Stop Texting Him and See What Happens – Understanding Men

What if you stop texting him and see what happens? Don’t text him! This is a great strategy to find out if a man is genuinely interested or just likes texting.

Stop texting Him - woman textingIs He Really Interested?

I bet this has happened to you. You meet a guy online and he asks for your number or you’re on Dating Apps and start texting.

Texting is fun! Sometimes it’s fast and furious and other times just morning and night.

As time goes by you feel a connection and wonder when you’ll meet. Anticipation builds. Maybe you suggest getting together for coffee and he agrees.

Yes! Somehow though, things never come together and he doesn’t set a time or place. Texting continues.

What is this about and why won’t he find the time to see you?

Texting On and Off

Another scenario is that you text with him sporadically.

There are times when you have whole conversations, then next thing you know he goes dark and you wonder where he went.

Is he OK, seeing someone else or just busy at work?

You text him to see what’s up and say something cute the first time. He bounces in and the texts begin again, then slows and he ghosts.

You text again to ask if everything is OK? This behavior is so confusing and you feel frustrated. You still haven’t met this guy and this on and off thing is getting to you.

So when things slow down, you do your best to keep it moving and maintain the connection.

The problem is you’ve already invested so much time and now you really like him.

Tempted to Text and Find Out What Is Going On?

should I text him man with jacket over shoulderDoes he like you or not? It seems like such a simple thing so why do men make dating so difficult?

I know that’s what prompts you to contact him and text again. You think, “Hey, I’ll just text him and ask what’s going on? Honesty between adults should be the best way to go.”

So you text and say something like, “Are you still interested? If not, it’s OK. I just want to know.” That should be easy for him to respond to – he can’t just say, “No thanks.” Or, “Sorry, I’m seeing someone else.”

Trouble is men tend NOT to answer direct questions like this at the start of dating.

Most men, don’t want to be the bad guy. So they squirm, feel uncomfortable and tell white lies. At least that’s what they think they are doing.

You get a text back that talks about how busy he is. He might apologize and start texting again. Maybe he surprises you and sets up a date, but cancels at the last minute disappointing you beyond belief.

What are you supposed to do? If being direct and asking doesn’t work, then what will work to get his attention again?

Stop Texting Him and See What Happens

Yes, I’m completely serious. Just stop texting him and see what happens. This is how you learn what his intentions are.

A man who is interested, but not setting-up dates will often become very interested when he stops hearing from you.

If you always text first, STOP.  Go silent. Observe what he does and what steps he takes to reconnect. You want to get a man’s attention – disappear on him. That will make him very CURIOUS.

You are interrupting the pattern of your behavior and doing something unexpected. This is what a good man will notice and he just might stop playing this crazy game and want to meet you.

You will stand out from the other women he’s texting.

Now, don’t go getting your hopes up because many times a texting kind of man will never come around. But once in a while, a good man will become curious about you and decide he needs to know more.

Many Women Don’t Understand Dating

Many Women Don't Understand Dating

See, most women do the same thing you do. They prompt a guy they haven’t heard from, thinking it’s the right way to go. In fact, many think it’s the only option.

They don’t realize they should stop texting instead.

There is an energy to dating. A rhythm of push and pull or back and forth like ballroom dancing. In ballroom dancing, there is one leader and one follower.

As a woman, you follow a man’s lead if you want to look good on the dance floor. It doesn’t make you less important than him; it’s simply how dancing works.

Follow His Lead

The same thing is true at the start of dating.

Follow a man’s lead:

  • If he texts, text him back.
  • If he doesn’t text YOU, DON’T TEXT HIM EITHER.

This is your best strategy to not waste time on men who are not genuinely interested. The truth is there are lots of men who will waste your time and string you along, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET THEM.

So, when you text because he’s gone silent, you are no longer “following.” You have taken up the lead and that does not work at the start of dating for most singles over 40.

