Understanding Men: Why He Asks You Out But Leaves It Vague

When it comes to understanding men, sometimes a guy will ask you out on a “Vague Date”. He’ll suggest getting together and say you’ll talk about the details later. You might text a few times, but no details materialize.

understanding menSuddenly, it’s Saturday. You text asking if you are still getting together. He might text back saying something came up or not even respond. Now you’re facing Saturday night with nothing to do when you had been looking forward to a date! Why did he do that?

The “Vague Date” Keeps His Options Open

Some men like to hedge their bets to make sure they have a fun weekend. While chatting with you, he thinks seeing you would be fun, so he asks to meet you Saturday. Having you on the hook is a big relief and at the very least, he can see you.

Then he continues fishing online, viewing profiles, and chatting with women. He connects with another woman who seems better. Maybe she’s cuter, shorter, taller, younger, older, thinner, curvier, etc. Whatever his preferences or mood might be, he asks her out for Saturday night.

Now you can see why he didn’t make a firm plan with you. He was still looking for the best possible catch.

Understanding Men – Talk Is Cheap

My dating advice for women is not to take to heart what men say for the first several dates. This is especially true before you have a first date. Talk is cheap. A man can say sweet things that draw you in and make you adore him. He knows what a woman wants to hear, so it’s easy to say the right stuff.

Players know you want to feel he’s really into you,  thinks you’re the one, thinks you’re so pretty, etc. Other men use the “Man of Mystery” approach, getting to know you while revealing nothing. Some women are drawn in by this kind of man.

Remember “Talk Is Cheap”. You can enjoy what a new guy says to win you over, but don’t believe it, taking the bait all hook line and sinker. Only time will tell if he means what he says and is serious about you.

He might mean every word or be playing with you. Or, he might not know what he wants. Men don’t necessarily do these things just to get their way or be mean. Some guys just don’t know what they want so they act this way.

Understanding Men – Follow Through Is Gold

While talk is cheap, follow through is like GOLD. When a man says something and then does it, now you can start taking him a bit more seriously. A man who sets a day and time right away is showing a potentially deeper level of interest in you so watch his actions. When he follows through on promises and what he says, then he’s worthy of seeing again. This is one of the best ways for understanding men.

Dating is nothing more than a crude sorting process. You have to meet a lot of men and see them a few times to weed out the ones who are cheap talkers. It takes several dates to find out which man is serious about you. Watching for what he will DO to win you over is what matters most.

Any man can say nice things and make empty promises. You are looking for the guys who do more than “blow smoke”. You are looking for a man with integrity. A man who does what he says. A man who wants a relationship and wants it with YOU.

Keep Your Options Open Too

Next time a man asks to see you “sometime this weekend”, but doesn’t mention a day, time or place, don’t save the date for him. You can say yes, then keep looking too. As time draws near, you may be tempted to check in with him and ask if you’re still on. I don’t recommend it. If he’s really curious or interested in you, he should close the deal to make sure you are “off the market” for the weekend.

My dating advice for women is not get excited about a vague date. If there’s no day and time, then it’s not a real date. Until the details are firm, you are still available. He may follow through. But, if you have accepted a date with a different guy because the first one didn’t follow up fast enough, you can save face. Just say, “Oh I didn’t hear from you so I made other plans. But I’m free Sunday afternoon” (or whenever you are free next.) That lets him know you’re still interested and he’s still got a chance.

Learn to leave your heart out of figuring this kind of situation out. After all, if a man doesn’t know you, then he’s not rejecting you. He’s just making another choice. Understanding men is so much easier when you take your emotional attachment out of the equation and look at the situation objectively with a clear head.

For more on understanding men, get my Free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and my newsletter for more helpful insights and tips.

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78 responses on “Understanding Men: Why He Asks You Out But Leaves It Vague

  1. Jessica

    What if he asked you out and then had to cancel and reschedules in a very vague way ….I’m doing a marketing exhibition at the mall across from where he stays for six days. I didn’t tell him I’m here but one of my friends suggest that I tell him that I’m here if he wants to say hi….Would that look like I’m chasing him or would it be a good way to see if he is actually interested?

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jessica, When a man reschedules in a vague way it’s because he doesn’t want to be nailed down or is avoiding making real plans. One way to clear that up is to tell him you are across the street. If he makes an effort, there may be hope. But on the other hand, when a man doesn’t initiate or make a real date with you on his own, that’s not saying much about how interested he is right? Chances are for some reason he has changed his mind. I know this is disheartening but there are other men out there to meet.

  3. KG

    Hello. So I had made plans with this one guy to go to a basketball game with me. He said he would love to go. Day before the game he texts me saying he cannot make it; he has to work. I was upset but understood. Ever since then, he has been saying we need to get together, hang out, or “I really want to hang out with you!” He told me he had an upcoming weekend open and I offered to drive over to meet up with him but then he replied, “sure, as long as nothing else comes up.” Is this guy even worth it? I almost feel as if he is stringing me along which is one thing I am not looking for right now. HELP

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi KG,
    Yes he is stringing you along. And nope he’s not worth it. Is it OK to have someone say sure let’s get together unless something better comes up? No way!

    This is why I recommend not asking men out. Let them take the risk of rejection by asking you on dates to start. Then after 5 or 6 dates if things are going well, you can ask if he wants to do something and initiate. Before that, it’s best to let the man do that.

    Now you can be friendly and flirty to show interest. But if a man is interested, he knows exactly what to do to go out on a date. And if a guy doesn’t take this step, it’s simple- he’s not really into you.

  5. Monee

    Hello I’m friends with this guys who I have met only a couple of times. But we always stay in contact either via facebook or through text. I always text him friendly text message like how is your day going or just to see how he is doing but nothing more than that. But he has asked me out three times and every time I say yes or text him to let him know when I will be free he never text me back. I’m confused what message he is trying to convey to me. Because he is the one who is asking me out why ask me out if you going to do this please help me understand?

