He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared – What does that mean? Why would a guy act so into me then stop and ghost me? Here are five possible reasons he pulled away.

He pursued me then disappearedWhy a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.  He seems to get you which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong. You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His disappearance is maddening, upsetting and disconcerting! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly. You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? It sometimes seems like an epidemic right? There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share five of the biggest reasons with you below.

1.Busy with Work or Study

A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. Same thing is true for studying to get his degree. Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else. If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too much invested in a man you’ve seen just  2-4 times. Hopefully you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men. Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman. It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do. Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN! You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happnes all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible. That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

All men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual. It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other persons feelings, wants and desires. On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. Men do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason. He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave” comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship. However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back. It’s a harsh truth but, the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

The Biggest Mistake Women Make

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth. Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate but, he is CHOOSING NOT TO. Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

He Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There is ONE THING you can do when a man disappears – NOTHING. Yes, leave him alone. Do not contact him, text him or call him. Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right. Move on with your life and leave him totally alone. Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back.

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared”, now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU. Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him. Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

20 responses on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

  1. Tee

    Hi I’m so confused. This guy I knew 10 years ago showed up in my inbox begging for another chance. We have found out we have so much in common even moved to the same state.
    He asked me to be in a relationship with him soon after dating for a few weeks. It was Beautiful and my prayers had been answered. He wasn’t a stranger so I felt safe with him. We are both active in church he’s even a “preacher”. Long story short he became inconsistent, no more dates. I reached out to him first and when I would wait it out to see if he would he wouldn’t contact me. I saw he was more important to me than I was to him. I was not a priority. It’s been 4 years since dating and I finally got someone I thought was worthy. Now my heart is broken. He’s telling me he didn’t hurt me, which makes me confused and more hurt. I never wanted to experience this pain again. It’s only 2 months and my heart has been destroyed by a guy that told me we would be each other’s last.

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tee, I know this is hurtful but if you close yourself off to love, you’ll never find it again. So you made a mistake. He certainly misrepresented himself! Even a preacher can be a heart breaker, insensitive and a liar. The mistake you made is trusting him BECAUSE you knew him. Every man you date needs to prove himself over time. If you hadn’t known him would you be this upset? You probably would have been more guarded to protect yourself. Give it some time because that does heal wounds. You’ll start to feel better in a few weeks. Then next time you date, don’t give your heart away so quickly. There are no guarantees in life and especially in love. Take time to get to know a man – 8-12 weeks of consistent dating before you decide he’s “The One”.

  3. Rita

    Hi Ronnie, I have been dating a guy for 2.5 months and met on Tinder. I really like him. We see each other once or twice a week. He always makes plan for the next date and we always have very good time. He talks about his personal life and he met my friends to hike last weekend. When he forgot his water bottle, we met and he invited me into his office and we saw his coworker. He introduced me as his friend. Two weeks ago, he held my hands when we walked on the street, but never again. He paid for my dinner twice and I bought him some drinks. There’s little communication between dates – he disappears. I initiate texting and he replies within 30-60 minutes, but keeps it short. He contacts me a day before to confirm our date. He only called once and we haven’t been physical except hugs and kiss goodbye. I feel frustrated with him and that he doesn’t like me enough. I see other guys to keep my options open, but so far I haven’t met other guys who I am interested in. I don’t know if I continue hanging out with this guy is a waste of time.

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rita, I can see why you are frustrated! Sounds like he wants to keep things causal so, he’s not the right guy for you. Luckily you haven’t shut down your options. And you recognize he doesn’t like you enough to get a solid relationship going.

    Just because you haven’t found someone else yet, doesn’t make him the “only guy out there”. Sometimes, letting go of the wrong guy opens the door for the right one. You could just end things. Or you could stop initiating texts to see what he does. If he reaches out- then see what happens next. But if he waits til the day before your next date again, cut your losses. I would think you’d want a man who is passionate about you, and this guy isn’t.

