Understanding Men in a Long Distance Relationship

This woman’s question is about understanding men, long distance relationships, and what to do about a man who has become less available. Discover my dating advice on how to handle the gap in his attention.

understanding menIs He Pulling Away and What Can I Do about It?

“Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,

I met this great guy online and we’ve been ‘dating’ long distance for 7 months. I live in California and he lives in the U.K. – but the moment we started chatting, we hit it off, and now we play an online game together, just so we can stay in touch and Skype as much as we can. We talk or message every day, are very attracted to each other and have already exchanged I love you’s.

Recently, I went to finally meet him and we had an absolutely blissful two weeks of bonding together. Of course, we were eventually intimate (6 months of physically longing for each other is a long time!) and the sex was fantastic. It was difficult to leave him after spending every waking moment together and he even introduced me to his parents and I spent time with his 3 year old son.

But now, being back for almost a week, I must admit to feeling some anxiety. Maybe it’s separation anxiety? We’ve skyped only a few times this week and he’s had visitors for the 3 days so I haven’t ‘seen’ him. He has messaged me, told me he loves me, but other than that, hasn’t initiated contact in a day or so.

Maybe I’m over thinking this, but could it be that he’s pulling away from me? It feels like I have more of a need to see and talk to him than he does for me. It’s not that he’s cold, it’s that he’s become unavailable.

I knew, going into this, that a long distance relationship (LDR) would be hard, but it’s also difficult to know what to do or how to act, when he isn’t physically here. Should I call or message him when he’s not initiating contact himself? What’s the protocol in a LDR? I have read with great interest your stand on women ‘pursuing’ men (don’t do it) but I hate to think that he and I haven’t already established an open line of communication by now.

He hasn’t indicated any level of annoyance when I have gone a bit overboard with trying to reach him but I don’t want to push him away by appearing desperate or needy, though. (Even though I feel like I am!) So I wonder: Is it necessary to give someone ‘space’ when there is already an abundance of geographical space?? Is Skyping everyday and chatting while we play an online game together too much? I am really into this man and am hopeful about a future together.

Please help me with some of your amazing insight,
California Dreamer

Hi Dreamer,

You could be over thinking this.  But, admitting that you’ve already gone overboard trying to reach him let’s me know you’re probably more into him than he is into you. Your intuition is likely telling you something.

While I agree, you’ve been connecting for seven months, you haven’t been in a true relationship. Skyping and gaming are not the same as a relationship with face-to-face dates. Regardless, even if he lived near by I would give the same advice which is to pull away. You have already seen pushing to reach him is not working, so it’s time to back off.

When you pull away, one of two things could happen:

1) He’ll come to you as you leave space for him to miss you
2) You won’t hear from him which is your biggest fear

However, either one of these options is BETTER than pursuing him further. If he is just busy with visitors, you’ll look extremely  unappealing and desperate. When it comes to understanding men, know that a relationship is often like a dance, even as years get invested. Sometimes you simply have to pull back, give a man space and let him come to you. Otherwise he can feel cornered and withdraw further which is not the reaction you are seeking.

I could be completely off base, but I have heard this kind of story before. You think you are “dating” for months. The fantasy was romantic and fun for both of you. Then you meet and have an amazing time. Sadly, this has nothing to do with building a future or his being serious about you.

I encourage you to let go and see if he comes to you. If he doesn’t, you have your answer. That means he is no longer interested. You might as well find out now rather than waste several more months on a fantasy relationship with a man who doesn’t want what you want – true love. Understanding men in terms of their interest is a whole lot easier when you don’t ask why he’s doing something and instead judge his interest by his lack of action.

125 responses on “Understanding Men in a Long Distance Relationship

  1. Tygirl

    Hello,
    I was looking for answers to a similar situation and stumbled on this beautiful piece of advice. I am in a long distance relationship with a former friend. We recently reunited via LinkedIn after 8 years. He was glad to know I wasn’t yet married and asked for a serious relationship which began 6 months ago. We text and talk often, and we met physically a few months ago when I traveled to his country for vacation with my brother. I spent a week extra after my brother returned and we had a good time together with a bit more intimacy, during which I met his family members.

    Since I returned, his calls have been far apart, my messages aren’t responded to quickly. I tried to explain it away because he has a lot going on. Then I decided to reduce my contacts and noticed he made more attempts to text and drive the conversation, but it’s a far cry from what we had before I visited. My brother says I should I pull away completely and risk not hearing from him again. But not sure what to do, I’m mid 30s. What do you think/advice?

  2. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tygirl, I agree with your brother. I’d pull away for two reasons: 1) Let’s see how much you matter to this guy. This slow down leads me to believe his interest is waning which often happens once the first visit is over. That can be enough to satisfy the guy’s curiosity before he then trails off. 2) In order to make a long distance relationship work, which they can, you need two very committed people. You need to see each other regularly – maybe 4 times a year at least and have consistent conversation in between. So you might be better off finding love locally. Local love is far less complicated.

  3. Hopelessly Hopeless

    I honestly have tears in my eyes. Because reading everything above only solidifies how I feel. I am 29 years old, and I have loved the same man for over a decade. When we were younger, we had more of a friendship than anything. We were on off here and there. But nothing ever too serious. I moved away from the state we both lived, and for about two years, we remained friends. The truth is I have always wanted to be with him. When I was 18, I thought this thing will wear off. But it hasn’t. I have been with and dated many suitable men. I have a son by one of them, but no one is him.
    In 2011, he said he wanted to try a relationship again. But this time he wanted long term, marriage, kids, and I was just so happy that the feeling wasn’t one sided. But year after year we grow increasingly distant. It’s so hard to know how he feels, he’s not very verbally expressive. I am pushing him away because I am frustrated about what is happening. He used to to say and do things to show me he still wanted this……..wanted to be with me. Now I just feel like he calls more out of obligation. I don’t want to lose him. All these feelings of uncertainty and we’re so far apart. I don’t know anymore. And I’m afraid of what life will be like without him. But I feel that one day soon that maybe the case. I am desperate. Not because I can’t meet anyone else, I get offers all the time. Just that I don’t think I could ever love another man, the way I love him.

  4. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Hopeless, At 29 you are in the bloom of life with so much that is possible! It’s time to stop behaving like a victim of love and take charge of your life. Women often think, “I can’t help it” but that is NOT TRUE. Make a conscious choice to move on and heal so you can love again. There are men who are far better than this guy who can’t commit after 10 YEARS. He’s dragging you through the mud and you are letting him do it. As a result you are not open to other men.

    You deserve better. But it’s up to you. I recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much which is about love addiction. You might find this extremely helpful. And find a therapist to get the support and strategies to move on. There’s no shame in this. You are not pushing this guy away – he has never really been committed to you. My wish for you is the strength to walk away and find a healthy, lasting love with a man who is relationship ready.

  5. Teresa

    I have been with my partner for 8 months. We met on a dating website. I live in nz and he in Australia. After 2 solid months of talking he booked his flights to see me and meet for the first time. It was amazing! And following that we have been flying back and forth to one another with no more than a month and a half gap between visits. Recently tho I seem to be struggling with separation anxiety. Our last visit he spent 6 days over here in nz. It went so fast and just when I got used to having him around he was gone again.

    I move to Australia in a 6 weeks to try living together which will be rad. However since his last visit I have become super needy and really negative. I complain about my job so much and seem to need constant reassurance that we are ok. We recently had a chat and he told me that the more I question him the more he goes in to deep thought and freak out mode! I had know idea I was pushing him away this much. He tells me he loves me and to just hang on in there, but I now feel like he has withdrawn a little bit.

    I have no idea on how to make a comeback from this and be the happy, positive girl he fell in love with. Would really love some advice as I feel a little lost and don’t want to keep having these chats about feelings with him.

  6. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Teresa, Anxiety is not an easy thing but you cannot put pressure on him to reduce it. That is up to you. Have you had anxiety before? This might be bigger than your relationship – like leaving your own country and everything you know. A counselor/therapist could help talk you through it and give you some solutions. There are also temporary medications for anxiety that can help. Even an herbal remedy – Bach Flower has Rescue Remedy – herbal drops to help you calm down – usually found in a health food store or maybe the pharmacy/chemist. Meditation has also been a proven help for anxiety. Investigate some things that will help and try them – hopefully you’ll get back to feeling good again soon.

  7. Mariana

    I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago and we started as friends however we quickly became more. Our relationship was very strong. Our friends would say they wanted to have a love like we have and that they could see how much we loved each other when my boyfriend and I were with each other. A day before our 9 month mark I had to move due to a job relocation. We have been dating long distance for a little over 3 months. Things have been great, I’ve visit very often and one visit I stayed for 2 weeks. Everything has been fine until a few days ago. He’s talked to me less and when we do talk he seems that he doesn’t want to talk and is doing it just to make me happy. I’m 1000% certain he’s not acting this way because he cheated so I don’t know why his sudden change in attitude/feelings. He seems very cold towards me. I love him no matter the circumstance and no matter the distance. He’s feels that same but he isn’t sure what to think of long distance. I’m worried that if something isn’t helped/said/changed our once strong relationship will slowly become weak. Suggestions?

  8. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mariana, The best thing you can do is ask him how what’s going on. You are not at the beginning of dating when asking would be inappropriate. You are in a relationship so there will always be times when you need to work things out – talking about them is the way to go. You could say something like, “I have noticed over the past few days that you seem distant. Please tell me what’s on your mind.” See what he says. If he doesn’t want to talk about it – that’s not a good sign for your relationship. Long distance can be difficult and both parties have to want it to work. Be brave and address it – you might as well know the truth.

  9. Kim

    I dated a guy over 20 years ago. But we have since married other people, had kids, and are now divorced. I thought about him over the years and looked for him on Facebook. I noticed his status said “single” so I reached out and sent a message. We immediately hit it off and started texting and then he started to call me. Things got VERY flirtatious quickly. He revealed in the past he would think about me when he drove past my old neighborhood (we now live about 3 hours apart). He told me he dreamt about me. This went on for several weeks and he seemed anxious to see me again. It was almost if we were dating again!

    Fast forward to today…he texts and calls less frequent and calls our shorter. I’m always initiating contact. However, I now haven’t heard from him in 2 days and was wondering what I might have done. Why the sudden drop in interest? He does have a very demanding job and a teenage daughter with whom he shares custody with his ex. But he went from constant texting to nothing. We haven’t seen each other yet. I have decided to refrain from contacting him, even though I really want to see what’s going on. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

  10. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kim,
    Sounds to me like your high school boyfriend was into the fantasy vs.the reality of a relationship with you. Sorry to tell you he’s showing clear signs of not being serious about you. It’s disappointing but no big harm done. You are smart to stop contacting him – that’s the surest way to see how man really feels about you. Even though it’s only been two days, he’s already shown you he’s not the man for you because you deserve a man who makes an effort to see you and is consistent in his communication and pursuit. Time to move on to find a man who is genuinely interested in a relationship.

