Curious why men pull away after a few great dates? This reader wants help understanding men, wants to know why they do this to her and if her personality is at fault.
Understanding Men and Why Men Pull Away Early in Dating
“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
One of the greatest things that has happened to me this year was finding your website. I have been telling all my single girlfriends to read up on your articles. Thank you so much for everything you do for us!
For me, it’s always, ALWAYS the same pattern and I get my heart broken every time. I really want to meet my other half and settle down. I have been on Match.com for about 3 months and there were 3 men I really liked and hit it off (not at the same time; although I listen to your advice and try to date as many men as possible so I won’t over focus on one guy).
Long story short, after 3-4 dates, I can feel men switching gears; from pursuing me consistently to not so much, and eventually they don’t contact me again. My girl friends say it was just not meant to be, but I honestly can say I could’ve dated any of these three men if they were to pursue me. What am I doing wrong?
I have been reading your blogs and learned, so I don’t initiate texts/calls/making appointments or I won’t blow their phone up or being clingy…but still this. My girlfriends pointed out that although these men seem to have a good time with me, they compliment me A LOT about my physical appearance. That makes me wonder if my looks are the only reason they want to date me. According to my girlfriends, I seem to attract men by my physical appearance and that gets in the way for them to get to know me better as a human being.
I don’t have sex with them, but I did everything but the ‘sex.’ Honestly, I do use my physical charm to my advantage and flirt. When I talk to men about something deeper, I don’t know if they realize I’m actually more than my looks. It hurts so bad to think I may have a terrible personality that turns guys off, or worse, that I might be boring.
People tell me I am polite, kind, and very funny, so I thought my personality was good enough to date decent men. Now I am thinking less of myself since this happens every single time. I know people tell me, “it’s not you, it just wasn’t meant to be,” but why do guys suddenly not want to pursue me if they are looking to settle down so badly? Did they not like my personality? Am I attracting men who have the wrong intentions although they say they want to settle down? Maybe they still want to play around? This is such a struggle for me so I need your advice.
Thanks so much,
Tired of Men’s Disappearing Act”
I’m so sorry this is such a struggle. I have to be honest and say in your situation what’s happening is not completely clear to me. But I will do my best to provide some insight.
First, please don’t blame yourself and put this all on a boring personality or some other such flaw. That seems very unlikely to me. Most men are highly attracted to the combination of beauty and brains. So don’t even go there.
Sometimes being an attractive woman can create dating issues. You may in fact be attracting some men mostly because of your looks. But that can’t be true for all of them. Beauty can be a blessing too so let’s put that aside as well.
The Wrong Men
Some men will say they want to settle down if they think it will get you to spend time with them or sleep with them. The best way around this is to hold off on intimacy. I am curious about what you said about doing “everything but sex.” This makes me wonder if your willingness to fool around a bit satisfies their interest.
I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you that some men just want to sleep with good looking women. So they tell you what they think you want to hear, get their rocks off and move on. This is certainly a possible reason why men pull away and stop pursuing you. But this isn’t about just you – they do this with all the women.
Talking of Settling Down
How you bring up the topic of settling down could be a potential turn off. There’s nothing wrong with telling a man up front that you are seeking a long-term relationship that will hopefully lead to marriage. But I am again curious how you discuss this idea with the men you date. Do you mention it once? Do you just have it in your match.com profile? Or do you talk about this frequently? If you do, that could definitely be a turn off. Men don’t want to feel rushed.
Meant To Be
I know you don’t want to hear that “meant to be” stuff but there is some validity to that. When I was dating, I met guy after guy and would have one to three dates with them. Then I’d never hear from then again. I refer to this now as “Self-Selection.” Those men chose not to continue dating me. Of course it hurt and was disappointing. But in time, I came to see how they just weren’t the right guys.
The right man will not pull away or disappear. He’ll want to be with you, get to know you, spend time with you and enjoy your company. Those men who disappeared proved they were the wrong men. So don’t cry for them.
Finding the Right Guy Takes Time
You may need to date a lot of guys before you find a good match. Unfortunately, it’s not enough that they meet your criteria, you have to meet theirs too. And many of those guys might not want to settle down even if they claim they do to get your attention.
So, my dating advice to you is to keep your chin up and keep going. Hold off on intimacy longer, at least 6 dates or more. Do what you can to stay positive and remind yourself that the right man for you is out there. You just have to meet men until you cross paths with him.
It will take some patience, but if you are in training to be a doctor, you certainly know how to keep after your dreams for the long haul. I hope this has helped you with understanding why men pull away.
Wishing you love,