He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

He pursued me then disappeared – What does that mean? Why would a guy act so into me then stop and ghost me? Here are five possible reasons he pulled away.

He pursued me then disappeared7 Reasons Why a Guy Acts Interested Then Backs Off

I’m guessing if you are reading this post, some guy did this to you. He came on strong and seemed so into you. Then suddenly he just vanished. Poof! Gone.

This is one of the most aggravating things about dating. Things are going great. You enjoy each other’s company and look forward to seeing him.  He seems to get you which feels great. While getting to know each other, you are having so much fun!

Then he pulls away and you are left wondering what the heck happened. You examine every conversation looking for something you said or did wrong. You blame yourself even if you can’t find anything to point to that would cause this.

His disappearance is maddening, upsetting and disconcerting! Your world just got turned upside down. How could this be? Everything was going so smoothly. You know he liked you too. Now what? You wonder if there is anything you can or should do to get him back.

Why do men do this kind of thing? It sometimes seems like an epidemic right? There are as many reasons for this behavior as there are men who do it. But I’m going to share five of the biggest reasons with you below.

1.Busy with Work or Study

A man who is very busy proving himself in his career or loving his work, that’s his first priority. Same thing is true for studying to get his degree. Which automatically means you are NOT his top priority. So you come after everything about work or school that needs his attention first. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you know he’s not the right guy.

2. Dating Other Women

When you first start seeing a guy and you’ve only had a few dates, assume he’s seeing other women. This could be exactly why he disappeared – he got interested in or distracted by someone else. If you’ve only had a few dates it can be a disappointment, but not that big a deal.

Don’t let yourself get too much invested in a man you’ve seen just  2-4 times. Hopefully you know how to avoid premature attachment to men you are still vetting over 6-10 weeks.

3. Not Happy with Himself

When a man is not happy with himself, his life or his career, he just can’t make you his main priority. Being unsettled creates a feeling of not being a good “provider” which gets in the way of building a strong relationship for men. Unfortunately, this is not something you can help a man get through. He has to find his way and this is definitely a reason why a man might disappear.

4. Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Some guys know they do not want a relationship. They don’t want ties, the expectations or the responsibility of being attached to a woman. It could feel like a giant weight hanging around his neck, holding him back from what he knows he needs to do. Don’t feel offended – this is not about you. It’s all him baby.

5. Needs Healing after Divorce or Breakup

You may think that you’ve met a great guy needs help getting over his ex. DON’T GET SUCKED IN! You might actually help him recover, but then 99.99% of men will skip out and move on to the next relationship. Happnes all the time.

This is because you remind him of a painful time when he was weak and needed help and so he wants to give himself as much space from that AND you as possible. That’s the thanks you’ll get for helping him. Don’t try to trade your nurturing for his love because you will not be rewarded.

6. Prefers to Keep It Casual

All men are not relationship ready. Some don’t want to get serious so they keep things casual. It’s easier and they avoid getting entangled in something demanding or restricting. When you are in a relationship you have to consider the other persons feelings, wants and desires. On the other hand, when casual – anything goes. There are no rules.

Some guys catch on that you want something more serious, so they disappear. Men do this thinking it’s nicer and less confrontational than some ugly emotional scene when you realize he’s not going to stick around.

7. Not Sure How He Feels

If you’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks and everything is going beautifully, then he suddenly disappears, there’s one more possible reason. He’s not sure how he feels about you. A lot of men need space to figure out emotional issues. This is where talk of the ‘Man Cave” comes in. They retreat to gain strength.

Now if he comes back in a week, that’s good news. He may have decided to move forward with you and your relationship. However, longer than 7 – 10 days doesn’t bode well. He’s withdrawn because he’s out and is no longer interested.

Countless articles have been written by experts promising ways to get your ex back. For the vast majority of situations, there’s NO WAY to get him back. It’s a harsh truth but, the only way a man returns to the relationship is IF HE WANTS TO.

The Biggest Mistake Women Make

Most women think if they could just understand what went wrong and talk to him, they could make things work. Nothing is further from the truth. Yet, the first reaction is to text, call, text, email. You might feel driven to reach out non-stop to get a hold of him and find out what happened.

Sadly, pushing to talk does not work. You know this is true because if he wanted to talk, he’d respond or reach out. He knows how to communicate but, he is CHOOSING NOT TO. Worse still, if there was any hope of him ever returning, you’ve just put the last nail in the coffin, killing that possibility by appearing weak and desperate.

He Pursued Me Then Disappeared! What Can I Do?

There is ONE THING you can do when a man disappears – NOTHING. Yes, leave him alone. Do not contact him, text him or call him. Don’t think that if you could talk to him, you could make things right. Move on with your life and leave him totally alone. Time apart might make him miss you and that alone could bring him back.

So if you’re wondering “why he pursued me then disappeared”, now you have seven reasons. Take note – none of them are about YOU. Not how you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. Nope, all seven reasons are about HIM.

Don’t blame yourself for his disappearance. Most likely, the reason he pulled away was not your fault. Take time to heal and get over him. Then move on to find a better man. A man who is relationship ready and knows you are the one for him. He IS out there, so do not give up! It’s never too late for love.

If you want to know how to smarten up about dating, get my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.

68 responses on “He Pursued Me, Then Disappeared! Understanding Men

  1. Dawn

    Thank you for your input! It’s hard to just let go of someone you love but I really had no choice. You are right about him…he was a jerk when I needed reassurance. I don’t regret asking him about his dating account being active, it was a valid question. If he truly cared about me then he would have handled it properly. Instead he gave me the silent treatment and acted like I committed a crime for questioning him. And yes, I did have some “red flags” about him…he had a revolving door of women in and out of his life. The woman he was seeing right before me was still showing up at his house trying to get answers as to why he dumped her. So he had “unfinished business” with her and that’s not a good sign. He probably treated her the same way he treated me. He also moved on right after me with a MUCH younger woman with 4 kids. She moved in with him 2 months later. Who does that???