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Monee,
    I understand why you feel confused so I hope to clear that up for you. This is exactly what the post is all about. When a man is vague about proposing a date like your Facebook buddy here, he is STRINGING YOU ALONG. He asks, but has no intention of actually going on the date. You can see this is true because nothing has materialized yet, even though you let him know when you are free.

    So the first time he did it you might think that he meant it. Then the second time he did it you might think, “Maybe he got busy and dropped the ball.” But the third time definitely shows you without question that he is wasting your time and playing with your head.

    I recommend only one such exchange – if a man can’t get it together to see you on a real date after asking you out, then don’t entertain future requests. But you gave him the benefit of the doubt like most women would.

    However, there’s no doubt now. Stop messaging and move on to find a new guy – this one is a dead end.

  7. Kim

    I’m Doing online dating site and confused .. We matched and he messaged me first we messaged for about a week it was good conversation .then he asked for my number ..he texted me for about a week some flirting he asked a lot of good questions.then said we should hang out sometime. I said ok let me know since he has weird work schedule. A few days went by with no text ..he then texted and said what day did I want to go out he said he was off the weekend I said lets play by ear he said cool. It was a snow storm that whole weekend and didn’t hear from him. I texted the next day and said I was out in his area. he texted right back said he was at work and he couldn’t. It’s been a week and no text since.. I’m Confused

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim, just like the post explains, when a man is vague, he’s not serious about you. Dump this guy and move on to find a man who is ready to date you. This guy has no intention of getting together. When a man wants to go on a date with you, he makes it happen. Last piece of advice, don’t tell a man “Let’s play it by ear.” Ask about a day, time and place or it’s too vague and likely not to happen.

  9. Anita

    Hi Ronnie, this guy messaged me and we started talking. We clicked instantly, our interests are the same (The only fishy thing is that he’s super charismatic and a lot of girls like him.) So then he asked me out and we set a date, but he flaked out on the day before. Now he says he wants to see me again, is it worth trying one more time? Or is he looking for an ego boost? By the way, he doesn’t message me as much as in the beggining.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Anita,
    It’s up to you and how you’ll take the potential second cancellation. If he flaked the first time and is a big flirt, he’s probably not worth it. But if you want to give him one more chance and won’t be all bummed out, give him one more chance. Who knows?

  11. TG

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have recently been meeting up with a guy that I worked with on a short a contract. He initially asked if I wanted to see a movie with him (back in December), but I was away for an extended period of time, so couldn’t. I dropped him a generic New Years text (when I was back in town), and he suggested that we meet for a movie or a coffee. We ended up meeting for a coffee. At the end of the “whatever it was” – he suggested meeting up the following week, if I was sorta, kinda free. It threw me, to be honest, because I couldn’t quite figure out what he was asking…long story short we met the following week, but again at the end of that “whatever it was”, he was like, “let me know if you’re free next week”. He is super courteous and attentive in person, he always picks up the check, we get on really well, but I literally have no idea whether he’s interested and I’m worried I’m coming of a bit aloof for fear of looking desperate – HELP!

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi TG,
    Sounds like a date to me. He asked you out and he paid. Why are you confused? He’s lacking a bit of confidence by asking you to let him know when you’re free. But its also super respectful which you say he is. So not sure what seems strange.

    Men don’t come out and say, “I want to marry you. Let’s go on a date next week to see if there’s something to it.” He’s getting to know you with once a week dates – my husband did the same thing. Are you used to faster men who disappear? Slow and steady can work better. Just relax and see what happens. Maybe nothing – maybe something, but that is exactly the same with any man you date.

  13. TG

    Hi Ronnie,
    Thanks for the reply! Yep, I’m totally used to men who move quickly and disappear just as fast haha. Perhaps I tried something different.

  14. Cassandra

    Hi i have been dealing with a guy for 10 months now. At the beginning everything was good until 1 day he posted a pic of him and a woman on his facebook page. i asked him about it. he told me that just happen they broke up a month later. Then a month later he posted a picture again with this same lady, and now their not together anymore. When they were, he stood me up so many times, But he tells me he really loves me and now every time i ask to c him, he tells me he’s coming by and he never shows. But he doesn’t want me seeing any one else. i feel like a big fool for allowing this to happen for the past three months now and he is always working what should i do……

  15. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cassandra, I want to encourage you to work on your self esteem. You deserve to be treated better like that. This is not a man showing you love – a man who cancels on you and posts photos of other women? He’s a cheater and a liar. You can do better. Don’t put up with such poor treatment another minute. It’s time to shut him down and move on. Next time you catch a guy posting a photo of another woman, walk away immediately. There’s no excuse that works. And a guy can cancel once but after that, move on. When you have the self respect to not put up with poor treatment, you’ll move on faster and find men who’ll respect you more.

  16. Patrice

    Hi Ronnie ~ I met a guy online two weeks ago and we immediately exchanged numbers to talk on the phone. Had a great conversation with a lot in common and talked for nearly two hours! Then we discussed meeting in person. I said that would be great and told him my availability. I thought I’d at least hear from him the following week. Haven’t heard from him since… I’m tempted to text him again and suggest getting together but just not sure what to do.

  17. Kee

    Hi!
    So this guy texted me earlier asking if u was still good to go for coffee I replied an hour and a half later cause I was at work and agreed also asking him what time we should meet. He read the messages and didn’t reply.

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Kee, when dating you’ll encounter plenty of people who drop the ball. This happens to men as well, not just women and it’s part of the dating process. Don’t let it get to you – just move on and find someone new to meet.

