How can I get a second date? That question is on the mind of many single gals. Often that’s just how it is. But what if you’re doing something wrong?
Are Second Dates Hard to Get?
Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
I guess I need to know how can I get a second date? Here’s my story. A lad asked to meet me for coffee and I said yes. He said let me know what day suits. I said I would tell him in the next day or two. He said no problem.
We text away and had flirty texts. Then I texted him and said I’m free Sat? He said, “Okay maybe Saturday I’ll meet you for a quick cuppa. Just a friendly catch up – nothing serious. Is that okay?” I just said yes.
The following day I never heard from him so I presumed he blew me off. Saturday came and I got a message from him saying, “Have you time for that coffee?” I said yes. We met had a great laugh.
Never heard from him at all the rest of the day so I just text that night saying thank you for the coffee. He texted back the following day, “No problem, it was nice to catch up!”
I can’t make all that out!! Why ask me for a coffee and give me so much mixed signals over it? How can I get a second date?
Managing Your Dating Expectations
Dear British Gal,
OK, let’s talk about managing expectations. You went out for coffee and had a good time. Great! But then you thought he’d be texting you all day after that? Why?
It seems your expectations about dating and maybe men are a bit high.
1.It was JUST COFFEE. You shouldn’t have any expectations about a coffee date. Many people call that Date Zero because it’s not even a real date.
The point of a coffee date is to check each other out.
- Do you find each other attractive face-to-face?
- Can you hold a good conversation?
- Do you get each other’s sense of humor?
- Do you have similar interests?
- Are you looking for the same thing?
There is no sense of obligation and no automatic second date after Date Zero, no matter how much fun it was. Whether you drink tea, have a glass of wine or eat ice cream, it’s a very casual rendezvous. So check your expectations to see if you are in the ballpark of what is really happening.
2. Sense of Timing. Not sure if you know this but a man’s sense of timing about dating is not the same as a woman’s. We get EXCITED when we meet a man we have fun and laugh with and we want more immediately.
That’s not necessarily true for most men. Men often don’t want to appear over-anxious to see you again. They tend to play it cool even if they are into you. So, while some men might text after that first meeting, many wouldn’t think of it. There are plenty of men who still believe in the Three Day Rule and wouldn’t contact you before three days have gone by.
3. Communicating with Men. You seem to have a very small window for when you think a man should be in touch. That’s not how men think. For example, you thought he was blowing you off the day after he asked you for coffee because you didn’t hear from him. But what really happened is he just didn’t text.
I recommend that you relax your expectations overall about men and dating. Do what you can to let things unfold naturally – It takes time to see what will happen. This guy may contact you within three days or the week and ask to see you again.
Handling a Vague Date
Maybe you were irritated that he didn’t schedule the date when he asked you for coffee on Saturday. When a man makes a vague date, you can clarify. Just say something like, “I’ve got a couple of things going on Saturday. Let’s set a time and place now so I can get my errands done around that.”
Texting Does NOT Indicate True Interest
Don’t let a man’s texting habits confuse you or set up expectations. If he texts you a lot, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. The same is true if he only texts sporadically. However, if he once texted you often and then slows down or stops – that’s when you know he’s lost interest.
How to Get a Second Date
Now on to your question about how to get a second date. But first you have to understand what works with dating overall in this modern digital world. Surprisingly, even though it seems like dating has completely changed, what still works best is to let the men lead. In other words, let the man contact you first, ask you out and pay. This is for the first few dates.
Why does this work best? This is the ONLY WAY you’ll be able to tell how into you he is. Leave him alone and see what he does. So, if you don’t want to wait and ask him out instead, you won’t know why he said yes. Maybe he:
- Is really interested
- Has nothing better to do
- You’re good enough until someone better comes along
- Thinks he’s going to get lucky since you pursued him
- Isn’t ready for a relationship but will go because you asked
The point is, the way to get a second date is NOT by asking him out. So what does work? Here are five surefire ways to get more second dates.
5 Tips to Get More Second Dates
- Be Warm and Friendly – The easier you are to talk to, the more likely he’ll want to see you again. When you are warm and show interest in him, that’s flattering and makes him feel good.
- Be Positive – Even if you had a bad day, smile and be upbeat. Don’t talk about your problems – this is like a job interview where you need to show your best side.
- Talk about Fun Stuff – Topics like vacation, TV, movies, sports, hobbies, food, books, and music will lead to fun conversations where you’ll get to know someone. Avoid talking about your ex, dating horror stories, or problems with work, kids, health, finances, the law, etc.
- Let Him Know Who You Are – Don’t be afraid to shine. It’s good to share who you are and what you enjoy in life so long as you leave space for the guy to talk too.
- Be Appreciative – Say thank you at the end of the date and give him one compliment such as: You picked out a great restaurant. You are so easy to talk to. I really love your sense of humor.
Follow these five simple tips and you’ll definitely get more second dates without having to ask men out!
Wishing you love,