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Dawn, Sounds to me like he went wrong, not you. You asked an important question, he was a jerk about it, and you shut him out. Good for you! Not sure if there were other signs earlier on causing you to question his integrity that you ignored, but you acted as soon as you had questions. That’s all you can ask of yourself.

    The only thing I want to mention is that “closure” is a fallacy. There is no way to get satisfaction from a situation like this. You would both need to see things the same way – and since you don’t, you’ll never have what you are looking for. The reality of closure is that it comes from within. The satisfaction of knowing you didn’t put up with his lack of honesty or bullying tactics and stood up for yourself – THAT IS CLOSURE! You took care of yourself and to that I say – CONGRATULATIONS. Be proud.

  3. Dawn

    I had a similar experience with a man I met on Match. I’m 48 and he’s almost 60, even though he’s older, we were very well matched. We started dating and he asked to be exclusive. The relationship turned serious and he said he wanted a life with me, talked about marriage and the future. I truly cared for him and I was very happy. Then I discovered his Match account was “still active.” Of course, I questioned him about it and he called me “juvenile” and denied it, then he got angry and shut me out for days. I attempted to talk to him but he refused contact. All I did was question his honesty and that’s how he treated me. I tried to reach out for about a week, and all I got was the silent treatment. Of courses the relationship ended and I even changed my cell number so he couldn’t contact me after he realized he screwed up. We’ve never spoken since. I was heartbroken and never getting closure or any decency in the end makes it worse. I truly cared for him and was ready for a committed relationship. Where did I go wrong?

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Tim, It’s worth a shot if you’ll be OK that she’s not into it. There’s no way to know before hand. So, my advice is to say you want to talk to her, start with an apology, briefly explain that you had too much going on (no need to explain anxiety details, etc.)but now things are good and you’d like to get to know her. That’s the best strategy. Then see what she says. I’d say it’s 50/50 but go for it. You don’t want to look back with regret wondering, what if I had said something?

  5. tim

    Hi I’m a guy and I’ve read through your article and comments. so 3-4 months ago I asked this girl I liked out she said yes. Long story short things at home and anxiety reached a high where I was at my worse. I basically shut myself away from everyone off and on for 3 months. Because of that I did not follow through with a date with her. I feel horrible about it.
    I want to explain myself to her and hope things work out. Do you think I have a chance?
    I see her once a week.

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confusion, I take it this is a long distance situation? It’s so romantic and quite the whirlwind when a man comes to visit and you travel together. Don’t blame yourself for sleeping with him – who could resist? And you have a nice memory. But it doesn’t mean this was meant to last or that you did something wrong that made him disappear. My advice going forward is to avoid long distance relationships and read up on why LDRs don’t work in these posts. I know your heart is breaking right now, but with time, you’ll start feeling better. When you do, please look for love locally. Don’t text more than 7 days without meeting. This way you won’t get caught up in the excitement about a man who you might never meet or who just wants a romantic faraway fling.

  7. Confusion

    Hi I’m so confused and can’t talk to anyone I know about this since I feel quite ashamed. I met this guy in December things were going really well, we messaged everyday, even if it’s just a hi (I know he’s a busy guy) we met up when he visited me and travelled together (I know this happened so fast) and even spent the New Years together, long story short I had sex with him and we carried on talking everyday then he just ghosted and hasn’t replied to my messages for nearly 3 weeks. He told me before he’s coming to visit me again at the end of this month but he hasn’t been replying to me for nearly 3 weeks and when we first met he did tell me the problem he has is that he’s very busy but for nearly 3 weeks and no reply yet he comes online. I don’t think he’s interested anymore although friends are telling me to wait (they don’t know I slept with him). I literally feel broken, sad and I know I won’t message him again but I feel so sad that it was going so well and then this suddenly happens

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Lost – f it takes two months to meet, that’s how you know a man is not really available, never mind his travelling which makes a relationship nearly impossible. He says his Dad is ill, but who knows? Maybe he has a woman in London – makes sense to me as a reason he suddenly stopped texting. To be honest, while you say he “pursued” you hard, texting means nothing and neither do all the sweet things he said. They are just words. It probably made him feel good too. In the future, only the actual time you spend with a man counts. So 4 dates in 6 weeks isn’t really that much. The texting caused you to build this up in your head unfortunately. Look for a man who can meet in 7-10 days and doesn’t travel so much if you want to find lasting love.

  9. Lost

    Hi Ronnie,

    I had a crazy Tinder experience. We chatted for a while but with schedules, we met the first time a couple of months later for lunch in NY. He went on a trip for 2 weeks right after. He invited me for drinks after Thanksgiving before his business trip overseas. I was traveling in the same country so we had a fun date there. He invited me to his local team’s dinner and told them his gf was coming. Super attentive and charming.

    After we returned to NYC, we dated twice and I stayed at his place. He travels a lot and was in London visiting family and texted me everyday saying the sweetest things. His dad was diagnosed with serious illness so he had to be back in London. He brought me a luxury wallet and texted me daily. He told me his dad’s condition worsened and couldn’t get back to NYC – traveling to Africa the following week for 9 days. Then he stopped texting me. I reached out asking how he was a day later and how his dad was. I got a cold and impersonal reply “my dad is fine thanks” and was ghosted from there… I don’t know why he pursued me hard and said all these things then just disappear.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lucy, Yeah I see why you are confused. But this will clear things up – he never had any intention of meeting you. You were just fun and feeding his ego. He’s probably married and when a woman gets tot eh point of seriously wanting to meet, he unfollows and starts again. Just a game for him. Read this post to fully understand why texting for more than 7 days is always a waste of your time.