It might not work so well under 40 either because dating is still an archaic mating ritual based in biology, not gender equality.

Most men like to think about dating you is his idea. To create this situation, you don’t want to be too available and you don’t want to appear PUSHY OR DESPERATE.

But, that’s what happens when you take the lead, keep the texting conversation going, etc.

Don’t Text Him, You Have Nothing to Lose

When you stop texting to see what happens, you have nothing to lose. That’s because men know EXACTLY what to do to see you.

They have to ask you out, set a date, pick a place and show up. And they can do all that without your help. Even shy men know this, so don’t make excuses for any man and feel you must HELP HIM OUT.

The good news is that when you don’t do his job of taking the lead, you won’t get invested and emotionally tied to the wrong man before you even meet him before you get to know him and discover if he’s worthy of your time.

Let him lead to find out what he’ll do to win you over.
T
hat is the ONLY WAY you’ll ever know how interested he really is!

What you will lose are men who are NOT interested. Men who could care less about you or don’t want a relationship.  And that’s something you can stand to lose, right?

This is how you can shake free from men who just want to string you along to boost their ego and fritter away your precious time.

Your Next Step

So if you are “talking” to a man who texts a lot or sporadically, but doesn’t ask you out, think twice. Are you putting energy into something worthwhile by interacting with him?

Are you accomplishing anything by continuing to text this guy who hasn’t met you or hasn’t asked for a second date in more than a week? Nope, not really.

Stop texting him and see what happens next. If you don’t hear a peep, you now have valuable information about that guy – he’s not the one.

The right man for you WANTS TO MEET YOU and will do what it takes to get to know you and spend time with you.

via GIPHY

When you don’t text him, observe his actions over several weeks (like six or eight) to decide if he might have potential.

If he’s consistent in staying in touch, calls at least once a week and asks you out for a date weekly (if not more), then he might be showing some lasting potential. And worthiness of your love and attention.

Until you know this about a man, play the field girlfriend! Do not narrow down your options and focus on just one man until he is consistent enough that he asks you to be exclusive.

If you want to know more about texting with men and proven dating strategies that really work to find love with the right man, get my book The 7 Deadly Sins of Texting.

 

181 thoughts on “Stop Texting Him and See What Happens – Understanding Men”

  1. I met a guy on an app last month and we have had some great conversations and he has said he wants to pursue a relationship with me when social distancing is over but now I haven’t heard from him in three days. The last time he texted me he told me I’m the only person he’s interested in and I mean a lot to him.. now I don’t know what to think and I want him to text me because I don’t want to be the one to reach out..

    Reply
    • Hi Jecy, I know right now this seems hard to handle. But take a step back and think about it logically. You’ve allowed yourself to get attached to a man you haven’t yet met. It’s understandable how this happens – you want a partner, romance and companionship. However, getting attached so soon before you know if he’s really “the one” throws you off and gets you off balance. It does for most people so don’t feel bad. And especially now during the pandemic – connecting with him might be giving you the hope you need. So here’s what I recommend. Reach out ONCE, just so you don’t regret you didn’t try it once. Then if he has a gap in communication again, you’ll know he’s lost interest or was never as interested as he said he was. Or he’s talking to several other women, or he was busy or thinking about himself or a million other reasons that don’t matter in the long run. Give yourself one shot just in case it’s really nothing. And if it happens again know you are likely looking at an inconsistent man who will drive you crazy and not deliver the actions that match his words of love.

  2. Hi Ronnie, I have been texting this guy for a month. He set up to meet up but due to the virus he postponed twice. Said he needs to work and is worried about the virus. The problem is I have to keep initiating the conversation. One time I was so pissed off and I blurted out I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t initiate convos. He said he was busy and apologized. So I apologized too. He said we are working out this date at different rate. He likes it slow. We still haven’t met due to lockdown. I haven’t text him in days. Since it’s the lockdown, i asked him if we could gameup our date as we cant meet. He mentioned we could call but he never asked about calling til now. My question is how long do I give him the silent treatment before giving him one last text to move on?