  19. Lala

    When a guy gives me vague plans to meet up on the weekend without giving a specific date and time I always say “Fabulous! Once we have the specifics lined up I’ll put it on the books.” Lets the guy know you’re not waiting around for him and he is at risk of losing that date he wants. He’ll respect you more for this and be quicker to secure that date.
    Also, if he can’t give you specifics right now say ” no problem, we can just play it by ear and if we’re both available maybe we’ll meet up.” You guys know when they’re messing with you, don’t let them. 😉

  20. Riverwalk116

    Ronnie, I met this guy at a conference and he approached first. He set the first date, and asked 2nd date by end of 1st. We agreed to the date but not timing and place. Close before 2nd date, I checked with him as my girlfriend asked me out same time. He confirmed 2nd date time and place, but did not make it due to weather. But he set another one immediately as he was going for 2 weeks. And on this rescheduled 2nd date he said he wanted to see me after his return. But he did not make the move after he was back as he was busy with students and patients. Then he said we should meet before the weekend. Sat night he texted me saying he could not meet on Sunday as his brother is over. But we had not set up anything on Sunday. Now he asked sometime again this week, Should I neglect him or play as he plays? Btw he offered a home visit when I was sick in between but I said no.

  21. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Riverwalk, This man has cancelled and then never set a firm date again after the first date. I’d drop him and move on. What’s the point of dating this guy if he has no follow through? If he’s too busy to see you? If he can’t set up a simple date and show up? And good for you to saying no to his offer to visit you at home – it’s too soon for home visits. Time to meet some new potential partners.

  22. Freda

    I went out a date with a guy who is mid30. We had dinner date and extended the date by getting dessert. Since the first date, he texted me everyday with good morning and good night texts. He has not asked me out for second date for two weeks so that I let him know texting does not work for getting to know each other if there is connection between us. And I know he has full schedule and he is a busy man. But he replied my text as he understands why I sent the earlier text and he replied me as he is not available person. What should I do to this situation? Should I reply to his message or should I ignore him?

  23. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Two weeks went by and he hasn’t asked you out again – that tells you he’s not genuinely interested. Being busy is usually an excuse or it tells you he’s not ready to date or that you are not the right woman for him. None of those point to anything good. Then he replied to you saying he’s not available. What kind of follow up could there possibly be? He’s basically pushed you away! With compassion I suggest its more than time to move on. Block his messages and go meet new men.

  24. k

    Met online. Had a 2 hour phone conversation that went well for the most part. Texted me the next day hello and again the afternoon pushing to meet the same evening. I explained I could not and I suggested tomorrow during morning or aftn. He said he is busy with family but wanted me to cancel with my family that same eve. I suggested Monday night. We agreed to play it by ear. He became pushy to meet again during the day instead of waiting to see what happens…and I gave in. I did not hear from him. I texted him a “?” and he said did not work out and we will meet tomorrow. I texted him back that it was an unnecessary to make me wait on his call and to only let me know AFTER I texted him to see what happened. I then texted him “we will not meet tomorrow.” Am I nuts or does this guy like control? His behavior is between rude and narcissistic at times.

  25. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi K, I agree that he is lacking. But I question when a man can only meet during the day and not in the evening. I don’t know if either of you is working but when a man can’t meet at night – he may have other social obligations like a wife and family.

    Now if you set boundaries telling a man when you are free to meet and he doesn’t respect that – pay attention. This lets you know he thinks his life and timing are more important than yours. Rude and narcissistic as you said. Then he didn’t even meet you after pushing to do so. I agree – why meet him? He’s already proved he’s not the right man since he doesn’t treat you with respect.

    I recommend stopping all contact and blocking him. If you do exchange texts again, you will be demonstrating that he can get away with this poor behavior. it’s time to move on and meet new men. In the future, I encourage you to avoid not long phone calls before meeting. 15 – 20 minutes is long enough to decide if you want to meet. This keeps you from getting attached and having expectations that will not be met. There are plenty more men so don’t let this guy get under your skin.

  26. Leanne

    Hie Ronnie

    I kinda let a long term friend know that I was interested in him, I just let him know because I wanted to move on from being hopeful (We work together by the way) Immediately he then sent me a text saying that he was surprised and suggested to meet and discuss in person, but the issue was on which day to meet, initially he picked a place and said that Saturday he is busy , but the next one would do, and then I told him that I would be travelling two days before the day he had in mind. But now my plans have changed because my best friend whom I’m travelling with will not be getting an off on that weekend instead we will travel 3 days later from the the previously set date. So my question is, should I notify him that our travelling date has been moved so that we can meet on the day he had initially suggested? Will I not look too eager to meet him if I notify him?! And how do I notify him? I broke the ice and told him I was interested and he suggested we meet.

  27. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Leanne, You could simply tell him your travel plans changed and you are now available. Texting is fine for this. Just keep it simple without a lot of explanation.

  28. Alicia

    Hello Ronnie,
    I’ve been dating a guy since last May who was oversees playing basketball. At first I didn’t take him seriously. He suggested a play date with our kids, but flaked. In August I had a housewarming, he said he’d attend. He was a no show but called and spoke two hours. Then he suggested I come visit him oversees -I said yes thinking it wouldn’t happen. But he sent the money in Oct. and we spent a week together (no sex).

    Things were fine till Christmas (communication died). By New Years I sent him a farewell email. He responded with a detailed message. Since then things were great for long-distance dating – Text, FaceTime, phone calls. He retired in April, came back to the states and said he wanted to see me Thursday but texted with car issues. Changed to Saturday – didn’t happen. He’s been back 2 weeks, lives in PA and I’m in NJ. I even gave him the infamous speech, “If you are no longer interested, I get it!” He responded that he wants to see me but hasn’t set a date. Should I cut him off, give him time to adjust or play the game? Btw he suffers from procrastination (don’t they all) lol! HELP I’m 39, he is 41……

  29. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alicia,
    Here’s the problem. You’ve tried cutting him off via emailed, but never did. So he knows he can talk you back into his game. When a man is serious, he MAKES TIME, not excuses. A quality man doesn’t “no show” or think a phone call replaces a date. Playing his game hasn’t worked so far – why continue? Even though you spent a week with him, he’s not serious about you or he’d treat you far better.