  11. Lucy

    Hi Ronnie,

    I texted this guy for months. We got along really well. He asked me out a couple of times but cancelled. He apologized, but his unreliability made me step back with texting. He’d initiate the conversation and compliment me. I brushed it off that he has a busy life. He asked me out a 3rd time and everything seemed fine. Said he can’t wait to see me and I’m his “perfect lady” but he cancelled and didn’t apologize. I was disappointed so I put my foot down and told him that it was inconsiderate to cancel and not apologise. I didn’t get a response and I then found out he unfollowed me on social media. I’m so confused, why would he do this? I don’t understand how he could be so sweet, then just completely give me the cold shoulder…

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Bella, Sorry to say you’re far too attached for a casual relationship. You feel amazing when with him and sad and hurt when you’re not – that is not causal. What you have is intense chemistry – and I’m so sorry to say (and most experts agree), that’s not something on which you build lasting love. When you say he’s given you every indication he’s into you, I disagree. Instead, he’s demonstrating his lack of seriousness – seeing other women, pulling away and leaving you hanging. It’s great you can give him space, but that is not the solution. The solution is to find a man who doesn’t disappear or frustrate you. These are not the signs of a healthy relationship. it may be fun and exciting and the perfect transition romance, but I urge you to check yourself before you get your heart broken. Sleep with him and enjoy, but don’t get attached. He’s a player.

  13. Bella

    This is the best article I have seen on this topic. I am really into this guy I’ve seen for the last month and he has given me every indication that he is into me. I am just getting out of a 10-year marriage and he has never been married; he was engaged but it did not work out. When together, it’s amazing. He is the most amazing lover I’ve ever had. Yet, every time he pulls me close, he pulls away. I won’t hear from him for a few days and it’s so frustrating because I never know if or when I will see him again. I learned the worst thing you can do is pressure a man or nag him, so I gave him space. A week later, he called and I was overjoyed! I have to accept he is a Single Man, and used to his independence. He has a demanding job, and the last thing he wants is some woman asking him why he isn’t calling. The relationship isn’t serious, but I really like him and I miss him like crazy. He is the Man I have been longing for so I have to let him be. I’m sure he is seeing other Women and has a busy life and I feel hurt. I am a direct person, so not having any real closure or knowing what he is thinking is incredibly frustrating for me.

  14. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Hildur, I have no idea why he stopped talking to you or blocked you. But unfortunately, that means he no longer wants to be in touch. Honestly you are better off because long distance makes it really hard. You might want to read these posts about long distance relationships. Look locally for love – aren’t there plenty of cute guys in Iceland? Here on the east coast of the states – your home is the new hot vacation spot!

  15. hildur

    Hi Ronnie, I have been talking to a man for 2 months on whatsapp and badoo. He said i was cute and gorgeous, etc. I live in Iceland but he in France. He told me he was moving here and was going on a date with me. But now I am confused cause he blocked me I think. He seemed so nice and we talked a lot. Can you tell me what to think. Stupid of me to think he liked me. Why did he stop talking to me? Greetings from Hildur from Iceland?

  16. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Shelly, Honestly, talking to a guy means nothing since you haven’t met or been on a date. Why shouldn’t he be on the dating site? You aren’t dating! If weeks have gone by and he’s made no effort to meet you, he never will. Stop wasting your time with him and creating hope about this guy. The point of dating sites is to MEET and DATE. Don’t bother with these long distance guys who will build their egos talking to you and nothing more. Look for love locally if you really want to find the right man. Read these two posts about long distance relationships for more insights

  17. Shelly Messinger

    I’ve been talking to a guy on a dating site. Texts me good morning and we’ve talked on the phone once or twice a week. If he has plans on the weekend with his buddies I don’t hear from him – that’s understandable. He says he’s interested, wants a relationship and wants to come to Pennsylvania to see me [he’s from Virginia]. He says I’m sexy and gorgeous. What gets me upset is that he still on a dating site. I feel if he’s interested in me and wants a relationship with me, then why is he still on the site? I want to take my time and don’t want to push him away. I don’t really know him because we haven’t met yet. Should I let him text me and not text him and let him pursue me?

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Emma, I can’t say for sure if his panic is real or he’s just saying that. I could see how he might feel that way with your age difference. I’m not sure he used you either. But what I can say is that after 6 dates and sleeping with you, you went on a LONG holiday and that gave him a lot of time to THINK about things. Not that you shouldn’t have gone – that’s silly. But I have seen this before with just a week or two week vacation at the beginning of dating. It’s an interruption that can derail a budding relationship – even if he was in touch- it’s not the same as being together. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just let it be and leave him alone. That’s the only choice you have.

  19. Emma Crosby

    Hi, Thanks for the blog !
    I saw a guy for 6 dates we slept together. I went away on holiday for a whole 6 weeks he was in touch daily calling and wattsapp. Now he says he is panicking and doesn’t want to see me as he feels pressure to settle down as I’m 40 and he is 30. We went on lovely dates and he seeemd genuinely bowled over by my inside outside beauty ( his words more or less) Did he use me or are his concerns about my age genuine and might he come back ?
    Thanks,
    Emma

  20. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Das, I’m so sorry this has happened to you – this man played you. He knows a woman wants to hear about his long-term intentions, so he says that so you start to trust him. Then after two good dates, he’s got to have you which is fun and flattering and you let your guard down. Sadly, his plan was to sleep with you all along and once accomplished, he moved on. It can happen to anyone. Nothing suddenly happened that he got busy – he just got what he wanted and was done.

    This bothers you because he manipulated you! Next time a man comes on strong, saying he wants long-term only and no pressure for sex – That’s a sign! And then if he calls in the middle of the night, that’s a BOOTY CALL for sex. Put him off to see how many dates he’ll go without sex. If he is seriously interested, he’ll wait many dates because he’s enjoying your company and getting to know you. There is no magic number but I would wait 6 dates with the next few men. It’s a great way to weed out guys who aren’t serious. If you made this guy wait, he probably would have disappeared. But don’t look back! It’s time to move on, knowing more, feeling smarter and with a new plan to better recognize and handle manipulative men.