    Reply
    • Dear Kiss93, You can dump him now! He’s not interested. A man who is genuinely interested and wants a relationship will be sure to stay in touch and initiate! So lesson learned – do not initiate! If you reach out online first- that’s totally OK. That’s just being friendly. The problem comes when you make that a habit as you did here. The best thing at the start is to follow the man’s lead. If he texts, text back but don’t start the conversation.

      If you haven’t heard in a while and want to check in – that’s a bad sign. But, you can do it ONCE. Do not stay in touch with a man who leaves it all up to you. That is a waste of your time. Men get invested in winning a woman over when they have to work for it. Of course be warm, friendly and responsive. But for the first 6 weeks, let the guy lead – text, talk and ask you out. That way you minimize the chances of some guy being bored and connecting with you until someone better comes along because you make it EASY.

      Also, any man who says he wants to go slow means he’s not serious about a relationship. That is a typical tactic to push you away and make sure you have no expectations of him. Run from a man who says this. You deserve to be well-treated. It’s time to improve your sense of worthiness, create clear boundaries and know how you want to be treated. You can’t leave it all up to the man. When a guy doesn’t treat you the way you want – that’s a sign he’s THE WRONG MAN. Time to look for another.

  3. Hi Ronnie, At the start of April, this guy had messaged me and we got to know each other. It was great and he told me he wanted to meet me face to face and it didn’t matter where. I said okay, and a week later, I drove two hours to see him. It was marvelous. He told me that he was nervous to talk to me and then nervous to kiss me first. Of course, we were intimate that night but it didn’t feel like a one night stand. He was respectful and only proceeded with my approval. The next two days, we texted, but it was during the week so I didn’t expect him to text back often. I don’t expect 24/7. He wanted to see me again and so I drove to see him. He introduced me to his friends as his girl, telling everyone about our plans, and we spent the night. I felt safe and he made sure I felt loved and appreciated. When I left, he told me to text when I got home. He didn’t respond right away but I knew he was busy. A few hours passed and I saw he was on social media. I was confused, let it slide and fell asleep. I woke up early to see still no response and never had he gone that long. He texted at 11:40 saying “hey!”. I messaged back and he asked me what I was doing which I told him at 2:30. Saw him on social media watching my stories but wasn’t texting back. Texted him again at 9 pm asking if he was okay and it is now 5:20 am and got no response.

    Reply
    • Hi Lynda, Sorry this is happening. While he was respectful and caring, sadly that doesn’t mean he wants a relationship. Could be he really needed some “loving” which includes attention, adoration, affection and sex. He was a gentleman, so you agreed. Nice guys want sex too and if you think about it – you did make it easy for him. You drove 2 hours twice! You probably thought because he was a gentleman he wanted more than sex. It’s unfortunate that one thing doesn’t automatically mean another.

      This is why I recommend waiting before you sleep with a guy. Not for moral reasons, but to guard your heart. He was doing what it took to get you to sleep with him. You made it easy without realizing it because how he behaved lead you to think he was serious.

      Waiting gives you time to watch a man’s behavior and interest level over WEEKS. Making a guy wait sometimes causes the non-serious guy to move on . And it gives you more time to observe how a man treats you and notice his consistency levels. I also suggest that if you are meeting a man from a distance, let him come to you the first time or at least meet half way. What made you so willing to drive there twice? It’s OK to expect a man to do at least half the work of any relationship, including travel.

      Sadly it’s possible that he got the loving he needed and now feels complete. And sometimes, the occasional man might have the archaic idea that if it’s all too easy, he loses interest. This doesn’t happen as much as it used to but, there are men out there who think like this.

