Do you have a hard time understanding men? If you’re dating a man who was hot and heavy, then backed off or disappeared, find out exactly what you need to do next.
Get Help Understanding Men if You’re Hoping He’ll Change
Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
I’m not really sure how to define my relationship with this guy I’ve known for three years. I will make it as short as possible. First we dated 5 months, then he said he felt nothing. I moved on and started dating again, but a month later he came back saying he made a mistake. The catch was I had to prove my feelings since I dated others.
It was on and off for a year, and then 18 months ago, all the physical just stopped. He went out with others (saying it was innocent) but kept me as a phone/text friend. He says he wants things to grow on their own, yet never makes time to hang out.
He calls me everyday and we talk for hours. I have told him that I can’t handle being just a phone friend, and I want to actually see him. I just don’t understand why he wants to talk for hours, but not want to invest real time with me.
We had such an intense sexual chemistry at one time, and I’m not sure what happened. I have tried many times to walk away, and the longest we went without communication was 22 days. He always reaches out first saying how much he misses me. I just don’t know what to do anymore because the longer we talk, the more my feelings keep getting stronger:(
Thanks for your advice,
Helen in Huntsville
Your question has me really fired up and I feel your pain. Please know my comments are said with compassion for your situation. I say this with love – it’s time to wake up!
Living the Fantasy
Right now, you are living the fantasy of what used to be. The reality is that relationship is gone and no longer exists. You wish it did and you miss what was, but it’s history that is not coming back, which is pretty safe to say, given 18 months of phone calls only. When it comes to understanding men, know they do not return to the good times.
Set Some Boundaries
I know this is going to sound harsh, but you’ve got to learn about boundaries! This man is so manipulative. You had to PROVE your feelings the second time? What did he have to do?
He sets all the rules and you complain, but go along with it. Boundaries are about setting rules for yourself and how you want to be treated. His treatment of you is NOT OK. Why do you put up with that? You deserve better and if you want love, you’ve got to gain an understanding about how men think.
Don’t Trade Emotional Support Hoping for Love
Wow, you spend HOURS on the phone with him daily? You need to develop a life of your own. Take a yoga class, join a book club, date other men who actually want to spend time with you face-to-face.
The truth about your current situation is that you are trading your emotional support and time in the hopes that this guy will come back around and love you. That will never happen. He’s feeding his ego with your attention and you allow it. Again, set boundaries. What is the value of your evenings? He is like an emotional vampire sucking the life out of you.
When You Express a Need, Stick to It
You told him you this isn’t working for you, but you KEEP DOING IT. When you give a man a chance to correct a situation that displeases you, and he doesn’t, you need to value yourself enough to walk away. When you don’t, you let him know he can walk all over you.
What are the repercussions of his unwillingness to spend time with you? There aren’t any. This is the boundary you must establish in any relationship.
Stop Hanging in There Hoping He’ll Change
You have invested three years with this guy who won’t even go on a date with you for the last 18 months. How long do you think you should wait to see if he’ll change? I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but HE’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE or COME BACK to you.
This is NOT What Love Looks Like
While you may have strong feelings for him, he has strong feelings for himself and what you can do for him. You need more understanding of men in relationships. He doesn’t LOVE you- he is using you. This is NOT love. True love is a mutual, respectful, supportive and uplifting emotional exchange between two people.
Build Self Worth and Self-Esteem
You deserve better treatment. You deserve a real boyfriend. You deserve a man who treats you well. But you’ll never have that if you don’t value yourself enough to walk away. This is your ONLY OPTION. If you truly want love, then you need to cut him off FOREVER. Block his number and never spend another minute talking to him. Any additional time you spend with him on the phone is totally wasted and taking away from the life and love you dream of.
Love Yourself First
True love starts with self love. You need to love yourself enough to walk away from this man. When it comes to understanding men, I strongly recommend thinking about what you want and how he treats you first. This will always serve you better than trying to figure out what he is up to.
Walk away and go cold turkey – there is no other way. It’s like you are addicted to him, so you can not slowly withdraw. Rip off that band aid fast – it will hurt, but you are already suffering. Doing this will allow you to move on. Free yourself up so you can find real love.
I hope this has given you some big insights into understanding men and understanding how men think.
Wishing you love,