He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared – What does that mean? Why would a guy act so into me then stop and ghost me? Here are five possible reasons he pulled away.

He pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.  He seems to get you which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong. You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His disappearance is maddening, upsetting and disconcerting! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly. You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? It sometimes seems like an epidemic right? There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share five of the biggest reasons with you below.

1.Busy with Work or Study

A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. Same thing is true for studying to get his degree. Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else. If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too much invested in a man you’ve seen just  2-4 times. Hopefully you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men. Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman. It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do. Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN! You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happnes all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible. That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

All men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual. It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other persons feelings, wants and desires. On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. Men do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason. He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave” comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship. However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back. It’s a harsh truth but, the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

The Biggest Mistake Women Make

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth. Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate but, he is CHOOSING NOT TO. Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

He Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There is ONE THING you can do when a man disappears – NOTHING. Yes, leave him alone. Do not contact him, text him or call him. Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right. Move on with your life and leave him totally alone. Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back.

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared”, now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU. Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him. Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

39 responses on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused, When something like this happens – it is jarring. But honestly, you are probably lucky he has withdrawn. You don’t need some wounded man who needs nursing back to emotional health – or one that will never be healed. I recommend not spending so much time with a new guy. When it’s so intense quickly, it usually burns out quickly. Next time, avoid long dates up front so your heart doesn’t melt before you know he’s worthy of your vulnerability.

  2. Confused, sad and blasted

    The sweetest guy I met in ten years – met first time at the lake, spent hours together, he took me to dinner on that same night – invited me for dinner 3 nights later, kissed me and my heart which was closed for ten years melted. Next date – more fun talks and then sex – but he was super nervous. Next date – hours of talking having fun – the moment I kissed him, he switched to another person – like he wasn’t sure he wanted to be intimate – but he went through with the motions and I was so confused. Then he just stopped, and I felt God Awful, like I made him do it – he said he was confused, sad something without giving any details about being five years old which changed him for life, got up put on his clothes and left. I get the feeling he was abused as child in a God awful way. I feel so sad. It’s been two weeks this night with zero contact.

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ja, No, his feelings didn’t change in one day, so something else is going on. It hasn’t been a full day yet. Maybe you did say something that bothered him or maybe he’s busy. Who knows? Sometimes a hot fling like this simply burns out as fast as it started. If a few more days go by with no contact, I guess that will mean he ghosted you and it’s over. I’m sure that will feel shocking. Bit in cases like this I always encourage people to remember the fun you had and let go. Sometimes it jump starts your desire so you go look for the real thing.

  4. Ja

    HI Ronnie – I started seeing a guy in my apartment complex 3 weeks ago (I’m 50 and he’s 39). We started pretty hot and heavy and have seen each other every day for 3 weeks. He lives down the hall so it was tempting for him to come down to my apartment and fix dinner, hang out, etc…He would always initiate texts during the day, he spent almost every night since we met and on days we’re both off work, he’d pop down 2-3 times a day, to say hi, bring me lunch, etc. This morning things have changed. He did not kiss me while being intimate (we are usually lips locked) and it is now 6pm (he left at 7am) and I have not heard from him. I’m not needy and he has always initiated, so I haven’t texted him but something feels different. Can a man change his feelings that quickly? Maybe I said or did something that freaked him out? (With our age difference I don’t think it would work out anyway.) Thoughts?

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Hann, I can see you are a romantic. It could be that he’s not capable of a real relationship, but more likely he’s married or has a woman in his life. So he snuck out one time to meet and keep your interest for his own ego. The fact that he never follows through on plans shows you he has no intention of seeing you again. I’m sorry he’s playing this selfish game with you. When a man cancels plans once, it’s OK to give him a second chance. If it happens twice, shut him down and move on. You might think this is mean, but it’s really for self-preservation to guard your heart. You’re sad after one date (which I do understand) because you got attached. But if you’re honest, you knew somewhere in your heart this wasn’t real. Learn to stay more objective, know that texting means NOTHING no matter how cute, and be sure a man meets your standards before you give your heart away. Raise the bar – a good man who was interested in you would never behave this way.

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rosa, Sorry this guy was so rude to you. But after he makes a plan with you, then cuts contact, your reaction is to bring him a gift to his hotel? This is not a smart move. He cut you off in this cowardly way because he doesn’t WANT contact. Maybe he’s bringing his wife with him. Just because he showed some aspects of his life doesn’t make him honest. Let go and stop hoping. These LDRs are fantasy and a waste of time as you can see from all the other comments. Please look locally for love if you want the real thing. Read this post on LDRs for more.