    Men never answer the famous speech honestly, “If you’re not interested I get it”. They keep stringing you along because it’s part of the fun. The only way to cut a guy off is to actually STOP COMMUNICATING. Since you always respond – the game continues. I hate to tell you but if you’re looking for lasting love, it won’t be with him so it’s time to move on. You don’t owe him an explanation either – if you explain, that’s just more of the game for him. Read this post on Mixed Signals for more details about men who are inconsistent.

  30. TJ

    So I’ve been talking to this guy for 3 weeks now and we’ve met twice. But when we was supposed to go out Saturday he said that he might not be able to make it because he had to babysit his nephew. So he asked me Saturday night where I wanted to go for Sunday and I told him aha I asked him what time and he said 5 or 6. Well today I message him and asked him if we was still on for tonight and he never responded back to me. So I sent him a text saying well I guess not. That it would’ve been nice to know. So when I sent that he sent a text back sayinf my sister is in the hospital for a migraine sorry if I inconvenience you. I just don’t understand why he didn’t just message me and say hey I can’t make it something came up instead of leaving me hanging all day

  31. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey TJ,
    1) Sometimes when a family member is ill all courtesy goes out the window. The stress of a loved one being sick can overshadow everything else. So it might be that simple. A little empathy and understanding will help you deal with that. Should he have contacted you? yes of course in a perfect world he would have done so.

    2) When a man doesn’t answer your text asking if your date is still on, don’t follow up with a sarcastic text – why bother? Isn’t it enough to be ignored once?

    3) Remember it’s only a date. Yes it feels important and you might have really been looking forward to it. And there’s no excuse for rudeness – well except having a family member emergency. But it’s just a date.

    My dating advice is to put less attention on having the date – yes get ready, look good etc., but know that if it doesn’t happen so what? Take the pressure off yourself and the men you date so you can go with the flow more. Then being stood up won’t seem like such a massive let down. The thing is it could easily happen again. So think of it as not a big deal and something that happens all the time to people who date. Then you’ll move on with greater ease and grace.

  32. Elisa

    Dear Ronnie
    I met a man on Match, he is much younger than me. He quickly asked me for a date. I said yes. So far we had three dates in two weeks time, then I got confused. Every time, he texted me first and ask me out, then I agreed to the time. But he hardly texts me during the week – maybe something about how my day has been. For the third date, he suggested we can watch a film at my home. I thought it was too much and I’m not into hookups. I suggested we go to the cinema. The third date went OK, he didn’t talk too much and he checked his mobile saying he is arranging time with friends. After, I thought I should be more positive. So on the following day, I texted him. He was online but he never read my message. I was disappointed. He did reply the day after. I didn’t text him back. no contact since.

    Certainly I am not his high priority. He might be interested in me but I am only his backup. He might just want to have a casual sex. What is your opinion? If he asked me out again, should I give him another chance to find out what he really wants? Many thanks for your help.

  33. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Elisa, There are a number of younger men who wan to date older women thinking getting them into bed will be easy. That is definitely your guy’s idea – his request to watch a movie at your house is the clue. You were smart enough to know that was not a good option. So you might not hear from him again. Also it’s very rude to be setting up time with friends while with you. So I don’t think he’s any great catch and you’d be better off moving on. He’s not showing you how interested he is in you for sure. My dating advice is to let him go.

  34. Aanma

    Dear Ronnie,
    I don’t have dating experience in the American. I am from South Asia and have been here for 7 months. I have dated only one guy for four years who was my classmate back home. I was introduced to Tinder by my friends. I went on dates with three guys, but none of them interested me. Two weeks back I met a guy online and we started chatting. He set a date and we met in a cafe. We had a wonderful time together talking and learning about each other. I didn’t realize that we spent four hours together talking about family, childhood, studies, jobs, struggles, etc. That was a surprise to me personally as I felt like we had known each other for years. Later on, he asked for another date. I said yes, we met last Sunday. We talked like before but I was nervous this time. He knew I had been to salsa the previous night, so he suddenly held my hands and requested a dance in the park. We danced and then I started falling for him. He wanted to kiss me but I said, but I told him he could kiss on my cheek which he did. He gave me a hug and I melted in his arms, then asked if he wanted to kiss me. Then he kissed me and hugged me tightly. A few days later I got a message saying that he was captivated by my honesty, openness, and courage and he found himself bonded with me in many aspects with me but wasn’t ready for a committed relationship that I was looking for. He just wanted a casual relationship. I wasn’t prepared for that and was emotionally hurt. I wonder if such thing’s common in dating world.

  35. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Aanma,
    Yes it is common that men want a casual relationship. But they are not always as honest as this man . He respected you, so he told you the truth. This is a very good thing since you are new to dating in America, he could have just pretended he wanted a relationship – then you would have really been heartbroken.

    Dating in America is what I call a “wait and see” game. You go on dates with men you enjoy, but hold off on falling for them until they prove their sincere interest. This is consistent behavior of calls, texts and at least weekly dates if not more for several weeks. Usually by the sixth date, sometimes up to 10, you start to know who a man really is and can see if he is interested or just casual. Casual men often leave spaces between dates or rush into multiple dates quickly so they can sleep with you.

    So my dating advice to you is to not fall in love without really knowing a man first – that will help you guard your heart. Otherwise, some romantic smooth talker could take advantage of you. Read blogs like mine to learn about dating here so you can be smarter about men and what works to find love in the US. You’ll get the hang of it!

