Understanding Men: 7 Clues He’s Not Thinking Long-Term

Get help understanding men – Want to know if the man you’re dating is thinking long-term about you? Here’s my dating advice on the clues that let you know if he’s really into you.

understanding men, dating advice for womenUnderstanding Men and Their Long-Term Plans

You’re dating this great guy and when you’re together, it’s fantastic. Your man is attentive, generous, and engaging. He treats you well and you have a lot of fun. But the time between dates makes you wonder about his intentions and where things are going. Hey, you’re a single woman and that’s normal right?

Well, yes and no. There are some specific signs that the man you’re dating might not be as into you as you hope. Check out these seven telltale clues to figure out if your man is thinking long-term about you.

7 Clues to Know If You’re in His Future


1) He talks about the future, but doesn’t get closer to commitment.

A lot of men will talk about the future, bringing it up without your prompting. Women often interpret this as a good sign. You think if he talks about the future on his own, it must mean he wants you there with him. Well, not exactly.

Sometimes guys just like to talk about the future because it’s fun. So they talk about the plans and things you could do together. Too often this is just talk and nothing more. Men know women like to plan, so it’s also a way to please you without doing anything. Talk is cheap. What truly matters is follow through. Does he act on his plans like buying concert tickets, planning a weekend getaway, etc.?

If he talks a good game but, never acts on these ideas, he’s probably not serious about a relationship with you. Don’t make the mistake thinking his idle chit chat indicates genuine interest. It doesn’t. Confusion sets in when you try to balance what he says with what he does. Let his actions speak for him and take your clues from there – that helps the most with understanding men.

2) He is always spontaneous.

Does the guy your dating usually call you at the last minute? This is a dead giveaway that he’s not a planner and calls only when you come to mind. That’s a clue he’s not thinking about you often enough to be interested in building a long-term relationship. He’s the kind of guy who fits you in when he has time or calls with something he wants to do with a woman.

When it comes to understanding men, a man who is thinking about a future with you plans ahead. He’s not just thinking about what would be fun in the moment. He wants to spend time getting to know you better because you’ve captured his attention.

3) He’s super busy with work or his kids.

Yeah, we’re all busy. But when a man is serious about you, he will MAKE TIME to see you come hell or high water as the saying goes. This is nothing more than a thin excuse to keep your expectations high and his commitment low. He may be a great father or a very successful doctor, but he’s showing you that you’ll never be his top priority.

If playing second string is not OK with you, then I advise you to move on. When it comes to understanding men, they often demonstrate exactly what they’re thinking if you can just step back and observe objectively.

4) He hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family.

This is a HUGE clue. A man who is excited to be with you and plan a future, wants to show you off. That means within two to three months, he’ll be introducing you to his friends and his family. This is how a man brings you into his world.

If your guy wants to spend all of his time alone with you because it’s more romantic, be suspicious. He might be seeing another woman who is involved in his life or not want anything too serious. Meeting friends and family is a right of passage in a relationship and is not something to take lightly.

Meeting his children is a bit different and this could take longer. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, if you don’t meet his kids by the six month mark, my dating advice for women is to address that directly with him. Otherwise, you might remain his best kept secret and never become anything more.

5) His attention is waning.

When you first started seeing your man, he was in touch regularly. He texted daily, called every few days and saw you once or twice a week. Then for some reason, he started to slow down on dates. He keeps up with the texting and calls on occasion. But the time between dates starts to grow and you only have a couple of dates per month.

While it’s true that the start of dating is the most exciting, if your dates become sparse, that’s a clue that he’s not into you anymore. Again my dating advice for women is to let go and find a man who continues to show strong interest or wants to spend time with you.

6) He’s critical versus encouraging.

Occasionally you date a man who loves everything about you at first, but slowly he starts to be critical. Maybe he doesn’t like your dress, says your hair looked better the other way or your attention to current events needs work. Whatever brings out his critical nature, he’s not being supportive or encouraging.

