I Miss Him So Much Because He Vanished – What Should I Do?

“I miss him so much.” Here’s my best dating advice for a woman pining away for a guy that vanished and she just doesn’t know how to reach out to him.

She Misses Him A Lot

I miss him so much Hey Love Coach Ronnie,

I’m in a bit of a pickle! To be clear, I don’t want a relationship with the man/best friend I have. We both have feelings for one another and have fooled around.

I hate to admit it but he does have a girlfriend whom he is not happy with. It’s a convenience thing for his work situation.

We bonded immediately when we met – he had a horrible childhood, and struggled with alcohol and depression. Just getting together at my place to watch a sports game or sit by the fire was relaxing (and we weren’t always intimate).

I appreciated that he was showed me his true self and trusted me.

His job has him on the road a lot now. I hear from him much less but when I do, he says that we should meet up. I tell him absolutely I want to see him and he gets extremely flirty.  Our sexual chemistry is off the charts.

Here’s The Problem

When I suggest a date, he skirts the question. He vanishes. I KNOW this guy wants me and loves me. Part of me thinks he doesn’t want to hurt me because he cannot commit to a date and he doesn’t want to let me down.

Remember, we also just have regular conversations etc. .. he’s not using me for anything, nor am I using him.

I just don’t know the rules at this point for calling him out on his vanishing and not committing to seeing me. After all, it was his idea to see me!

I have an entire week off coming up. I feel like I should say, “I am available until this date , now is your chance to take advantage of meeting up! Can’t wait to c u!”. What do you think?

I miss him so much and have even considered telling him that I worry that I’ll never see him again.

Please share your advice with me.

Thanks,
Missing Him

 

Are You Honest With Yourself?

Dear Missing Him,

First, while my advice is blunt and to the point, I care about every woman I respond to. I have compassion and from this place, I do my best to explain things as I see them.

Let’s start by looking at the inconsistencies revealed in your question to me.

You say you are clear you don’t want a relationship with this man. The very definition of relationship is to spend time with someone isn’t it? A relationship is when you share your life with someone, spend time together and have conversations.

via GIPHY

You said you miss him because you haven’t seen him recently, right? If this isn’t a relationship, then what is it? If you think it’s just casual, why do you care if you never see him again?

Casual relationships are not about feelings and you certainly have them for this guy. After all, you told me “I miss him so much.” That’s not a take it or leave it sort of thing.

So, it’s time you were honest with yourself about your feelings for this man.

She Trusts Him

The next piece is that you trust each other. I can see why he might trust you, but why do you trust him? After all, he’s cheating on his girlfriend. That means he lies to her, so how do you know he doesn’t lie to you as well?

Now he’s on the road and he says he wants to meet up. Yet, you can’t pin him down or make a plan. When you bring it up – he disappears! That doesn’t sound very trustworthy to me.

He’s Not Using Me

It’s interesting that you don’t think he’s using you based on how he has regular conversations with you.  Men who want extracurricular partners, also want to stay in touch to keep a woman interested and connected.

Maybe he’s not using you, but he is having relations with two women.

The truth is a lot of men need a woman for comforting conversation too and not just sex. They like knowing someone cares or perhaps more than one someone. Multiple women is good for the male ego – but not so good for the women.

He Pulled Away

I miss him so much The fact that he has vanished as you say is not a good sign which is why you wrote, “I miss him so much”. This is especially after suggesting getting together. A lot of men want to keep a woman thinking they are together, even when they aren’t to feel powerful or sought after.

It’s time to realize his disappearing act is telling you something. I’m so sorry to say it appears you are more into him than he is into you. The proof is you can’t get him to plan a time to meet.

What Are The Rules?

Anything goes in a causal relationship because you aren’t invested in doing everything the best way possible to establish a lasting, loving relationship. That means, if you want to reach out, call him out or whatever, you are free to do it.

If you were in a relationship, I would tell you that it’s time to see what he is really made of. My advice would be to give him an ultimatum, but only if you are SURE you will follow through.

You could say, “If you want to see me, I’m free this whole week. If you can’t make it I’ll take that as a lack of interest and move on. No hard feelings.” This is very clear and allows him to make a choice.

Does He Want To See You Or Let You Go?

