Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

Let a man pursue you – that’s the #1 thing you can do get him invested in dating you. Follow his lead for the lasting loving relationship you dream of.

let a man puruse youHow To Let a Man Be a Man

Right now I have an awesome single guy as a client. In his early 50’s, Rick has shared with me the ups and downs of his love life. He felt ready to date again, but wanted to avoid some of the painful mistakes he made in past relationships. I have been very excited to guide him on this journey, as he’s a great catch.

His First Date

On his first date after starting with me, he was nervous and let the woman lead the conversation. She went down the unfortunate road of discussing past relationships and he followed her there. Then Rick noticed the energy between them diminished immediately following this conversation.

They talked about getting together again and his date said she’d let him know what was good. He told me he left the ball in her court. (Oh no – that’s a big dating mistake for a man!)

Who Should Lead the 1st Few Dates?

Let’s talk about who should lead on the first 4-8 dates. I explained to Rick about my “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.” In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader – the man, and one follower – the woman. This strategy works best for the first 4-8 dates, (8 is better) depending on the couple, for so many reasons.

When you let a man pursue you and take the lead, you can observe what he’s willing to do to win you over without your prompts. This is essential to discover his interest level.

Does he take three weeks to call for a second date? Or does he ask you for a second date within three days? Obviously the quicker he gets in touch and asks you out, the greater interest he is showing. In this case, texting does NOT count – only his efforts to see you.

Don’t Take the Lead

As the woman, if you can’t handle waiting or think it’s unnecessary to let a man pursue you, you might call and ask when you can see him again. “Are you busy this weekend?” might slip out of your anxious lips. This is not a good dating strategy for women.

Can’t Take the DNA Out of Dating

Now that the genders achieved greater equality in the work place, women think it’s perfectly fine to initiate. You want to call and ask him out, be direct and say what’s on your mind or shoot the breeze.

Unfortunately dating has not caught up with equality in business. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual based on biology. Sorry to say, you can’t take the DNA out of dating – not yet.

Men Want to Win

What does that mean about DNA? See a man has hunter instincts coded into his DNA. The hunter wants to win. He enjoys setting his sights on a woman and then doing what it takes to win her over. Dating you needs to be his idea.

Once you are into the relationship (after 8 – 12 dates) then the chase is over and the communication can be more balanced. However, as the woman, if you don’t wait and try to take over pursuit, you can lose big time.

Men Don’t Like to Be Chased


Instinctively, most men (over 40) know leading is their role in dating. They know they must pursue you to win your heart. So, when you take over his role and chase him, it’s often a turn off. It destroys the sexual tension that otherwise builds between a man and a woman and can make you unattractive or push you into the friend zone.

When you chase him, he’ll no longer be guessing if you like him or not.

There’s nothing to win and no reason to strive for your attention when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. When you call or ask him out early on, you take all the challenge and mystery out of the process causing a man to lose interest.

What Makes Him Pursue You?

That’s why you want to let a man pursue you, so he gets invested in winning you over!

Making yourself too available by initiating contact or asking him out ruins the magic and eliminates the mystery. Instead of appearing independent and confident, you end up looking aggressive, needy or desperate! These are not traits men seek in a woman.

My steadfast dating advice is:


To make this even more clear, I want to share Rick’s email with me after we talked about the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.”

Rick totally understood why leaving the “ball in her court” was a passive move that would get him nowhere. This was how he tried to ward off rejection. He thought by leaving the next move up to her, he could avoid hearing her possibly say, “No” to his next invitation.

Now, Rick Gets It!

“Hi Ronnie,

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Ballroom Dance analogy and wow, that’s really powerful.

When I actually took Ballroom Dance lessons, I was really nervous and awkward at first and didn’t know what to do. Gradually, I became more confident. As my confidence grew and I had more lessons, this is what my instructor taught me.

My Job as the Man:

1) Lead – never, ever let the woman take the lead. Never. Ever. Period. This was drilled into me.

2) Make the woman feel that she is the center of attention and the most beautiful, graceful being on the planet.

3) Have a plan on the dance floor and know where you’re going – the woman usually can’t see where we are going because she’s facing backwards. It’s the man’s job to keep a woman out of trouble and on the right path in dancing.

