Second Date: Why Don’t Men Ask Me Out Again?

Trouble getting a second date? There are several reasons why this might happen. Find out why men don’t call again in this post.

second dateHow Can I Get a Second Date?

“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,

I’m an attractive woman in my late 40’s looking for love. I have no trouble connecting with men online and getting a first date. But something seems to be preventing me from getting a second date. I don’t understand what could be going on and why men don’t call again. Usually things seem to go well and we have a good time.  Any thoughts on how to get more second dates?

Thanks!
Missing Second”

 

Dear Missing,

There are a number of reasons why you might not get a second date. Some have to do with you while others are all about him.

About You

Talking about Your Ex – Are you talking a lot about your ex negatively? Are you over sharing details of  your divorce, breakup or overall disappointment with men? This is a massive no no! When you talk about men negatively, you give him the impression that you don’t like men.  And let’s face it,  this is not a fun topic for him and has nothing to do with him. Focus on getting to know him rather than exposing your past to get a second date.

Complaining about Anything – Do you tend to complain about your job, your life, traffic, being lonely or dating? Your complaints bring him down and are not good second date conversation. Show off your fun, perky side to get him to ask you out again.

You Are Your Job – I get it you love your job. That’s great, but it doesn’t make for good conversation. No matter how much passion you have for your career, you’ve got to find other topics to discuss or you are going to be a boring date. Case closed. Enrich your life with something more than work to be sure you are an interesting first date.

Hard to Please – Perhaps you are particular about how you like your drink, whether it’s a martini or coffee. if there’s a problem with your drink or meal,  try to move on and live with i tone time to make a good first impression. There’s plenty of time to get specific on a second or third date so just get through the first one with a smile. Men don’t like women who are hard to please.

Grilling Him – If you try to vet him on the first date, asking many questions so you can tell if he has potential and don’t waste any time – that’s a surefire way to not get a second date. Men hate the third degree and many of your questions are rather private when you think about it. Asking a man why he got divorced or broke up won’t make him feel good about himself or happy. Ding! There goes your chance for a second date! Collect your answers over a few dates rather than risk turning him off up front.

Bringing Up a Future – Do not make this mistake of talking about a future together. That’s a major red flag for men. A woman who is planning future vacations or even special dinners is too serous too fast and a reason to head for the hills where a man is concerned.

About Him

He’s Just Dating – Sometimes men are just meeting women and not into a relationship or anything more. They are simply getting their feet wet and wanting to put a toe in the dating pool. So you did nothing wrong, he’s not ready for more.

You Remind Him of Someone – Through no fault of your own, you remind him of an ex, his mom or a teacher, etc and he doesn’t want to remember her. So you can’t do anything about this either. No worries here.

You’re Not His Type – You can’t please everyone and you just aren’t his type. He prefers shorter,  thinner, long hair,  easy going, feistier,  quieter, more chatty, etc. You get the idea. He didn’t click with you so he moved on to find another. No biggie – you do the same thing with men right?

You Hit His Pet Peeve Button – Without even realizing it, you hit a nerve and he got shut down. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just managed to hit his hot button and now he’s down. let it go.

Doesn’t Know What He Wants – This happens with women too – he doesn’t know what he’s looking for. So he has first date after first date hoping to figure things out. No fault of your own that he doesn’t want to see you again.

Different Values – You’re a democrat and he’s a republican (or vice versa) and he can’t bare to be with a liberal/conservative. You are better off that he as self-selected to opt out since your world views do not coincide.

There are loads of reasons why you might not get a second date but this provides a good overview of the most common problems. Somethings you can change like avoiding asking men too many difficult questions in one meting. Others you cannot adjust for, nor would you want to.

What to Do When You Don’t Get a Second Date

I tell my clients all the time, not to fret. If a man doesn’t want to see you again, then he has done you a favor by disappearing early on before you can get attached.  This is so much better than him dragging things out and wasting months of your time. Accept that he knows what is best for him and move on to other men.

Often not getting a second date is the biggest favor a man can do for you. Yes this is a form of rejection, but you barely got to know him. Don’t waste time and emotion on a man you don’t really know. I know you are frustrated and want to get something going. But there is no point dating the wrong man. So if he doesn’t call, he has a real reason and it’s not about being busy or shy.

There are plenty more men where he came from so be positive and know the right man for you is out there and he might be just around the corner.

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Single for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. So, she made a few tweaks and then dated 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering the keys to midlife dating, she founded It’s Never Too Late for Love to help other smart, successful women find love too! Her mission is to share her proven dating advice  and keen insights about men with women everywhere who are serious about finding love with the right man. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC is a Certified Coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Dating Coach services. She’s been featured on BBC’s 5 Live Radio, NBC, ABC, and Fox News, NPR, eHarmony, MSN.com, MORE.com, Connecticut Magazine among others around the world. An established author, you can find her 6 books on Amazon.

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