I know this is hard. Telling me “I miss him so much,” lets me know you are in some amount of pain about this guy.

However, never let yourself be jerked around by some non-committal guy. This damages your self-esteem and self-worth. You want to have firm boundaries with the men you date, letting a man know when he has crossed a line.

It’s not some big emotional blow up. This is done calmly and clearly with the script I provided above. You are letting him know it’s time to make a choice OR YOU WILL DO IT FOR HIM. This comes from a stronger place then calling him out about vanishing.

A Woman Who Values Herself

i miss him so much When you value yourself and know your worth, you won’t leave your fate up to a vanishing man. You’ll see that he has pulled away and is not a man of his word.

And you’ll want to shake free to find a better man. A man who is interested in only you. A man who WANTS to spend time with you and MAKES IT HAPPEN.

People make time for what is important to them. If he’s avoiding scheduling time to see you, that’s his clear message he doesn’t want to see you. If he did, he would set something up.

Don’t Expose Your Heart

I hope you won’t tell him you fear you’ll never see him again. Oh, the power over you that gives him! Once he knows this, he can do whatever he wants, because he’ll know how much you care.

Wanting to tell him about your fear and “I miss him so much” is another sign that you feel connected to him and of being in a relationship of some kind.

Be Strong

My hope for you is that after reading this, you find your inner strength and realize you deserve better! You’ll stop saying, “I miss him so much” and let go.

You deserve to be in a relationship with an honest man who cares for you and wants to spend time with you. Not some guy that strings you along on his own time table.

I’m not sure what your issue is with being in a relationship and maybe that’s only with this guy. It sure seems to me like you want a relationship with someone you can see more regularly.

I truly hope you go for it and look for a new guy. The kind of man who once he gets to know you, discovers there is no other woman like you, which makes him cherish you all the more.

 

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10 responses on “I Miss Him So Much Because He Vanished – What Should I Do?

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sophie, Let me make this easy – being friends on Facebook has NO MEANING. He messaged you a few times – so what? I agree – this guy is a player and playing with your head. You are WAY over thinking this. Why are you living your life through social media? Dating takes place in REAL LIFE – like face to face dates out on the town. If you want to date, please try the apps.

  2. sophie

    I’m friends with a guy i like on Facebook for 3 years, I was following him as he was training to be a boxer. (he friend requested me. I have no idea if he’s ever looked at my profile or knows anything about me, no chats or comments on posts or likes any pics. He has liked other women’s pics, i don’t understand why come on to me if shown no interest before. He’s friends with a lot of women. Last time we spoke properly was 5 weeks ago – he messaged saying Hi 3 weeks ago and we both flirted a lot. Over this 5 weeks he’s added more women on facebook, women he can’t possibly know in person from anywhere in the world. I’m probably over thinking i. Struggling with being hurt again i don’t know what i do wrong. He said he was a private person, no girlfriend as too busy, so i asked him a few questions – didn’t get much back. I have stopped commenting & liking his pics. Maybe a player but why me. At least i would have been hurt like now. Thank you 

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    You are welcome Samantha! It’s great that you have your head on straight understanding this guy isn’t “The One.” I am a little curious why you feel so lucky however to be with a man who disappears on you? I guess knowing he’s not your long-term love helps you manage your expectations. But I’m wondering if this situation impacts your self-esteem? I hope you take good care of yourself and your self-esteem when choosing who you spend time with.

  4. SamanthaG

    Good day to u and everyone reading this. I have been in a casual relationship for a few years with one of my best friends. I started to catch feelings for him early on and he had told me that we couldn’t fall in love with each other . Well guess who said “I love you” first… yeah he broke the rule. With a situationship such as ours, he does vanish and not text back for a a couple of days or a week. I’m busy with my life where I live and he is busy with his. We rarely meet up because of this, and it’s left to texting. The key thing is to remind yourself that he is not obligated to text you like a boyfriend would. He gives as much as he can and loves you as much as he can. My friend is absolutely gorgeous and I still cannot believe I was so lucky to meet him and “be” with him. He’s got great qualities but he also has negative ones so I’ll always be looking for a steady man in my life and know it won’t be him. When that day comes he will just have to accept it knowing I won’t be readily available. Thanks for the blog ms Ronnie !