4) Leave past mistakes in the past. You can’t do anything about them. Focus on the here and now and the immediate future, to avoid more mistakes.


Rick Filled His Dance Card

When I learned to put these concepts into place, my dance card was always full and I never sat down at a dance party. In fact, the Dance Studio I went to stopped charging me for coming to the dances because they wanted me to keep coming as I was an excellent dance partner.

So now, I’ll compare this with dating.  I am a past dance master just getting back into dancing, but I’m talking about and thinking about my past dance partners instead of dancing! I’m not leading or making the woman feel special. And I don’t have a well defined plan, and I’m not letting go of past mistakes.

If I don’t get this under control, I’ll be sitting down for most of the dances (figuratively speaking) and ruin my dating chances to find a new partner. I know what to do and how to do it.

Time to get off my duff and start leading again!”

Let a Man Pursue You!

You can only imagine how excited I was when I got this email from Rick! He had forgotten what his role was in dating AND dancing. Rick needed to step up to be the leader if he wants to find the right woman.

Finally, he could see avoiding rejection was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To find love, he’d better take charge.

This is why when you meet a guy who is too nice, he has usually forgotten he is the leader. And guess what, you find him unattractive! So, you must let men be men and take the lead. Let a man pursue you.

Promise You Won’t Take the Lead

Sit back and let a man pursue you. If he calls, call him back. When you have fun, tell him at the end of the date. Just don’t call him, ask when you can see him again for at least eight dates in a row.

Give yourself the chance to find out how much a man is interested in you and what he will do, on his own, to win you over. This is the best way for understanding a man’s intention.

Let a man be a man and do the work so the sexual tension builds and he gets invested in you for a lasting, loving relationship.

Find out if you might be making any other major midlife dating mistakes with my book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single






21 thoughts on “Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion”

  1. Hi Ronnie
    I have known a guy since I was 8, met up again as he asked his sister if I wanted number I said yes. We had drinks at his, then he ended it via WhatsApp. Stupidly I chased him we went back out had a meal and decided to take things very slow. Then I was being harrassed via messenger by two men and told said guy about this and he went cold on me. I even deleted messenger. He hasn’t bothered with me since, two weeks ago I texted him informed him I gave his sister his spare key. He asked how I was etc. Then I said “u fancy a drink this week?” He replied “I will text u later when I get home” Of course he hasn’t. I feel stupid…as I regret this now, I will never initiate contact again as I have learnt a valuable lesson. I am desperate for him to contact me and explain his actions. I am doing alot to distract myself but my question is why did he not just tell me to leave him alone?? I’m in a bad place about this. Thanks KM

    • Hi Kel, Sorry to hear this and you being in a bad place. Distracting yourself is the perfect solution, so good for you! You’ll hardly ever meet a man who will tell you, “Stop bothering me”. Most often men aren’t direct about dating because they avoid confrontation and don’t want to be the bad guy. They think it’s kinder to avoid or disappear. Now that you know this, shore up your confidence and self-worth because you want a man who wants to be with YOU! That means the guy you knew since 8 is NOT the right man. He may be a great guy but he’s not YOUR GUY. How do I know? Your guy who is the right man for you would never disappear, ghost or avoid you. He’d be enamored with you and WANT to spend time together. He’d have no excuses to make that happen – he’d just do it because it was important for him to be with you. That’s what you want in a love interest. Hope you feel better soon!

  2. Hi! I was dating a man for a little over a year, we broke up, few weeks ago he got in touch, wanting to get back. I let him pursue me and take the lead. We were working on our relationship but not official yet. Then I ask if he was talking to other women he said “yes.” We argued and I told him I didn’t like that but I still agree to take it slow with no intimacy involved. After that he went on a trip with his kids and I saw his level of text decreasing. He stopped contacting me for a week then I reached out to him. He’s now saying that he felt I lost interest in him and that our whole relationship felt like he always had to chase me. He understands in the beginning is fine but not in the long term. After the talk he has pulled away and acting uninterested. I keep initiating the texting and calls for about 4 days now. Should I keep putting the effort and for how long or just leave him alone? He responds but is resistant now should I keep putting some effort.