  21. Das

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy on tinder last month and texted the whole first night. The next day we met and the connection was great. He is doing PhD, travels for work, but said he does not want casual, but something long term. He said no hurry to have sex because he wants to go slow. The next days we texted and met over the weekend. He said he likes me a lot and looks forward to something serious. That evening we kissed and parted. At 3 am he texted to come over because he couldn’t stop thinking about me. We had sex and he stayed. The next morning he left and texted we need to postpone the next date because of his deadline he needs to work more. Eventually he stopped texting, I texted two days later to meet, but he said he’s too busy. After a week of no contact, I texted him I like him and if he feels the same we should talk about what can be done. He replied he likes me, but realized it’s not the right time. Now it’s been a month but I can’t stop thinking about him. What happened that he realized he’s too busy because when we started talking he knew about his study and work commitments. I have dated and been ghosted before, but this is bothering me. I think getting answers to my questions will help me to get over him, but then I’m scared I will sound so desperate.

  22. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sommer, It’s difficult to say since I wasn’t there, but I don’t think this was abut the wine. I think he felt unappreciated somehow for some time and the wine was the last straw. You said you were going through a lot and he was there for you, so it’s possible you leaned on him too much without realizing it, He sounds like a sensitive, nice guy and has probably been taken advantage once too often by a needy woman which is NOT your fault. But that created the “perfect storm” because that’s his sore point and you might have been needy. Then bam, he couldn’t take it anymore. So no, it wasn’t the wine. The lesson here is men are not confrontational about their feelings – they usually withdraw just like this guy did. The best thing you can do is get to a better place yourself before you date again. Your instincts are right there which is the good news. And showing true appreciation and offering a man praise can warm his heart.

  23. Sommer

    I’ve been getting played a lot lately so maybe you can tell me what I’m doing wrong. Just got out of a toxic relationship in July and was not looking for anyone. After my friends’ bday in August, I met a friend of her boyfriend and saw him again in September. He’s a musician so I reached out to record him. After a month of recording he asked me out on a date. Ever since we’ve been dating, hiking, he even took me out for my bday. We’ve had nonstop communication and everything seemed great! I’ve been going through a lot on my own, but he’s been here for me without me even asking. Sunday he wanted to come over, I asked if he could bring wine – he said yes. When he came over I noticed he didn’t have it, so I said “oh you didn’t get the wine?” He said “no I forgot but I’ll go back out and get some?” So I asked, “You don’t mind going across the street?” He shook his head and left. 30 minutes went by, I called and I went to voicemail. He responded to my text next- said I rubbed him the wrong way – I was more interested in wine than him. I apologized, but how could a man be so unforgiving over something so small? Why didn’t he say I made him feel bad? I understand I was wrong, but to not come back was low. Any advice? Was me asking about wine really a deal breaker? I feel like I need to avoid talking to anyone right now – I keep getting my time wasted and heart broken!

  24. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lorraine – oh no, sounds like you went for a couple of booty calls. A first date should be out in public, not at a man’s house. I”m sure it was fun and there’s nothing wrong with that if you don’t mind. Now he seems done. I recommend not sleeping with a guy for several dates. This is to guard your heart. Texting/talking is not the same as going on dates and I’m sorry to tell you that it means next to nothing. If you seek lasting love, you want a man to pursue you consistently for several weeks [which means weekly dates, a weekly phone call and then texting as a supplement] to indicate he is serious about his interest in you. I would ditch this guy and move on.

  25. Lorraine

    Okay so I’m in the same boat. I have been talking to this guy on and off for the last 4-5 months. I matched with him on tinder 2 weeks after he had gotten out of a three year relationship. After talking for the 4-5 months we finally met up last week. We hung out at his house, cuddled watched tv and had sex. Before we fell asleep he was telling me how much he liked me and that I am perfect. In the morning I had to head to work which he was trying to make me call out so I could stay longer. We texted a little the next two days and on the second he told me to come over because he got a puppy. Everything was amazing and was a great repeat of the first night we had together. He even told me he wanted to meet my family. I leave in the morning and we texted a little that night. The next day he is taking hours to respond to my texts. It’s been a couple days now and I still haven’t heard anything but I have left him be since he left me on read.

  26. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Tall Girl, I’m quite certain that you did nothing wrong so stop beating yourself up right now! If you think you haven’t heard from him because you don’t know songs by a particular band – you are really being hard on yourself. It’s time to lighten up and know that you are a wonderful woman and he’d be lucky to have your attention. If he doesn’t see that – then he is automatically not the man for you. The right man will think you are adorable not knowing what the band sings and would ask you out again so he could teach you that. Build your self-esteem and self-worth. Shore of your confidence and remember you are a great catch!

  27. Tall girl

    I just went on two dates with someone.Then he seems to have disappeared. But why on earth was he so complimentary – multiple compliments over the coarse of the evening – look beautiful, dress well, sexy eyes, good kisser (just a little one in the car) – etc. Now nada. And I am beating myself up about something small and silly. He loves several bands – which I have heard of, but do not know that well. I hate feeling like he thought I was misrepresenting myself by saying that I know a band, but could not name specific songs that I liked. I am very careful to be truthful about myself, but he was really into music and I feel like I failed somehow.

  28. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Maria, Yes, he’s stringing you along. It’s been 7 months since he was in touch, you’ve never met and now he’s back? Who needs him? Don’t you want go on dates and kiss someone? There’s nothing here. Block and unfriend him with no explanation and please locally for a man to date. He’s not seriously interested in your one bit. Read this post on long distance relationships if you want to get really clear.

  29. Maria

    I met a guy on Tinder. He seemed really nice and emailed consistently for a month. He wanted to talk on FB and he asked me to add him which I did. Then poof I didn’t hear from him. I´m not sure if he waited to hear from me cause I’ve never initiated before. Also at the time he was staying in Europe and I was in America so maybe he didn’t want to do the long distance thing I´m not sure. Then yesterday out of the blue he contacted me almost 7 months later. I now moved back to Europe and I work off and on in the country where he lives. Not sure what to do here. I don´t want to waste my time of someone who is stringing me along or not really interested.

