Understanding Men – Why Won’t He Sleep With Me Yet?

This reader asks, why won’t he sleep with me yet? The guy she’s been seeing has been holding out on her. Find out how I help her clarify understand men and this confusing situation.

why won't he sleep with me yet

Why Won’t He Sleep with Me Yet?

Please Tell Me, Why Won’t He Sleep with Me Yet?

“Dear Ronnie, The Dating Coach for Women,

I need your advice about understanding men.  I am in my 40’s, and so is the man I met online.  We met for lunch and chatted for hours. It was fun and easy…we clearly both had a good time.  He asked me out later that day for that Friday and we had a blast. I stayed over, but we kept it G-rated. 

The dates continued for 7 weeks, it was wonderful and I fell head over heels.  We only cuddled and fooled around a little and he usually got up or changed the subject too avoid going further. Then suddenly, he pulled back and became busier than normal with work. We saw each other only 2-3 times a month, and he invited my daughter along for dinner, movies, and relaxing. 

Then he pulled back on texting, calls, but still invited me over on occasion. Recently I had hoped we were getting back on track as we went on a great date.  The next morning, I decided to come on to him because now its been 4 months and he shot me down. This is why I need help! Why won’t he sleep with me yet?

I was thinking maybe its because he hasn’t “gotten any” in a long time as that’s why his marriage ended (no passion). So I asked when was the last time he slept with someone, and he said 2 weeks! I was shocked and so upset. All I could think was, so why won’t he sleep with me yet?

He said it was a woman he knew from years ago, but he’s not dating her now. He also said he doesn’t know me well enough to sleep with me. I was shocked since we’ve been seeing each other for months. I left and he walked me out and said he’d still like to see me. Later I texted an apology for my strong reaction. We texted a few times after, and then he went on a business trip.

Now he’s been home all week and crickets…I’ve heard nothing. I sent a good morning text but still nothing. What the heck? Did he really fool around with that woman or was he testing me? Is he still wounded? Will he call? What should I do, as I really care for him? I do not date much as I am selective. 

Thanks,
Needing Clarity in Naples”

Dear Needing,

There is a lot going on here.  I am going to be honest with you, so please know I share these insights about understanding men and why he won’t sleep with you yet with compassion.

Men Rarely Avoid a Chance to Sleep with a Woman

For the most part, men do not avoid intimacy because it’s been a while. However, I can think of five reasons why a man would avoid it:

  1. Dysfunction or performance anxiety
  2. Not wanting to discuss or spread an STD
  3. Sleeping with another woman that he doesn’t want to “cheat” on
  4. He’s gay, but loves spending time with women
  5. Not that attracted to the woman

Of course I can’t say for sure. He did avoid intimacy as you mentioned and invited your daughter, which is a surefire way to ensure no hanky-panky. For some reason, he doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Do I believe he slept with his long-ago friend because he knows her better than you? Not for one minute. But, for whatever reason, its time to realize he doesn’t want this with you, or it would have already happened.

What It Means When He’s Suddenly Busy

He has been distancing himself from you for a while now. When a man is suddenly busy with work, that’s his way of letting you know you aren’t his priority and he doesn’t want to see you. You saw him frequently, then just a few times a month and now even the texting has stopped. Sadly, this is a clear sign of waning interest which could be due to the intimacy issue or some other reason.

The truth is, the reason why things have changed doesn’t matter. Even though he says he wants to see you again, his actions PROVE he is not sincere. Nice words mean nothing without actions to back them up. There is a difference between companionship and romance even though he did cross the line a bit sending mixed signals.

Your Criteria for Mr. Right

The last thing to discuss is how you don’t date much because you are selective. That makes me very curious to know more about your criteria.

You might be looking for attraction, intelligence, good job, fun to be with, or romantic, and these are also nice for a good relationship. But first, the man has to be emotionally available, relationship ready, and want what you want or things will not work out. This guy is not emotionally available for the kind of loving relationship you want. Even though he seemed interested, his actions tell a different story.