  11. Nana

    Hi
    I need advice please! I met a guy when he was on holiday and we had amazing week. He was texting and calling me a lot when he was back home. He convinced me he had feelings and nagged me to visit him for a long time. I decided to visit him for only 3 weeks coz I wanna see how things would go. We were intimate and had wonderful time. He said it was great to have me with him after my holidays was over. He is always really busy with work. I’m not a needy or nagging gal. We are in mid 30s. After I left him for over a week, he did not text or call me like he did before. But he texts almost everyday but very minimal. He does not respond to the topics I discuss. So I left msg one day to take care of himself and I guess you are so busy now and can’t even bother to text me back…Next day, he explained me with long text that he is so busy and feels like a robot since I left him . He can’t connect himself… I replied him that sorry for sounding selfish. But I feel he is distant now. Any advice on how I should respond:( thank you so much, Little Nana

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Little Nana,
    Long distance love is very hard. When you meet a man on vacation or holiday, that’s not real life. People are often more open, friendly and even romantic on holiday. But it rarely turns into a real relationship, especially when you live in different countries. Chalk it up to a fun vacation fling. Since he is started to drift away, that’s your signal it’s over and time to move on. Look for local guys in your own area – its so much easier to create a relationship locally than long-distance which is fraught with problems and makes it so hard to spend time together.

  13. Alex

    Hi,
    I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. My bf and I dated for 5 months before he had to go back to his home country. We’ve been doing long distance for almost 2 years and I’ve even visited him and spent time with his family. But we live in different countries. He says he loves me, but he’s not sure how we can make it work with the distance thing . We still talk everyday but I’m starting to wonder if I’m selling myself short because we still communicate like bf & gf. It’s hard to go cold because we never fight and i have no reason to stop talking to him. What do I do?

  14. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Alex,

    I don’t know how old you are but it seems like there was no talk of marriage or moving? If there’s no future of being in the same country, then you are definitely selling yourself short. Find a local guy for lasting love that can grow and lead to long-term commitment.

  15. Tabby

    I met someone 7 months ago. We both live in different states. Initially, he would contact me often. Sometimes too much. He would often send me good morning text and thinking of you. We have only had one face to face visit and we have one pending. We both have busy lives. Well lately, his calls and morning texts are decreasing. Sometimes, I text him and won’t get a response until the next day, which I think is rude. I have tried the distancing thing and when I do, he always reaches out to me call or text. Sometimes, I do him like he does me and don’t respond until a day or sometimes two days later. Each time I do that he reaches out to me. He has never gone over 1 day of not talking to me, unless I’m ignoring him for not responding to me. We don’t have sex talk/text anymore. By the way we have not been intimate. I’m so confused. I don’t want to nag him about the decrease in the communication; however, it clearly bothers me. I guess he is still interested in me because he does reach out to me when I give him space. My gut is telling me something isn’t right. I do have trust issues. I just don’t feel he is emotionally connected to me like I want him to be. Please advise. I really like him. We do share a common thing. We are both raising our kids on our own. I want this to work, but in the same term I don’t want to waste my time. I’m in my 40s and ready for a commitment.

  16. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tabby, Please know I say this with compassion for you but you are NOT in a relationship with this guy. One date does not make a relationship – it takes many dates over several weeks. So you are correct, he is NOT emotionally connected to you.

    Texting with someone daily is also NOT being in a relationship. A slow down in communication is a definite SIGN – he’s not interested enough. He’s probably texting/sexting with several women. Keep in mind that one date doesn’t imply exclusivity – in fact exclusivity is NEVER implied. It’s something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon. But not after one date.

    Sadly, there is NOTHING you can do to make a man more interested. As you noticed he responds when you ignore him but what does that tell you? I recommend you read this post about texting which explains how this is an ego-feeding activity for the men (women do this too). So when you stop he wants the attention and reaches out. So, it’s time to move on. I urge you to not get prematurely attached to a man. H e needs to prove trustworthiness over weeks before you fall for him and let your guard down. Trust is not something you just give away.

  17. Tabby

    Ronnie,

    Thank you for the response and I understand what you are saying. I do realize I am not in a relationship with him, that is why in my post I never metinoned relationship. I was hoping to build a relationship. I met him online and as I mentioned we live in 2 different states. Our first encounter he took me around his co-workers. He has sent me gifts on V-day and on Mother’s Day. He talked about moving to my state. I didn’t think a man not interested in you would do such things. That is where my confusion comes from. Also seeing each other often with our careers and raising children is just not going to happen. That is why we have only had one face to face contact. I personally believe if you are trying to entertain distant dating than you have to have strong communication. That’s not happening right now and I agree with you, it’s time to move on. I really don’t have time to play text or call games with a man to feed his ego. It’s just so unnatural to play games. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is. Thank you for enlightening me.

  18. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Tabby – I can see why you are confused but his slow down still let’s you know his interest has waned. Sometimes men talk a good came – like saying on your date he could see moving…big talk, little action right? Good for you for seeing it’s time to move on – life is short!

  19. Grace

    Hi Ronnie,

    My name is Grace and my recent ex boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for almost three years. We started off long distance in college but saw each other often and developed a strong connection. This was my first love and I was his first serious relationship and so sparks were high. We even lived together after college and he was a huge support system to me when my brother passed as well as before when I was dealing with major depression. Recently, he began grad school in Florida for a demanding program. He is stressed and I felt as though he put me on the back shelf. I told him I wasn’t happy with our relationship due to the lack of communication and expression on his end. When I ask him how he feels, he constantly says “I don’t know” or responds with asking me how we can fix things. However, with me constantly voicing how what I don’t like, he feels criticized yet he never tells me what he doesn’t like until tensions are high. For example, He told me he felt like I am smothering him after about a week of me communicating how I felt about the relationship. The more I ask him questions about how he feels about what I’ve shared, he half answers or doesn’t answer at all and I get more frustrated. I still love him but he told me the love is fading and he needs time and space. He says his priority is school, not getting to root of why he can’t communicate and express he feelings. I get it but I just feel lost and unappreciated.

  20. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Grace, I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time with your boyfriend. Here’s what I know – it takes two people to make a relationship work. He has told you school is his first priority and this is clear in his behavior. The more you try to fix things, the more smothered and criticized he feels.

    There’s only one move left for you – walk away. Sometimes a relationship just stops working, especially when it’s no longer a priority for the other person. It’s time to pull the plug since talking isn’t making it better. A lot of men do things to push women away so the woman does the breaking up – many men hate confrontation.

    Keep in mind that you are not doing this to get somewhere with him. On a rare occasion, the emptiness creates longing and the person returns realizing what he is missing. But that is rare and your boyfriend is focused on school. So this is most likely the end of the line. But you will heal and then find a new man – one who is ready for the kind of relationship you want.

  21. Elle

    Hi-
    Two decades ago I met the love of my life. We were both young and immature and lived together for 1.5 years. He asked me to marry him, then, changed his mind, saying we were too young. One night we argued and he told me I wasn’t the one, I left and hadn’t talked to him in 18 years. Fast forward- he reconnected with me on FB 8 months ago. I was wary at first, but we spent four months getting to know each other via text and phone. We shared our feelings – and he constantly sent me lovely romantic emails. We have seen each other four times and 3 were amazing. This last time I went for a family event. We argued about many things and gave me the cold shoulder and was rude much of the time. Since I’ve been back I have given him his space, he has been phoning me and texting, but not as much as. When he contacts me he is still nice and things ‘seem’ normal, but I sense a change. Once when I texted him, he called me instead- is that a bad or good sign? I can’t tell. Also – he has MS and he has ED, so no we have not been intimate. What do you think?

  22. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Elle,
    You didn’t tell me if he ever apologized for his bad behavior but I”m thinking he didn’t. So, you spent a few days with a man who was rude, cold, has MS and ED and is demonstrating waning interested based on texting etc. I guess I’m wondering why you even care? Who needs this guy and what value is he bringing to your life? Romantic emails are meaningless if his treatment of you is substandard.

    This man just showed you he’s not the right man for you as he did 20 years ago. Ditch him and move on girlfriend! You deserve consistency in your relationship, to be well treated, cherished, loved and respected. So maybe start with self-respect and dump this guy fast. You are worthy of a quality man and relationship and don’t settle for less.

  23. Anna

    Dear Ronnie,
    Last year I met a man on tinder from Spain and we’ve been dating for a year. We communicated by Skype and whatsup for 6 months before my mother and I went on vacation to Spain and we met in person. Then he asked me to come to Barcelona where he lives. I go every 2-3 months and we have great time. He splits the ticket cost with me and covers most of the expenses. Coming to my country is complicated as he needs a visa which is difficult to get. We still communicate by whatsup and Skype. Recently we spent 12 marvelous days together on vacation. I feel that we are happy together. However, he doesn’t says anything about our future. Sometimes he says I need to find a job in Spain. For me it would be extremely difficult as I need a job permission. Plus, in my home country I have quite a good life (career, finance, apartment etc), so I can’t risk it. Also, I haven’t been introduced to his friends or family. All these circumstances make me doubt if he is really serious about our relationship. Shall I initiate the talk and ask him all these questions directly? I’m afraid to look desperate or needy, plus I do not want to scare him away. I would be very grateful for your advice. Anna

  24. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Anna, I know this is confusing – distance always makes things harder. Boiling it down to the simplest terms, since you don’t want to leave your own country why are you dating this man long distance? Even if he introduced you to friends and family and talked about the future – what would that change? I understand you don’t want to risk moving – do you think he should? I’m sure it’s wonderful but this isn’t practical. You could end up wasting a lot of time in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere by your own design. Why not look for a good man in your country since that makes the most sense? If you change your mind and want to see if you could work things out long term, absolutely ask him these questions directly! never be afraid to work things out or ask questions, especially after a full year. If he’s not open to the conversation, then you know he’s not the right man. It really is that simple.