    • Hi Anna, I’m assuming you want to hear the truth of the situation. I don’t know why you broke up the first time, but right now he’s gas lighting you blaming you for his pulling away. Truth is he just wants attention. He is not behaving like a man who really wants to get back with you – no other women are required for that! Something happened in his life and he was lonely so he reached out. He probably knew you wouldn’t go for it unless he acted like he wanted to get back together. Why would you put in any effort to a man treating you this way? If he’s resistant – that is NOT love. Sadly, this man is not worth your time or love. Let him go and if you want to find love again – go meet new men!

  3. I socialize with newly divorced men and women. The guy I like was divorced 6 months ago and was cheated on. He has told the group that he will not be ready to date for a while. He looks at me a lot! and we have great conversation and spiritual connection. How long should I wait for him to ask me out and am I fooling myself that he just likes all of us as friends. Would he have asked me out by now if he was interested?

    • Hi Nan, Sorry to say, yes you are fooling yourself. Who knows when he’ll be ready? He might be attracted to you, but that has nothing to do with dating you or starting a relationship. He said he’s not ready. You want to find a man who is ready for love – not likely someone from that group.

    • Hi Nan, First you have to be prepared for rejection because he might not be interested. Or interested enough to date you. Then you have to realize that if a man wants to ask you out, he will. And if he doesn’t, there’s a reason. Not because he’s shy or been hurt or intimidated which are reasons women always fall back on. Once you get past all of this, then you flirt with him. And in conversation, if the timing feels right and you are willing to take the chance, you can say something like, “Just so you know, if you asked me out sometime, I’d say yes.” That way, it still gets to be his idea if he chooses to go for it. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to do this, but that is what I recommend. Although frankly, I don’t think it’s a wise move, because ultimately – he’d ask you out if he wanted to. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but there it is.

  4. Pingback: Should I Call A Guy & Other Dating Qudsetions Women Wnt Answered
  5. Hello, I’m a 39 yo female dating a 40 yo divorced man with 1 small child. We met a month ago and he seems very interested in me. I guess my frustration is the waiting time. I have left everything under his lead, as your advice says, he’s paid for everything, drinks and nice dinner, he drives me home and is not overly touchy, just enough for now. We’ve had 3 dates so far. I’m very independent and busy, but I’m starting to worry he’s too busy for me. I read you suggest 8-9 dates before a relationship starts, so I guess I just need to wait. When do you suggest I question his interest in me, if ever? I guess my insecurities are starting to come up, but it’s only been 1 month. Any thoughts? Thank you!

    • Hi Miriam, Three dates is just the beginning. Relationships are not instant. This is why I recommend dating more than one man at a time because you never know who will call you again. Plus, when you date more than one man, you can’t over-focus or get antsy waiting. There’s no agreement between you so distract yourself with another man. Who knows, the new guy might be even better. How can you tell if he’s interested? Here are 14 ways! You shouldn’t need to ask – if you do, he’s the wrong man. If you decide not to date others, then go exercise, start a creative project, clean out a closet or hangout with your girlfriends – anything so you can stop thinking about a man you’ve only had three dates with. That is just far too much pressure on you and him.

  6. I had a first date with a guy I meet on tinder. I like him, he’s cute, attentive, and seemed to be respectful. We went to Starbucks and neither of us drink coffee. He ordered and paid for me and we sat off and talked and drank our drink. He asked some follow up questions and made mention to further dates but nothing was written in stone. He had to get back to campus he is a professor and we only stayed on the date for about an hour or so he called it a meet up instead of a date. He smiled and laughed he didn’t try and touch me in any flirty way but after the date he walked me to my car and gave me another hug he gave me one in the beginning too. So what I want to know can I anticipate on him calling or texting wanting to see me again or should I assume he’s not interested?

    • Hi Christina – Wow my crystal ball is on the fritz! I wish I knew. There’s nothing that shows his intent at all so only time will tell if he’s interested. Part of dating is a waiting game – no way around it. However, if 7 days go by and you haven’t heard much or there’s only texting and no mention of a date, that’s not a good sign. When a man is interested, he usually wants to see you again fairly quickly.