  36. Caro

    I had a date with someone I met on Match.com. Over social media/ tex message we had pretty good conversations. There were times where he was very funny, kind and even sweet… (At least that is what I thought) Again, I could have been wrong..
    Over text he said a few times “excited to meet you on Sunday” the original date day. Well, the date came and he didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the date. Cutting it really short to less than 2 hrs.. A date that was “walking, nothing else.. Which is fine, but it was a little too not personal enough to get to know each other. Anyhow, I didn’t mind. At the end of the date he said… “Will you be around next weekend, maybe we can go and watch a movie” I said, sure.
    That was the last day I’ve heard from him. He hasn’t text since then, and its been a week. Why guys are so difficult to read and understand. There are times that I feel disappointed in men. I know not all men are the same, but most of them are…

    Any ideas, why he invited me out? Why not just saying it was so nice talking/ meeting you. Don’t lead on a girl. Don’t ya think?

  37. Lena

    Dear Ronnie,
    Just want to start off by saying that your article is great. So I met this guy on social media, and we have been talking for about 3 weeks now. He has asked me out, and we planned the day that we are going out but It’s like he’s living the rest of the specifics for me to plan out (time and place of date). He seems kind so I don’t know if he’s just being nice and letting me plan the rest of the date, or if he’s leaving the specifics out because he’s not as interested in me as I thought. I don’t know what to do, or if I should even still go out with him?

    Thank you,
    Lena

  38. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lena,
    You don’t have to pan the date. Just text him and ask when and where he wants to meet that day. Then if he puts a plan together – go and see how it goes. If not you have your answer and can scratch him off your list. It’s good to keep things simple.

  39. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Caro, First a 2-hour first date is a good one. He might not have spent money but if you were talking while walking you could learn a lot about each other. Perhaps you are disappointed in the idea that he didn’t do much to impress you – that’s true. However, at the end of the date he asked if you were free the next weekend and mentioned a movie. This is usually a good thing. However now, he has not been in contact so perhaps he has changed his mind.

    The take away here is that he’s not interested enough in you to impress you and at this point even follow up with a next date. That’s a pretty clear message in my mind. So your last question is why did he ask you out in the first place? Maybe to get to know you to see if he wants a second date. That is the point of dating. You have to spend time with people to see if you click. Now he might have gotten distracted by other women or isn’t sure what he wants himself. Those could be reasons why he didn’t follow though. And people do change their minds.

    But when one date doesn’t work out – that is NOT leading you on. One date doesn’t guarantee anything more, nor should it. I encourage you to adjust your expectations and understanding about dating. Both men and women go on dates to get to know the person to see if they want to invest more time. Some men do prefer being casual and will lead you on with texting and occasional dates. But this guy did not do that.

  40. Laura

    Hi Ronnie-
    We met on a dating app 2 months ago and went out on 3 dates, talked almost everyday. Last week he called me twice, the 2nd time was on Friday night to ask me out for Saturday night. I was very cool about it and said sure! He said he was going to be back in the city around 3pm and we would chat then. Saturday night comes and 7:30pm, haven’t heard from him. So I shoot him a text saying hey are we still on for tonight? No response. So I’m cool and think I’ll wait till the morning, maybe something happened to him. Morning comes I don’t hear from him, an entire week goes by! How can you text me everyday for 6 weeks, talk on the phone to ask me out, and not even 24 hours later disappear?

    It’s just bizarre behavior! If you’re not interested or if you are dating other people, that’s cool, just let me know. Don’t make plans only to bail. After a week I did something I’ve never done before, I actually called him out with a concise text, saying what he did was cowardly. Honestly, I’ve never done anything like that before, I usually just ignore and delete. But sometimes, very rarely, I want to stick up for myself and not take the BS behavior from a guy! I don’t want to give any more attention to the lame ghoster, but I must say, I felt much better about it afterward and felt empowered. Next.

  41. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Laura,
    I don’t blame you at all for texting that messages and you did a great job keeping it short and to the point. It’s impossible to understand why someone would behave that way. My bet is something “better” came up and then he was embarrassed vs. planning to stand you up. I also LOVE how you felt empowered and faced your future with positive expectations by saying “NEXT!” Good for you – that is the ideal strategy to move forward.

    In the future, I would avoid texting daily – that can be a trap. Three dates in two months is not strong pursuit so he filled in with texting. This is the signal that he’s not serious. A lot of men string women along by staying in touch with texting. That’s why I advise against it. Respond the next day a couple of times if the texting overshadows the dates, so if the guy has better intentions, he’ll step up if he wants your attention. And the others will fall away when you don’t play the game.

  42. Lynn

    Ronnie,
    I met a man online and we met up for a great 1.5-hour coffee date. He texted the next day to ask me out for the next week. The day before the date, he texted that he got pulled into a work project and rescheduled for Saturday. We met Saturday and had a wonderful time. He texted me on his way home asking if we could go see a movie on Friday. By Wednesday I hadn’t heard anything so I texted asking if we were still on for Friday. He wrote back the next day that he has to leave the country on Sat so needed a raincheck. After more texts he wanted me to promise we’d meet up when he gets back, which he was supposed to be this Friday. we left plans were up in the air – he was to text me this week to let me know. Again it’s Wednesday & I haven’t heard from him. Even though I really like this guy, he has cancelled/rescheduled on me twice, and didn’t let me know until I reached out to him. My question is: should I give up on this one, or am I being paranoid & impatient?
    Thanks!
    Lynn

  43. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lynn,
    You are neither paranoid or impatient. This man may be a great guy but he’s not available. It sounds like you want a man who is free to date you at least weekly – that is what most relationship-minded women want. But he’s too busy for that and dating is not his priority. Clearly he has other priorities – which truthfully could be business or other women. So feel free to let go and move on. There are plenty of men who are ready, have time and want to date a wonderful woman like you. Knowing when to let go is an essential dating skill.

