When it comes to understanding men, my dating advice is to pull back and be objective. If you know a guy is a player, will it be different with you? Find out my response to this reader’s question.
Understanding Men Requires Objectivity
“Hi Ronnie, the Dating Coach for Women,
My question is about the classic player. We’ve known each other for a couple of years. He’s been my rock through my current marriage separation. I knew he was interested a couple of months before we went out for drinks and went back to his place. We did sleep together, and I know from watching him with other women that he normally loses interest and moves on at this stage.
We’ve since slept together twice after that. We text all the time and talk on the phone sometimes for 2 months. He’s always really engaged and keeps the conversation going. He does the gentlemanly thing of walking me to my car, makes me coffee at his house etc. which he claims is an absolute first because he doesn’t do that with anyone else. This is our open friendship with each other.
I KNOW he is interested in me, he blushes when he’s around me, which is cute, and comes in to my work for no reason. It’s been a month since we last hung out as last week was the first week he’s been free – he had guests from overseas he was entertaining and putting up in his lounge room. He is genuinely busy 5 nights of the working week after work, but I still think that time is a matter of priority. We’ve had discussions about ‘playing the game’ and how he was not doing that with me. He’s watched and coached me through blowing off other men because they did this.
I feel like he’s starting to play the game. I have my own busy life. He’s expressed to me how much he enjoyed us sleeping together, but the last time we tried to find time to meet up between our schedules we only could find super late on a Friday night. Then we decided to try another time.
I have the gut instinct that he does like me; I know he’s scared of a relationship but I can’t help but feel like he’s being lazy and keeping me at an emotional distance. This week coming, I’ve decided I won’t contact him at all and see what happens no matter how hard that will be. Are my instincts right or am I deluding myself??
Thanks for your insights,
Delusional in Delaware”
When it comes to understanding men, the best thing you can do is take a step back and look at the situation objectively. To do this, you must remove emotion and your feelings for him and look at the two of you logically to make sense of things.
You start out saying this guy is a classic player. So, why do you think he’s not playing you? Of course he is. He said he liked sleeping with you – I bet he did. You are friends with benefits. You say you know he’s interested, but my question is, interested in what? Fooling around or making you his girlfriend? I didn’t hear one bit of evidence that he’s looking for an exclusive relationship.
The signals you mention are signs of attraction, not interest. Don’t worry, women get this confused all the time. Attraction means he wants to sleep with you. Interest means he wants to be in a relationship. Is he showing signs of wanting a relationship?
- He never has time to see you
- He suggested a booty call – late night get together
- He doesn’t ever make you his priority
Nope, these three bullets show he doesn’t see you as his girlfriend. His cute little blushes, a walk to your car, or making you coffee don’t make him a gentleman or indicate serious intentions.
A man who wants a long-term relationship will try to see you and spend time with you. He’ll want to impress you and win you over. He won’t let a month go by because of out of town visitors – he’d include you.
Now has he been a good friend? Sounds like he has been helpful, but don’t hold out for him as a romantic partner.
Dating During Divorce
You are not finished with your divorce. Before you look for love again, you need to heal from the end of your marriage. This is a loss, and you need to finish up and have recovery time. You could date casually, so if you want to see him casually, that’s OK. It’s only a problem if you think he might be a real boyfriend. He’s not the type.
Divorce is serious. Honor this break and yourself by taking time to heal and learn from any mistakes you made. I recommend you avoid jumping into anything right now, never mind with your player buddy. Understanding men as I do, I can tell you this guy can’t give you what you want.
Wishing you love,