Need help understanding men? This post answers a question from a reader about men and explains what is happening when a guy tells you, “I’m so busy.”
“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
I need your help. We’ve been dating for almost a month. He’s been attentive, making dates, really into me and then suddenly –a week before Valentine’s Day– he didn’t make time to see me. At the end of every date or time together he has followed up quickly… and now nothing. No texts for 3 days.
So I sent him a text advising him of my first day off in 4 weeks. He quizzed me about the day asking when I’m free and what work I’m doing now. Then nothing until LATE last night, he sent a weird message about how he’s been so busy and “did you have a fantastic day?” What is that about? I’m so OVER this dating bullsh*t.
I really like this guy and I thought he really liked me, you know? But not talking to me at all for 3 days and then quizzing me instead of having a heart-felt conversation (like we’ve had numerous times up until now) doesn’t cut it.
I’m sure Valentine’s Day is playing a part in freaking him out. I don’t care too much about Valentine’s Day – I just enjoy spending time together. I feel he’s losing interest in me. I want to ignore him right now because I’m so angry. 🙁 I don’t know what to do. Please give me some of your dating advice.
No Texts in Texas”
Dear No Texts,
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s so hard when dating seems to be going well and then BOOM, it fizzles out. And you have no idea what went wrong. Of course this is certainly not uncommon – pretty much standard dating nonsense.
Is he freaked out by Valentine’s Day? Maybe. But if he were as into you as he was acting, why would he risk turning you off? I’m going to guess something else is going on. When a man tells you he’s been so busy, that’s the biggest RED FLAG. He was so into you and now he’s suddenly busy? I don’t think so.
I hate to break this to you, but “I’m so busy” is ManSpeak or code to cover a bunch of circumstances. Let me help you with understanding men and explain what those words could mean:
- I’m not that into you any more
- I met someone else
- I don’t have time for you
- Dating is not my priority right now
- I’m done, but want to keep you hanging
He could also be pulling away like so many men do when things are going well and it occurs to them that a relationship is starting. That’s another reason why a guy might scamper off and become too busy. They do get scared about commitment and getting caught up in something. Usually this is the sign of an ambivalent man – one who isn’t sure what he wants.
There is no denying that dating is a process. It takes time to observe a man’s behavior in a variety of situations. You are watching for consistency in a man’s actions. This guy started out doing all the right things, but now he’s doing a disappearing act. I realize this kind of thing can take a toll on your heart.
I lived through this myself and it was tough no doubt. But I came up with a way to handle the disappointment and actually guard against it. When I was dating over 40 to find love, I noticed a lot of guys showed up gung ho, then evaporated. I also got sick of this quickly.
Date More Than One Man at a Time
For me, the solution was to date several men at the same time. Any man who pursued me and fit within my idea of a potential mate – I went out with him. This way, if a man was only around for one, two or three dates, I had other contenders in line.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It’s not sleazy – it’s very smart dating strategy! Especially for online dating – just expect men to be seeing other women until they tell you they want to be exclusive with you. Then you won’t be shocked when you find out you are not the only one.
Understanding Men – Realize Dating is a Glorified Sorting Process
The idea is to realize that dating is not the same as being in a relationship. From the first 4 – 8 dates, you are still in dating mode. Until you know you have a standing date on Saturday night (depending on schedules), you are NOT in a relationship.
Relationships take time to develop. Everything else is just dating where there is no commitment. The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to evaluate his/her potential as a mate and decide if you want to invest more time getting to know each other.
So, it’s time to let go and move on. Brush yourself off and start again. It’s not easy, but this is the only way you will find love. And believe me, if you persevere, YOU WILL FIND LOVE. I know because against all kinds of odds, I found an adorable man and we’ve been married now for nearly 15 years. I had no prospects when I started dating at 40, but found 30 guys to date in just 15 months.
Dating is a journey of self discovery. You are learning about yourself – what works and what doesn’t and how to react to keep yourself open to meeting more men. That’s the biggest secret of successful dating – don’t stop until you find the right one.
Wishing you love,
PS. Learn more about understanding men’s mixed signals in my Free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and get my newsletter with helpful insightful and tips