  7. Hello,
    I agree with your views on men wanting to chase women and that we should not initiate contact at the beginning of the dating. But I’ve also read that in order to look desirable, we have to keep ourselves busy. Meaning not saying yes right away when he asks if we can meet. But if we do so, it means we’re not being chased anymore. If a man asks me to see each other on Saturday and I reply to him that I’m busy that evening, have a night out with my friends, it’s expected that I reschedule. And that means I am the one leading. So what’s the limit between appearing too available and being the leader? Also could a man feel like I’m not putting effort in the relationship if I let him initiate contact? Should you always pretend being busy or focused on other things? What is too much or not enough (I feel there’s no middle ground). Last question : do these tips apply to under 30 people (men or women)?

    • Hi Morgane, the idea is not to look desperate. So say no to same-day dates at the start of dating. You want him to know you have a good life without him which is why you aren’t desperate. If a guy asks you out for a couple of days in advance you can say yes the first time – why not? No reason to always be busy – that’s “The Rules” and I’m not a fan of that approach. You don’t want to cancel other plans you might already have. You can say, I’m busy that night, but what about Thursday?” This way you keep your plans and let him know you’d like to see him. This is NOT leading – it’s still responding to his request. Don’t say what you are doing – so don’t say a night out with friends.” Be mysterious and let him wonder who you are out with. Being the leader means you ask him out – I’m not a big fan of that. Not putting effort into a relationship is when you are in a relationship – not the start of dating – two different things. Last but not least, the vast majority of these tips absolutely work for any age but hey, I’ve got to pick my audience so its over 40.

  8. There is this guy I am smitten with, captivated and charmed by. I let him lead for the most part. After he had made plans for a 3rd date, he drove me to my car and instead of kissing me goodbye and smooching like the first date, it was awkward. I asked if I could give him a hug. He did and kissed me tentatively. I actually like the fact that he was more circumspect because I want to get to know him well to see if we are compatible. The chemistry for me is intense and I think for him too because he told me he was glad we sat across from each other because in a booth he would have gotten too handsy. I took that to mean that he doesn’t want to move too fast but is attracted. Did I make a mistake asking the hug? I don’t want him to think I am too easy. He sent me all of these shooting star emoticons and thanks for a fun evening. I had responded with emoticons. Should I have told him how special the evening was for me too?

    • Hi Caroly, Asking for a hug wasn’t too forward so don’t worry. And no big deal about not saying the evening was special for you too. If you like a guy and have a good time on a date – its best to say so before parting. Just keep it brief. I’m a bit perplexed with him smooching on the first date and being awkward on the second. That’s making me suspicious. And telling you he could have been too handsy seems a bit off to me. Don’t assume he’s interested in something long-term because of that comment. Sometimes men say things like this because they WANT to sleep with you. Hot chemistry is fun but is NOT indicative of true potential in a man. I can’t say what this guy has in mind but don’t jump in. Your idea of holding off to see how things unfold is the smart way to go to guard your heart.

  9. THIS! I love Rick’s note. It is SO true. I’ve been in a relationship for over a year with a man who does not lead. It’s so frustrating and he only adjusts to what I want after I tell him that the relationship feels too casual and that he should keep dating as I want something more serious (cuz he’s not leading!). He refuses, doesn’t not want to break up and says he’ll do whatever. But soon thereafter the lack of leading continues, he sits passively waiting for me to come over, do the cooking, make the decisions. I do think this was his dynamic with his ex-wife. It is just really really resentment inducing and I feel genuinely not that “wanted” because he doesn’t plan, communicate, direct. Anyways, he’s on the brink of losing me due to this as I am now wanting to look for other fish so I can feel love and direction. Strong, independent women really want leaders in their men and it equates to love and feeling wanted for us! Lead, make the plans, always always date your mate forever.

    • Hi Guest, It could be that he’s a beta guy and asking or expecting him to change will not work. Maybe he just isn’t a leader. Everything has it’s pluses and minuses. An alpha male might want in on every life and household decision which could also be difficult. Maybe this guy isn’t right for you or he might have qualities that do make him a good catch if you can let go of wanting him to lead. What other qualities does he have going for him? Is he loyal, supportive, smart and positive? Does he get along with your friends and family and do they like him? There are 5 Languages of Love. Figure out what makes you feel loved besides him leading and making plans and see if he does those things. Then you’ll know if you should work around it or walk away.

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