  25. Anna

    Dear Ronnie,

    Thanks a lot for clarifying things to me. I realize myself that it is time to talk however I needed that someone else voiced it to me.
    Kind regards,
    Anna

  26. angel

    Dear Ronnie,

    I’m in a new long distance relationship with a colleague. We met when he was in Asia for a short term special assignment. To make it short, it was a love at first sight. Our meeting was arranged by a common friend. The first 2 months were wonderful and I was really happy but lately everything has changed. He doesn’t message me like before and they are shorter. He always tries to end the conversation. I asked him why he is changing and he said he is busy. Everyone can be busy but everyone can also spare time right? Now my happiness has been covered with doubts and its making me more lonely than ever. Should I give up this ambitious relationship now or I’m just overthinking? I honestly don’t want to give up on him but I think the reason I’m holding on is because I’m scared to be alone again.

  27. Kiki

    Dear Ronnie,
    I met my now boyfriend almost ten years ago. We were just really good friends back then living in separate countries. We lost contact a few years ago. Fast forward to the beginning of this year. He came to visit his family, we reconnected and decided to date. We still live in different countries. In the beginning it was the dream, everything was so perfect but lately after 7 months he just started withdrawing and acting distant. When I tried asking him, he always says its because of his new job and we do live in different time zone. But deep inside, I feel like there is much more to it because he is so inconsistent in his actions and doesn’t put too much effort. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

  28. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kiki, As I said in the post, long-distance is very hard because it takes two committed people. If he is inconsistent with his actions and attention that does tell you something about him. You are smart to realize that. His interest is declining. How often can you see each other anyway with living in separate countries? Why not look for local guys to date? Or maybe suggest going back to just friends now to help you let go. Worrying never helps, is emotionally draining and there’s nothing you can do to make a man be more interested.

  29. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Angel, I’m sorry to say, once a man starts pulling away and decreases his attention, that is never a good sign. A lot of men use the “I’m so busy” excuse to put off interaction or seeing a woman. This is just an excuse and men who do this hope the woman will get the hint and break up. I know you are afraid to be alone, but the reality is you are alone. He’s not with you if he’s always busy. And long distance relationships are so hard. You need two committed people and clearly he’s not. I wrote another post about long distance relationships you might want to read. So the best thing for you might be to let go of him. It will save you from further disappointment and heartbreak. There are plenty more men out there – look locally for a new man – it’s so much easier!

  30. Drowning

    So I am almost in tears. I met a man in California who has expressed tons of interest and even flew here (mi) to meet me in July. I am leaving in two days to see him for a weekend and supposed to go back in November. Over the past week he has stopped calling me “baby” in the text messages and at times things don’t feel as comfortable as they did. In the beginning he said that he didn’t want to be hurt and if I wasn’t serious I should tell him. He used to send me cute songs that reminded him of me and has not done that either. I feel like things have shifted. I spend a lot of time in my head and I think I overthink everything and tend to screw things up. I am nervous he is just trying to keep things ok between us because we already have plans made in November. I have honestly thought about canceling the flight. I will go this week and see how it goes but I really like this man. Possibly even love him. He says he has been honest with me and has not lied. I told him once a long time ago that I would prefer he is honest with me. I don’t want to be hurt either, as my marriage just ended completely. I also don’t want to jump back into anything. But I think this man made me fall in love, even saying there was nothing holding him there early on. Please help I’m drowning!

  31. Henrietta

    hi Ronnie
    I’ve been in a distance relationship with this guy I met on facebook some few months ago. we chat for hours and video chat almost all the time but about three weeks now he has stopped answering my calls and stopped responding to my SMS. we haven’t met before but I feel so attracted to him and honestly I love him so much. Now the problem is I don’t know where he lives even though he gave me his address and everything. I’m afraid to go and look for him because I don’t know how his reaction will be when he sees me in his house. I’m 100% sure he is not married but I want to know why has withdrawn from me. I’ve not done anything bad to him too. I even confronted him when he started ignoring me and he said he has been busy with work but what could make a man so busy to make time for the woman he claims to love?

  32. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Henrietta, Sorry this happened to you. The “busy at work” excuse is a man’s way of letting you down easily (in his mind). Sadly FB relationships are often like this – not real and only virtual. If you want to find love, meet men locally and don’t allow yourself to text, facetime and call men who don’t go on real dates. After 7 days of contact without a date, stop all communication. It’s the only way to keep from falling in love with a virtual man who will never meet you.

    Most of all, please understand he didn’t pull away because you did something wrong. He got distracted by another woman or the woman he’s with found out about you or any of a number of other things. it doesn’t matter because he’s NOT a nice guy. He never intended to meet you. So let go, move on and meet men locally. Check out this post on long distance relationships to learn more.

  33. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Dear Drowning, You say you don’t want to jump back into anything but you also think you are in love. That’s a big conflict. You’ve only spent a few days with this man. I’m sure you stay in touch but texting is not the way to build a genuine relationship. You need time together. That’s why long distance relationships are so hard and often don’t work and I’ve linked to a post about that.

    Distance puts too much pressure for seriousness too early on. It seems you are prematurely attached to him without knowing if he’s worthy. Now he’s pulling back which is not a good sign. Were you being a bit needy, asking him if he’s been honest or lied to you? Showing this kind of insecurity can push a man away – even if he’s said the same things. Often men say these things because they know it draws a woman in and creates trust so they can sleep with you. If this doesn’t work out, please date local men. Patience and going slow will help you weather the uncertainty that is an avoidable part of dating and finding love. If you are drowning, you have allowed yourself to put all your hopes on this man so I hope you are doing better by now.

  34. Rachel

    OMG. This totally sucks. It’s only been a couple of months with 600 miles between us but it was quite the whirlwind as we exchanged I love you’s and said it quite often. And just like the rest of you ladies, I’m noticing he started pulling away. And I’m having a gut feeling he is talking to other women. We’ve had 2 visits, both pretty frigging magical. There is a 3rd planned and flight booked for him to come up in a couple of weeks, which he has confirmed he still wants to come. But then again, he has his parents up here so he really does not need me for a reason. Anyways..Before, no matter how busy he was or how tired he was, he just wanted to hear my voice and see my face. He would literally say that he needs to see my face and hear my voice. Videos and texts every morning and messages throughout the day were norm. Now, it seems like he’s just not that into it. I was with him a little over a week ago, and it felt pretty solid. But now it seems to be sliding in the other direction. I think the worst thing about it, is the non-stop thinking about it. I’m torturing myself obsessing about it. I wanna know what’s in his head and I can certainly ask, but I guess I’m afraid of where the conversation will lead. Ugh.

  35. jancy

    hi,
    i have meet a guy in sosial app and We both live in different states. Initially, he would contact me often. Sometimes too much. He would often send me good morning text and love you, miss you and we do video calls every my morning and night before he goes to sleep. i day i login to the sosial app and i see him online so i text him and asked him why ur still online at the sosial app that u said you dont want to login again than he was so angry and said he was talking to one of his cousin in that app. so i was not happy with the answer and since that day he was pulling back which i feel so bad and in my mind that he is talking to other women and dont have peace in my mind. so i text him and said why are you ignoring me and he said sorry he was too bz. and no calls and text after that so i text him again and said if you have any other women just let me know i will move back and won’t disturb you again than he said no i love u its just im too bz with my work and alot of things going on over here. he still tetx me on n off and now i dont know what to do.

  36. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rachel, When you feel a man pulling away, it’s not fun. The signs are there and there’s no denying it. It’s hard because most often there are not answers and there will be no closure – just a painful drifting apart. Instead, you might decide to end things which is more like ripping the band aid off quickly and having the pain be over. This can be an empowering step rather than passively watching him slowly disappear from your life.

    You deserve more! You cannot bring him back but, you can walk away with your head held high and your dignity in tact. I hope when you are ready you will take this bold step and make a statement to the Universe that you deserve better. You want a man who loves you for the long run, not a fun tryst that fades away. Go for what you want. Set your intention on a man who will go the distance. That’s why I often advise to look locally for love. It’s just easier.

  37. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jancy, You are chasing this man who is not showing you much respect. Busy is nothing more than an EXCUSE. Men often don’t want to tell you there is another woman. So they disappear, stop contacting you , etc. hoping you’ll break things off. So stop hanging in there hoping he’s suddenly going to be honest or come back to you. He’s letting you know through his lack of action that he is no longer interested, regardless of what he actually says. Let go and move on so you can save face.

  38. Gab

    Hi,
    I met my bf while he was traveling to Asia Aug 2016. We dated for 3 days and slept together before he went back to America. We texted daily for hours for months before I visited him last Dec for a month and then July – September. We had a good time decided to be in rls though he kept saying he didn’t want to get serious due to long distance, but still gave in. Long story short, he sees me in his future but not necessarily marriage. What should I do ? I don’t want to invest so much yet not being able to be with him forever. Help!!!

  39. Jessica Brown

    Hi, Ronnie
    I’ve been talking to this guy that I met on an online gaming site and we’ve been talking for five months . We’ve face timed once and talked on the phone when he can and he even talked to my mom. We both live in the same state. He is a romantic sweet guy. We’ve tried to meet up but something comes up. He’d send me a video explaining why he can’t come. He works a lot and is always on the go do to his job that involves traveling. I told him as long as he doesn’t go a week without talking to me I’m fine. It’s been a week and some days now that I have not heard from him. So I texted him a couple of times and sent two pics. I tried to call today and the day before but I got his voicemail. He had his phone off. I don’t know what to do he’s not the type to just ghost. Did I scare him aware? He told me he’s not scared of anything?

  40. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jessica – I’m just going to tell you the cold truth and hope you won’t mind. Since you’ve never met him and it’s been 5 months, I can say you never will. He has no intention of taking this further. He might be married or have another woman. You’ve been more than patient. I tell my clietns not to wait 7 days and 10 at the most. I don’t care how busy he is, if he wanted to see you he’d FIND the time. The rest is just excuses. He is stringing you along and the worst part is, now you have ramped up to calling him and he doesn’t respond. So here’s the hard part – HE’S NOT INTERESTED. I know that stinks but it’s the truth or he’d pick up the phone and make plans. He IS GHOSTING you. See him for what he is and let go. It’s time to move on. Check out this post about texting for more insights.

  41. Sydney

    Hi Ronnie,

    We been dating for 6 months. We always had a long distance relationship. We already spent time together. He moved to Mexico City to start up a new business. We talked about marriage and kids. He broke it off with me stating that he’s seen his future and he can’t give me what I want as of now. Also, he said He can tell I am unhappy when we speak because we only talk once a week for the last two weeks, And I asked for more attention. I also asked if he loved me since we never said it once and he said he really likes me and I’ll always have his heart. But besides that he said, He has to work 3am-10pm every day
    Now. He also told me he’s broke. He told me he didn’t want to do this but he didn’t want me to resent him for not giving me the attention I need. He said it will take him a year till he starts making money and his schedule won’t be hectic. We both cried on the phone and I said I don’t want to be friends and want to move on. He asked me to not disappear on him. I want to believe that a man moves mountains to be with a woman. Do you think he was lying to me because he lost interest in me?

