Love From A Distance Can Be Just As Heartbreaking

Love from a distance can be wonderful or just as heartbreaking as loving the guy next door when things don’t work out. Frequently, the distance makes your relationship strictly love from a far with little hope of reality.

Advice About Love from a Distance

love from a distance“Dear Love & Dating Coach Ronnie,

I need some advice. I have been going crazy and being hard on myself over this guy.

We met via a mutual friend on a social media app. My good friend moved to a new state, he made friends with this guy who added me on social media and we hit it off.  We talked/flirted here and there a few times a month.

Then the last month and a half he kicked it up a lot and we text /phone call/ FaceTime everyday and night. It was really wonderful even though it was love from a distance.

He said all the right things and we were getting to really know each other. He was such a gentleman. Finally, after both guys asking me to come visit multiple times, I found time in my schedule to go visit my friend and meet this guy.

I’ve Been Falling in Love

via GIPHY

Honestly, I have been falling in love with him for months now. We had deep conversations and talked about traveling together. He offered that I should stay with him when I go to visit. He went on about how excited he is that I was coming to see him and planning all the things were going to do.

Then this past week he became distant. Two weeks before I fly out! I know he’s stressed and busy with work so I gave him some space. I didn’t expect to talk with him daily.

But, I noticed our conversations got shorter and shorter. Days went by without him even saying hi. He just said, “Sorry, I have been really busy.”

Blaming Myself

I was going nuts for a week – feeling like I messed up, did something to push him away, or somehow wasn’t good enough. This is what makes love from a distance difficult. So finally, I asked if he could tell me what happen since things feel different.

I said that if its just work stuff, that’s fine. I respect it and will give him space. But if its something I did or he doesn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore, then he owes me the truth. His response was,

“Yeah, so I got back with my ex this weekend.”

Now what? I have no clue what to do!

I didn’t even respond to that message, it was a slap in the face! I had no clue there even was an ex, since no one has been in the picture for months or If she even lives there near him.

I’m going there soon with a group of my friends, but the trip was intended to see and spend time with him. Now he won’t even meet me.

Can This Be Saved?

love from a distance Is there anything I can do to save this? Or should I just stop talking to him?

We have so much in common and got along so well. It was easy! Everything was effortless, so I never saw this coming! I was excited to meet him and see if the spark was there in real life and now I don’t think I’ll even see him. I’m just crushed.

Please help!”
Crushed in California

The Trouble with Love from a Distance

Dear Crushed,

Your situation is EXACTLY why I strongly urge women NOT to get involved in a long distance relationship. Most often they do not work and end like this – with a woman in pain.

I know this might come as a shock, but for all you know he’s been with his girlfriend the entire time. Do you really think it suddenly happened just like that? No way. Your friend might not have even known this guy had a woman in his life.

With love from a distance, it didn’t matter to him about his girlfriend. He didn’t feel like he was really doing anything wrong. It was just FUN. He could talk a blue streak and make plans and everything would be fine because he thought he’d NEVER ACTUALLY SEE YOU.

From Fantasy to Reality

The thing is, now that you’re shifting his virtual relationship and fantasy into reality – oh oh, that’s big trouble! He can’t MEET YOU – he has a woman.

Do you really believe he suddenly got back with his ex, just like that in the last couple of weeks? No, I don’t think so. I seriously doubt that. His pulling away is evidence of GUILT because he never thought he’d get caught two-timing with love from a distance.

Strengthen Your Self-Worth

I’m sorry to hear that you beat yourself up for a week, wondering what you did wrong. On the other hand it’s great you reached out to ask him what was going on and put an end to your suffering. That was very smart and shows your capacity for self-preservation.

I’d love to see you strengthen your self-esteem and self-worth because you KNOW you didn’t do anything wrong. And you are plenty good enough. At least he admitted this was his fault when he told the truth (well sort of) about his girlfriend.

Instead of immediately thinking you’re at fault, you could decide that his pulling way and silent treatment are NOT how you want to be treated. When a man behaves like that, you won’t stand for it and call him on it – which you did! Just skip the beating yourself up part if it happens again within someone else..

Can This Love Be Saved?

You want to know what to do? Sadly, there’s absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix this and get him back. You can still visit your friend with your buddies if you like. I’m sure you could still have a good time – after all you won’t be alone.

Hundreds of women tell similar stories on my blog and I know love from a distance is very prevalent. It makes me sad thinking of all the heartbreak that could be avoided if men and women didn’t look for love via social media or long distance with the apps or online.

