The dangers of dating a separated man are significant. Here are some dire situations to watch for when dating a man who is still married that so many women somehow overlook.
The Dangers of Dating a Separated Man
“Dear Ronnie, Love & Dating Coach for Women,
My intuition is telling me to walk away from my current romantic situation, but there are other factors involved and I don’t want to make a mistake. I bumped into an old flame in June and he asked me out on a date. He is currently separated from his wife and has been for almost two years. We are both in our 50s.
I went out on three dates with him before he told me that he’d told his wife about us. Within a week, he informed me that she was texting him constantly and putting him under a lot of pressure and he was feeling guilty. On our 4th and 5th date he suddenly went very cold on me. The last date was an absolute nightmare.
Sorting Things Out with the Wife
He then informed me he was going to see his wife to ‘sort things out and move on one way or the other’ and he hoped I understood! I was fine with that but, heard nothing for a few days. I was a little anxious when he eventually texted me. He said things were really bad between them and they had loads to sort out.
I said I wasn’t happy with how things were going between us and suggested I give him some space which he agreed to. He said he would text me when ‘his head was sorted’. That was over a month ago. I’ve had a few texts since, but nothing to indicate that we are getting back together.
Did I Push Him Away?
I bumped into him recently – he was a little drunk and all over me. I admit to pushing him to make a few dates along the way, but have never texted or called him first. I’ve not always been available to meet him, which he did not like.
I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him away or if it’s really his circumstances that are keeping him away. I have pushed guys away in the past and have tried very hard this time to be more aware of my actions.
Should I Move On?
Should I walk away or wait a while before moving onto someone else. I guess this is one of the dangers of dating a separated man. I’d appreciate your advice.
Left Hanging in Hingam, MA”
Dating Someone Who Is Separated
First off, this situation is EXACTLY why I warn women about the dangers of dating a separated man. And why I encourage you to avoid men who have not been divorced for at least a year. (Same thing goes for women too.) Before you enter the next dating situation, be sure to ask the man how long he’s been divorced. If it’s less than 9 months to a year, walk away!
Why Do You Like Him?
There are a number of things you mentioned that puzzle me about this liaison. I wonder why you’re interested in dating this man after…
- He went cold on you after three dates
- The last date was a nightmare
- He’s still clearly attached to his not yet ex-wife
- He stopped asking you out
- He’s not emotionally available
Any of these are reasons are enough not to see him again! What is it about him that makes him worth compromising your sense of self-worth and your time or affection?
You Are Compartmentalizing
When certain parts of a man capture your attention and cause you to overlook unattractive characteristics, that’s how you KNOW you are compartmentalizing. What does that mean? In your mind, you separate the things you like about this man from the things you don’t like, which you then ignore.
These traits are all PART OF THE SAME MAN. You cannot separate them! He is a package deal and you need to see him as a whole – the good and the bad. When you do, my bet is you’ll decide to move on quickly. No matter how cute, fun, intelligent, rich this man is, he is also emotionally unavailable, attached to his wife, and well…rude.
Read Between the Lines
When this man said to you he had to “sort things out,” that was ManSpeak for “I can’t see you any more.” You hung around wondering how long it would take. He said he hoped you would understand, but you missed his meaning. He was exiting the relationship. Next time a man says he’s got to sort stuff out, say GOODBYE because that’s exactly what he means.
All on His Terms
You said that perhaps you pushed him away by not being available when he wanted to see you. But you are allowed to be busy. On the other hand, you mentioned that you’ve pushed other men away and that’s worth looking at.
I encourage my clients to make themselves available when a man asks you out. I don’t mean cancel plans, but be sure to keep some open space in your calendar. If you can’t make a date, always suggest another time. In this case, it doesn’t sound at all like you pushed him away.
A Pawn in His Marital Drama Game
I can’t help but think he used you to make his wife jealous, one of the dangers of dating a separated man. Otherwise, why would he ever tell her about you? There’s only one reason – and that is JEALOUSY. I think he was hoping to get her back by dating you which is sort of a crummy thing to do all the way around.
Given everything I’ve explained in this post, I hope you see the wisdom and only real choice – move on to find a new man. You deserve better than dating a separated man and this kind of dysfunctional situation.
My Dating Coach Hopes for You
I hope you meet men who are divorced for more than a year and healed of the trauma. Consciously choose to date guys who are ready to date, are emotionally available, and seeking a serious relationship. The men you date should not text or talk on the phone during your date and show you far more respect and interest. Know you are worthy of a man’s full attention unless there is an emergency.
Wishing you love,
Want more insightful dating advice about not dating a separated man, not chasing men, and valuing yourself more? Download my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and get my newsletter too.