Constant criticism cuts into your confidence and self-esteem. The right man for you knows you have a few flaws, but loves you anyway. He doesn’t insult you in front of others by making disparaging comments. He may, on a rare occasion take you aside and mention something thinking he is being helpful, but this is rare.

This is a biggie when it comes to understanding men; If the man you ‘re dating constantly criticizes, you can do without him. Cut your losses and look for a more loving and supportive partner. Life is too short for anything less.

7) He doesn’t include you in his everyday life.

When you find the right man, he wants to share his life with you; the good and the not so good. He calls to celebrate his victories. He seeks out your suggestions because he knows you’re smart and can offer another perspective. He values your opinion when it comes to making a big decision.

If the man you’re dating keeps you in the dark about his everyday life, that is not a good sign about a future together. If this level of give and take is not growing in your relationship, that’s a sure sign he’s not thinking long-term about you. I recommend that you move on to find a man who can be open enough to include you in his daily life.

That’s my dating advice to help you with understanding men and determining if your guy is thinking about you long-term.

If you want more insight into dating over 40 get my free book, 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Will Keep You Single

43 responses on “Understanding Men: 7 Clues He’s Not Thinking Long-Term

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Elfida, You may not want to hear this but a lot can happen while away at school. it might be too soon for your boyfriend to commit long term when he doesn’t know what his life will look like once his education has been completed and he gets a job. If you pressure him at this point, it seems like that could push him away. I don’t think there is much you can do about it. So, focus on living in the present and enjoy what is with him rather than getting ahead of yourself.

  2. elfida

    I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now…I love spending time with him and I think he does too. we are currently doing our exams so he is verrrry busy with that but the other day we had an argument and he said I was rushing into things when I joke about getting married and kids etc. as well as that we never know whats going to happen.I have met half of his family and they all love me and I really cant imagine a world without him.We will be going to uni in a few months which means we wont be at the same one. Even though I have asked him about what we will do in uni he said we will figure a way out together. He also does make a lot of effort when he does but I just feel like im more committed than he is, do you think its just because he is focused a lot on his exams rather than me, or am I just temporary for him ? He did say that he wouldn’t have shown me his family and did everything together with them if he wasn’t serious but im just really worried…

  3. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Jane, I am so sorry to tell you he’s a player. He asked all those questions, acted interested and talked about his goal of a long-term relationship to make you feel safe about him. Hearing about his actions since, you realize he’s lost interest. He got what he wanted but isn’t cutting things off yet. Maybe he wants the option to sleep with you again. Don’t feel bad – you had a great experience with him and it was fun – that has value! In the future, since you are disappointed, don’t believe what a man tells you. Hold off and watch his behavior. What does he do to get to know you and see you in person before he sleeps with you. You need several dates maybe 5-6 or even more to know a man is serious about you. The purpose of waiting is not because of what he might think about you. It’s so you don’t get your heart broken. You might want to read this post on recognizing a player and this one about why a man makes vague dates.

  4. Jane

    I met this guy on a dating app and initially, he asked tons of questions and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. After a month, we met up. It was a good first date, and we decided to meet again. During our second date (the next week), we hooked up. It was amazing. Prior to hooking up, he told me he’s looking for a committed long-term relationship, but isn’t against hooking up while looking. And his past hookups sometimes evolve into relationships. I agreed to hook up because I wanted to and thought it could progress into something more. After, we both agreed more dates would be fun – this made me believe we were heading in the dating direction. The problem is his texting is now sporadic, sometimes taking days and he’s no longer curious about me. I always text first and mention meeting up. Even if he plans to meet, he’s never specific, regularly forgets and doesn’t text say he cannot make it. Our recent encounters suggest he lost interest but I’d like to see where this can go. I have never been in this situation before, so I would really like some advice about what I should do.