  44. Kendra

    I met a guy who lives in another country. Before I left he voiced an interest in meeting, he said he’d “let me know when he booked a flight, but that it wouldn’t be for a couple of ,months.” He has not texted me much, but has gotten in to contact to suggest dates we could meet. In out last text he said he could not meet during a certain weekend, but suggested another one.

  45. Mary

    Hi Ronnie,
    I made a friend request to a guy i haven’t met in person, because I felt inspired with what he is doing in his life. It was a spontaneous action for me, cause I don’t do online dating or add friends i don’t know in person. (We have 4 or 5 common friends (and I live in Europe).
    He accepted my friend request with much enthusiasm and we started chatting for 10 days, sending messages, “good morning”, etc, giving very few personal details, showing interest, flirting. He expressed his admiration to me and liked most of my personal, profile photos and made compliments to me. I returned his compliments. He said, “I would like to suggest we meet. If not this week, then the next one? So he didn’t actually propose an exact day, time and place. When I asked him what he suggests, he replied “we will choose TOGETHER,” then sent me his phone number. I replied “Here is my number too.” But he never called me, texted me or sent a FB message again. I didn’t call him, because I’m traditional and like the guy to do the first move. What do you think? He is 45 years old and I am 39. Should I have made the first move and called him? Should I contact him with now after 15 days without having heard from him? What’s your opinion? Thank you very much in advance!!

  46. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mary, I would say that he was just flirting with you, so when you sent your number showing real interest, everything stopped. That let’s you know he was just entertaining himself by flirting with you and was not seriously interested. I think you are wise to let the man make the first move. If you had called him, you wouldn’t be as clear right now that he’s not interested. If he was he would have called you and set up a date.

    For more insights, please read two more posts – one is on how texting is meaningless (like FB messaging)and the other is about why men flirt but that doesn’t mean he wants to date or have a relationship with you. Once you understand that the only thing that matters with men is the actions they take, you won’t let men like this waste your time. Only real dates week after week let you know a man is genuinely interested. Everything else is just fun distraction but is not real indication of his intentions to date you.

  47. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kendra, looks like you didn’t finish your message but I will say this – don’t waste time on men from other countries or from long distances. On a rare occasion i t might turn into something but 99.9% of the time if you meet it will be a fun fling and nothing more – regardless of that the man might say. The best thing you can do is stop talking to this guy and look for someone local.

  48. Rebecca

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy about a week ago. He approached me and asked for my number. That same day he wanted to hangout and I said yes! We hit it off on our first date. We laughed, he talked about his family and asked me questions about myself. It was like he truly wanted to get to know me. He even leaned in to kiss me. Then we hung out at his place after the date. The next day he made future plans to see me but never actually confirmed or really followed through with it. I even sent him a text asking if were we hanging out (because it was his idea). He acted as if he never remembered actually saying we would hangout that day. Then it starts really getting confusing because he calls now at night wanting me to come over but I say no just because it’s not really planned or last minute. I’m not a last minute type of girl. So the last straw was I finally told him he needs to actually call and confirm. So he did take my advice he called and confirmed that we would be hanging out the next night and even the same day he texted to make sure I would come over. Then I text back “ok, just call me when you are done.” Well fast forward he never called me that night. I’m very confused but I think I should not entertain him anymore.

  49. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rebecca,
    So you met a spontaneous guy. He’s not a planner. He has an idea and goes for it. So when he made that future plan, he didn’t really mean it specifically – just in general. Like when might feel like it. The next problem is about the perils of “hanging out” and what men really mean. That’s a very casual thing. On your date you also went back to his house to hang out. When you do this on a first date, most men might think, Oh she’s comfortable to come to my house so she’ll probably be willing to sleep with me.” You can see this since he made several “Booty Calls” last minute to you.

    You tried to straighten him out by saying he needs to plan ahead, ask you out and confirm. Good for you! But as you can see he’s not capable of that or doesn’t want to. Overall, I’m sad to say he’s not genuinely interested in anything but hooking up when he feels like it. So he’s not relationship ready and not worth your time. My dating advice is to move on – there are better men out there for you.

  50. Darren

    Hi,

    I am on the flip side of this. In other words I took my date out. Made all the arrangement and she we really happy. Like that I made the effort. We had a great evening. Talking about a second date. All looking good.
    Then she said I can’t go out until another week. Basically two weeks since than first date. The text messages have start to drop off. Not completely but still no where as much as before the first date. Has she lost interest or is this a case if she has started talking to someone else? Hard to know. I do like her we had good connection. Think we are worth a second date and who knows. If Thursday comes and she cancels part of me will think she has had a better offer. Personally I would prefer if she just said that.
    Maybe it’s not that but would appreciate the advice.

  51. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Darren – The same strategies do apply here for you as a man. If she’s not available to see you for two weeks, she could be letting you know that’s not her priority or you aren’t. If she has to travel for work, that would be an OK excuse but could still mean she’s not available. If you are hoping she’ll keep up the texting without you initiating then it’s time for you to step up and take the lead. It’s the man’s job to initiate, not hers – so don’t wait around for her. If she’s not responding to your texts or calls, drop her now. Lastly, you only had one date – it’s not wise for anyone to get attached after just one date so you should date other women while she’s making you wait around to see her again.

  52. Chen

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve met a guy on an online app. We’ve been messaging each other everyday since April just asking about our daily lives. After I came back from vacation he initiated to meet each other and we met and had dinner. We still message each other the next few days and when we had the same day off the following week we met again and went out. Its almost been 3 months that we’re messaging and seeing each other but I actually don’t have his actual phone number but we keep on using the app that made us meet. I don’t know if he just wants to be friends or anything but we already had skinships stuff like that and he doesn’t say anything of us dating. Should I even ask him about that or just keep everything the same thing. Not sure if my questions are relevant to the post??

