This is another post in my new series Dating Tips for Women where I interview industry experts to help you learn more about finding love.
Meet Matchmaker John Holt from Tri-State Dating Service
1. John, How has dating changed in the last 5 years?
Dating has changed over the past five years because we live in a world where women no longer need men, what they desire most is to be with a man who fulfills them. Women want men to be reliable, exciting, charming with a very engaging attitude and a slight edge to their personality. They look for a man who they can count on to be their trusted partner.
In many ways a man who is advanced in his personal life and career has a lot of confidence. Many men the attributes I mentioned above, but not all. Women talk about settling and how they won’t do it. That’s fine. But if settling gets you involved faster, then why do we see less people settling? There isn’t that much settling going on to tell you the truth. A man seen as “Average Joe” is not getting a lot of dates or attention even if he is great guy.
To be fair, “Average Mary” can’t get guys to give her a chance either. Men are more visual than ever. The old rule of thumb is if you want to date a 10 you better be a 10 too. The harsh truth is most people are fives, sixes, sevens or eights. I really don’t like to use the number system but I did it to illustrate my point. Self awareness is the key to successful dating in our current time.
Ronnie: John, to me what you are really asking is if singles are you honest with themselves about how they rate in the dating pool? Do they think the only way to have a successful, happy relationship is with a 10 or no one? If so, that can certainly be self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s what I see with the singles I talk to who think like this .
John: Yes, Ronnie. I agree. As a Matchmaker I love the great qualities of both men and women and promote that when matching. Dating has also become a zero sum game for the pursuit of “The One.” This way of thinking will keep people alone. Then, when they remain alone for too long, singles can get frustrated and depressed about their chances to find love. Sometimes dating requires a leap of faith and an open-minded conversation with a positive attitude will produce better results.
2. What do you see is the biggest problem facing women over 40 looking for love?
Women over 40 are fabulous. They have lived through many experiences and as a result they now know who to avoid. Sometimes women past 40 clamp down and tighten up criteria. Common sense will tell you that the stricter you get about criteria the longer you wait to meet someone because by process of elimination many men are ruled out. When you rule out many the search becomes very long.
Women over 40 or in their 50s are very discerning and selective. Being selective has two aspects:
A) She knows herself and what she wants, eliminating dates that seem like a waste of time and energy.
B) The criteria used gets more stringent in choosing someone, eliminating many.
3. What are the three dating tips for women you share most often with clients?
Tip #1: Have a positive attitude about life and the opposite sex.
Tip #2: Be personally engaging, pay attention to your date and be an active listener.
Tip #3: Be yourself, be relaxed about who you are and know who you can date as opposed to chasing people you simply cannot attract.
4. What do your clients who find a match have in common and what do they do right?
My successful clients all have a great attitude about life and accept my expertise in matching. They genuinely like the opposite sex. They have freed themselves from past relationship problems and are confident people. They understand people are not perfect and allow acceptance in their life. They know that men must understand women and women must understand men.
5. What do you wish you could say to clients that they don’t want to hear?
The biggest thing is to manage their expectations and be realistic. I work hard to help clients to be realistic about who they belong with and who is a good match. There seems to be a media-image driven message that takes over the way people decide who is okay and who doesn’t make it. I am a true believer in personality matching. When the sizzle is over and wears off you need to like the core human being. Values definitely matter.
6. What do women need to know about choosing the right matchmaker?
First of all I really like women and love talking to them. I’ve had great business relationships with many women over the years. I understand that sometimes they get frustrated, angry and have trouble accepting what most men want and are like today.
The kind of woman who does well with me is the one who doesn’t mind sharing her feelings about dating and relationship building. She is not insulted by constructive feedback. Because I really care about my clients but I must tell them things they don’t want to hear. I want my clients to succeed in finding a loving relationship, one that is real and has a chance to last, built on principles of real matching.
7. What is the last of your dating tips for women to share with my wonderful readers?
Finding the right match requires patience and a willingness to do the personal work to present your best self. Recognize who is a realistic match. I work best with clients who really want be successful and have a positive attitude and energy so they focus on what is important. To accepting who the opposite sex is, you really must embrace a very warm attitude and find a way to trust people.
8. How long have you been in business and what area do you serve?
I have been in business matching singles and providing fun dinner parties for 24 years. I work with people in Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts.
Ronnie: Wow John, that is a LONG time to be in business. I would think if nothing else that reinforces how you know what you are talking about when it comes to making matches that last and helping singles find love. Thanks so much John for taking this time to answer my questions and share your dating tips for women with my readers.
To learn more about John, visit www.tri-statedatingservice.com or call him at 800-252-6210. John also has a radio show called Networking Singles is on Saturdays from 10am-noon on WXLM 980 AM. You can stream the show live on the web or through the I heart radio app. The station website is www.wxlm.fm and recorded shows are podcasts available for free 24 hours a day.