Ever meet a man casually, decide you want to date him, so you did a little detective work like this reader did? My dating advice for women is to think twice before appearing desperate or like a stalker.
Doing Too Much Detective Work Can Make You Look Like a Stalker
I am interested in a guy I met in the building where I work. First time we met was on the elevator – we walked to the cafe (in the building) together having polite conversation. He introduced himself and I gave him my name. I enjoyed his company and thought he was nice.
My divorce finalized a month later. Then we ran into each other again this time in cafe he stood behind me waiting to order breakfast. We talked again while ordering breakfast but that was it. As I was leaving this time I said, “We should have coffee sometime.” He responded, “Absolutely.”
I waited a week to see if he’d contact me, but he didn’t. So I searched his first name in our work directory and sent him an email saying, “Thought I’d hold you to that coffee date, but later realized I did not give you my number. This is my cell number ——”save it in your phone. If you’re interested in me, I hope to hear from you soon. Like REAL SOON :-)”
So far, no response and I waited two weeks before I sent an IM today with one word “Hi.” Still nothing. I don’t know such as if he is married, engaged, or involved or if I emailed the right guy. I’m also probably in denial that he’s just not that in to me.
For my third attempt to satisfy my curiosity, I’m wondering if I contacted the right perso,n so I want to go by his cube. I have no idea what to say, if it is him. I don’t want to appear like I’m stalking him. Is this what I’m looking forward to being single and over 40? I’m trying to plant a bug that I’m interested. Is this the wrong way to approach him and am I seeming desperate and pushing him away running?
Thanks for your help,
Dear Elevator Gal,
I’ll be direct and start off simply saying – yes, you are about to look like a stalker. You emailed, IMd and now want to walk by his cube? Please don’t do it. You do look desperate and you will probably freak him out. Just because your have a conversation with a man doesn’t mean he wants to date you.
The very best thing you can do is learn about dating over 40 and how it works. When you ask is this what you have to look forward to dating over 40, my response is that you seem very confused about the signals men send. He was just polite and talking to you. Even if he flirted with you, that holds no promise of anything more.
When a man is truly interested, he will ask for your number and ask you out. Then you have to be patient to see if he asks you out again. What works best is to let the man lead for the first four dates or so. To understand the Ballroom Dancing Theory of Dating and letting the man lead, you might want to read the post.
Is it the end of the world that you emailed him first? Not really. However, satisfying your curiosity will make a stalker out of you. Walking past his cube is not advisable. You need to accept that most times in dating when things do move ahead, you just won’t know what happened. Dating definitely involves a good amount of mystery, and you will never learn why certain things happened…or didn’t happen.
To meet more men, try online dating or singles dances. Get your friends to fix you up. That’s how you meet men who are looking to date. Being friendly and talking to men is a wonderful way to meet men too. Just don’t have any expectations. If you meet a man and he wants to date you, he’ll ask you out. Men know what to do, even when they are shy.
There’s no need to plant bugs so directly with men. You can flirt of course, but again, don’t expect anything to come of it. Being friendly can work with some men, and it is a good practice because it makes you more approachable. But, I’m afraid if you continue with your current tactics that are a bit aggressive, you will push men away or make them run. As a woman, your role is to get men to come to you – that’s what feminine charm and allure are all about.
My dating advice for women is to keep reading blogs like this one, and even a few books like my MANIfesting Mr. Right which explains exactly how I found the man I married at 43. Once you learn more about dating in midlife, you’ll have your expectations set to reality and know more about what to do and what to avoid at all costs so you don’t look desperate.
Wishing you love,