  5. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi IslandGirl, I hate to say it but, no answer IS an answer. Even his best answer is LAME, being his only one but not sure where. After 2.5 years, it’s safe to say he has no intention of committing anything and his demanding friends thing is pure excuse on his part. So, if you want a committed relationship and lasting love with a man, it’s time to cut your losses and find a man who wants that too. This guy has had two years to claim you and has proved he’s not the ONE for you.

  6. IslandGirl

    I am in a long distance relationship (2 hours away) and have been dating a man for 2.5 years. He broke up with me 5 months ago (tried to date other women but didn’t get anywhere) and we got back together. I am always there when he needs me, but he’s not always there for me… His friends are demanding of his time. One day he’ll say I am his one and he knows we will be together one day but doesn’t know where. The next month he’ll say he doesn’t know what the future holds cause he can’t make decisions for the future… We have both been married before LONG term (over 15 years each) and didn’t have the best marriage on either side. He knows where I stand _ he is who I want, but I can’t get a straight answer out of him. We have been fighting a lot more because I’m scared of getting hurt. I asked him to let me know if he sees me as his forever or if not- let me go…He won’t do either. I just want a straight answer and don’t want to waste more time if he’s not committed. Any advise?

  7. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rebecca, When a man tells you he doesn’t do relationships, he means it. He is happy with how things are. His previous hurt is not relevant – he’s simply not capable of more. So sadly, you are gambling with your heart. You say you are strong and independent, yet you’d be devastated if you lost him. That’s a contradiction right? It could be your fierce independence is exactly why you are with a man who can’t give you more. I have found this frequently true for women who say this about themselves who choose unavailable men. In a way, it suits you because you have your freedom, but at the price of your heart. Ask yourself how you will feel next year if nothing has changed. If you are OK with that, then enjoy where you are. However, if you’ll be filled with regret that you didn’t move on to find true love, that’s your answer. Hoping is ideal for serious illness and the lottery, but a way smart women often lie to themselves about a relationship that isn’t right for them.

  8. Rebecca

    Hello Ronnie,
    I have been seeing a man for a year; a single parent with a demanding job. We are friends with benefits, but speak and text daily, and see each other at least one day a week. I really love him and he knows it. He told me he does not do relationships, but is always available to me. I know he cares for me and has been hurt in the past with other relationships. I know I am gambling here with my heart but at the same time I do see possibility or hope. My job is a problem and I hate that he sees my struggle. I am fiercely independent and very strong. But I accept less when I’m not in my best place. I have grown very attached to this man and we cannot go a day without speaking. We laugh and share a lot. I fear I could not be just a friend to him and to think that I could lose such an important person in my life would be really devastating.

  9. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Diana, I can’t say why your boyfriend is so undecided. But I can tell you that when a man is like this and tells you he’s not sure – believe him. Love is not enough as you can see. Since he’s unsure, you might want to break things off to guard your heart. Tell him he’s welcome back when he decides but you have to take care of yourself and this is too painful. The stick to that decision. Don’t keep talking to him. Let him go. And if he finally figures out what he wants, he’ll come back. And if not at least he won’t drag you through the mud of his indecision and break your heart.

  10. diana

    Hi, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and in march we broke up for two months because he said he didn’t know what he wanted. We still spoke here and there and we still hung out. I told him recently I can’t keep seeing him if hes not sure if he wants to be in a relationship and I can’t be friends either. He told me he love me and wants to be with me so currently we together again. I told him things were going to be different and I’m not just gonna let everything go like I did before. If he wants to be in a relationship, he needs to prove it and show me he cares. He said he’s trying but doesn’t know what he wants long term which is why he doesn’t want to waste my time. He feels like that’s whats gonna happen. I don’t know what to do. I am in love with him and believe he loves me. Two weeks ago he was told our friends he wants to marry me and then he doesn’t know what he wants long term. This makes no sense.