  42. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sydney – You think he said all that because he lost interest? To be very honest, I’m not sure how interested he ever was. Do you keep in touch with him hoping things will change? His reasons to not be with you are adding up and getting stronger. He doesn’t see you in his future. He knows you’re unhappy and want more which he can’t give you. He’s broke and will be for a year. These are strong hints pushing you away. Now why is he asking you not to give up on him? Ego? Control? Who knows? But the smartest thing you can do is move on and get over this guy because he has proved beyond a doubt he’s not the right man. Why would you hold on for a year? What’s he offering for you? Nothing but stringing you along and continued heartbreak.

  43. mery me

    Hi Ronnie,

    I”m glad to read your articles about long distance. I am 28 and he is American and 24. I’ve known him for more than 6 months as he’s been living in my hometown in Asia. Things got more intimate when I meet his parents who came to Asia for a visit. But now, he’s back in the USA after his year working here. I have to stay here because I’m studying. When he went home, he wanted to break up with me, and I agreed. But he still contacted me like nothing happened. After some time, I asked to break up, then he asked for space and time. I said I’ll give him everything he needs to focus on his future and don’t worry about me falling in love with someone else -I’m way too busy to find another guy. I can see he can’t do the LDR, but at the same time, he loves me. I really don’t mind about LDR. I’ll visit at some point. I don’t want him to get stressed with his life and this LDR. So Ronnie, do you think I am doing the right things (supporting in everything he will do in life), or I should let him go?

  44. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mery Me, Honestly, with him living so far away, both of you studying and asking to break up, letting him go is the only thing that makes sense. Neither of you can visit often enough to make this a real relationship. So it’s more like a fantasy at this point. It was good while you were together but you are NOT together now. Letting him go means you are living in the reality of the situation. Don’t worry about him, he’ll survive. My dating advice is not to sacrifice your life for some long distance guy who wants to Skype but cannot offer you anything from such a distance besides some emotional support.

  45. Savannah

    Hi Ronnie,

    I was “seeing” long-distance since May (Italy-UK). We met in Italy and started talking in May, then met again for a few days in Italy during August. We had plans to meet again in February 2018. We were both on the same page of not looking for anything serious. Over time I starting developing feelings even though he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. But, he said he liked me “more than a friend”, was going to visit and pay half the expenses. His communication has always been a bit off and got worse over time, but he responded quickly, made time to Skype and we had a good connection. He was quite confusing.

    In short – I am currently dealing with the aftermath hurt of “break-up” but understand that cutting him off right now was the best decision for me. I don’t know how I will feel in a few months, and I’m not waiting for him to be “ready” or looking for other men anyway. i\Is there any point in keeping a small hope that things can be reconciled if we both don’t end up with someone in the future or should I just completely forget about him? I say this because I am actually planning to potentially live in Italy in the next couple of years.

  46. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Savannah, Why tie yourself down with hope about a man who is clearly not ready? You already broke things off AND said you aren’t waiting for him. So if you allow HOPE, what will that accomplish? He is certainly not the only man in Italy so when you move, why not be open to a man who is ready and wants a relationship? Makes much more sense to me. You already broke up so let him go.

  47. jane

    First, thank you for all advice and support ur giving to us. I’ve been dating a guy for 6 years! He was a cheater and a playboy (that’s another story) but at the same time I was talking to my best friend living in another country! We were chatting and making video calls every day and whenever he came here we travel and spend so much time together my best friend was in love with me but I wasn’t interested. I started having feelings for him so I told him and we decided to start a serious relationship! I was always talking to my ex so when he found out he called me and said “look I love another woman” I was devastated…one year later he confessed he has done this so that I can be with my ex. Now his girlfriend is living with him he says when I’ll come tell u everything and I’m stuck. I can’t move on nor be with him because whenever i tried to get away he says please, a few months and it will be over. I love you. Should I delete my social media and get away so that he’ll be worried?

  48. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jane, We might have a language barrier because I’m sure I completely understand. But what I can say is that if this man is with another woman now and is asking for you to wait until that is over, NO WAY. don’t do that! You don’t know if he’ll ever com back so you cannot put your life on hold. That is outrageously selfish and sounds narcissistic. You might not like my advice, but the very best thing you can do is block him on your phone and unfriend him on social media so you don’t have to know what he’s up too and he can’t contact you. And walk away to find a real man who can love you. This man is terrible to you and you deserve better.

  49. Dell

    Hi Ronnie,
    I’ve met this guy online from Australia. We’ve been together for 7 months now and he came to my country twice to be with me. I really appreciate the efforts! He is working as an I.T. Specialist and at the same time studying Law. January 1, he became so cold and is no longer sweet. Not even messaging me and not asking me to vidcall which is very unusual of him. He was sweet to me the day before. I asked him if we’re okay, he answered, “I’m tired.” I asked, “Tired of work? Tired of me?” He answered “Tired of everything, tired of work and study.” He didn’t say he’s tired of me, but he also didn’t answer me if ‘we’ are okay. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be supportive and help him feel better, but he is pushing me away. He is different and all of a sudden so cold. My friends say I try not to text/call for 3 days. And if he doesn’t do anything, it means I am not important to him anymore. But if I do that, what if he thinks I don’t support him and that I give up easily? I am so worried and confused. Please give me advice. Thanks in advance!

  50. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Dell, I agree with your friends. Stop contacting him. That’s not showing a lack of support! Why contact a man who doesn’t respond or is cold? It makes no sense to continue putting out the effort. If you stop and he misses you, he may contact you. But give him that space rather than crowding him. The more you push him to connect, the more he’ll retreat. You have said he’s cold and pushing you away – these feelings are correct. So let go to see what happens. Long distance is really hard so be prepared for this to not go your way. And please consider finding love locally – it’s so much easier!

  51. Ash

    Hi Ronnie,
    I live in the USA while the man I am in love with lives in Australia. We have been friends for years and we were always into each other. He even said I literally marked off all his ideals for his dream girl. I recently got a divorce, so we aren’t dating, though everyone knows about him. He told me he loved me and talks about a future. He introduced me to his friends and family and they added me on Facebook. His mom even asked if we plan on marrying. I decided to move to Australia in 7 months and we’ve been in this weird relationship for five. He says he only wants me. But he sucks at communication. He doesn’t text me first, forgets to call when I ask, and never has time for me. I feel we switched roles where I need him more than he needs me. I don’t want to stress him out because he does work a lot and I trust he loves me, but we need a better routine. How can I talk about this or should I pull away? I fear pulling away will make him forget me. I message him once in the morning and once at night. He usually responds at some point but they are quick messages. Should I do something to make sure we can stay strong and survive until the 7 months? As I’m writing this, I already feel like I am being silly.

  52. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ash, You are not being silly! You trust that he loves you but fear if you pull away he’ll forget you? What kind of man would forget the woman he loves? I don’t think you trust his love and I agree! A man in love MAKES TIME for the woman he loves. Talking about the future is easy. Showing his love is what counts. How do you know he loves you? By his short text responses he delivers when he gets around to it? Doesn’t sound loving to me. If he can’t bother to stay in touch, STOP ALL COMMUNICATION. If you stop, and he steps up, then you can see what he’ll do to show his love. I know women who moved to another country to be with a man and had to start a new life alone! The men ignored them. If you don’t mind not having a relationship when you get there, then continue with your plans. But do NOT move to be with some guy who is too lazy to keep in touch. It will NOT get better when you are there – he’s showing you right now that you do not matter. So sorry to say all this, but that is not love.

  53. Roseblink

    Dear Ronnie, i am in an LDR for 18 months now. I’m in Singapore he is in Australia, but we manage to visit each other every 6 weeks. Last Christmas he spent with me for 16 days and this Christmas I spent there for 2 weeks. I also did live with him for 2 months last year to try things out. Everything went smoothly. During my last visit 2 days before my flight, we had a fight. I was drunk and said some hurtful things. I also complained that I still wanna party, while he doesn’t. I am 41 and he is 54. In the morning, we patched things up. He forgave me and said he’d be stupid to lose me and said we’re still together. The day I arrived home, we talked for 4 hours. Then, the next day he became distant and just replied to my text until the 4th day he did not. Now, no text. I sent him an email that I understand and gave him space, and we can talk in a weeks time. What else should I do? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t wanna beg too. I know it was all my fault. Please help.

  54. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Roseblink, I’m sorry to say he either changed his mind or found another woman. What else could it be? You can’t make a man do anything he doesn’t want to do. So your last ditch effort is not to beg but to be direct. While I don’t normally recommend this, you’ve been together for a while so try this. Write him an old fashioned letter which gives you time and space to carefully plan what you say. I would apologize one more time. Tell him why you like him and your relationship. Then ask if there is a chance to work it out or if it’s over. You just want to know so you can move on. But, BE PREPARED – he might not respond. But no answer is an answer. So in a way, sadly, you have an answer right now because he is not responding. But I understand how it doesn’t feel finished just yet. This letter would be your last attempt.

  55. Morgan

    We met on Tinder in the early summer and lived a couple hours apart. We clicked and he drove to see me after work, even to spend a few hours with me. We spent every moment we possibly could together until he left mid July. We talked almost every day. I visited him and he introduced me to his sister and brother. He said he’d hoped I’d fall in love with the city and move there. Before I boarded the plane, he said he missed me.

    He cancelled his visit to see me, grew distant and filled me in less on his life. I visited a week ago and we had a blast. The last night I got a bit drunk, then hopped on a plane at 4:30 am. He was short and distant with me for days, but finally answered my call. He seemed happy to hear from me at then told me the last couple days ere weird and we got on each other’s nerves. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue seeing me. I said I’d give him space, then we chatted until I had to go. I’m so very confused. I feel like the answer is to move on but I’m getting mixed signals.

  56. Marian

    Dear Ronnie, I came across to Matt Hussey video about” What exactly to say when He pulls away”. It was a great video and decided to make a try to hit him a text message as what he stated there. Here it is -Im feeling some confusion from you which is totally fine, but Im going to take some space because I don’t want to get closer to someone who’s not sure what they want. – I used this line yesterday because a guy was I seeing during the holiday whose having mixed signal and Im sick over analyzing it. This allowed me closure and move on. But this morning he sent me this a reply – Hey good morning. How was your weekend Marian? There’s no confusion dear, I think that the connection we have is really great. However, with you going to Saudi Arabia and myself unsure of where I’m going to relocate to, I just think that there are too many unpredictable variables at the moment to commit to anything too serious. Don’t you think? Hope you have a good day-

    What should I tell him? Im really confuse? I want to end because I would like to move on its just really hurt and drives me crazy.please help me — ?feeling emotional.

