Signs of Infidelity – Should Countess Luann Trust Tom Again?

Signs of infidelity can be your worst nightmare as the Countess Luann from Bravo TV’s Real Housewives of New York just discovered. Be smart about deciding if you should trust your man again.

signs of infidelity

Countess Luann Courtesy of Bravo TV

Did you see it? The final episode of The Real Housewives of New York City? OMG what a shocker for me as a dating coach. Briefly, Bethenny was sent a few photos of Luann’s new fiance, Tom, kissing another woman. The last three episodes focus on how and when Bethenny should tell Luann.

Bethenny decided to wait until the end of the girl’s weekend to share her news. But she had told others before Luann. This isn’t a blog about friendship so I’m not going to get into the wisdom of that. But I sure do want to talk about Luann’s reaction.

At first Luann was clearly devastated and truly appalled as any woman would be. She called Tom right away to ask him about the photo and who he was kissing. Tom claimed he didn’t remember – too drunk. Another sign of his genuine husband potential -NOT!

Once back home from Miami, Luann got together with Tom and said they were doing their own therapy. Are you kidding me? She loves him and he loves her so she is still planning on getting married! In a matter of just a few days, Luann decided she wasn’t going to let some “little kiss” get in the way of the happiness she has envisioned for herself and Tom.

Sorry Luann, but this is SO sad. Your fiance of 10 days, leaves you in his own bed (yes she’s living with him already) and goes out to a bar to drink and suck face with another woman. And you decide anyone can make a mistake? Oh my. Bethenny hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that Luann has no self-esteem. A woman who truly values herself would not likely move forward with this relationship.

Hey we all get it. She’s in love! In love with Tom. In love with an 8 carat yellow diamond. In love with the press and the attention. In love with being in love and a whirlwind romance just like with the Count from years ago who married her within weeks of meeting her. Is she trying to recapture what she had with the Count? Could be.

Signs of Infidelity and Delusion

Here’s what I am fascinated by:

1.Don’t Ignore a Man’s Reputation
When all her #RHONY girlfriends were talking about what a player he was – she didn’t want to hear it. Her reasoning was – that was “BL” – before Luann. Yet, these were signs of his typical interactions with women. When a man has a reputation – believe it ladies! Ignoring his rep is DELUSIONAL.

2. Photos Aren’t Enough
Photographs proving the act of infidelity are somehow not enough to make Luann break things off with Tom. She feels he made a mistake and if you love a man you should forgive him. Oh No! Leaving you in his bed while he goes to makes out in public with another woman two days before your engagement party – how do you forgive that? PURELY DELUSIONAL. Would you forgive this guy?

3. Inconsistencies in Stories
When there are inconsistencies between what Ramona and Sonja said about their relationships with Tom, Luann believed Tom. He told her what she wanted to hear. DELUSIONAL AGAIN. Sonja had been friends with benefits with him for 10 YEARS and about to meet his mother. Yet, Tom said she was a one-night stand. Ramona had 4- 6 dates with him which he denied saying it was only once or twice.

4. Where there’s Smoke, There’s Fire
There is evidence of his being a player and a liar, but Luann didn’t want to face that. Where there is smoke, there is fire. She preferred to berate the other women demanding they stop talking about Tom. Sorry Luann, not talking about it doesn’t change the facts. DELUSIONAL.

5. Creating a Cover Up Story
She and Tom called Dorinda to get her to lie for them and when Dorinda wanted no part of his cover up, Tom tells her she’s not invited to the wedding and hangs up. Luann, how can you be in on this? You would rather cover up the  truth than make a mature decision for your future? Clearly, she rather deny and bury signs of infidelity than face the repercussions. DELUSIONAL.

6. Blaming the Other Woman
On camera, Luann explained what happened that fateful night at the Regency. How they had a fight and then went to bed. But he went out to have a drink. At the bar he met an old female friend who was more than happy to accommodate him and Tom fell into her “clutches.” Really Luann – now it’s the other woman’s fault? DELUSIONAL.

7.  Can’t Be Alone Again
Luann would rather stick by her player/liar/cheater man, than face being alone. That’s a hard, cold fact. This is nothing short of a recipe for marriage disaster. She gave him a get-out-of-jail-free-card and now Tom knows he can get away with cheating. He can get caught in public and she will stick by him. Luann, you just gave him permission to cheat on you over and over again. Sadly DELUSIONAL.

Empathy and a Sincere Apology

Okay, I apologize for not expressing more empathy and compassion for Luann. In truth, I DO FEEL BADLY for the Countess. I feel badly that she doesn’t have enough self-worth to walk away from this jerk. I feel badly that she doesn’t believe the women who try to tell her she’s making a mistake. I feel badly that she needs to blame other women to justify his actions. I feel badly about this horrifying, public embarrassment.

No one wants to live through a relationship crumbling on camera. No one should have to go through this public humiliation and emotional devastation. But it has happened.

My hope is for other women who are in similar situations with their own man to wake up. I hope you find the strength to make better choices. I hope seeing this couple unravel on a reality TV helps women see things more clearly and stand up for themselves.

I’m sure there are reasons to stay together and trying to work things out. Like the Beadors on the Real Housewives of Orange County. But they had three children and 14 years together. When you are not married yet, have only dated for two months and discover infidelity within 10 days of your engagement, these are sure signs it’s time to cut your losses.

I wish you all the best Luann. As her song points out, “Money doesn’t buy you class” and it won’t save you from the clutches of a cheating, lying man either.

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