  11. Julie

    I’ve been dating a man for the last three months although we have been speaking for 8 months. We love an hour and a half apart . Lately we have been getting to make more plans with each other . I talked to him last night and said although I’m willing to take things slow (he just got divorced and was in a 15 year relationship and I just got divorced as well) I was uncomfortable not being monogamous . We talk every day (often), communicate well, and are there for each other . He said he is just not ready for that commitment with anyone yet but believes that we are meant to be and it will work out . He said he is trying to work on his issues first and in order to do that can’t commit . I’m not sure if I should give this a fair shake . My gut says to be patient and not let a good thing go but I don’t want to get hurt.

  12. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Simone, Don’t feel bad – this man was talking out of both sides of his mouth! Move closer but I have no time for you? I think you deserve a better man. This relationship would be all about him. When would you matter? Sometimes future talk is just to get you into bed. But whatever his reasons, he’s not the man for you. Don’t look back! Look forward because I guarantee you there’s a better man out there for you. Go meet some new guys.

  13. Simone

    Hi, I have been casually dating this guy for 2-3 months. He is single but has two kids. He was cheated on in his last relationship. On our third date he told me he was looking to settle down because he is getting older and so forth. He has also spoke of moving in together but I told him it was way too early for me especially since we are not official. He did warn me of his busy schedule and told me that is why he is still single and he is working on making time to date and that it is his flaw. I have noticed this to be true. He cancels last minute and sometimes I will not hear from him after. He tells me it would be easier if we lived together or if I moved a little closer to him. I can see where he is coming from but I also feel a compromise should be reached. It seems if it is not his way then he does not know how to deal with things. I feel that I am not a priority and that he also may not be interested anymore but he constantly brings up future plans and even spoke of getting a pet together. I ended things, but I am questioning if I ended too soon.

  14. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Valeria, Thankfully he was honest with you. Sounds to me like waiting for him is not a good idea since he’s so uncertain. Men can’t make long-term plans when everything is so uncertain. He’s just not in a position to make any commitments. So my advice is to move on gracefully. But let him know you’d like to stay in touch so that when things do settle down, if he likes you might try again. You just can’t put your life on hold until that happens which is why my advice is to just let go with grace and move on. It’s not easy but it makes the most sense to avoid certain heartbreak and wasting time on a man who isn’t ready for more.

  15. Valeria

    I want to thank you for all of those answers to random people. My boyfriend and I are both 21 – we have been a couple for 2 years and we have a good relationship. We talk about everything and he is considerate with me. He was living in my city for 1.5 years and then he moved to another city with his family -they loves me and I love them. Everything is really nice! But because of his studies he is moving again. I asked him if he saw me in his future and he said he didn’t know. He said there are a lot of changes to come and he didn’t want to hurt me. He wants to be with me but he is not even sure about career, etc. He said I don’t even know what I am going to do next month, but he loves me. I know we are all different but I don’t know what to do. Should I wait or if I should move on or whaaaat, I know I’m young and I don’t want to marry him right know. I just want to have plans with him in the future. Thanks again.

  16. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Crissy, When a man doesn’t introduce you to his family after 6 months. That is NOT a god sign. When he never spends a full day with you that’s not good either. Are you sure he’s single because he’s sort of acting like he has another woman in his life and can’t be caught with you. Why else would he not treat you like his girlfriend all the time or introduce you to his family? It’s because he CAN’T be seen or caught with you in public. It’s time to move on and find a boyfriend who treats you right and includes you in his life. This guy is not the one and no matter how much you bring this up or ask, he’s not going to change.

  17. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Natalie – Do you see yourself moving there or him moving to your country any time soon? I doubt it and that’s why this is likely a fantasy relationship with great vacation visits. As a professor is he really going to uproot himself? I recommend letting it go – these long distance things are nearly impossible. He might genuinely care, but that doesn’t mean he’s moving to live with you any time soon. Check out this post on long distance relationships which isn’t exactly the same thing but can give you some insights