  57. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hey Morgan, You are right – the solution is to MOVE ON. Good for you for knowing the truth underneath it all. He TOLD you he doesn’t want to see you any more, but was kind for the rest of the conversation. There are NO mixed signals. The signal you missed is that he was NOT responsive for days as you tried to get him to connect. That IS a signal. When a man resists contact, the BEST thing you can do is STOP. It’s unfortunate but his interest has waned – this went back to his cancelled visit if you ask me. He’s a decent guy so didn’t want to hurt your feelings but this is when you BELIEVE what a man says. Sorry to say he’s done.

  58. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Marian – there’s no confusion here if he wrote that to you “Too many unpredictable variables”. He’s moving so can’t get involved. There’s nothing to say except good luck with your move. I don’t know what Matthew says but the man you were dating told you everythign you need to know.

  59. Anonymous

    Hi!! I need some help!
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. We have one of those relationships where he is my best friend and we are pretty close. He was on an exchange in my country for a year and had to go back to his country (Germany). It has been 6 months since he moved back and I just recently went and visited him for the first time and I got to meet his parents and the visit was great. But when I left he was still really affectionate for the first few days and now he has been acting weird, keeping himself super busy and getting upset pretty easily with me. Occasionally through this all he has made some comments hinting that he misses me but when i tried to ask him if everything was ok he would avoid the question completely….we have plans to meet up for another visit in a few months but I am just really confused to why he is treating me this way.

  60. Ciara

    Hi Ronnie,
    My fiance and I had been together for almost 5 years long distance. We filed a fiance visa for me to move to the US just waiting for the results. We’ve been talking over the phone and texting almost 24/7 for the past years. We visited each other back and forth. Communication was great. Until my fiance asked for space to do things for himself – busy with work while also trying to find new work. He wants to do this while we wait for the visa and asked for patience. He also told me to do things while I’m still here in my country -that this will be good for our relationship and said he loves me. Its been almost a month. I don’t know if I’m paranoid or worried because he hasn’t been talking to me as much as before. But he did tell me recently that he appreciates the space a lot. Am I overthinking? Did I suffocate him? I’m confused to why he needed space. Is this a good thing? And also how much space should I give him?

  61. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ciara, I don’t think you are being paranoid. I don’t know what he means by space – if you are still communicating, just less. It is confusing! Maybe you were crowding him. But what does that mean you should also do stuff in your own country? That’s suspicious if you ask me. Here’s what I recommend. Become more scarce. Really give him space and stop texting, etc. Wait as long as you can to see what happens. Does he worry and start contacting you more often? That could be a good sign. If he doesn’t contact you more, then you might want to rethink moving. At this point, feel free to ask him what is really going on. This is the man you are gong to marry (not some guy you dated for a few weeks). You cannot be afraid to ask the hard questions or how will you have strong marriage? I hope this is just some temporary thing but you might as well find out. Best wishes.

  62. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Anonymous, When a man pulls away, it is troubling. Then you asked and he ignored the question – not a good sign. My suggestion is to try pulling away yourself. Stop texting etc. and get yourself nice and busy too. Live your own life and if he wants you, he’ll reach out. But if he becomes more scarce, then you know he’s lost interest. And it won’t be because you didn’t keep after him! That’s just being a nudge. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult in the same country, never mind in another. The romantic in you hopes thinks this can work, but I’m sorry to say, statistically things most often fizzle out.

  63. Ghie

    Hi ronnie
    I have long distance boyfriend…in 2months and he decided to come here in my country.this coming february.he ask that he want to meet my mother on skype becos he want to know her views to us..and he told to my mother what his plans for us…my mother ask him to give about his personal information like phone,address,real name,,but he wont to give he said that my mother don’t have trust in him..using my friend profile i found out that he still searching on dating site.but i did not tell him ..my problem is what am going to do…. Will i meet him up this coming february..? Why he still searching online while he said that he is serious about me..and why he dont like to give his personal info..and saying that my mother don’t have trust in him..please answer i’m not so good in english hopefully you understand what i’m trying to say

  64. kevin

    i also have a sort of similar issue. I met this guy in december last year and we really liked each other. He lives in southafrica and he had just come for holidays. we had sex a day before he had to travell back for work. we have been communicating but i mostly do the texting and the calling coz he told me frankly that he is always busy and he forgets to text me but whenever i send him a texts he replies not right away but he does reply and tells me he loves me soo much. I have started to feel like am more interesteed in him than he is. He is a guy i don’t know much about. what should i do coz i really love him. Is it too soon for me to worry?

  65. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kevin, Let’s be real here – I hope taht’s OK. He’s in another country, you don’t know him well, he doesn’t contact you and is slow to respond. Sadly, this is going no where. I know this might be hard to hear but you are wasting your time. You had a fun fling but it’s not going to grow because he’s not really interested. And even if he were – you are in a different country. How could this possibly work? It’s nothing more than a romantic notion. Move on and date local if you want to find true love.

  66. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ghie – Sounds like he is a scammer! Why did he want to talk with your mom but then wouldn’t give his real name and where he lives? Something is not right here and I would stop speaking to him, block him and cancel the visit. You don’t need trouble and this guy is dishonest. Please look locally for love.

  67. Jeanie

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve been dating my LD guy for almost 2 years. We met on a cruise, hit it off and exchanged numbers. We chatted for months until I was traveling to his area for work. He asked me if I would come visit him and the rest is history. We’ve been flying back and forth. In the past 4-5 months we’ve only seen each other twice – we’ve been busy. He told me he loves me but isn’t sure he is in love. Says he feels disconnected from me and it would be easier to find love in our own areas. I replied, “of course you do, we have barely seen each other.” We talked last year about me moving there and I’ve been working on it. He had a custody battle and I’ve been waiting for that to end and push him. It seemed reasonable he’d work on his side, I’d work on mine and we’d come together. I told him breaking up is an easy option but, finding someone you love and get along with is the hard part. I don’t know if he is overwhelmed by the distance or if this is fixable. He was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know what to do.

  68. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jeanie, This is why I advise not doing the long distance thing. Sadly, he’s right – it is easier to look for love locally. I’m not sure if it’s fixable because besides the distance, you havne’t mentioned any problems. And you can’t fix the distance without moving which I DO NOT recommend with his invitation. So you may have to let go and move on. I know you thought he was “the one” but maybe you can look at it as how much you learned about being in relationship and remember the good times. I’m sure in time you’ll find a local guy and it will be a heck of a lot easier than flying around the world.

  69. Aly

    Hi
    i met a guy he is nice and everything, i like him. i know him before i moved to Australia he’s in Africa. we talked about a lot of stuff marrige and everything but i have a plan to travel home the end off the year he’s not happy with that and he said it’s to hard to wait, and stopped talking.
    I was wondering if he did likes me in the first place. If so shouldn’t he wait till i get there? I don’t know what to do.
    sorry for my english

  70. Candi

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’m in a long distance relationship of 4 months, he’s in France and I the UK. We met a few months through my brother who lives there and hit it off together the next time I visited them in France. Things were going really well and we’ve met up a few times in the UK and France since. We talked about me moving over and we both spent nights looking up opportunities. I recently got the opportunity to go over for a job, and ever since I told him about it, he doesn’t want to talk about the future or be affectionate. I’ll mention coming out to France and he’ll brush it off and talk about something else. If I start being flirtatious and he doesn’t want to take it further ie sexting. I’m beginning to get paranoid about it. I thought he was losing interest, but every time I pull away he calls me and initiates conversation. We talk everyday and make time for each other, but he avoids these topics. Should I be blunt with him and ask him how he feels about me coming out?

    Thanks Candi x

  71. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Candi,
    Here’s the problem, he clearly enjoys talking, but romance may not be his first interest now. Once it became “REAL” with you and a job opportunity, he shut down. That is how he feels so there is nothing you can do or say. This is also manipulative because he sets the tone to meet his needs – daily chats are fine, but no talk of the future or flirting. He’s not your boyfriend and he wants to keep things low and virtual. I know that stinks. He’ll probably deny that if you bring it up too. So your best bet is to make yourself scarce and stop talking completely. If he pursues you, tell him what you want from him. Say, “I want a love relationship and was willing to move to you. But you shut that down, so I’m taking my clues from you. If you want a real relationship, let me know. But there’s no need for daily conversation if this is not progressing to living together.” Don’t be understanding or patient – cut your losses so you can find a man who does ant that.

  72. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Aly, Long distance is VERY HARD. It’s not for everyone and most often doesn’t work out. So, he might have liked you but the distance makes things too difficult. That’s the problem with long distance relationships and why I advise against them. I’m sure there are plenty of nice guys in Australia!!

  73. Ella

    Hi Ronnie,

    I have been talking with a man since last December who lives on the West Coast. We met on a Christian dating site. I have been careful to guard my feelings and get to know him since I know long distance isn’t equivalent to a real relationship and we’ve never met. We’ve had many deep discussions covering our beliefs, dreams, future, family, etc. Last month we had conversations about communication. He is introverted and his texting out weighed phone calls and FaceTime. I expressed my desire to connect more and get to know one another. He agreed and his been reaching out in the evenings [text or call]. I almost never initiate – I leave that to him. It’s clear he’s not as interested as me. I find his behavior strange because after a 3 + hr conversation he’ll back off. I am flying for business trip near him in a month, but I am saddened by his lack of planning. He is flirtatious, makes it very obvious that he likes me, but is not pursuing me in a way that relieves my anxiety He has terrible ups and downs of mood. I keep convincing myself that things have potential to change if we meet in person. What are your thoughts? I’d rather not waste my time if his initial behavior is indicative of how he will respond to me in the future.

  74. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Ella, Of course his current behavior is indicative of who he is! He can’t maintain an intimate connection after a 3 hour conversation – that tells yo everything you need to know. Unfortunately, people do not change after you meet. So, there’s a cultural barrier, he gets distant, he has wild mood swings, he doesn’t communicate enough and you’ve never met him. All this makes me curious – why do you think he has potential? I don’t see this man as capable of the relationship you want. sadly, yes, you are wasting your time. If you want lasting love, make life easy and look locally. Long distance is far too hard to keep going, especially when you have never met. This is a great way to get stuck in fantasy and the virtual world, not for someone truly marriage-minded.