      I know you are hurting now. But hopefully you’ll try again. Knowing you can survive is the very thing you need to give love another shot. With this knowledge under your belt, you are better prepared to make a man wait. Watch his behavior and give him time to get invested in you. And then after 5-6 dates, when you’ve seen his consistent interest level, take a chance again. The next guy could be a better match. There is no question men out there do want a relationship, love and the real thing.

  4. The guy was a friend of my husband, but we had a thing for each other. I was madly in love with my husband and we tried to work on our relationship. My husband told me to stop talking to the guy when he found out that we had a thing. I did. He also stopped being friends with him. They guy was angry at my husband for not letting us be friends. 7 months later my husband gets locked up. The guy reaches out to me to meet and we met the next day. Next day the guy changed his mind, so i blocked him for good. I’ve been been thinking about him everyday since. My marriage ended. I reached out and we started talking but he’s distant, angry. I told him I have strong feelings. He didn’t say anything. I text him and he disappears than reappears. He asks for favors, doesn’t want to meet, then we met twice. Sexual tension was very high. He has’t tried to meet me again, just joked about seeing each other than saying no. I stop texting him. I want to see him and be with him, i don t want him to toy me around, or else i can just move on.. what should i do?

    Reply
    • Rachel, Sometimes people get confused about what they want vs. reality. You want things the way they used to be with this guy but that’s not reality and never will be again. You cannot go back. Seems to me this man liked you best when you were cheating on your husband. Probably made it more fun for him. Now that your husband is out of the picture – he wants to no part of your relationship. Can you see that? Right now he is pushing you away, being mean and manipulative. Finally you have stopped texting – good! Now walk away and look for a new and better man. One who will treat you well now and in the future, who is consistent and doesn’t disappear. This guy is not your happy ever after love.

  5. Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy on a dating app during quarantine. We clicked instantly and had so much in common. We had been texting for 3 weeks consistently. There were mentions of going on dates after quarantine. We even FaceTimed and chatted. It went so well that I suggested another. He seemed excited about it too. I’m not sure if it was the idea of doing another FaceTime or something I said but when we were supposed to FaceTime he said he just wanted to text. Ever since then he has become distant and I could tell something was off. I was always the one to text first but he would always texted back multiple texts and was very engaging so I’m not sure where it went wrong. It’s been almost 2 weeks since we last talked. I stopped texting him to see if he would text me first but nothing.

    It’s eating me up about what went wrong. I don’t know if I should reach out to him or not.

    Reply
    • Hi Sage, First good for you that you stopped texting/initiating! I realize this is hard but some men aren’t capable of a real relationship. They are happy to respond, connect and fantasize via text, but often can’t handle more. He’s the perfect example of the emotionally unavailable man. Men who prefer texting are men who don’t want to get close. Yes, you had a great Facetime conversation, but he might fear you wanting or expecting more from him.

      Now that you have stopped initiating and texting, you can see that he was responding vs. taking action. This is why I recommend not being the constant initiator with a new guy. It can give you a false sense of his level of interest. Unfortunately a man who responds is not often a man who has the same interest. You want a man who seeks you out and takes action to connect – not just reacts to you.

      When a man makes the effort to connect, he gets more invested to win you over. When you do all the work, there’s no effort needed. It won’t change a man who doesn’t want more, but it will give the more serious guy a chance to get invested. Make sense? This is for the first few weeks like 6-8 weeks (when there’s no virus of course) and then once in a relationship things tend to balance out and can be more 50/50. You want that kind of balance to avoid resentment later.

      Lastly, sounds to me like you didn’t DO anything wrong, although you probably misread his intentions. STOP blaming yourself! This is about who he is and his limitations or lack of interest and NOT anything you did wrong. Be kind to yourself, know you are worthy and can find a better man who is relationship ready. Just don’t do all the work to get things started!