  7. Rosa

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy on Tinder, he said that he really likes me and wants to spend time with me when he comes to my country for a 2 weeks holiday (said he is looking for a serious relationship).. We have been talking for 2 months and got along well. After a month i told him I like him too. He said it’s getting too complicated and we need to cool down and let’s be friends -I thought there isn’t any harm to meet. The day of his departure we made plan to meet but a few hours later he deleted his social accounts so I cant contact him and have no idea what’s happened. I know which hotel he will be staying, so I dropped healthy snacks (that he said he’d like to try) and a note with my phone number for him.( isn’t the best idea is it?). PS. Everything about him was real i.e. we video called, I have his home address, I saw where he works, where he lives, his biz card, his parents etc..

  8. Hann

    Hi, I met a guy on tinder. He asked for my facebook and there we talked about daily activities. Finally he asked me out. We had a great time. When I got home I texted him that I had fun, the next day he told me that he woke up very hungry he forgot the real plan is to have dinner but we did not cuz maybe we had so much fun just talkin’ and walking. Since the we always chat and he always makes plan to meet again. But it never happens. I don’t know but he will always reply late whenever its time for the date that he planned! Its been like 2 days since we last talked. What is wrong with him? He’s sweet and when we’re texting he’d call me names like hun and sweetie and it seems like he likes it, but what now? So my last message was “everything alright?” And that’s it I won’t reached out again. It breaks my heart a little even though we just met.

  9. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alyssa, What a bummer! This is the problem with dating men who have not completed the divorce process. There is a lot of drama, limiting his emotional band width when it comes to you. So he withdrew. Divorce is often so painful – that’s how he flipped that switch. Chances of full recovery are, sorry to say, quite slim which stinks, I know. My advice is to let go and move on. If he comes back it will be a wonderful surprise. You might want to read this post on dating a separated man for more insight.

  10. Alyssa

    I met a guy 4 weeks ago on tinder. On our first date the chemistry was unreal! He mentioned he is currently going through a divorce and has a daughter. A red flag but, we hung out every day for 2 weeks straight! He planned cute dates and pursued me like crazy! Then.. last week I noticed a change. He distanced himself, wasn’t texting as much and barely giving me the time of day! When I asked why he was distant he said there is a lot of drama in his life and he’s trying to keep me out of it. At this point, we haven’t had a conversation in a week and I don’t know what to do. How can he just flip the switch that quick? Now I am stuck wondering if things will ever go back to how they were in the beginning or if I should just give up… :/

  11. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah, I hate to hear you are giving up! Perhaps you will rethink that with time. Did you think he would be permanent in your country? He went home. Maybe he had a woman back home, so he couldn’t talk and that’s why he blocked you. It might have nothing to do with your drunk texting and calling. While I’m sure that’s upsetting, it was only two months. Breaking up at the 3 month mark is so common, don’t take this to heart. You’ll get through it. I tell my clients when things like this don’t work out early on, know that something wasn’t right. Otherwise you’d be together. Honestly, how do you even know his father was the reason he went home? Let it go and when you are ready, move on to find another man – there’s a good man out there for you for sure.

  12. Sarah

    I met this guy who is shy, sweet and caring and we dated for 2 months. We started slowly once a week, then the whole weekend to finally three times a week. We talked about future together, etc. He said he fell for me. Suddenly his dad got ill, so he went back to his country. Our last night we promised to continue and made plans to visit. His last day I went to a colleague party, got drunk and called & texted a lot. (Nothing rude or harsh) Next day I texted to see how things are back home and got no reply. After few days I called him and he hung up when he heard my voice and blocked me on whatsapp. I’m deeply hurt, feel so betrayed & disappointment. Why he led me to believe there will be a future for us to then ghost me? I have no desire to date ever again as this is the 3rd time I’ve been ghosted, I can take more of this awful dating behaviour.Thanks.

  13. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Evelyn, I know this stinks but when a man pulls away and makes excuses, that’s the end. He doesn’t respond and then blamed it on you! Ha! You could show all the interest you want – it won’t change a thing as you can already see. Men often do this – pull away to avoid confrontation so you’ll do the dirty work of breaking up. Let him go. You are wasting your time. Go meet some new guys to find one who will stick with you. He’s out there but you’ll never meet him waiting around for this guy.

  14. Evelyn

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy on tinder last July. He dated for six times in a month. Dates were great and he drove to have dinners together. He said he likes me, wants to have a relationship, makes plans. I told him I liked him too. He texted intensely, called me everyday, talked on the phone for hours every night. One day, he stopped calling and texted less. Now I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. I reached out and got no reply. I messaged again, asking him why he stopped – he responded with excuses. He’s busy, feels I’m not really interested because I don’t initiates messages, and has personal problems lately. I tried to connect as much as possible thinking if I put more effort in, it might work out. But if I don’t reached out, I won’t hear anything. I feel like I was so desperate. I want to walk away but I’m torn – if I make him feel important, he might get interested again. I just need feedback from you.

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