    Thanks

  53. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Chen,
    I learned something new – skinships! I had to look it up! So here’s what I think – something is not right. He took a long time to ask you out. Now you’ve had a few dates and some kisses and touching, but you don’t have his phone number. Sounds like a man with something to hide. I don’t trust him and I think he’s married or has another woman. Otherwise – you’d have his number! So if you like him, I’d simply ask for his number and see what happens. I bet he makes an excuse and then you’ll know he’s not really single. Then dump him fast and meet some new men.

  54. Alina

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy on a dating website 2 months ago, we spoke on Skype for 3-4 days since he was out of country then and it was clear that we have a lot of things in common, he asked me out on a date at karaoke but the day before the date we had an argument and I blocked him. A month later he messaged me on the same dating website(I made a new account), asking me about how I am etc.. We spoke again and since then we have been talking for over 3 weeks on a daily basis, he is rather busy but I don’t believe that in all this time he couldn’t find few hours to meet me. Yesterday he made some vague plans to meet over the weekend but nothing happened. So I told him that I don’t understand his behavior and we had a fight. I mean, he prefers to be at home on Skype for hours with me, instead of meeting me somewhere in person. What’s his deal?

  55. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alina, The point of dating is to separate pretenders from genuine prospects to find the right man for lasting love. Now, think about Mr. Skype. You learned he rather Skype than go on a date. Is that the kind of man you want? No way! Dump him and move on. Most men who behave this way are not free to date – they have wives or girlfriends or they don’t want the responsibility of relationship.

  56. Sheron

    Hi Ronnie,
    This guy at my worksite( not directly in my area) normally talks when we see each other. Last week I asked him why he didn’t speak to me an event. He said he didn’t see me and said we could get coffee the next day to make up for it. I was really excited yet, the next day he didn’t call or come over to my area. He said he thought it was for next week. He then sent me a Calendar invite for coffee. Am I being played? Or in the ” friend ” zone.

  57. Carolina

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy in a dating website. We’ve been talking for weeks and he wanted to hang out. We actually hang out and he was very respectful, he asked me a lot of questions and he tried to keep the conversation. But I didn’t feel he was that interested, he never said anything about how I look or tried anything. So he told me he was going to text me when he get back home and he never did. So I didn’t text him that day because I thought that he may be busy, then the next day I didn’t know anything about him. So I decided to text him and he saw the message and didn’t answer back. So this is an issue that it’s making me less self confident, because I’m thinking that he actually didn’t like how I probably looked or that he actually had a different perception of me. So I don’t know if I should talk about it with him and make things clear or I should just forget about him?

  58. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Carolina, If you only hung out once and he hasn’t responded to your text, It’s time to let go and move on. There’s no way to find out if this is about your looks or something else. I doubt it’s your looks as he saw your photo online right? But there may have been something else that didn’t appeal. Or he’s not ready to date. Or you reminded of him of someone else. Or he got distracted. Etc. There’s no way to know except one thing – he’s not the right man because the right man would ask you out again. When you do not know what happened, asking an unresponsive man will not get you answers.

    Regarding self confidence, look within for that. You cannot base how you feel about yourself on how men respond because that will have your confidence go up and down. You must feel good about yourself as a woman on your own, not through men’s eyes. Some will be attracted and others won’t. So I encourage you to work on your self-esteem and build that up. Dress nicely, take care of your body and be the best person you can be. That will help.

  59. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sheron, He may not be sure he wants to start anything. I don’t know if you are in the friend zone or not. My suggestion is to simply relax, go for coffee and see what happens. If the coffee happens, then see what he does next. Do not prompt him or say you want to do it again or anything like that. Just say it was fun (if it was) and thank you. Or it was nice spending time with you. Let him decide if he wants to do it again. That will save you from embarrassment in case he isn’t really interested. Men flirt all the time but it doesn’t mean they want to date you – check out this post about why men flirt to learn more.

  60. Gina

    Hi Ronnie. I have been friends with this guys for 3 years… I find myself doing most of the work. When I invite him out he will either come or make excuses. I am very confused because when I tell him how I feel and how he has been acting, he fixes it right away. We only see each other a few times a year, because I am too shy to ask him to hang out. I called him out on how I would like to see him more and would like to have him make more of an effort in the friendship. He agreed and even picked a time. Then he told me that he needed to reschedule because his game had gotten rained out and reschedule for the day we were suppose to meet. Do I accept a reschedule day? When I called him out on not hanging out more he said that I need to be more vocal and tell him it is what I want to do. Is this guy just lazy and I have to do all of the work or am I being blown off? His actions don’t speak it, but then sometimes it does. I think for knowing someone for so long we should be hanging out more. Should I just tell him I like him and see if that changes things?

  61. Natalia

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met this guy on the dating site and met on Friday grabbed a coffee and went for a drive. We had a great time, so many topics to discuss, he asked if I would go for a dinner with him the next time and I said yes. He kissed me and said he will text me when he gets home. He did that and said again that he would really like to see me. This time I said I enjoyed the time and I’d like to meet again as well. The next day (he knew I have plans) he said that if my plans change he would really like to see me. I said that I don’t think it’ll be possible that day but I could meet him on Tuesday. He didn’t say yes or no. Today, Sunday, he didn’t text me at all so I did. I would really like to talk in person again. He said sure just tell me when, so I said that I am still free on Tuesday if he’s up to it. He replied that he is smashed and can’t afford to go out, so I said we could think of something which doesn’t involve money like a walk in the park. He read my message and never replied although he is online all the time. It makes me feel so confused. He tells me so many times that he wants to see me and then make excuses that he can’t afford. What that could mean?

  62. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Natalia,
    He asked you to dinner but then said he couldn’t afford it. Sounds like a liar to me. Perhaps he just wants to know women want to see him even if he doesn’t have money. Who knows. What matters is that you don’t need to date a man who is broke, confuses you and is inconsistent. Look at it this way – you got a quick answer to the question of, “is he the one for me?” That’s a definite “NO”. Time to move on. The point of dating is to sort through men to find a good match. He’s not it.

