Trouble understanding men? Find out why this woman is confused after a business coffee meeting and the mistakes she made
Sometimes Single Women Get Frustrated Trying to Understand Men – That’s Where I Can Help
“Hi Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan,
I’m confused and hope you can help.
I was a asked by a Joe to join him for a business meeting and he asked me for my number. I got couple of texts and calls from him. After I told him I wasn’t interested in the multilevel business, he became distant I also asked him if he liked me and wanted to keep friendship going. He said yes. I then asked him how he was doing and if he wanted to grab a coffee. He sent me this text, “I think your nice girl and deserve a guy that will be able to give you the attention you deserve, but I cannot be the one.”
Where did that come from? What changed? I don’t understand when he just told me he liked me. Please help me with understanding men!
Hi Nice Girl,
OK, so you want to know why Joe’s interest changed? Well, I’m sure there are many missing details, but from the little bit you did share this is what I think. Let me say this gently – overall you need a bit of help understanding men. Below I’m going to provide some very direct and honest pointers that will help about this situation and for the future with men as well.
1. Inviting you to a business meeting is NOT a date.
Joe’s interest in you was business related, not romantic. What made you think he wanted to date you? He asked for your number to follow up for the business opportunity.
The Bottom Line: Don’t confuse a business meeting with a date.
2. He might have falsely shown interest to open a business conversation.
Joe may have flirted and turned on the charm a bit, hoping this would sell you on his multilevel marketing. But I didn’t hear anything about asking you for a date. Was this wrong on his part? Not really. Flirting and charm are a part of every day living.
The Bottom Line: Don’t confuse a man’s flirting with you for true romantic interest. They are not the same thing. Flirting with you may be fun, but that doesn’t mean he wants to date you. That may sound confusing, but it’s true. Please take my expert advice on this because I am 100% certain.
3. Once you turned down the business opportunity, he became distant.
Now we know for sure Joe was only interested in you for the business because after you turned him down, he “became distant” – your words. So what made you think things would continue? This was definitely not reading the situation clearly.
The Bottom Line: Don’t read into situations to get to your own conclusions. Look at things objectively. He became distant = lack of interest.
4. You directly ask whether or not he likes you.
Yikes! You didn’t have one date and thought it was OK to ask him directly if he likes you? At the start of dating, never put a man on the spot like this. What Joe did was save face and avoid hurting your feelings. That’s why he answered “Yes” to your question.
Clearly he didn’t mean it. If he was being distant and not engaging in texting, calling or most importantly ASKING YOU OUT ON DATES, then he doesn’t LIKE YOU. He was unresponsive and you pushed the issue.
5. You tell him you’ll accept friendship.
OK, I have a concern about your self-esteem. Do you consider yourself to be a consolation prize? If he doesn’t want you romantically, you’ll except friendship so you can at least have something? I don’t want to be too harsh but this is completely unacceptable.
The Bottom Line: Don’t offer your friendship to a man who makes himself distant. You deserve a boyfriend who pursues you and a friend who wants to be with you. This will not flow from a person already distancing himself.
6. You asked him to go for coffee.
The man is distant and you ask him out? Yes, friends go for coffee. But you never let the dust settle to see if he actually wanted to be friends. This is socially aggressive behavior when it comes to men. While men and women enjoy a good deal of equality in the work place, dating has not achieved that same level of balance.
When it comes to understanding men and dating, you must consider gender roles. It’s true things are changing for people under 30 and women can sometimes initiate – but gently and with feminine charm – not direct masculine ballsy-ness.
Singles over 40 operate with more traditional gender roles. Just know that regardless of your age – a person needs to show some kind of interest to be open to friendship or coffee. From the story you shared, I don’t see any hints even.
Many women today think that because of the equality that has been achieved, you can be as direct in your persona life with men as you are in busienss. Nothing can be further from the truth. The direct approach will only get a man to avoid you, back away and try to say anything so he doesn’t get some big emotional scene.
Think about it – what would have been your reaction if he answered honestly, “Nope, I don’t like you very much. Please stop bothering me.” If he said that you would have been floored. Your direct approach left him no choice to say anything else but falsely saying he liked you and was willing to be friends.
The Bottom Line: I don’t recommend asking a man out. If you decide to do it anyway because it feels right, never ask the same man out more than once. If a guy thinks dating you is a good idea, he’ll take over. If he doesn’t, then you know it’s time to move on.
7. This is an opportunity for understanding men and basic human behavior.
Seems like you need to practice reading between the lines. I realize this might not be easy for you. When you take everything at face value, a lot can feel confusing. For the future, one thing I can tell you is when someone pulls away and becomes distant, that is not a sign to move in and press for more. Instead, that’s a signal to walk away and look for someone who shows more interest in friendship or romance.
The Bottom Line: There is plenty written to help you with understanding men so you can learn to catch on faster, know when to let go and move on.
Wishing you love,
Working with a Dating Coach, whether you choose private dating coaching or group dating coaching can make a tremendous difference. Contact me today at 203-877-3777 to learn how I can help you with understanding men and finding love more easily.