  18. Natalie

    Hi Ronnie,
    I’m currently “dating” a guy I met a year ago abroad while I was in a graduate exchange program. He’s a professor and has been always there for me personally. Huge age difference about 12 or so. He’s never been married, he almost did 6 years ago but his fiancee ghosted on him which really hurt him. We dated a few days before I returned to my country and confessed that we liked each other. We did the deed first night after confession. He has visited me twice by flying 6 hours to my country now, but I think he himself is confused on what he wants. Before he talked about not having children, but after his second visit he told me that he would have to sort his life and make a decision because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s giving himself until the end of the year before he gives me an answer. (Note that I never asked him to commit to me. I just asked him what his intentions were during his first trip to my country.) I actually told him that I don’t see myself getting married as I’ve been a cynic lately (although in truth I told him this so he wouldn’t think I’m expecting something from him). He’s very attentive to my needs, very caring, messages me everyday, tries to call me minimum thrice a week. Our talks are very deep, very philosophical, and we help each other a lot. We act like a couple, but we don’t have a label or a commitment yet. I hope you can help me figure him out for he’s driving me nuts.

  19. crissy

    Hi, Ronnie Ann Ryan. I like your answers. I’m dating this guy starting April 2017 to November 2017. He never included me in meeting his family or friends. He says he loves me and wants to marry me. He went out to dinner with his family tells me his sons are with their girlfriends and the only person missing at the dinner table is his other son. He never spends quality time with me. Never spent a whole day together on the weekends. And when we go out he treats me like I am his buddy. When we are alone he treats me as his girlfriend. I did bring up about not meeting family or friend he has not still.

  20. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Crissy, I hate to tell you this but this doens’t look good. Treating you like a buddy in public makes me suspicious. Any chance he has another woman? That’s the perfect reason for not introducing you to friends and family – then everyone would know he’s a cheater! If he is single, this is a poor way to be treated. After 7 months not blending you into his life, is a BAD sign. Add to that how he doesn’t want to talk about it and I can pretty much guarantee that things will not get better. I would say he doesn’t love you enough to make you or your happiness a priority. That means it’s time to move on. You deserve better and better men are out there.

  21. crissy

    Hi, I’m dating this guy for 7 months starting April 2017 November 2017. I never met anybody in his family or his friends. I did bring it up but nothing has changed. And when we go out as a couple he acts like I’m just a buddy. How do I know if he loves me or not? When I ask about things like meeting family, he just says I’m arguing and won’t talk about it.

  22. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Cathy,
    I totally understand your frustration. You want the relationship to progress and he wants to stay a pampered little boy. Who can blame him since mommy makes his life easy? With you, he’d have to grow up. Unfortunately, love is not enough. Since you have talked to him multiple times and nothing changes you are seeing this is all he is capable of. You could bring this up one last time and tell him you want to live together and build a life as partners. Set a time for this to happen (six months or whatever time you are willing to wait). But if you do this, it’s an ultimatum and you must be willing to leave him if he doesn’t give you what you want. This is not mean or unreasonable – it’s honest. You have a right to your vision and desire and so does he. They might never mesh and you might as well find out now so you can move on to find a man who is ready for an adult relationship.

  23. Cathy

    I’ve tried to break up with my boyfriend of over a year a few times now but he always wants to talk things out. After we talk he makes some changes but the things I really want are still lacking. He is a great guy. We have great sex, we have fun together with his friends and mine. His family likes me and mine likes him. We go on numerous dates each week. But..I’m nearing 30 and he’s 28. I’ve lived on my own since I was 17. While my parents helped me a little through school, Ive always been independent. He still lives with his parents and brother and his mother does his laundry, sends food over, etc. He seems perfectly content with they way things are so even though we make future plans for traveling and such, we don’t make plans for the big stuff. He just said he loved me for the first time 2 weeks ago. I tried to end things. I also hate how we’ve never stays at each other’s place more than one night. I feel silly because to everyone else we have everything but to me we’re missing some of the most important parts. I’m ready for a full partner complete with living together but, he isn’t anywhere near there. Am I being unreasonable?

