Are you asking how to get over a breakup without closure? I know how hard this feels. I lived through it myself! Check out these simple suggestions that sped up my recovery and will help you too.
Breaking up is horrible. When the man you love ends your relationship unexpectedly it’s devastating. Sometimes you don’t even get a proper goodbye. Men have been known to break up with their women on social media, through Facebook messenger, and by text. That’s so COLD!
Even when you break things off, it’s still emotionally difficult.
First, you want to know how to simply SURVIVE in the coming hours, days and weeks. And eventually, you’ll want to recover and heal so you can at some future point, find love again.
What’s the first step? Call a close friend and talk about it. Crawl under the covers. Get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Any or all of these ideas will help you deal with the initial shock of how to get over a breakup without closure.
The Story of My Breakup
When I was in my senior year of college, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up without one word. We had been out at a local bar and he got into a “mood”. He wanted to go home when the night was young. I was so tired of this, I gave him the keys to my car and told him I’d get a ride back to my apartment with friends.
When I got back, I told him to get his stuff together and I’d take him back to the dorm. He looked at me surprised. I just acted all normal and chatty. When we got to his dorm, he took his stuff out of the car, looked back in through the door at me and said, “Goodbye?” with a question in his tone. I said goodbye and drove off.
We never spoke again! No break up conversation and no closure. The University of Connecticut had 17,000 students and we didn’t travel in the same circles so, I never even saw him again. We didn’t get in touch to discuss.
It wasn’t easy but, it wouldn’t have been any better if we talked about it. We both knew it was over, even if he was surprised how it happened. He didn’t love me enough to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Somehow I realized this wasn’t going to work even though he was the love of my life at the time.
I don’t recommend this, I’m just sharing how my big breakup went down.
7 Simple Strategies: How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure
1. Closure Is A Myth
Most people think one thing that makes this process even harder is a lack of closure. The idea of closure is about fully understanding why the relationship ended so you feel satisfied. Really? Can you even begin to imagine such a place? I doubt it.
While many mental health practitioners and experts talk about gaining closure to heal from a breakup, there isn’t much clinical agreement to what closure is or exactly how you get it. Hmmm, now what are you supposed to do?
The shocking truth is, closure is a myth! And, the good news is you can and will heal without it. That’s a relief because in many cases there is no way to understand. Sometimes the reasons for a breakup remain a life-long mystery. Thankfully, you don’t need closure to shut the door on this part of your life and move on.
Instead of seeking closure, focus on ACCEPTANCE. Accepting where you are will bring you all the closure you actually need. You broke up and the relationship is over. Not resisting this fact will make the healing faster and easier.
I stewed over my breakup for years wanting closure. 10 years later I finally figured out I didn’t need it! Looking back I could see breaking up was the only thing to do.
2. It’s OK To Grieve
The end of a relationship is a loss you feel deeply, which means it’s OK to grieve. This is a normal part of life and each person grieves differently, so take your time. The feelings of grief often come in waves and this is to be expected. Again, don’t resist because that just prolongs the intensity. Grief is something time does heal so get your box of tissues and have a good cry or two.
3. Don’t Nag Him To Talk About It
I know you think talking about this will help. If you could know what he’s thinking and why he broke up with you then you could accept it right? Or maybe you are holding out to change his mind be talking it over. Too bad that DOESN’T WORK. This is not how to get over a breakup without closure.
The more you nag him to talk about it, the meaner he’ll be. Or he’ll start to avoid you and block you. None of this will help. Even though this goes against your best instincts, LET GO of your need to talk about it with him. You need space from him more than you need to hear the sound of his voice, look into his eyes, or get more explanations.
4. Limit Negativity
You might feel really angry at some point which is to be expected. It makes sense that a breakup will get under your skin and you may fantasize about retribution. However, getting back at him by doing or saying mean things will not actually help you heal. Often this promotes guilt, and when added to grief provides an extra emotional wallop you’d be better off avoiding.
Tempted as you may be to send nasty texts, leave ugly voicemails or post awful comments on Facebook, don’t do it. The regrets you suffer later overwhelm any short-term improvement in how you feel. Definitely not how to get over a breakup without closure.
I know of women who took drastic measures to get even like cutting his favorite leather jacket with scissors, keying his car or talking bad about him to friends and family. Ugliness never leaves a good taste in your mouth, nor can it change the breakup. It just makes you look crazy and that he was smart to leave you. Instead, choose dignity and take the high road.
I would also encourage you to manage your thoughts. Naturally you’ll think over every detail, looking for reasons or remembering good times. Negativity drags down your energy, making it that much harder to lift your spirits. So, if you can find a way to distract yourself to avoid an overdose of negativity, you will absolutely heal faster.
5. Distraction Is Your Best Friend
Whatever positive actions you can think of you can take your mind off the breakup, do them! This is a productive way to shift your focus and energy. It might not feel comfortable at first, but distraction can be a marvelous method to avoid over thinking and brooding which brings you down.
- Start a new project
- Do something creative
- Learn something new
- Visit or call a friend
- Watch comedies
- Pray or listen to something spiritual (doesn’t have to be religious)
- Say affirmations
- Set a new goal (other than love)
Then immerse yourself in these activities and channel that energy in these positive ways.
6. Increase Self Care
If you are the kind of woman who enjoys a little pampering, time to turn up the dial. More self care will sooth your soul and nourish your spirit. Whether you choose massage, Reiki or other energy work, mani-pedi, working out with a trainer, a new hair style or talking to a therapist, these methods ensure that you honor yourself and what you are going through.
You can turn to the plant kingdom for additional healing methods like aromatherapy with essential oils and Bach Flower Remedies. Both work on your emotions.
Epsom salts baths are inexpensive and have amazing healing properties. You can buy these salts at the drug store of less than $10 which provides enough for multiple baths. The salts draw out toxins and sooth your muscles.
7. Be Kind To Yourself
Some people have a tendency to beat themselves up, reviewing all the supposed mistakes you made that caused your man to leave. This is really cruel punishment at a time when you need to be extra kind to yourself. If you have a strong inner voice who deems you unworthy, please know that is not you true self.
Negative inner chatter is a learned behavior over time. It comes from parents, teachers, clergy and other authority figures, the media, siblings and people you look up to. The mean-spirited inner voice often says things you’d probably NEVER say out loud to another human being. So why put up with this way to treat yourself?
You’ve got to read Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carlson. This short book explains this inner voice and how to tame it. Super powerful, you’ll be really glad you got a copy if you beat yourself up often (and we ALL do it).
How To Get Over A Breakup Without Closure
So, now you know how to get over a breakup without closure. The fact is you don’t need closure at all and it’s mostly a myth. With seven soothing and empowering strategies to recover, you’ll be back on your feet soon and feeling better.