  75. Anonymous

    Hi Ronnie

    There’s this guy I’ve been speaking to the past two months, he lives in the states and I’m in Africa. We got to know each other very well and clicked. He promised to make me happy and we’ve planned all the places we will go after we marry. He’s not in a rush to do so. He said he will visit me maybe in April. But then he got really busy. He used to call me every night but now he’s got no time bcz he’s a truck driver and tells me he rarely has network coverage. N always his last seen is when he calls. He said he loves me wants to be with me but doens’t have time. I don’t know how to believe. Is it me that’s being anxious and that I’ve become used to his calls and all or something is wrong? I don’t know. He tells me to call him when I want and he does receive my calls however busy he is.

  76. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Anonymous, He’s too busy to call you and has bad phone reception, but gets all your calls? Honey that tells you he’s a liar right there. He’s not going to visit – he’s just leading you on. It’s easy to fall for a long distance guy, especially when they call you all the time. It feels real. But its not real. Look locally for love and forget this man – he’s just wasting your time.

  77. Confusedsheep

    Hi Ronnie, stumbled upon your blog and you’re such an amazing dating coach! Thank you for helping us gain insight when we can’t:(

    I believe you have already answered my question in another response. My LDR bf is blowing hot and cold, sometimes we talk a lot over text; some times it’s a drought. He doesn’t call and I already told him I want to stay in touch more. We do converse by text and snapchat daily. We had a 3 day break a month ago -he wanted to end things because he couldn’t deal with the constant texting/calling. We have talked since call and he agreed to continue. I don’t know how to deal with this anxiety or missing him when hes not communicating as much as I want to? I kinda pressured him into a LDR as we were dating for 3 months before he had to leave my country, so I expressed my feelings and asked if he wanted to try a LDR as I feel that he felt strongly about me too.

  78. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused, Here’s the problem – you pressured him into the LDR. That’s not the best way to go because he clearly has resistance. Instead of worrying about how to get him to stay in touch, why don’t you ask yourself why you need a man who doesn’t want that? How is he adding to your life beyond anxiety? When will you ever see him again?

    If you are honest with yourself, you know it’s time to let go. There’s nothing you can do to make a man WANT YOU the way you want him. Walking away with dignity is far better. Then you’ll be free to meet a better man who wants to be with you, communicate and spend time with you. As I say to all women suffering through an LDR – LOOK FOR LOVE LOCALLY! Long distance relationships rarely work out – like 99.9999% almost never. Move on and look for a man who will treat you well and wants what you want.

  79. gabby

    Hi Ronnie, My ldr bf of 1 year plus fought badly after we made it a point to go for a vacation in Europe for 3 weeks. I felt he was distant when we were apart for 4 months and he claimed he was busy working. He texted me everyday but wouldn’t talk much. I got super upset because he bought me lingerie as a gift but forgot to bring it with him he didn’t hold my hand as we toured. During my first half of the trip, I cried thinking he didn’t care and it felt like a break up trip. Maybe I’m too sensitive and upset him. We talked about it and got on good term the second half of the trip. Now, we’re back to our homes and started arguing again, talking about future. I asked if he wanted to break up. He said he couldn’t stand it anymore, ldr was hard and unsustainable for him and he cant commit and he didn’t want a serious relationship in the 1st place. He likes me so much he tried to give it a chance. I texted telling him how much he hurt me. A day later, he apologized saying he didn’t mean to hurt me and asked if I’d look for a sublet within his budget this summer. I couldn’t reply i was so broken and haven’t spoken to him for 12 days. He texted 3 times and I didn’t reply yet but hoping for him to text me 1 more time to reply. Do you think he will still come back to me and try to make our rls work? How do we get back together? Thanks

  80. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Gabby, This man was honest with you saying he can’t take it and doesn’t want it. And now he apologized and you are too hurt to respond? Why do you want to get back together? He doesn’t want what you want which let’s you know he is NOT the right man for you. The right man wants a relationship. So even if you get him back somehow, will he stay? Will he suddenly be a different man who does want a relationship with you? I don’t think so and ultimately he’ll leave you again. That’s what my experience has shown me over and over. That’s the only advice I can offer. Long distance is just too hard. Look locally for love. There is always another man to meet and date.

  81. Confused

    Hi Ronnie, I have met this guy online back in 2016 when I was travelling to the UK. We texted and chatted on and off for 2 years and finally met when he is back in our own home country. It took us a long time to arrange for a meet up as he is still studying in the UK and now he is working over there as a doctor. I feel attracted to him as we chatted. I am planning to visit him end of the year and he is welcoming me to go over him. How do I say to him that I want us to be in relationship and not scaring him away?

  82. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Confused, It’s not how you say it. It’s more about if he want a relationship. If he doesn’t it won’t matter how or what you say. But that shouldn’t really matter to you because if he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you (or maybe with any woman because he’s too busy becoming a doctor), you might as well know that right now. The start of being a doctor is all consuming so he may not be available for the relationship you want. In addition, don’t you think that since you’ve had one visit in two years, you are getting a bit ahead of yourself? That’s a lot of pressure for “one date”. He might be involved in this long distance thing with you BECAUSE he doesn’t have time for more. So I’m not sure what you can expect. Aren’t there any local men you can date while he’s becoming a doctor so you don’t put too much pressure on him now?

  83. Mal

    Hello,
    I have been talking to this guy for a year now, the first time we met we just kissed and hung out. Then he went cold on me, explaining the distance was too much – 5.5 hours. At six months we met up again had sex. Then he ghosted again. I recently moved which now he is only 3.5 hours away, he stated he can see me more. He always asks me to meet up when I have things planned and finally told him he need to let me know ahead of time – that I was not his booty call being invited last minute. He said I wasn’t his booty call, but a friend. I said “you sleep with your friends, sex texting?” I ignored him for a week but he kept texting, then apologized if he upset me and he said it’s a two way street. Now every time I bring up meeting, he complains about the distance. Since he apologized, we talk daily, but he always says we are too far apart. Why is he still talking to me for a year now and what should I do? Please help me!!!

  84. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Mal, I can see why you are frustrated so I recommend reading this post on why he keeps texting me will help. My question to you is why are you still talking to this man who won’t take time to see you? Texting means nothing – it’s a lazy way to stay in touch. Why do you accept this and continue to hope things will change? Let him go. Look locally for love and don’t text with any man longer than 7 days without a date. That’s how you know if a man is serious about meeting you and getting to know you with more weekly dates. Sorry to say long distance is difficult for everyone and it’s super rare that it every turns into something more.

  85. Norielle

    hello
    I’ved met a man in a dating app. And he is already my boyfriend. We also met each other 4 times. We also have sex 2 times. Before when we start our conversation. He is always chatting me and video call. But not all the time we’re doing it. Because he is a busy person. He has a business. And I understand that. Sometimes he can’t reply on my chats. And now it takes too long to reply on my chats. And he told me that he is busy that’s why it takes too long gor him to reply on my chats. I don’t know if he really loves me or not. Or im just a type of person who over thinks. Im not saying that I don’t trust him. I trust him a lot. Before I entered in this relationship I already told him about it.

  86. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Norielle, It’s really hard to say – there are so many details left out. But it is possible his agenda is purely for sex, so he no longer feels he needs to spend time chatting when you’ll have sex with him. Sound possible? You could tell him you’d like to hear from him and if he says he doens’t have time again, you might want to rethink this man as your boyfriend. Being your boyfriend is not just about sex is it? It’s about a relationship and communication is part of that. So he might not be your guy for lasting love. Please be prepared for this outcome.

  87. Lexie

    My boyfriend and I reconnected after nearly 30 years in 2016. We had had four months of intensity before a planned move away. We’ve both been married and divorced. He is in CA, I am in the midwest. It worked SO well for about 18 months, seeing each other about once a month. He was laser focused on me (his words yesterday) with daily phone calls, sometimes for hours. Valentine’s day he said, “You are loved beyond measure. It is the kind of love that has allowed me to learn about myself and feel safe sharing who I am.” A week later the calls slowed; when he did call he was more guarded. I did not push, but felt anxiety. Then he said, “I pulled back into my shell and had let myself get very vulnerable for awhile.” We finally discussed the distancing last night. It feels to me like I am enough for him, just not often enough. He said he doesn’t want to date around. He’s coming to town next week; a local university may hire him, but it is not a sure thing. I didn’t know he was dong this until this week. So confused! If he gets the job is that the end of the issues? If he doesn’t, do I have to move to him? Or is he taking his dice and going home? Ugh, we are literally perfect together but it feels like we are now in jeopardy.

  88. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lexie, You are not dating this guy – you are in a relationship. So the rules are different and you need to have a conversation about what YOU want. Tell him you want to take this relationship to the next level. Tell him if he gets the job, you want to continue the relationship. And if he doesn’t get it, should you move to him? Be quiet and see what he says. More importantly, watch how he behaves. Does he squirm, look away, become distant? This is more important than his words. You cannot be afraid of ruining what you have because he is already pulling away. You might as well know right? Ask and find out. Then you can move on or get closer and committed. You will know his real answer if you are honest with yourself. Confusion will come from thinking only about his words when his actions are what count most. Good luck 🙂

  89. Lexie

    Thank you! I have written some notes for that conversation we’ll have next Tuesday. Would appreciate any edits you think would be better suited. This weekend’s horoscope for me was dead on: “There’s no such thing as being “a little bit” committed in a relationship…”

  90. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lexie, I can’t have conversations on the blog – it would be a full time job! Let me just say, “Less is more.” Don’t convince him of how much you need or like him. Just tell him what you want. “I want to take our relationship to the next level either here if you get the job or I could move to you.” Then stop and see what he says.

  91. Brokenheart

    Ronnie,

    I met a guy last year online, but we never met. We then kept in touch sporadically, and then I knew at end Jan I would be in his town in July (us/U.K.) When I told him that, things escalated and he came to visit. We had spoken every day prior to his visit which was 8 weeks. He is newly divorced after his wife cheated, his job is not 100% settled and he is moving.

