Yesterday, I answered a reader’s questions about understanding men and a guy she communicated with for a few months. Then they met for a whirlwind weekend and now, sadly, hasn’t heard from him again. There were five warning bells I saw in her story that never tripped her innate dating warning bells. Don’t let this happen to you – you can read about the 5 warnings here.
How to Qualify the Men You Meet
Part two of the answer for “Whirlwind Gal” is how to determine if a man is date-worthy. I want you to know what you should be looking for to figure out if a guy is seeking a long-term relationship or a fling.
This method is not fool proof but helps you weed out the vast majority of players.
1. No Virtual Relationships. Don’t engage in a long-distance, virtual relationship with a man you’ve never met. I mean constant texting or phone calls without face-to-face dates or just one date. This is a surefire recipe for heartbreak and devastating disappointment. If you meet online and the guy can’t set up date within 10-14 days, forget him and move on.
2. Geographically Desirable. All sorts of men will contact you online. They will be young and old, educated and unemployed, single and separated, local and long distance. From my perspective, dating local men is a lot easier. You don’t have to drive 300 miles or take a plane. You don’t have to worry about where to stay or driving home after a few drinks.
Sometimes men use long distance as a way to KEEP YOU at a DISTANCE. The solution is to date local men as much as possible so distance is not a problem or a great excuse.
3. When He Says NO Relationship BELIEVE HIM. Listen to what men say. If a man says anything that could push you away, pay attention and believe him! A lot of men tell you on the first date what they want or don’t want. Too bad most single gals think, “That doesn’t apply to me”. So they ignore the honesty of I’m not looking for a relationship, but haven’t it ruled it out. That is just a man’s way of softening the truth – he doesn’t want a relationship – get it?
Don’t believe sweet talk when you first hear it. Any flattery such as “Where have you been all my life?” is meant to draw you in. If he comes on really strong on the very first date that should make your alarm bells start clanging! Consistency over time, like several weeks, is the only way he can prove the genuineness of his sweet talk. This is the simplest way to know what to believe or ignore and this method will work every time.
Some men share deeply about their lives to make you think they are opening up and really trust you. Women internalize this trick as “He must really like me!” But that is not always true – he probably wants to get into your pants. Hold him off for several dates to discover if he’s interested in you or sleeping with you. This helps to weed out most of the players.
4. Qualify Men Before You Sleep with Them. A weekend of whirlwind romance is incredibly hot and tempting. There’s nothing wrong with this either! However, if you you’ll feel deeply hurt or heartbroken when he never calls again, get beyond the first few dates before you sleep with a man.
Hold off on spending the night together for at least 5-6 dates. By then, you’ll know a lot more about the guy. Some experts suggest you wait until you have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship which could take even longer. But this might be very worthwhile if you are the kind of woman who gets attached immediately after sex.
Here’s what you want to watch for during that courtship period:
- Consistent Communication – Talk by phone at least once or twice a week. Texting does not count!
- Weekly Dates – Don’t fall for the irregular date guy who is spontaneous. If he can’t fit you into his schedule when things are new and exciting, it sure won’t get better.
- Planning – Does he plan your dates or call you last minute for the same day or the next? A man who wants to win you over will want to know you are available and will plan to see you.
- His Actions Match His Words – Does he make plans, then break them? Or does he keep his word? You want a man you can count on and trust and that is a man who follows through.
- No Excuses – Some men will talk a good game, but then have a huge fight with his ex, the kids need him, he has to work late, or his headaches are back. All of these things may be true – but how often does he use excuses to get out of seeing you or making a call? This is a pattern to watch.
If a man doesn’t do one of the above actions, it doesn’t totally doom your opportunity. However, when these things add up, let those warning bells signal you that he’s not the right man for you!
The Benefit of the Doubt
Some women give the guy the “benefit of the doubt”. That is an admirable quality. However, if too many of these things happen, you are accepting poor treatment and what I call “Dating Crumbs”. These behaviors DO NOT improve with time.
During the first 3- 6 dates, you will see the BEST A MAN HAS TO OFFER. So, if problems and poor treatment start early, get out before you get attached. Love yourself enough to walk away and avoid heartache.
Many women have told me they endured Dating Crumbs because they thought a guy would treat them better once he fell in love. That is NOT how dating works. Men never treat you better later. The best you’ll ever see is at the beginning when he is trying to win you over. He may continue being wonderful, but a crummy boyfriend doesn’t suddenly turn around and become wonderful.
Your Next Step to Find Love
If you have made any of these mistakes, didn’t see the warnings, didn’t qualify the man you slept with too quickly, please don’t worry. Even if he disappears, you probably had a nice time and reconnected with feeling like a desirable woman. That’s a good thing!
Now, let that fuel your dating journey. Move on to seek a local guy you can see more often and is more likely to want a long-term relationship. Observe what he does to win you over and hold off sleeping with him.
Call me for your 15-minute consultation at 203-877-3777 so you can avoid common and painful dating mistakes. The right man for you is out there and you WILL FIND HIM if you give yourself a chance and follow these tips about understanding men.