  63. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Gina,
    The problem is you are doing all the work which means you are chasing him. I can’t see that he fixed much if you only saw him three times a year. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? Doesn’t sound like you are too happy. If you only see him when you reach out and make plans, that tells you he’s not really interested. Men who are really into you make sure they see you and stay in touch.

    Is he lazy? YES! But that’s what happens when you chase men. You end up with a man who lets you do all the work. Your best bet is to stop contacting him completely. If he has any genuine interest, he’ll contact you. But don’t be too sad or surprised when this guy disappears. I”m so sorry to tel you he’s not really into you. He’s not the man for you if you want a close, loving and lasting relationship.

  64. Zizi

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve been seeing this guy for like 3 months, and we always meet up at least once a week (usually twice a week), but the problem is, he never initiate to ask me out first or text me first, even in our first meeting, he was only giving me some clues that he wants to meet me. And i just blurted if he wants to see me then he could meet me. I wonder what’s wrong with him like why he never planned our date first. I did ask him but he told me he is busy. I’m kinda getting mixed signals in here because he never said no everytime i planned “our” date and he seems like interested with me.
    Is he just stringing me all along? should i just close my eyes and find someone else?

  65. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Zizi,
    The problem with a woman asking a man out is she never really knows if he likes her or is going along for the ride. In other words, you are fun enough to hang out with until a better woman comes along. When you asked him he did provide an excuse – “he’s busy.” I don’t see how that applies do you? If he has time to go out, he has time to plan.

    So, I’m thinking you could be on to him – he’s stringing you along. If he were really into you, he’d set up the date to impress you or ensure he’d have time with you. But he’s willing to wait until you do the asking. He could also be extremely lazy (not a great trait) or dating is not a priority but if you do all the work he’ll go – again not so great.

    The only thing you can do here is stop asking him out and see what he does. He might ask you out or never see you again. But then you’ll have a better idea of where he stands. In the future – leave the asking to the man – that’s the best way to know if a guy is genuinely interested or not – consistent weekly dates over several weeks with communication in between to stay in touch. I recommend reading this post on the Ballroom Dancing Principle of Dating which explains the best strategy for dating.

  66. Zizi

    HI Ronnie,

    Thank you very much for your answer, now i know what to do and just let him take the lead, if he is gone, then it’s a simple answer.

  67. Stephanie

    Hi Ronnie 🙂

    I met a guy at a store he owns, he acted very interested and asked for my number which he wrote down on a piece of paper and promised to call me. 2 weeks went by and I received no phone call. I then decided to drop by at his store, this time he made me put my number in his phone. A few minutes later he texted me and said that he would love to meet up with me soon (vague) & asked me to make the plans, I told him that I’m very flexible and would rather depend on him since he has a very busy work schedule… He read the message but didn’t reply. Some advice please… He was super nice and flirty but has been silent for 2 weeks now. Would really appreciate some advice 🙂

  68. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Stephanie,
    Some men are…lazy. I love how you flipped it back to him when he asked you to set up the date. Keep in mind how you start things with a man is how you set a precedence and the energy for your dating and potential relationship. If you prefer that a man asks and sets up dates initially, then you need to be true to yourself. So now you have a decision to make. You can set up the date ONE TIME, see how it goes and if he sets up the next one to satisfy your curiosity about the flirty man. Or you can decide you deserve a man who will put energy into pursuing you. It’s totally up to you and there’s no wrong choice as long as you don’t set up more than the first date.

  69. Fen

    Here is some more advice: Not all men are like this, and many women are like this too. So its not a gender thing at all. When you say Men this and men that it makes you look bad in the eyes of a serious date.

  70. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Fen, I agree women leave things vague too and it’s not always fair for either side. Men have a right to behave as they may, so do women. My point is to help women identify behavior that let’s them know a man is not serious about them or potentially any woman.

  71. Colleen

    This guy flecked on me but sensed how rude I felt he was. So he replied ” I really do want to hang out with you.” So than the next day when I messaged him again To hang he hasn’t even replied back.

  72. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Colleen,
    Yeah some men stand you up even though they feel bad. But the only thing that matters is the behavior not the words. So he flaked on you – now you know he’s not the right man. The right guy would never do that. Just move on – there are plenty more men.

  73. Sarah

    Hey Ronnie!
    I am also very confused. I matched with a guy on a dating site. We talked, had a good connection, similar interests and he seemed very smart and wise. We planned a date and it went well, little awkward but he was very kind and charming man. I started to like him after the date and we texted for 4 weeks. I hinted about another date and he asked me to go to the movie. But I had to work all week so the week after I could go. He said okay. But we talked less and for 1 week not at all. He didn’t came up with actual solid date plans. When he texted later he says he was busy with school, that’s true he has a busy life. He also said he wasn’t very familiar with online dating, and felt a little insecure. Does he not know what he wants? He is very vague lately and doesn’t have a lot to talk about. I like this guy, but what should I do with him? I asked him out today but he told me he would love to go but had a busy study week and would come back to it after his studying was over (last year university). So maybe I’m making too much of it or..?

  74. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah,
    There’s a lot going on in your question so I’ll get right to the point. 1) If a guy doesn’t ask you out within 7-10 days of your first date, he’s not serious about you. 2) Don’t waste your time texting for 4 weeks – a man who does that clearly doesn’t want to see you , just text. 3) When a man asks you out, try not to push it off a week – find time because his interest can easily wane during this time. 4) Men who suggest vague dates don’t usually plan to go through with it or are hoping for better options later. 5) He’s too busy studying? This is nothing more than an excuse – you certainly aren’t planning to wait until he is finished with being at University right?

    So, overall, there’s nothing to do with this guy but stop communicating and move on. He’s not the man for you because f nothing else, he isn’t pursuing you at all. There are other men – go mingle!

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