    His visit was wonderful (we did get intimate) but he said “my life is really complicated and I am not adding another one” when he here for only 2 of the 4 days. Why was he so nice? Did he ever like me? …

  92. Asia

    Hi Ronnie,

    I’ve been talking with this guy online for 4 months. He lives in another country and we’ve never met in person. We met in an online dating site and started fooling around. We never discuss where we stand. When I tried bringing it up, he said we’ll discuss it when we meet. He doesn’t want an open relationship and asked me not to date anyone else. But that’s it, no other rules. If he doesn’t wish me good night, I don’t get a good sleep. My mood depends on him. Lately, he’s been acting distant. I confronted him about not spending quality time and that being busy is not an excuse, it’s a matter of priorities. He said work is his priority. He cares for me but doesn’t have the time to express it. How is that possible? Ronnie, how exactly do I pull back? I want him to realize my worth. Thank you so much in advance.

  93. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Asia, First I completely agree with you – not having time is not an excuse – a relationship is a matter of priorities. Since work is his biggest priority, you are NOT his main interest. That tells you right away he’s the WRONG MAN. You might not want to hear this but he is not a real boyfriend – only virtual and fantasy. He asked you not to date anyone else? How ridiculous – you have no way to know that he’s loyal. If he’s been distant, then he’s lost interest. You must have read the blog post where this comment is that these LDRs do not work out and are not real. As to your last question, sadly, there’s nothing you can do to MAKE him interested. He is or he isn’t and unfortunately this guy isn’t. Why not look for a boyfriend locally? Don’t waste your time and love on men outside the country or even inside but too far away to see regularly.

  94. Bibi

    Dear Ronnie, I met someone in the US for 4 days during the holidays. He was passionate and interested. He was too aggressive at first, and asked me things like if my parents would like him or if I would really miss him after I returned to my country. I was surprised someone would like me so much with only knowing so little about me. We became physical, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes after returning to Asia. For a month he gave me one or two text messages almost everyday for a month, called at least 3~4 times a week.

    It’s been a month and a half, but now he doesn’t text at all, and calls once a week. He hints about marriage, says he wants me to move to the US someday, but doesn’t have a specific plan on meeting me in the near future. He seems busy, so I stopped texting or calling. He is focused on his career, but if am I not worth calling more than once a week, or planning on an actual meet-up, can I call this a relationship? Should I ask him this question, or should I stop taking his weekly calls so we can both move on?

    Thanks, Bibi.

  95. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Bibi, Men are aggressive and come on strong when they want to sleep with you fast. And asking you to be his girlfriend – that’s just words. Honestly it doesn’t mean anything. Just like talking about you moving tot he US someday. He has no plan to see you for the near future – that’s all you need to know! Actions are the only thing that counts. He’s not serious but likes the fantasy of you as his “girlfriend” in Asia. The hard truth is this wont’ last and yes, stop taking his calls would be the smartest thing. Look locally for love if you want a real relationship.

  96. Hopeful

    Hi Ronnie,

    I met a guy via dating app earlier this year. I live in Tennessee and he’s from California. He was visiting on business trip. We hit it off and spent the weekend together. We were intimate and conversation felt like we had known each other. We kept in touch, at first daily texting and then once a week/two and also kept in touch via social media. He told me work was busy so I understood about the texting. I wasn’t pushy/needy by texting all the time and he would message me first sometimes. When we chatted, I mentioned I had planned to visit California this year. He was ecstatic. We met up and it was perfect and I stayed two nights with him. We caught up and I also met his friends. There were so many great moments. I truly believe our feelings are mutual. Before I left, he said his job would be sending him back to Tenn. so he could visit and would let me know. I’m unsure how to work the communication due to how it was before. I know he’s busy but I want to talk to him more. My question is, do I hold on to him and be patient with communication to see if things keep moving forward? Or are there different steps I should take? Thank you!

  97. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Hopeful, This is another reason why long distance relationships are so hard. Yes, he may like you, but it seems he doesn’t want to put any effort into building a relationship. So, if can tolerate not communicating much between visits, then this could work. But, if you want an ongoing relationship, he might not be the one. Being busy is a convenient excuse many men use to lower your expectations about communicating or visiting. Read this post. People make time for what is important to them. Now, keep in mind, daily texting might not be his thing, but perhaps weekly phone calls? You can talk about this and see what he is willing to do. But if you don’t like his answer, then you need to be willing to move on, recognizing he’s probably not the right man for you. The right man wants to stay connected, hear how you are and be supportive.

  98. completely confused

    Met this guy online six months ago. Since we’re in different states, I never thought it would go anywhere, but it did. He constantly texted and video chatted for the first four months. I flew out to meet him. He said he was into me. He had to work, but the time we spent together was fabulous. He kept apologizing and saying he hoped I don’t hate him for not spending more time with him. I saw this as a red flag and told him what I was looking for and that if he’s not on board, that was okay, but to let me know and we can move on. He refused to move on. I flew to his area for a short trip with a friend, but didn’t see him. I had texted I was coming, but he didn’t respond. When I got back, I told him I was there and he was upset and said he didn’t remember seeing that text. He’s been distant ever since. No lovey dovey texts, kissy faces, etc. I pulled back, to give him space and see if he comes back. He did but not as much. The confusing thing -he’s completely opened up to me recently regarding private stuff. BUT…he is back on the dating site we met on (but to be fair, so am I). How do I confront this? Do I have yet another conversation about me thinking he’s not interested and I’ve noticed a change in the tone?

  99. Kelly

    Hi Ronnie,
    I’ve been talking to this guy for about 2 years already but we have not made it official, btw we live in different states. We were working towards a “real” relationship so for when he comes back to California (where I’m from). He would always say he didn’t want to make it official because it could ruin things before we got the chance to actually be together.
    He is now back in California, and he has not yet asked me to be his Gf. Back then we would text everyday for hours but now that he is back we hardly text and we haven’t seen each other as often as I thought we would be. I don’t know what to think, is it because he is barley settling back in? Is he not ready ? I really like him but I don’t want to continue waiting for someone who isn’t ready.

    Thank you.

  100. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Kelly, When a man doesn’t want to make it “official” – there’s always a REASON. Seems to me like he could handle the “relationship” when it was virtual and suited his needs. Being back in California probably makes it too real. I’m sure he enjoyed your friendship, support and romance, but now he’s got other things taking up his time. This is exactly why I don’t think LDRs work – because they are missing a key component – in real life face time. If you don’t want to continue waiting for him – GOOD! He’s wasting your time. So, let go, don’t make a big deal, just move on and meet LOCAL guys to date. There’s a better man out there who wants what you want – don’t settle!

  101. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Completely, I’m confused too because I’m not sure what you expect from this guy. Here are a few things to think about. 1) You’re not in a relationship – you’ve only seen him once. 2) You’re not exclusive – you’re both on the dating site. 3) You’ve already talked to him about this and didn’t get anywhere. What’s to confront? You can’t make a man do anything he doens’t want to do. If you want a genuine relationship, date local. Keeping up an exclusive LDR if you started out together and then moved is one thing. But you’ve never been together and have no history. If you don’t like how he’s behaving, move on. He’s not invested in you as shown by his actions. Men often “open up” to keep a woman interested or they need someone to talk to. It doesn’t mean he’s truly interested. If he was, he’d FLY OUT TO SEE YOU which he has not done. Time to let go and move on.

  102. Sandra

    Dear Ronnie,
    Met a college friend after 20 years. I got divorced while he is still single. After several months of going out we started a relationship and then he had to leave the country to work on his visa. We plan to move to there. He only has 3 months to work things out. We had difficulty communicating because we are busy, especially him with shows and the time difference.

    We chat every day, but now that he’s in the last one month – we communicate less. It’s inadequate and work shouldn’t be an excuse. I told him I will give him the time you need and will not bother you or call you until you return. Did i do the right thing of giving him space? Thank you, Ronnie. Would appreciate your reply to this.

  103. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sandra, Yes you did the right thing by giving him space. Now you will know how much he wants to be in a relationship with you by when he decides to contact you. Work is NOT an excuse because people make time for what is important to them. He is showing you that you are not a top priority and that means he might not be the right man You deserve to be with a man who really wants to stay in touch and looks forward to seeing you again soon.

  104. Cindy

    Hi Ronnie!
    I’m in a LDR relationship for 7 months now. He needs to go out of the country for work. Everythings going well after a month of being away from each other but as months go by he started being so casual,not like his typical sweet approach towards me. I dont think that something is wrong,my intuition is saying that hes not cheating so I asked him why and he said its because of the different environment hes in,the food,the culture,the weather etc. Thats why i am trying to be more understang but we always end up arguing for he is not the type of guy who is willing to talk things out and I miss his sweet messages just like before. He would rather ignore issues/problems we have rather than fixing it. We recently had a fight and he ignores my messages. I havent had any reply from him for 2days already,he kept on ignoring me. I am kinda worried about the situation I just want him to make an initiative and send me a message for I am always the first one doing it.

  105. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cindy, I know you are hurting but it’s time to take a realistic look at this. What quality of relationship are you having with a man who won’t talk about things and avoids your messages? Or that you keep it going and do all the initiating? Not a healthy, lasting love with the right man for you. You can’t make a man feel something or want to stay in touch. If he stopped sending sweet messages, he’s probably no longer interested. Distance does that. The best thing you can do is STOP pushing and withdraw when a man pulls away. Maybe he’ll wonder what you are doing and reach out. Or he won’t contact you and then you know there’s nothing left. Either way you’ll have your dignity rather than begging him to do what you want which never works.

  106. cristiana zajac

    Hi Ronnie,

    I am in a 3 year LDR and met online, We lived 2 hours apart. Unfortunately he moved to DC in 2017. Now I’m in San Diego and he’s in DC. He doesn’t talk about future or plans. He sends fewer texts and I’m the one calling him. He used to call me sunshine, now doesn’t say anything sweet. It’s been hard for me -I really love him and have been jealous. I’m insecure about our relationship and nag him lately. I saw him last weekend and he was protective of his phone making me wonder if he has another woman. I asked and he said no. I hope he respects the fact that we’ve been together 3 years, and if he has feelings for another person, he’ll end it with me. My question is… Does a man end it or do they drag a woman in a hopeless relationship because he wants me as an option? I don’t know what to do. He will be in DC 2 more years. He is constantly on WhatsApp, and I feel guilty tracking him, and of course I’m paranoid, jealous, insecure, low self esteem.

  107. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cristiana, I understand why you are concerned since it seems he’s pulling away and losing interest. To answer your question, yes sometimes men do drags things out to keep a woman as an option or because they feel bad. Many men treat a woman badly so she’ll do the breakup- creates less guilt for the man. So if you are suspicious or don’t like how things are going, it’s up to you to stay or break up. One thing I will say is that your insecurities could push a man away. It’s a turn off to be nagged and deal with a jealous paranoid woman. I encourage you to work on your self-esteem to build yourself up. And think about dating a local man from California instead of this long distance thing. If your guy isn’t making any plans for the future after 3 years, he’s not likely to ever do so. It might be time to just ask him what the future holds if you are brave enough to hear the answer.