  30. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused, When something like this happens – it is jarring. But honestly, you are probably lucky he has withdrawn. You don’t need some wounded man who needs nursing back to emotional health – or one that will never be healed. I recommend not spending so much time with a new guy. When it’s so intense quickly, it usually burns out quickly. Next time, avoid long dates up front so your heart doesn’t melt before you know he’s worthy of your vulnerability.

  31. Confused, sad and blasted

    The sweetest guy I met in ten years – met first time at the lake, spent hours together, he took me to dinner on that same night – invited me for dinner 3 nights later, kissed me and my heart which was closed for ten years melted. Next date – more fun talks and then sex – but he was super nervous. Next date – hours of talking having fun – the moment I kissed him, he switched to another person – like he wasn’t sure he wanted to be intimate – but he went through with the motions and I was so confused. Then he just stopped, and I felt God Awful, like I made him do it – he said he was confused, sad something without giving any details about being five years old which changed him for life, got up put on his clothes and left. I get the feeling he was abused as child in a God awful way. I feel so sad. It’s been two weeks this night with zero contact.

  32. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ja, No, his feelings didn’t change in one day, so something else is going on. It hasn’t been a full day yet. Maybe you did say something that bothered him or maybe he’s busy. Who knows? Sometimes a hot fling like this simply burns out as fast as it started. If a few more days go by with no contact, I guess that will mean he ghosted you and it’s over. I’m sure that will feel shocking. Bit in cases like this I always encourage people to remember the fun you had and let go. Sometimes it jump starts your desire so you go look for the real thing.

  33. Ja

    HI Ronnie – I started seeing a guy in my apartment complex 3 weeks ago (I’m 50 and he’s 39). We started pretty hot and heavy and have seen each other every day for 3 weeks. He lives down the hall so it was tempting for him to come down to my apartment and fix dinner, hang out, etc…He would always initiate texts during the day, he spent almost every night since we met and on days we’re both off work, he’d pop down 2-3 times a day, to say hi, bring me lunch, etc. This morning things have changed. He did not kiss me while being intimate (we are usually lips locked) and it is now 6pm (he left at 7am) and I have not heard from him. I’m not needy and he has always initiated, so I haven’t texted him but something feels different. Can a man change his feelings that quickly? Maybe I said or did something that freaked him out? (With our age difference I don’t think it would work out anyway.) Thoughts?

  34. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Hann, I can see you are a romantic. It could be that he’s not capable of a real relationship, but more likely he’s married or has a woman in his life. So he snuck out one time to meet and keep your interest for his own ego. The fact that he never follows through on plans shows you he has no intention of seeing you again. I’m sorry he’s playing this selfish game with you. When a man cancels plans once, it’s OK to give him a second chance. If it happens twice, shut him down and move on. You might think this is mean, but it’s really for self-preservation to guard your heart. You’re sad after one date (which I do understand) because you got attached. But if you’re honest, you knew somewhere in your heart this wasn’t real. Learn to stay more objective, know that texting means NOTHING no matter how cute, and be sure a man meets your standards before you give your heart away. Raise the bar – a good man who was interested in you would never behave this way.

  35. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rosa, Sorry this guy was so rude to you. But after he makes a plan with you, then cuts contact, your reaction is to bring him a gift to his hotel? This is not a smart move. He cut you off in this cowardly way because he doesn’t WANT contact. Maybe he’s bringing his wife with him. Just because he showed some aspects of his life doesn’t make him honest. Let go and stop hoping. These LDRs are fantasy and a waste of time as you can see from all the other comments. Please look locally for love if you want the real thing. Read this post on LDRs for more.

  36. Rosa

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy on Tinder, he said that he really likes me and wants to spend time with me when he comes to my country for a 2 weeks holiday (said he is looking for a serious relationship).. We have been talking for 2 months and got along well. After a month i told him I like him too. He said it’s getting too complicated and we need to cool down and let’s be friends -I thought there isn’t any harm to meet. The day of his departure we made plan to meet but a few hours later he deleted his social accounts so I cant contact him and have no idea what’s happened. I know which hotel he will be staying, so I dropped healthy snacks (that he said he’d like to try) and a note with my phone number for him.( isn’t the best idea is it?). PS. Everything about him was real i.e. we video called, I have his home address, I saw where he works, where he lives, his biz card, his parents etc..

  37. Hann

    Hi, I met a guy on tinder. He asked for my facebook and there we talked about daily activities. Finally he asked me out. We had a great time. When I got home I texted him that I had fun, the next day he told me that he woke up very hungry he forgot the real plan is to have dinner but we did not cuz maybe we had so much fun just talkin’ and walking. Since the we always chat and he always makes plan to meet again. But it never happens. I don’t know but he will always reply late whenever its time for the date that he planned! Its been like 2 days since we last talked. What is wrong with him? He’s sweet and when we’re texting he’d call me names like hun and sweetie and it seems like he likes it, but what now? So my last message was “everything alright?” And that’s it I won’t reached out again. It breaks my heart a little even though we just met.

  38. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alyssa, What a bummer! This is the problem with dating men who have not completed the divorce process. There is a lot of drama, limiting his emotional band width when it comes to you. So he withdrew. Divorce is often so painful – that’s how he flipped that switch. Chances of full recovery are, sorry to say, quite slim which stinks, I know. My advice is to let go and move on. If he comes back it will be a wonderful surprise. You might want to read this post on dating a separated man for more insight.

