Understanding men is one of the hardest things about dating over 50 or really at any age. Women often want to know why he’s dating you and still looking online. Here’s how I answered this reader’s question about how men think.
“Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
I think you give great advice and I’m hoping you can help. I had been dating a guy I met online about a month and everything was great. I really like him – he is everything I’m looking for.
I did notice that he is on the dating site very frequently – multiple times a day. He would be online after our dates or even while I was on my way to our date.
When we were together, he was very sweet and totally into me. He listened, paid attention and was very affectionate to me. I couldn’t understand why he would act this way, but still be on the dating site all the time.
So,I just flat out asked him. He got really defensive, giving excuses and saying it was way too early for this conversation. He told me we should head our separate ways and I haven’t heard from him since. I apologized and told him I wasn’t trying to force him into a relationship, I just wanted to know what was going on.
I can’t stop thinking about him it’s only been three days since we’ve spoken. I feel like I ruined everything and I don’t know what to do? Please help. I could really use some of your great dating advice for women.
Thanks so much,
Bummed in Brooklyn”
While it seems like a reasonable question, to him it felt like you were talking about exclusivity. I often recommend waiting to talk about that when you are ready to sleep with him and depending on age, you may need to wait longer.
This is so tough because according to experts like Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker from Bravo TV, she would say never sleep with a guy until you get to exclusivity. But, not every woman wants to wait and follow that rule.
I get that you just wanted to understand why he was so sweet, yet constantly on the site. But, there are many unspoken rules about dating that for some reason people have forgotten about or are simply unaware of.
Here’s one of the biggest dating secrets to
help with understanding men.
Doesn’t the fact that you knew he was constantly
trolling for women tell you something about him?
When it comes to understanding men, you can’t just look at how he is while with you. You have to look at him as a total package. When his words and actions don’t match or even his behaviors don’t seem consistent, pay attention to that important information.
As a dating coach, I can sure see the writing on the wall – it’s clear as day. He’s not ready to for exclusivity. Or not ready to settle down with you or not interested in a girlfriend or touchy about it or might even get there in his own good time. Whatever the reason, it’s obvious he’s not ready.
When you are dating, your job as a women is to observe the guy’s behavior to learn about him. You don’t always need to ask a direct question to get your answers. Can you see what I mean?
Now you are wondering, “Did I ruin things with this man by asking?” Probably not. Since he was always online looking just before and right after your dates, that says an awful lot about his ability to focus and his appetite for more doesn’t it?
Most men want to keep their options open until they are ready. Just expect that all men are dating other women no matter how much fun they are having with you until they talk about exclusivity. Quite frankly, I recommend that you do the same, since you don’t know which man will want to get serious.
How to Discuss Dating Others
If you want to bring up dating others, you can do that before you have sleep with him. Don’t ask him about being exclusive. Instead, state how things are for you by saying something like, “I don’t sleep with a man until we are in an exclusive relationship.” Some men won’t like this and won’t go for it. That tells you something too right?
Another way to bring it up is to say, “So many guys are still contacting me online and I don’t know what to do about that.” Then keep quiet until he says something. It will be pretty obvious if he’s not into taking the next step because he’ll look away , stammer, or be evasive.
The advantage of both of these methods is that you let the guy come to his own decision without pressure or requiring a direct answer (which feels highly pressurized to men.)
What about Gender Equality?
Today, women think everything has changed and you can just be completely honest and direct with men. The good news is this is true once in a relationship.Although positioning what you have to say can still help you get along better.
But before that, it helps to rely on strategies like these so a man can feel he is in charge. This is about DNA and you cannot take the DNA out of dating. He still has those hunter genes from cave man times. Biology has not caught up to equality between the genders during dating and courtship.
I promise you’ll find another man who will see you as his best option in time and will want to be exclusive and treat you well. Be patient and be social!
Wishing you love,
If you are interested to discover how dating coaching can improve your love life and help you find love faster, please call me at 203-877-3777 (east coast time) for a free 15-minute consultation.