  5. Amy

    Hi Ronnie, I went on a great date last week, and left feeling like I had met the one. The guy texted me before I got home that night, saying he had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again and then he even texted me the following day. Since then, we tried to make plans but we both had planned commitments so I told him to let me know when he’s free next. He mentioned he was very busy with work this week, so I have backed off and haven’t contacted him. But it’s been 4 days with no contact, surely him sending me a text wouldn’t hurt? He is not interested? Thanks! Amy

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amy, You might not want to hear this but while he seems like a great guy, you know nothing about him yet. Maybe he is the one, but it will take time to know for sure. Definitely more than one date. He’s already given you the “I’m so busy excuse.” Now it’s been 4 days. Before texting that wouldn’t be considered a problem. If he doesn’t connect for a full week, then you may have discovered that he isn’t the one. The right man for you would want to get to know you and be in touch so he might be disqualifying himself as I write this. If after 7-10 days you don’t hear from him, then you will know he’s not genuinely interested, no matter how much fun you had together. If you want to keep from getting your heart broken, don’t jump to conclusions. Keep yourself in the present moment by saying to yourself, he seems good, but I’ll see.”

  7. Sarah

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy online four months ago, everything was great, he was calling me daily and texting me. He was also planning dates and the dates were great we had a great chemistry in all aspects. He said he really liked, I thought everything was great until he change one day, overnight. He stopped calling, just texting, he was busy to go out. I distant myself but then he asked me why I was acting different, I told him he changed but he ignored my message. After that he has been texting me here and there, he asked me out but when I told him we could meet on a weekend he ignored me. I don’t know if I should just ignored him if he cones back or confront him. I feel he met someone else, but then why he isn’t being honest.

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah, I know this is hard emotionally. But, this is your opportunity for self love and dating with your head and not just your heart. When you love yourself, you know that a man who ignores you, for any reason, can NOT be the right man. So when you ask if you should ignore him until he comes back, I say, do you want this kind of guy back? While everything was wonderful at the start something unknown has changed with him. Now you are seeing another side of him. This side is REAL and it’s PART OF HIM TOO. So even if it goes away – you will SEE THIS SIDE AGAIN. For some reason, he’s not the man you saw initially when things were good. Now, knowing this is true, are you sure you want him back? Women often want to confront and if that makes you feel better for standing up for yourself, you can do this. The result will not likely be that he comes back to you all loving. Men do not like confrontation – that’s why they ghost. So my dating advice is to calmly pull back and work on recovery. Then when you are ready go find a better man who can be consistent and knows you are the one for him.

  9. Kim

    Hi Ronnie
    I ended up back tracking to a guy I dated about 7 years ago(I know going back to an ex is never good) but he reached out and we spoke briefly about life and caught up. To make a long story short he came into some money and decided to do something nice for me but after that he hasn’t replied to any texts and he even stood me up last time I was supposed to see him. I’m not sure if the money which isn’t a lot played a role or me questioning him about standing me up ran him off cause he hasn’t replied since…hope this is enough info thank you.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, What’s to say? The guy is unreliable. He reached out, promised to buy you something and then disappeared. What do you need him for? If you believe in yourself and love, then please believe there MUST be a better man out there. You deserve better than this kind of treatment.

  11. Wendy

    I met this guy in December 2017 we started talking everyday. He told me he was going to come to see me in March 2018 but didn’t because his sister got sick or family problems. But we still talked for three days and then he stopped talking to me for three months! Then he came back saying he needed space because he is going through a lot and he made time here and there but not much. He doesn’t always answer me because of his work. It’s been weeks now. He says he loves me and me asked me out but I said no because I wasn’t ready. Finally I texted everything – how I felt and he called right away. He said, “I know it’s hard but we will together be soon. Then he never answered my text! I cry of madness because it was hard for him to get my attention and then he disappears. I asked if there was another woman – he said no. He even wanted to give me his fb account but I said no. I want to forget him but I really like this guy and I am only 18 year’s old and he is 19 years old!

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Wendy – You have gotten yourself all wrapped up with a man you NEVER EVEN MET! Not only that but he plays with your heart and mind cruelly saying he cares and then stops communicating. This is not love. You maybe feel something but real love comes from spending time together face-to-face. You have given your heart to a man and you don’t even know who he is or how old he is. He says he’s 19 but he could be 50. He is building his ego at your expense and he certainly DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If you want to find a real relationship, meet guys locally. Go out with girlfriends to find guys or try online. You are young nad finding guys is so easy at your age. what about guys from school? There are guys everywhere when you are 18 so open your eye, be friendly and find someone to date locally.