  39. Alyssa

    I met a guy 4 weeks ago on tinder. On our first date the chemistry was unreal! He mentioned he is currently going through a divorce and has a daughter. A red flag but, we hung out every day for 2 weeks straight! He planned cute dates and pursued me like crazy! Then.. last week I noticed a change. He distanced himself, wasn’t texting as much and barely giving me the time of day! When I asked why he was distant he said there is a lot of drama in his life and he’s trying to keep me out of it. At this point, we haven’t had a conversation in a week and I don’t know what to do. How can he just flip the switch that quick? Now I am stuck wondering if things will ever go back to how they were in the beginning or if I should just give up… :/

  40. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah, I hate to hear you are giving up! Perhaps you will rethink that with time. Did you think he would be permanent in your country? He went home. Maybe he had a woman back home, so he couldn’t talk and that’s why he blocked you. It might have nothing to do with your drunk texting and calling. While I’m sure that’s upsetting, it was only two months. Breaking up at the 3 month mark is so common, don’t take this to heart. You’ll get through it. I tell my clients when things like this don’t work out early on, know that something wasn’t right. Otherwise you’d be together. Honestly, how do you even know his father was the reason he went home? Let it go and when you are ready, move on to find another man – there’s a good man out there for you for sure.

  41. Sarah

    I met this guy who is shy, sweet and caring and we dated for 2 months. We started slowly once a week, then the whole weekend to finally three times a week. We talked about future together, etc. He said he fell for me. Suddenly his dad got ill, so he went back to his country. Our last night we promised to continue and made plans to visit. His last day I went to a colleague party, got drunk and called & texted a lot. (Nothing rude or harsh) Next day I texted to see how things are back home and got no reply. After few days I called him and he hung up when he heard my voice and blocked me on whatsapp. I’m deeply hurt, feel so betrayed & disappointment. Why he led me to believe there will be a future for us to then ghost me? I have no desire to date ever again as this is the 3rd time I’ve been ghosted, I can take more of this awful dating behaviour.Thanks.

  42. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Evelyn, I know this stinks but when a man pulls away and makes excuses, that’s the end. He doesn’t respond and then blamed it on you! Ha! You could show all the interest you want – it won’t change a thing as you can already see. Men often do this – pull away to avoid confrontation so you’ll do the dirty work of breaking up. Let him go. You are wasting your time. Go meet some new guys to find one who will stick with you. He’s out there but you’ll never meet him waiting around for this guy.

  43. Evelyn

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy on tinder last July. He dated for six times in a month. Dates were great and he drove to have dinners together. He said he likes me, wants to have a relationship, makes plans. I told him I liked him too. He texted intensely, called me everyday, talked on the phone for hours every night. One day, he stopped calling and texted less. Now I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. I reached out and got no reply. I messaged again, asking him why he stopped – he responded with excuses. He’s busy, feels I’m not really interested because I don’t initiates messages, and has personal problems lately. I tried to connect as much as possible thinking if I put more effort in, it might work out. But if I don’t reached out, I won’t hear anything. I feel like I was so desperate. I want to walk away but I’m torn – if I make him feel important, he might get interested again. I just need feedback from you.

  44. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jasmine, Good for you for not initiating! Dating is a youthful activity and sadly, there is no such thing as mature dating. Men tend to drift away when not interested or unsure of what they want (women do this too). While most women claim they want to know why – you really don’t. Knowing, even if you could get a straight answer, wouldn’t help at all. Here’s the thing about dating: “Managing Expectations”. When you are dating, even a man you knew from your past, expect nothing and stay neutral. That’s the best way to not get disappointed. People do strange things that make no sense. I recommend letting go of men who are not consistent and don’t make an effort to see you. If a man doesn’t ask for a second date with 7-10 days, he probably won’t. And if he does, he’s not serious about you or maybe about love. You deserve love – try again!

  45. Jasmine

    I am 53. I divorced when my son was 6 months old and as a single mom with a demanding career, dating/getting seriously involved was not a priority. My son is an adult now and has a successful career in the U.S. Navy. I was recently contacted by a classmate from high school through my sister and agreed to go on a date. We’re the same age and he is also divorced. We had a nice time and I expected that we would keep in touch and go out again. This was 2 months ago. At first, he would text a few times a week – then the time in between kept increasing. While I have not initiated any text with him I have replied when he contacted me. I won’t allow myself to contact him because I think his behavior is really adolescent and I am no longer interested in continuing to communicate with him. But, I must admit, I was curious to get a better understanding of this dysfunction, “ghosting’ and came across your article. Appreciate your reply, thank you.

  46. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nicole, You didn’t mess up anything. I”m sure he did “like” you, but he was honest and doesn’t want a relationship. That means he doesn’t want friendship either – he doesn’t want any expectations put on him. Women often think something like this is their fault but there is NO Fault. It’s just not a match. You sound like a sweet woman – my dating advice is to build your self-esteem and recognize your value. That way you won’t be heartbroken when a guy disappears after two dates which makes dating too emotional and difficult. When you feel good about yourself, you realize this was about him, not you, and you won’t settle for friendship when love isn’t available. There’s a better man who is ready – go find him!

  47. Nicole

    Hi Ronnie. I met a guy on Match. We had great communication online and met up for the first date. It went well and he gave me a gift (freebies from work). He said he wanted to see me again so I suggested seeing a movie. At the end of the movie, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. It took me by surprise since we didn’t talk much during the movie. We made out. Two days later, he said although he had a really good time with me that he was not ready for dating/relationship and that Match was his dad’s idea, not something he wanted to do. We wished each other well. I barely knew him but I was still heartbroken because I had never met anyone like him before. A week later, I reached out saying I hope we can still be friends and wished him good luck on his job search. I got no response from him. This happened 4 months again. Did I mess up here or was he never interested to begin with?

  48. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nancy, I’m sure he likes you when he’s with you, but that doesn’t mean he wants ONLY you. His behavior shows you he’s not interested in being exclusive and he must think that’s OK with you since he knows you know he’s still looking. The thing to do is NOT text him when he disappears so you can see how long he goes without being in touch. If its more than a week – it’s time to move on. Most likely he’s not serious abut you, just enjoys your company. If you want love, this guy is probably not the one for you.