Time to Look Within

One thing I will ask you to think about – what is it about love from a distance that worked for you? Maybe distance made it easier for you open your heart and be vulnerable? Maybe you never thought you’d meet a good guy?

Social media and distance take the risk out of getting to know people. That’s why many feel safer and can be more open with strangers who they think they’ll never meet. But as things progress and feelings grow, you can see the tremendous disadvantage of love from a distance.

Your Heart Wants Love

Sometimes this sort of experience, while unpleasant, let’s you know that you DO want a loving relationship. Something within you allowed this to happen and that tells you it’s time to start dating again.

If you’ve been inactive for a while, this is your wake up call that your heart wants love. After you get over this guy, I sure hope you’ll take the chance to find love again – close to home. The right man for yo uis out there and he might be just around the corner.

Find out what’s keeping you from finding love and discover is coaching is right for you? Apply here for your complimentary session.

Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

7 thoughts on “Love From A Distance Can Be Just As Heartbreaking”

  1. Hi Ronnie,
    I have reconnected with an old flame who lives 65 miles away on a boat. We are 62 and 63. We have messaged and talked on the phone almost daily and have met up twice in the last 6 months. Thing is I want more, he knows that but says he doesn’t want to rush. Knowing how I feel about him why does he keep in contact with me if he can’t commit or is he just taking his time to be sure? Should I just turn around and walk away? Cheers

    Reply
    • Hi Deb, He saw you twice in 6 months and doesn’t want to rush? He doesn’t want a relationship. He enjoys being in touch, so if you let him, why wouldn’t he do that? People don’t sensor themselves on behalf of another – that is YOUR JOB. Shutting this down is your responsibility since he doesn’t want a true relationship. He’s happy to chat, enjoy your company and emotional support if you allow it. But he sure won’t give you what you want! Don’t settle for his little relationship crumbs. Walk away girlfriend with your head held high, valuing yourself and knowing that you deserve more!

  2. HI Ronnie, I’ve been dating a guy long distance over a year since 6/18. Within the first 3 months, he came to see me 2 times. Then his mom got sick, he quit his job to take care of her and she passed away. Now he has trouble finding an ideal job. Last month i visited my relatives who live 300 miles from him and he drove 8 hours just to see me and took me out for dinner. After a week he was so stressed with his personal things (not finding a job, finance ..)He texted this, “He has been stressed, not himself lately, feeling blah, not motivated. Hope all is well. We keep in touch. Thanks for the note sweet girl.” My question is what does his mean? We “keep in touch” Does he want to say good bye in kindness? Please help me I don’t know what he really mean. What should i do?

    Reply
    • Hi Ann, When a man is unemployed and stressed, he is not at his best and often not interested in a relationship. He needs to focus on getting himself a job and secure again financially. That is his top priority as it should be. I think that’s what he means – stay in touch but don’t expect much. How can this ever work out? Will you move there or will he move to you? I know you’ve been “together” for over a year but it’s virtual. You are not “dating” – that requires time together face-to-face. If you can try to let it go. If he keeps up with you then maybe things will change but ultimately someone has to move so that dramatically decreases your chances or having it work out. Look for love locally if you want a relationship.

  3. Hi Ronnie,
    I enjoy reading your blog. Your tips are great and so practical that are very easy to follow (if only feelings are not involved). Can you feature a blog about making a relationship “Facebook Official”? When is the right time to do it, who should initiate it (the man or the woman), and should adults still do it? I’m excited to read your opinion about this. Thank you! – Sheryl

    Reply
    • Hi Sheryl, Interesting question. My gut says the people who know you that matter will know you are in a relationship so why is this important? However, I know social media matters more to some than others. My dating advice would be WAIT so you don’t have to be embarrassed if things don’t work out and change it back. Maybe around the three month mark, once you are consistently seeing each other in an exclusive relationship that you’ve both agreed to. Talk about it first – some people are more private and be very careful not to over share. I did a little research and found this great article about relationship status on Facebook.

  4. Thank you so much for reaching out and posting about my situation Ronnie! I really appreciate it and it helped me feel better about some of my confusion and fear that it was myself that did something wrong to push him away. I just miss talking to him, we really were friends for a while with a lot in common. I understand everything you mentioned and just wish I didn’t catch myself in this situation. I feel so heart broken that someone can tell me so much and put so much into it then poof! its all over.

    Reply

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