  6. Hey, interesting read! Thanks. But I’m not sure if at this point I should be stopping contact with the guy. Before lockdown everything was going well, we had been on 5 dates and been intimate. I have always been the one initiating meet ups and conversation but because he’s responsive and never rejected the dates I assumed it was because of his reserved nature as where he lives dating is very conservative. But since I mentioned the “what is this” conversation, things started to get weird. He ignored the question and started to distance himself, his text became shorter. Each time I would change the subject so things weren’t awkward and would then ask the question again later on once things were normal again. This happened 3 times to the point where he got annoyed and said that “he doesn’t understand why it has to be so black and white defining the relationship” and ended up saying we should be friends. Is it possible to rebuild the relationship again slowly but if this were to happen I don’t think stopping communication will work to my advantage.

    Reply
    • Hi Nikki, Sadly, no. Once a man puts you in the friend zone it’s unlikely to change. But there were clues along the way and I’m hoping that pointing them out will help you for next time. 1) Don’t initiate. You did all the work in the relationship and because he said “Yes” to you, you thought his interest level was the same as yours. Now you know that is NOT true. A man can say “Yes” to 5 dates and not want a relationship. If you want to ask once, OK. But not more.

      2) Forget the shy thing- that’s a story women tell themselves. If a man wants to date you – and he’s emotionally “normal”, even a shy guy will ask you out again. If a man doesn’t ask you out – he’s got a REASON and it’s not shyness.

      3) Don’t try to define the relationship after just 5 dates – that can take up to 3 months depending on your age and situation so you were way early. That question will make men cringe. And asked several times. 4) When a man doesn’t answer a direct question, his NOT answering IS YOUR ANSWER. It means “NO”.

      5) Avoid sleeping with a man until you are exclusive if seeking lasting love. If he wants to be intimate, you can say, “Not yet.” (like on the 3rd date). For later dates you can say, you only do that when in an exclusive relationship. Then see what he says. If he opts for exclusivity – great! If he acts weird, avoids the question or says no, then he doesn’t want to be monogamous and you can make your decision from there. Now that you know a lot more about men and dating, I’m sure you can find a new and better guy.

  7. I’d been messaging with this guy for 3 weeks. He said he wants to meet when the lockdown is over and that he’s a quiet person and will get more personal when we meet. He hasn’t ask for my phone. I didn’t offer mine because he might not want to share his phone. I’m always trying to be funny so as to liven things up. He’s sweet and not flirtatious. I asked If he missed me as a joke and he didn’t respond. So I put up new pictures in my profile since I couldn’t send a picture in text, and asked him to check it out since we can’t see each other. He didn’t respond. We messaged later and we both didn’t mention the picture. It’s been 2 days, and I feel that he’s messaging less and cold. And I’d been initiating the text since which he always did. Did he find it shady that I put up the new pictures? I did tell that it’s only for him. My friends think that it’s red flag that he hasn’t ask for my number. I would have explained that it’s because I don’t have his number but he never mentioned the pictures do I didn’t have opportunity. I feel like he’s playing a game that maybe he’s in a relationship and just trying to kill some time.

    Reply
    • Hi Daisy, I agree with your friends – very suspicious that you haven’t spoken by phone or video chat by now. It’s not your job to keep things going or keep it light. He is who he is. My question is why are you limiting yourself to one man you’ve never met or even spoken to? This is a time of risk free dating! Speak to several guys to see who is nice, who has a similar sense of humor and values, who is consistent, open and curious about your life? Who tries to get to know you better? This guy is a major dud. Stop trying so hard! Its time to learn that when a man slows down, disappears or isn’t open, these are your signs that he’s not the right man and it’s time to move on.

  8. Hello
    Ive been on 3 dates with him and we have chemistry as he told me. He also said you dont initiate. So i text him almost every day or night a simple hello or good night etc. I just dont know what he means. Also we have been initimate.

    Reply
    • Hi Naomi, I don’t know what he means by “You don’t initiate” either. Was it during sex? Could he mean that you should ask him out or text daily? Who knows? Just ask him what he means. Say, “When you told me, ‘You don’t initiate”

      what did you mean?” Sometimes men who want you to initiate they are beta guys who rather follow. Other times they want the woman to initiate so they don’t feel guilty when they don’t do the work to build the relationship. Then a man like this can say to himself, “She initiated – I didn’t chase her.”