  13. Savannah A

    I’ve researched and maybe this article finally helped! I’ve had a male best friend for 11 years that has been in off and on relationship. He’s always had feelings for me, and we would flirt constantly but kept it on the friend level. He was done with his girl a year ago, came back to town and things heated up for one night. He ended up back with her. I distanced myself so I wouldn’t get hurt. He texts, flirts and vanishes and does a lot of future faking. Now he’s mad at his girl again and wants to move to live near me. His texts are aimed at hooking up and when I ask him if he be by, he vanishes. He cannot commit to a darn thing – only on his terms. I don’t know if he’s worth it anymore. Must be me? So any advice? I get tired of asking if he wants to hang out in person and him just ignoring me and ghosting.

  14. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Savannah, When you ask if it’s you, I will compassionately say “YES”, but not how you think I mean it. This situation is his doing, but it’s also on you because for YEARS, YOU PUT UP with a man who ghosts, ignores you and only wants things his way. That’s not my definition of a best friend or a boyfriend. It’s time to build strong boundaries and greater self respect, so you never again put up with another man like this. He comes around only when he has a fight with another woman. He strings you along for his own ego’s security because he fears being alone. Don’t let him do this any more. He’s giving you crumbs! Stop all communication, block and ghost him permanently. No need to explain yourself – he won’t understand, nor will he want to listen. Jjust stop and move on to find a man who will love and respect you.

  15. Savannah A

    Ronnie – thank you so much for replying to my post. I think at this point I can declare that this man is like a drug to me. He makes me feel sexy and wanted. I have tried to disappear and he always finds me. He’s changed cell phone numbers at one point. I think the worst part is when I start to heal, and move forward that’s when he suddenly shows up (not in person). Right now I am just torn because if he is leaving do I trust him and let him be a temp roommate until he gets his own place again? I know he is set in his ways, and he has some issues – a lot of which I know he has told me in confidence over the years. The last text he sent was basically telling me he wanted to c me wink wink. He won’t commit to a day.. he won’t even answer the phone when I try to call him. He also vanished when I ask him questions. So frustrating !!! Maybe deep down I think that since I have known him for so long, and we have shared a lot that I can help him? Oh boy…

  16. Lindsay Bragaw

    I met this guy on tinder 7/30/18 and he was in DC until the 31st. we FaceTimed and everything was so perfect. He wanted all the things that I wanted: relationship, close contact, religious meetings etc. Then before he went back home, he UBERed to my work and paid for my lunch. He messaged me immediately after telling me how he had a really good time. He also deleted his tinder account. A couple days go by and communication shortened; he said it was because he worked 2 full time jobs and got accepted into college. I understood and kept my distance until I realized that he blocked me on EVERY social media-even my number. I’m very upset and confused.

  17. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lindsay – what can I say – he’s a jerk! He may have just wanted to meet you and nothing more. He may have been on a dare. He may have wanted to boost his ego. He may have had a girlfriend and got caught cheating. Who knows? His behavior and withdrawal has nothing to do with you. Chalk it up to things that are stranger than fiction and find a way to laugh about him with your girlfriends. You’ll meet a man who wants a relationship if you just keep at it.

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Savannah – how can you possibly trust a man like this? He’s cruelly playing with your head and your heart. He’s a cad and a player! When you want a man’s love so much that you think of him like a drug, that is, sorry to say, not healthy. And probably not love. Please read the book Women Who Love Too Much – it’s a very powerful book that has helped countless women who feel the way you do. Take a step back to maintain your self-respect and sanity. Please get the book and read it.

  19. Nancy

    Ronnie,I met this guy on Bumble 3 months ago, he pursued me for over a month via text. I finally went on a date 2 months ago and we hit it off. We had another date 3 days later and spent the whole weekend together. Then again 2 weeks later (because I got sick) and another 2 weeks later we spent the weekend again. Everything seemed wonderful. But his texting changed and he won’t reply to my messages sometimes until the next day, it bothered me but I didn’t say anything. Keep in mind he’s still on Bumble talking to other girls and he knows I know. I really like him and when we’re together all his actions show that he reciprocates. And even when he disappears I text him once and I try to move on but he shows up again. Last weekend he met my sisters and told me he wanted me to meet his mom. Please advise on how I should proceed. Its driving me crazy inside. Thank you

  20. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nancy, I’m sure he likes you when he’s with you, but that doesn’t mean he wants ONLY you. His behavior shows you he’s not interested in being exclusive and he must think that’s OK with you since he knows you know he’s still looking. The thing to do is NOT text him when he disappears so you can see how long he goes without being in touch. If its more than a week – it’s time to move on. Most likely he’s not serious abut you, just enjoys your company. If you want love, this guy is probably not the one for you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *