Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

Let a man pursue you – that’s the #1 thing you can do get him invested in dating you. Follow his lead for the lasting loving relationship you dream of.

let a man pursue youHow Let a Man Be a Man

Right now I have an awesome single guy as a client. In his early 50’s, Rick has shared with me the ups and downs of his love life. He felt ready to date again, but wanted to avoid some of the painful mistakes he made in past relationships. I have been very excited to guide him on this journey as he’s a great catch.

His First Date

On his first date after starting with me, he was nervous and let the woman lead the conversation. She went down the unfortunate road of discussing past relationships and he followed her there. Then Rick noticed the energy between them diminished immediately following this conversation.

They talked about getting together again and his date said she’d let him know what was good. He told me he left the ball in her court. (Oh no – that’s a big dating mistake for a man!)

Who Should Lead the 1st Few Dates?

Let’s talk about who should lead on the first 4-8 dates. I explained to Rick about my “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating.” In ballroom dancing, there is only one leader – the man, and one follower – the woman. This strategy works best for the first 4-8 dates, (8 is better) depending on the couple, for so many reasons.

When you let a man pursue you and take the lead, you can observe what he’s willing do to win you over without your prompts. This is essential to discover his interest level. Does he take three weeks to call for a second date? Or does he ask you for a second date within three days? Obviously the quicker he gets in touch and asks you out, the greater interest he is showing. In this case, texting does NOT count- only his efforts to see you.

Don’t Take the Lead

As the woman, if you can’t handle waiting or think it’s unnecessary to let a man pursue you, you might call and asking when you can see him again. “Are you busy this weekend?” might slip out of your anxious lips. This is not a good dating strategy for women.

Can’t Take the DNA Out of Dating

Now that the genders achieved greater equality in the work place, women think its perfectly fine to initiate. You want to call and ask him out, be direct and say what’s on your mind or shoot the breeze. Unfortunately dating has not caught up with equality in business. Dating is still an archaic mating ritual based on biology. Sorry to say, you can’t take the DNA out of dating – not yet.

Men Want to Win

What does that mean about DNA? See a man has hunter instincts coded into his DNA. The hunter wants to win. He enjoys setting his sights on a woman and then doing what it takes to win her over. Dating you needs to be his idea. Once you are into the relationship (after 8 – 12 dates) then the chase is over and the communication can be more balanced. However, as the woman, if you don’t wait and try to take over pursuit, you can lose big time.

Men Don’t Like to Be Chased

via GIPHY

 

Instinctively, most men (over 40) know leading is their role in dating. They know they must pursue you to win you over. So, when you take over his role and chase him, it’s often a turn off. It destroys the sexual tension that otherwise builds between a man and a woman a can make you unattractive or push you into the friend zone.

When you chase him, he’ll no longer be guessing if you like him or not. There’s nothing to win and no reason strive for your attention when you serve yourself up on a silver platter. When you call or ask him out early on, you take all the challenge and mystery out of the process causing a man loses interest.

What Makes Him Pursue You?

That’s why you want to let a man pursue you, so he gets invested in winning you over! Making yourself too available by initiating contact or asking him out ruins the magic and eliminates the mystery. Instead of appearing independent and confident, you end up looking aggressive, needy or desperate! These are not traits men seek in a woman.

That’s why my steadfast dating advice is:

DON’T CALL OR ASK MEN OUT!

 

To make this even more clear, I want to share Rick’s email with me after we talked about the “Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating”.

Rick totally understood why leaving the “ball in her court” a passive move that would get him no  where. This was how he tried to ward off rejection. He thought by leaving the next move up to her, he could avoid hearing her possibly say, “No” to his next invitation.

Now, Rick Gets It!

“Hi Ronnie,

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Ballroom Dance analogy and wow, that’s really powerful.

When I actually took Ballroom Dance lessons, I was really nervous and awkward at first and didn’t know what to do. Gradually, I became more confident. As my confidence grew and I had more lessons, this is what my instructor taught me.

 

My Job as the Man:

1) Lead – never, ever let the woman take the lead. Never. Ever. Period. This was drilled into me.

2) Make the woman feel that she is the center of attention and the most beautiful, graceful being on the planet.

3) Have a plan on the dance floor and know where you’re going – the woman usually can’t see where we are going because she’s facing backwards. It’s the man’s job to keep a woman out of trouble and on the right path in dancing.

4) Leave past mistakes are in the past. You can’t do anything about them. Focus on the here and now and the immediate future, to avoid more mistakes.

via GIPHY

 

Rick Filled His Dance Card

When I learned to put these concepts into place, my dance card was always full and I never sat down at a dance party. In fact, the Dance Studio I went to stopped charging me for coming to the dances because they wanted me to keep coming as I was an excellent dance partner.

So now, I’ll compare this with dating.  I am a past dance master just getting back into dancing, but I’m talking about and thinking my past dance partners instead of dancing! I’m not leading or making the woman feel special, I don’t have a well defined plan, and I’m not letting go of past mistakes.

If I don’t get this under control, I’ll be sitting down for most of the dances (figuratively speaking) and ruin my dating chances to find a new partner. I know what to do and how to do it. Time to get off my duff and start leading again!”

Let a Man Pursue You!

You can only imagine how excited I was when I got this email from Rick! He had forgotten what his role was in dating AND dancing. Rick needed to step up to be the leader if he wants to find the right woman. He finally could see avoiding rejection was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. To find love, he’d better take charge.

This is why when you meet a guy who is too nice, he has usually forgotten he is the leader. And guess what, you find him unattractive! That’s why you must let a man be a man and take the lead. Let a man pursue you.

Promise You Won’t Take the Lead

Sit back and let a man pursue you. If he calls, call him back. When you have fun, tell him at the end of the date. Just don’t call him, ask when you can see him again for at least eight dates in a row.

Give yourself the chance to find out how much a man is interested in you and what he will do, on his own, to win you over. This is the best way to for understanding a man’s intention. Let a man be a man and do the work so the sexual tension builds and he gets invested in you for a lasting, loving relationship.

Find out if you might be making any other major midlife dating mistakes with my book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single

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8 responses on “Let a Man Pursue You to Clear Up Dating Confusion

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Christina – Wow my crystal ball is on the fritz! I wish I knew. There’s nothing that shows his intent at all so only time will tell if he’s interested. Part of dating is a waiting game – no way around it. However, if 7 days go by and you haven’t heard much or there’s only texting and no mention of a date, that’s not a good sign. When a man is interested, he usually wants to see you again fairly quickly.

  2. Christina

    I had a first date with a guy I meet on tinder. I like him, he’s cute, attentive, and seemed to be respectful. We went to Starbucks and neither of us drink coffee. He ordered and paid for me and we sat off and talked and drank our drink. He asked some follow up questions and made mention to further dates but nothing was written in stone. He had to get back to campus he is a professor and we only stayed on the date for about an hour or so he called it a meet up instead of a date. He smiled and laughed he didn’t try and touch me in any flirty way but after the date he walked me to my car and gave me another hug he gave me one in the beginning too. So what I want to know can I anticipate on him calling or texting wanting to see me again or should I assume he’s not interested?

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Morgane, the idea is not to look desperate. So say no to same-day dates at the start of dating. You want him to know you have a good life without him which is why you aren’t desperate. If a guy asks you out for a couple of days in advance you can say yes the first time – why not? No reason to always be busy – that’s “The Rules” and I’m not a fan of that approach. You don’t want to cancel other plans you might already have. You can say, I’m busy that night, but what about Thursday?” This way you keep your plans and let him know you’d like to see him. This is NOT leading – it’s still responding to his request. Don’t say what you are doing – so don’t say a night out with friends.” Be mysterious and let him wonder who you are out with. Being the leader means you ask him out – I’m not a big fan of that. Not putting effort into a relationship is when you are in a relationship – not the start of dating – two different things. Last but not least, the vast majority of these tips absolutely work for any age but hey, I’ve got to pick my audience so its over 40.