I encourage you to make a list of the qualities you want in a man. Even if this guy has much of what you want, he doesn’t want a relationship which means he is Mr. Wrong. You may not have dated much, but if you want to find love with a good partner, that’s your next step.  Dating is a numbers game.

There is no avoiding dating if you want to find love. But there are incredible benefits!

  1. Building confidence in yourself as a woman and potential mate
  2. Improving your skills for interacting with men
  3. Learning how to flirt and engage with men to meet more prospects
  4. Recognizing the games men play more quickly
  5. Discovering what you really need in a partner

It’s Time to Move On

My dating advice is to stop seeing this guy. He is stringing you along and will never give you what you want. It’s not that he is bad or mean, he just isn’t capable of the kind of love you want. The longer you stick around hoping he’ll change, the more your heart will break. When you need help understanding men, it’s always good to look at the situation objectively.

Wishing you love,

understanding men

 

 

6 responses on “Understanding Men – Why Won’t He Sleep With Me Yet?

  1. Carol

    I was in a similar situation to you, Clarity. We started email, texts a couple times a week, and phone calls rarely. There were also periods of no communication. He was very busy… worked, played in two bands, hiked avidly, and spent time with family. He kept busy to avoid relationships. We saw each other every 3-4 weeks. It took him four months to kiss me the first time. As we became more physical, he pulled back, then broke up with me, saying that he was overwhelmed with the closeness. We got back together, and finally, after 22 months we slept together. Two weeks later, he broke up with me, saying he was scared and he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but he still wanted me in his life. There’s great info out there on attachment styles, and he definitely was avoidant. Something happened to him in early childhood. He’s a great guy, but intimacy terrifies him. Little can be done unless he goes to therapy. So don’t think this had anything to do with you. These men cannot do intimacy. I hope this helps. I realized he’d never be the man I needed and was able to move onto a great relationship.

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Liesel – Perhaps he is saving himself for marriage. Or in doing some research I saw an article that explained one of the reasons could be that he may see you as a partner in crime, not a partner in life. In the meantime, if you want a romantic relationship including sex, it’s time to seek another partner. You aren’t going to change this man’s mind about you after 7 months.

  3. Liesel Vermeulen

    Hi, I am in my late forties and I am in a relationship with a Phd Medical Dr for 7 months. We are from different countries and cultures. He is French and Guinean born, and 9 years younger than me. I am white. He is Muslim and I am Christian. We have fooled around quite a bit but he does not want to have intercourse yet. I cannot probe anymore as it angers him. He says he does not want to make me pregnant as I am in the process of divorcing my husband and he does not want that extra burden to jeopardize the divorce process. I have asked why does he not have sex with me with a condom, but he closes the topic sternly. I know he is definitely not gay and has an erection while next to me, basically the entire time. I honestly don’t know what to make of this. I know he is not married and he does not have kids elsewhere. Do you have any advice?

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lily,
    Something really important to keep in mind is that my blog is for women. So you hear about all the awful things men do. But I have coached men and man tell horrid tales of what women do to them.

    I do agree that in the generation before us things were different and the norm was to marry. But many people stayed in miserable marriages – where today we have the freedom to stand up and be independent if that’s a better choice. So it’s really not all bad.

    There are still reasons to be optimistic and people still fall in love every day. Mindset is everything. You can choose to focus on all the bad stories or switch your focus to what you are looking for and the possibility of finding true love absolutely still exists.

  5. Lily

    I feel sad for the OP – she did nothing wrong but was left feeling humiliated and confused by this fickle man. Why involve her daughter when he was just playing around? He’s done nothing wrong except lead her on. It really too apparent how different men and women think. I’m surprised anyone manages to have a relationship at all! How did the generation above manage to have longterm relationships?! What has changed. Why are men like this?

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