  108. Nana

    Hi. I’m in a 1.5 years LDR. We met 4 times last year and 1 time this year ( in Feb) and the next meet will be in this Oct. This year we’ve argued many times and he even ignored me sometimes, but then we get back together. The last 2 months, he started talking less to me, gets angry easily and ignores me. I don’t know why he changed that much since he got a stressful new job. He said he took the new job to move out to a bigger flat for our future. But he stopped talking about future plans, making me so confused and overthinking. I don’t know why he is cold and distant now. Normally we text good day and night text but that’s not happening. I told him I made him a cake but he didn’t reply – it’s been 5 days. He still says he loves me and he has our pics on his social pages. Could you please give me some advice? Thank you!

  109. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nana, I know this is hard but it seems he is losing interest. These long distance relationships are so very difficult to maintain. Pushing him to connect will not work. The only thing you can do is pull back yourself and see if he comes back. He might not but at least you’ll have your dignity. Then when you are ready – please look for a local boyfriend so you can have a closer relationship with more consistency.

  110. Caroline

    Dear Ronnie,

    I dated a guy for 4 months, then jumped in LDR for 1 month. We were living in the same sharehouse until I got back to my country. We are from different countries. He was lovely until a few weeks ago. I love him so want to make it work. Videos about how to keep LDR work say constant, routine communication and skype are important. But he hates skype, while I don’t care to talk hours via skype. He starts a new job next week. Maybe because of the fatigue and stress and tired, he says he needs space. If I don’t text him, he doesn’t text me. He says LDR never works for him. but I told him its too quick to give up. I’m visiting him on Oct, but don’t know if this relationship can last until then or not. Please help me… I’m soo frustrated and confused and don’t know want to do…

  111. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Caroline, I know this is hard but when a man says LDR doesn’t work for him, he want to skype and doesn’t text if you don’t – those are all signs he doesn’t love you. I don’t recommend visiting a man behaving this way – it’s a bad idea. It’s time to face the fact that you had a fun three month relationship and now it’s sadly over. There will be another man in your future. Just let go and save your dignity.

  112. cristiana

    Hi Ronnie,

    I have been dating this man for 3 years (LDR), two years into our relationship we were in 2-hours driving distance, but since last year he moved far away – 5 hours flight. I always went to him, he came to see me very little, but I didn’t care. He has really changed and is becoming emotionally distant and it’s like I don’t exist in his life. I am waiting for a closure and am expecting he has the decency of finish our relationship, so I can move on. But he is ghosting me, and I am giving him space. He never committed to me.
    I felt frustrated in three years he never said he loves me. I am Latina, passionate and I tried to show love, and when I didn’t get it back I got frustrated and let him know my feelings. He said I nagged. I feel bad because I wasted three years with him. Why he doesn’t end it? We are adults. Please give me your advice, Thank you

  113. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cristiana, I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I’m going to be honest with you – why did you stay with a man who showed you no love and never said the words? Why do you expect anything from a man like this? He’s already proven himself to be uncaring. How a man treats you is really up to you. When a man doesn’t treat you the way you want, don’t stay longer hoping he’ll change. People rarely change. You have to accept a man the way he is and if that doesn’t work for you, look for someone new. This time with him will not be wasted if you learn love lesson this now. Promise yourself you will never put up with a man who won’t visit you and let’s you do all the work. He was happy to take your love. Don’t give your love away to a man who shows you he is not worthy. Save it for the right man who knows how to treat a passionate woman like yourself. Build your self-esteem so you never give more than you get again. hen you do that, you don’t value yourself and neither will the man.

  114. Nounie

    Hi Ronnie, I met a guy through a friend, but we live in different countries with a 6 hour time difference. We texted for 3 months till we met in reality. The first date was great, but then all the other encounters were a bit weird – not comfortable for me. We both are intrigued by each other. He asked me before leaving how things will go in the next few months? I was just shy and laughed. He laughed as well, and we left it vague. When he left, I was expected we would text and talk more on the phone. But this didn’t happen. He texts me randomly every few days and we don’t talk on the phone a lot. I am really really sad and don’t know what to do. I know he will continue texting and talking randomly.. but I want to know him better. What is the difficulty in what I am asking. Do you think I should talk about it or not?

  115. Usually strong

    Hi Ronnie, I recently had a fling with a guy overseas. There was intense physical chemistry (I thought emotional too, but maybe one sided) I left and we texted – not as good as the conversations we had in person. He made more effort to start conversations – 65% him 35% me. After a few weeks I realized he was always on my mind, and his flirtatious comments that we would “one day” meet again were messing with my head. I told him about the effect that these empty words were having on me and he openly admitted he was emotionally detached from me. Last time he messaged me I asked him for space, and he said he would not call or text. This was less than a week ago. It was the right thing to do and my friends supported me, but I feel devastated. I think I just need you to tell me what I already know to be the truth. I have started to accept and grieve. I ‘m scared he’ll message me again, yet I want him to. But I want to move on and find a guy who wants a proper relationship, who I could have this same physical and emotional chemistry with. Is it just a test of time? How do I stop fantasizing about him? I am so independent, how can I be acting this silly? I feel so dumb.

  116. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Usually, A high-chemistry fling is so amazing to live through. But this kind of thing never lasts. So you did the wrong thing by asking him to stop texting. Now take the most important step and make it permanent by deleting him from your phone. You can’t move on if you’re still connected to him. Rip off the band aid and go for it or you will cling to hope that will never be fulfilled. Next, understand that true love and a lasting relationship will NEVER feel like a fling. That intensity cannot sustain itself.

    Wild chemistry is a sign of sexual compatibility – part of the human drive to sustain the species. However, this is not indicative or lasting love or long-term compatibility. That comes from emotional intimacy, shared values and enjoyment of each other’s company beyond sex. However, you can find a great guy you’re attracted to who wants a relationship. This is 100% possible as long as you don’t try to pick him out based solely on chemistry – that will never last. I recommend you keep your fond memories of a fun fling and let it be nothing more than that. And then go look for a man for the real thing. Nothing can compete with a vacation fling, so keep your expectations in the zone of reality

  117. Dora

    Hi Ronnie,
    I met a guy who lives abroad 6 months a go though a common friend. We started talking and we clicked. He came to for a summer holiday to visit his family and we met. It was great, sometimes awkward but good overall. We agreed to continue to talk and see how things go. Since he left 3 weeks ago, he doesn’t text and call much – very random that I am questioning myself. Is this what we agreed on?! Before I met him in person, he was texting and calling in this same random way. What do you suggest I do? Ignore him and walk away (I’m sure he’ll keep being random) or confront him in a nice way (that we should be in touch more). Please help me because I am really really sad.

  118. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Dora, I”m sorry you’re sad. Seems to me what happened her is that you changed your expectations f him since meeting him in the flesh. Did he really agree to anything more? Doesn’t sound that way to me. So this relationship is mostly in your mind. He’s very casual and you were hoping it meant more. Now that you know he’s not serious, you can walk away. Just stop communicating. Distance is a huge problem. Confronting him will not produce the result you want – if he’s not communicating the way you want now, confrontation won’t things better – never does. Let it go – it was a fun fantasy but sounds like you are looking for the real thing now. He’s out there – date local.

  119. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Nounie, You meet and he asked about a future and you laughed. I’m a bit surprised. What was he supposed to think? That was your opportunity to tell him you wanted to get to know him better. Too late now. But here’s another thing which is bigger – you had awkward dates that didn’t feel comfortable. Why do you want more from him? Wouldn’t you rather meet a man you feel great around? Is it just that you wanted a man so much even an uncomfortable one will do? You deserve better than that. Long distance relationships are tough when things are good! Look locally for love and be true to yourself. If you’re not comfortable with a man, look for another. You can’t be in love and feel awkward or uncomfortable – that’s not love. I encourage you to see your value as a woman and know you deserve a man you feels GREAT around.

  120. Yvonne Owensby

    I Have been talking to a guy from a game on and off now for 8 months. We keep planning to meet but he has two jobs. I do odd jobs like photography and house cleaning which makes it difficult to travel. This guy makes my heart skip a beat. We text and chat through the game and talk on the phone occasionally. He’s in P.A and I’m in TN. I’m dying to meet him and think I’m falling for him and think he is falling for me too. How do you really know? He always tells me how he wishes he was here with me and how beautiful I am and all these wonderful things. I get such a great vibe. But here’s the thing for the last 4 months something always comes up when i ask when are you going to come see me? I need to meet him to see if this is real. Should I also stop texting him ? I want him to miss me as much as I miss him.

  121. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Yvonne, I’m gong to be straight with you and I hope you know that I care, but…this is NOT real. There’s nothing REAL about it – you often chat through a GAME. For 4 months he’s avoided setting up a meeting – that’s because he has no plans to ever meet you. When a man is serious about you – he FINDS THE TIME. If you let him, he will break your heart. Not because he’s a bad person – I’m sure talking to you is fun. But that doesn’t mean he wants more or to date you. Yes, stop texting him and give up this long distance fantasy. Please look for a man to date locally if you really want a serious relationship.

  122. Msn

    Two months ago I man started writing to me who lives 4 hours away. He is flirtatious and witty – a bit like a womanizer. He said if I wanted him I should hold on tight. He opened up and told me about difficulties. I mentioned perhaps this was not the time to start something new, he got defensive. He hinted at a future with me, living together and babies. The texting was intense, starting every morning – even though I tried to keep the reality in mind, I got emotionally attached and glued to my phone. I asked to meet three times and he dodged, but text even more when I withdraw and other times suggested I just show up where he lives. Finally I cut him off which is an uphill battle. The hardest part is the confusion of why someone would act this way. I am a rookie in the dating world and have a lot to learn.

  123. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi MSN, Congratulations on taking care of yourself and cutting this man off! Women have been in the same situation for much longer – even years. But you were smart enough to get out – excellent. I recommend texting no longer than 7 days without a date and avoiding all long-distance pen pals if you are serious about finding healthy, lasting love. As to why a man would act like this – he clearly has emotional and psychological issues. He wanted to control you and give you nothing in return all on his schedule. Ultimately, you can’t understand someone with these mental health issues because you don’t see the world the same way. Don’t try to understand – chalk it up to crazy and move on to find love locally. Set an intention you won’t fall for this again. And be clear – texting is a lazy way to woo. Phone calls and real dates are the only way – texting is supplementary only. Learn more about texting here

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