  4. Morgane

    Hello,
    I agree with your views on men wanting to chase women and that we should not initiate contact at the beginning of the dating. But I’ve also read that in order to look desirable, we have to keep ourselves busy. Meaning not saying yes right away when he asks if we can meet. But if we do so, it means we’re not being chased anymore. If a man asks me to see each other on Saturday and I reply to him that I’m busy that evening, have a night out with my friends, it’s expected that I reschedule. And that means I am the one leading. So what’s the limit between appearing too available and being the leader? Also could a man feel like I’m not putting effort in the relationship if I let him initiate contact? Should you always pretend being busy or focused on other things? What is too much or not enough (I feel there’s no middle ground). Last question : do these tips apply to under 30 people (men or women)?

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Caroly, Asking for a hug wasn’t too forward so don’t worry. And no big deal about not saying the evening was special for you too. If you like a guy and have a good time on a date – its best to say so before parting. Just keep it brief. I’m a bit perplexed with him smooching on the first date and being awkward on the second. That’s making me suspicious. And telling you he could have been too handsy seems a bit off to me. Don’t assume he’s interested in something long-term because of that comment. Sometimes men say things like this because they WANT to sleep with you. Hot chemistry is fun but is NOT indicative of true potential in a man. I can’t say what this guy has in mind but don’t jump in. Your idea of holding off to see how things unfold is the smart way to go to guard your heart.

  6. Caroly

    There is this guy I am smitten with, captivated and charmed by. I let him lead for the most part. After he had made plans for a 3rd date, he drove me to my car and instead of kissing me goodbye and smooching like the first date, it was awkward. I asked if I could give him a hug. He did and kissed me tentatively. I actually like the fact that he was more circumspect because I want to get to know him well to see if we are compatible. The chemistry for me is intense and I think for him too because he told me he was glad we sat across from each other because in a booth he would have gotten too handsy. I took that to mean that he doesn’t want to move too fast but is attracted. Did I make a mistake asking the hug? I don’t want him to think I am too easy. He sent me all of these shooting star emoticons and thanks for a fun evening. I had responded with emoticons. Should I have told him how special the evening was for me too?

  7. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Guest, It could be that he’s a beta guy and asking or expecting him to change will not work. Maybe he just isn’t a leader. Everything has it’s pluses and minuses. An alpha male might want in on every life and household decision which could also be difficult. Maybe this guy isn’t right for you or he might have qualities that do make him a good catch if you can let go of wanting him to lead. What other qualities does he have going for him? Is he loyal, supportive, smart and positive? Does he get along with your friends and family and do they like him? There are 5 Languages of Love. Figure out what makes you feel loved besides him leading and making plans and see if he does those things. Then you’ll know if you should work around it or walk away.

  8. Guest

    THIS! I love Rick’s note. It is SO true. I’ve been in a relationship for over a year with a man who does not lead. It’s so frustrating and he only adjusts to what I want after I tell him that the relationship feels too casual and that he should keep dating as I want something more serious (cuz he’s not leading!). He refuses, doesn’t not want to break up and says he’ll do whatever. But soon thereafter the lack of leading continues, he sits passively waiting for me to come over, do the cooking, make the decisions. I do think this was his dynamic with his ex-wife. It is just really really resentment inducing and I feel genuinely not that “wanted” because he doesn’t plan, communicate, direct. Anyways, he’s on the brink of losing me due to this as I am now wanting to look for other fish so I can feel love and direction. Strong, independent women really want leaders in their men and it equates to love and feeling wanted for us! Lead, make the plans, always always date your mate forever.

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