Rose

  140. Ronnie Post author

    Stevo – that would be “NO”. When dating, I sought men who were consistent and serious about me. That’s what makes for a healthy, lasting long-term relationship. And that’s how my husband of 11 years is.

    Personally, I don’t like drama – I can see maybe you do. To each his own as they say.

    What you are talking about IS exciting, but it doesn’t last and if a woman hangs on – she is likely miserable. But thanks for your POV.

  141. Stevo

    Roonie, maybe this guy has a life and isn’t a doormat like so many poor souls that constantly get dumped by your female clients. Obviously, this guy is doing something right because TG is wondering where things are going with Him. Come on Ronnie, you know intuitively that guys that aren’t available 24/7 are more interesting and alluring than those that are like slobbering little puppies waiting to answer their date’s every beck and call. This guy understands that women want a challenge. And so what if he is dating other women? Wouldn’t you rather date a guy that is popular than one that is sitting at home by the phone waiting for you to call? Who wants a loser like that? TG, pursue your guy, he’s most likely worth the effort.

  142. Ronnie Post author

    Terry – thanks so much for your point of view on this. Women do misunderstand this advice and you helped give a twist that might appeal to more women – so a big thank you! I’m not trying to make anyone angry or be controversial, I just want to help women who have a strong desire to find love – to find it.

  143. Terry

    If I had read this post at one point during my single life, I would have been offended by your suggestion to “let the man lead.” I made my own living, paid my own rent, traveled and had fun with my friends. In other words, I was independent and not likely to transform myself into somebody’s little woman.

    But I would have misunderstood you. I finally learned that by letting the guy lead, you’re essentially allowing him to do the work. And that’s a very good thing.

    As you pointed out, it also tells you a lot about him, specifically if he’s interested. (What a relief to be able to stop wondering.)

    Thanks for the great post. If a man wants to be with a woman, he’ll be glad to reach for her. We just have to be willing to give him room to reach.

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