  49. Nancy

    Ronnie,I met this guy on Bumble 3 months ago, he pursued me for over a month via text. I finally went on a date 2 months ago and we hit it off. We had another date 3 days later and spent the whole weekend together. Then again 2 weeks later (because I got sick) and another 2 weeks later we spent the weekend again. Everything seemed wonderful. But his texting changed and he won’t reply to my messages sometimes until the next day, it bothered me but I didn’t say anything. Keep in mind he’s still on Bumble talking to other girls and he knows I know. I really like him and when we’re together all his actions show that he reciprocates. And even when he disappears I text him once and I try to move on but he shows up again. Last weekend he met my sisters and told me he wanted me to meet his mom. Please advise on how I should proceed. Its driving me crazy inside. Thank you

  50. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Savannah – how can you possibly trust a man like this? He’s cruelly playing with your head and your heart. He’s a cad and a player! When you want a man’s love so much that you think of him like a drug, that is, sorry to say, not healthy. And probably not love. Please read the book Women Who Love Too Much – it’s a very powerful book that has helped countless women who feel the way you do. Take a step back to maintain your self-respect and sanity. Please get the book and read it.

  51. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lindsay – what can I say – he’s a jerk! He may have just wanted to meet you and nothing more. He may have been on a dare. He may have wanted to boost his ego. He may have had a girlfriend and got caught cheating. Who knows? His behavior and withdrawal has nothing to do with you. Chalk it up to things that are stranger than fiction and find a way to laugh about him with your girlfriends. You’ll meet a man who wants a relationship if you just keep at it.

  52. Lindsay Bragaw

    I met this guy on tinder 7/30/18 and he was in DC until the 31st. we FaceTimed and everything was so perfect. He wanted all the things that I wanted: relationship, close contact, religious meetings etc. Then before he went back home, he UBERed to my work and paid for my lunch. He messaged me immediately after telling me how he had a really good time. He also deleted his tinder account. A couple days go by and communication shortened; he said it was because he worked 2 full time jobs and got accepted into college. I understood and kept my distance until I realized that he blocked me on EVERY social media-even my number. I’m very upset and confused.

  53. Savannah A

    Ronnie – thank you so much for replying to my post. I think at this point I can declare that this man is like a drug to me. He makes me feel sexy and wanted. I have tried to disappear and he always finds me. He’s changed cell phone numbers at one point. I think the worst part is when I start to heal, and move forward that’s when he suddenly shows up (not in person). Right now I am just torn because if he is leaving do I trust him and let him be a temp roommate until he gets his own place again? I know he is set in his ways, and he has some issues – a lot of which I know he has told me in confidence over the years. The last text he sent was basically telling me he wanted to c me wink wink. He won’t commit to a day.. he won’t even answer the phone when I try to call him. He also vanished when I ask him questions. So frustrating !!! Maybe deep down I think that since I have known him for so long, and we have shared a lot that I can help him? Oh boy…

  54. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Savannah, When you ask if it’s you, I will compassionately say “YES”, but not how you think I mean it. This situation is his doing, but it’s also on you because for YEARS, YOU PUT UP with a man who ghosts, ignores you and only wants things his way. That’s not my definition of a best friend or a boyfriend. It’s time to build strong boundaries and greater self respect, so you never again put up with another man like this. He comes around only when he has a fight with another woman. He strings you along for his own ego’s security because he fears being alone. Don’t let him do this any more. He’s giving you crumbs! Stop all communication, block and ghost him permanently. No need to explain yourself – he won’t understand, nor will he want to listen. Jjust stop and move on to find a man who will love and respect you.

  55. Savannah A

    I’ve researched and maybe this article finally helped! I’ve had a male best friend for 11 years that has been in off and on relationship. He’s always had feelings for me, and we would flirt constantly but kept it on the friend level. He was done with his girl a year ago, came back to town and things heated up for one night. He ended up back with her. I distanced myself so I wouldn’t get hurt. He texts, flirts and vanishes and does a lot of future faking. Now he’s mad at his girl again and wants to move to live near me. His texts are aimed at hooking up and when I ask him if he be by, he vanishes. He cannot commit to a darn thing – only on his terms. I don’t know if he’s worth it anymore. Must be me? So any advice? I get tired of asking if he wants to hang out in person and him just ignoring me and ghosting.

  56. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Wendy – You have gotten yourself all wrapped up with a man you NEVER EVEN MET! Not only that but he plays with your heart and mind cruelly saying he cares and then stops communicating. This is not love. You maybe feel something but real love comes from spending time together face-to-face. You have given your heart to a man and you don’t even know who he is or how old he is. He says he’s 19 but he could be 50. He is building his ego at your expense and he certainly DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If you want to find a real relationship, meet guys locally. Go out with girlfriends to find guys or try online. You are young nad finding guys is so easy at your age. what about guys from school? There are guys everywhere when you are 18 so open your eye, be friendly and find someone to date locally.

  57. Wendy

    I met this guy in December 2017 we started talking everyday. He told me he was going to come to see me in March 2018 but didn’t because his sister got sick or family problems. But we still talked for three days and then he stopped talking to me for three months! Then he came back saying he needed space because he is going through a lot and he made time here and there but not much. He doesn’t always answer me because of his work. It’s been weeks now. He says he loves me and me asked me out but I said no because I wasn’t ready. Finally I texted everything – how I felt and he called right away. He said, “I know it’s hard but we will together be soon. Then he never answered my text! I cry of madness because it was hard for him to get my attention and then he disappears. I asked if there was another woman – he said no. He even wanted to give me his fb account but I said no. I want to forget him but I really like this guy and I am only 18 year’s old and he is 19 years old!

  58. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, What’s to say? The guy is unreliable. He reached out, promised to buy you something and then disappeared. What do you need him for? If you believe in yourself and love, then please believe there MUST be a better man out there. You deserve better than this kind of treatment.