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi AEIOU – This guy does not love you – he just wants to sleep with you…maybe. He’s stringing you along and even when you make it easy for him, he doesn’t respond! Please have some self-respect and do NOT chase after him. He WILL BREAK YOUR HEART. Why do you want to be intimate with a cheater? What kind of man courts you while he’s got a relationship? Not one who plans on being true to you that’s for sure. Chemistry is not love. Look for love with a better man who will focus on you, respect you and spend time with you.

  6. AEIOU

    This blog popped up when I was trying to get an answer to “what do I do if my friend who wants to hook up doesn’t text me back?”. I have offered to meet him between my apartment and his house (hour drive for both of us). He’s made it clear that he wants to see me and has feelings for me. Sadly, he’s taken. We have always had this draw to one another. I care for him immensely as a friend but admit that there is a version of love for him. Him for me. With him not responding to such a good chance to see me, it upsets me. Especially since he’s pushing to see me. He works nights and also has his duties as a boyfriend with chores etc. plus he has a life with his friends. But as I texted him, I am worth it. Worth the time. No reply. Maybe it’s because he was drunk with his boys when I asked? Should I send him another text asking him if he wants to see me still? I know because of our situation there are unwritten rules and I have to go with the flow. Just wish he would take advantage of this time.

  7. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Missing Him, I had to shorten your comment, but kept the gist of it. I’m glad you are ready to be honest with yourself and to be straight with him. Even if he does beg you to stay, don’t fall for that. He has his reasons why he’s not wanting to see you. While I know that hurts – you are better off letting go then accepting crumbs as you say. That’s SO BAD for your self-esteem. I do wish you luck and inner strength – you’ve got this!

  8. MissingHim

    Ronnie – I am the “missing him” girl. Thank you so much for creating this blog and offering up advice. I began to think about certain circumstances with my male friend over the years and was honest with myself. I don’t want a relationship with him but I do love him and that is an issue. Over the years I have questioned things he does and at times made up excuses. Even as a friend there are things I can’t ask him because he’ll ignore me. So frustrating, he wasn’t like this when we first met. I’ve given my all to him and found it difficult to be with other men because I constantly compare them to him. I need to realize he won’t change, and that he is just in a place now where texting/sexting with me is all he wants without saying it. I need better and deserve better. I would love to have my friend back but I don’t think we can even do that at this point. I am going to take your advice and text him in a couple of days saying I have time off and he should take advantage of this and meet up with me. Time to push back, be stern and more honest with myself. This will hurt my heart but I have to do this. It’s been so many years of loving a man that gave me crumbs and I felt full with that. Full because he was someone that everyone wanted and no one ever thought I would be able to “land”. Well check him off my bucket list – I have had an amazingly handsome man, but sadly his mental state and decisions don’t match the body. Off to repair my heart and send that text to him in a couple of days. My guess is he will avoid the text and talk about any other topic. Or he will be scared to lose me and beg. Wish me luck .. I know him well but I am tired. I need change. Thank you Ronnie.

  9. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, I understand she has feelings – my hope was for her to admit that to herself since she claimed she didn’t want a relationship. Her reaction is like she is in one – at least in how she feels about the guy. Your other point about sharing feelings – there are times when this is a very important thing to do. But sharing your feelings with a man who is disappearing on you and not making plans just leaves you wide open and very vulnerable. Hope that helps and thanks for the compliments!

  10. Kim

    Just saw this post and had to comment since myself am in a similar situation. I will spare u the details but I am curious about some of what you said, Ronnie. You mentioned why would she care if she ever saw him again? I know that I was best friends with my guy first. My heart also fell for him over time. Of course I would be hurt and sad not seeing him again. It’s extremely tough to just push someone away if you have a lot of history with them. If he was beating her or something I can see where she could easily forget that slime monster. I’ve also run into trust issues with a guy who lives in another town. Once you have been burned you tend to put your guard up.

    The advice about not telling him that she fears she will never see him again is interesting. I would assume a guy would suddenly have a light bulb go off and be more attentive? Maybe not. She would be honest with him, and if he decides that he just doesn’t want to deal with her emotions, he will certainly back off. The blog truly makes you think about men and how they think about relationships. Thank you for your blog Ronnie you are great!

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