      This is why I recommend letting the men initiate for at least the first 6-8 dates so you can see how serious a man is. Right now, there’s no way to know if he’s into or not, especially if you initiate! So ask him what he means and then decide – is this the kind of man I want to invest my time and heart in? Maybe he is, but keep your eyes open and make a conscious decision. Don’t let it just keep rolling on like you have no say if he’s not the right guy.

    • Hi Ronnie,
      Thanks for your reply. Yes it was after sex lying in bed. We were just talking and having a nice conversation and then says “ i have one problem with you.” I replied “ like what?”. He then said “ you don’t initiate contact”. I was like “ how can i make it up to you?” I hugged him. Then was upset and replied “ you have to initiate contact, i feel like i am always reaching out to you. “ this is true. I replied” i dont want to be clingy and moved to my side of the bed. He said you contact me, just cant be me all the time. On our get togethers i do admit he reaches out but i dont want to as i read your blog whcih is basically get them to do the work. Dont reach out and seem needy. So confused. So i texted him almost every second day a small greeting or joke. I gave up in my second week. And he started again. He also said that night in bed he doesnt have time to date. We have chemistry. I am so lost, i just dont know. He is a workaholic. I dont want to seem like i am desperate. Just playing it cool. But i guess he took it the wrong way.

  9. I would at this point not contact him again and let him come to you. so much easier said than done. I KNOW. however, next time he asks what you have going on say you’re busy two of those three days. dont sound too available. Let him come to you at this point. If you reach out again and do end up seeing him, you’ll wonder the whole time if he’s doing it out of true desire or just to appease you. Right now? I’d go silent. Wait and see. Good luck!

    Reply
    • Hi Kate – I agree completely! Well said. Get scarce and see how he reacts – -that will tell you everything you need to know about how important you are to him.

  10. Hey Ronnie, good read! I met a guy online and we had a great first date. He texted me all day every day even after our date. Were now Facebook friends, and he wanted a second date. However yesterday he did not text me at all while I was at work. I cracked and he responded when I got home. Again this morning there was nothing. I mentioned my next days off when we were planning a second date (these next 3 days). Today he asked what I have going on and I said, “Nothing planned” hoping he’d take initiative to meet. But I don’t want to say something and make a fool out of myself to keep this going if he suddenly stopped texting me. Our profiles are still up. This is a paid site, so I can’t imagine people want to mess around. Should I keep it moving and go out with other people? Kind of disappointed because I was really holding out for this one.

    Reply
    • Hi 4years, A man can text all day long as he did and you can see it means NOTHING. What matters is what he does to spend time with you. Many women fall for this texting nonsense. Here’s the problem, when you date online you can’t hold out hope for a man you met once. You need to date as many men that interest you who ask you out as you can because you NEVER KNOW WHO WILL ASK YOU OUT AGAIN. Not doing this means you waste time with each guy who stops texting and disappears. Not a very efficient dating strategy. Doing this is called “Serial Dating” and it’s a way to suffer heartbreak after heartbreak from not taking your time and qualifying the men you get emotionally attached to.

      In addition, DO NOT ASSUME because people pay to be on a site that they are serious about finding a relationship. NO WAY! Tons of players, people who don’t even know what they want and a few who are already in relationships are all there. It’s your job to weed through the prospects and not get attached to anyone until a man PROVES his worth and interest with consistent weekly dates and communication over several weeks. Plus, you discuss exclusivity and agree to take your profiles down before you stop dating others. That’s how you hedge your bets to find love with a good match.

      So as far as this guy is concerned, follow the advice from this post and stop texting him. I think you’ll discover, even if he does text again, he’s really not serious about wanting to be with you.

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