  59. Kim

    Hi Ronnie
    I ended up back tracking to a guy I dated about 7 years ago(I know going back to an ex is never good) but he reached out and we spoke briefly about life and caught up. To make a long story short he came into some money and decided to do something nice for me but after that he hasn’t replied to any texts and he even stood me up last time I was supposed to see him. I’m not sure if the money which isn’t a lot played a role or me questioning him about standing me up ran him off cause he hasn’t replied since…hope this is enough info thank you.

  60. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah, I know this is hard emotionally. But, this is your opportunity for self love and dating with your head and not just your heart. When you love yourself, you know that a man who ignores you, for any reason, can NOT be the right man. So when you ask if you should ignore him until he comes back, I say, do you want this kind of guy back? While everything was wonderful at the start something unknown has changed with him. Now you are seeing another side of him. This side is REAL and it’s PART OF HIM TOO. So even if it goes away – you will SEE THIS SIDE AGAIN. For some reason, he’s not the man you saw initially when things were good. Now, knowing this is true, are you sure you want him back? Women often want to confront and if that makes you feel better for standing up for yourself, you can do this. The result will not likely be that he comes back to you all loving. Men do not like confrontation – that’s why they ghost. So my dating advice is to calmly pull back and work on recovery. Then when you are ready go find a better man who can be consistent and knows you are the one for him.

  61. Sarah

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy online four months ago, everything was great, he was calling me daily and texting me. He was also planning dates and the dates were great we had a great chemistry in all aspects. He said he really liked, I thought everything was great until he change one day, overnight. He stopped calling, just texting, he was busy to go out. I distant myself but then he asked me why I was acting different, I told him he changed but he ignored my message. After that he has been texting me here and there, he asked me out but when I told him we could meet on a weekend he ignored me. I don’t know if I should just ignored him if he cones back or confront him. I feel he met someone else, but then why he isn’t being honest.

  62. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Amy, You might not want to hear this but while he seems like a great guy, you know nothing about him yet. Maybe he is the one, but it will take time to know for sure. Definitely more than one date. He’s already given you the “I’m so busy excuse.” Now it’s been 4 days. Before texting that wouldn’t be considered a problem. If he doesn’t connect for a full week, then you may have discovered that he isn’t the one. The right man for you would want to get to know you and be in touch so he might be disqualifying himself as I write this. If after 7-10 days you don’t hear from him, then you will know he’s not genuinely interested, no matter how much fun you had together. If you want to keep from getting your heart broken, don’t jump to conclusions. Keep yourself in the present moment by saying to yourself, he seems good, but I’ll see.”

  63. Amy

    Hi Ronnie, I went on a great date last week, and left feeling like I had met the one. The guy texted me before I got home that night, saying he had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again and then he even texted me the following day. Since then, we tried to make plans but we both had planned commitments so I told him to let me know when he’s free next. He mentioned he was very busy with work this week, so I have backed off and haven’t contacted him. But it’s been 4 days with no contact, surely him sending me a text wouldn’t hurt? He is not interested? Thanks! Amy

  64. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rita, I can see why you are frustrated! Sounds like he wants to keep things causal so, he’s not the right guy for you. Luckily you haven’t shut down your options. And you recognize he doesn’t like you enough to get a solid relationship going.

    Just because you haven’t found someone else yet, doesn’t make him the “only guy out there”. Sometimes, letting go of the wrong guy opens the door for the right one. You could just end things. Or you could stop initiating texts to see what he does. If he reaches out- then see what happens next. But if he waits til the day before your next date again, cut your losses. I would think you’d want a man who is passionate about you, and this guy isn’t.

  65. Rita

    Hi Ronnie, I have been dating a guy for 2.5 months and met on Tinder. I really like him. We see each other once or twice a week. He always makes plan for the next date and we always have very good time. He talks about his personal life and he met my friends to hike last weekend. When he forgot his water bottle, we met and he invited me into his office and we saw his coworker. He introduced me as his friend. Two weeks ago, he held my hands when we walked on the street, but never again. He paid for my dinner twice and I bought him some drinks. There’s little communication between dates – he disappears. I initiate texting and he replies within 30-60 minutes, but keeps it short. He contacts me a day before to confirm our date. He only called once and we haven’t been physical except hugs and kiss goodbye. I feel frustrated with him and that he doesn’t like me enough. I see other guys to keep my options open, but so far I haven’t met other guys who I am interested in. I don’t know if I continue hanging out with this guy is a waste of time.

  66. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tee, I know this is hurtful but if you close yourself off to love, you’ll never find it again. So you made a mistake. He certainly misrepresented himself! Even a preacher can be a heart breaker, insensitive and a liar. The mistake you made is trusting him BECAUSE you knew him. Every man you date needs to prove himself over time. If you hadn’t known him would you be this upset? You probably would have been more guarded to protect yourself. Give it some time because that does heal wounds. You’ll start to feel better in a few weeks. Then next time you date, don’t give your heart away so quickly. There are no guarantees in life and especially in love. Take time to get to know a man – 8-12 weeks of consistent dating before you decide he’s “The One”.

  67. Tee

    Hi I’m so confused. This guy I knew 10 years ago showed up in my inbox begging for another chance. We have found out we have so much in common even moved to the same state.
    He asked me to be in a relationship with him soon after dating for a few weeks. It was Beautiful and my prayers had been answered. He wasn’t a stranger so I felt safe with him. We are both active in church he’s even a “preacher”. Long story short he became inconsistent, no more dates. I reached out to him first and when I would wait it out to see if he would he wouldn’t contact me. I saw he was more important to me than I was to him. I was not a priority. It’s been 4 years since dating and I finally got someone I thought was worthy. Now my heart is broken. He’s telling me he didn’t hurt me, which makes me confused and more hurt. I never wanted to experience this pain again. It’s only 2 months and my heart has been destroyed by a guy that told me we would be each other’s last.

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