  24. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Sarah – I agree with YOU! Take him at face value – he wants to be friends with benefits and doesn’t see you as his long-term love. Since that is what you want, walk away. Women often think men are just afraid – but that’s a lie we tell ourselves. When a man tells you something as bold as “I don’t think we’re a fit”, BELIEVE HIM! You know a man is telling the truth when he says something that could push you away and it’s not what you want to hear. Men do this to alleviate guilt, so if the woman wants to continue, great! After all, he told her the truth! So, don’t do it. Go for what you want!

  25. sarah

    Hi Ronnie,
    I have been seeing this guy for about 2-3 months, meeting up once a week for lunch, dinner, or coffee. After a month, we became intimate after discussing being free of emotional baggage. However, I got mixed messages from long conversations about life, etc. We have amazing chemistry and connection. I told him if he wanted a FWB relationship, he would have to find someone else because I can only emotionally tolerate either a friendship or a real relationship where we agree to get to know each seriously. He said he didn’t like anyone at the moment – that’s confusing! We talked a few days later and I tried to clarify that I have feelings for him and wanted to know how he felt about me. He said although he was extremely attracted to me and find me a desirable and exceptional catch, he didn’t “think I’m a right fit in the long term”. He wants to be my friend and proceeded to spend the rest of the night like the other wonderful nights with hours long conversations. My girl friends think it’s a vague comment and he’s just scared of commitment but I’m thinking I should take his comment at its face value. What are your thoughts?

  26. Rebecca

    Hi Ronnie, thank you for replying.

    I have always known this somewhere inside…
    It’s just the fear of losing someone so close.. someone who understands me so well and someone I love so much..

    I know nothing is impossible but even after trying not to talk to him it doesn’t happen and given that we are in same industry, we are connected on some social media platform. I have tried blocking him and not talking to him and then every time I fall weak. May be I need more strength. Thank you for your advice. Love.

  27. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Rebecca,
    Let me clear things up for you. Here’s what’s going on in his mind. He likes having you on the side – someone to flirt and have sex with who is not his wife. He is very clear telling you to get married. That means he thinks you should see other men and find your own committed relationship. He’s not the one and never will be. What part is confusing? Seems very clear to me.

    If you want to find love with a man of your own, you’ll have to stop seeing him. Don’t tell me you can’t – of course you can. You just need to decide that’s what you want, then you tell him it’s over and you stop answering his texts. You block him on your phone and you take time to heal. You would feel a lot better about yourself since it must be weighing on your conscious that he’s married.

    I know many women who wasted years of their lives with married men and when it finally ends, they are hurt, older and have given away their child-bearing years. Hopefully that will not happen to you. I wish you the strength to do what is right for yourself and seek out a man who is focused on you alone. You deserve to have your own man for a loving and monogamous relationship.

  28. Rebecca

    Hi! I have been seeing this man I met due to our professional work 2 years back. We started talking, met a few times in official meetings and became very good friends. Even though he is 10 year older than me and married we could connect really well. From the past year we have been seeing each other. I never thought I would be doing something so wrong! But it’s may be his charm that I just couldn’t help it even knowing that it can’t be accepted by anyone. Even now we meet every month or two weeks depending upon whenever he is. We talk everyday and message each other all the time except weekends ( as he is married). 6 months back we broke up with each other for 2-3 months knowing that there’s no future. He says that he likes me a lot and wishes the best for me. He always has live saving advice handy be it my personal or professional issues. He also is encouraging me to get married (which annoys me and I feel quite odd, as if he likes/loves me, how could he see me with someone else?). Now we are seeing each other again and everything is like it was. He doesn’t want to leave his wife and extended family ( as they rely upon him) and wants me to get married. I know it’s wrong and I should stop talking to him/ seeing him. I am just not able to do so. I am really not sure what is going on in his mind?

  29. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Karen,
    Sounds like his interest is waning. Perhaps he is thinking about the move and how he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship. Who knows what is going on in his mind? When a man is too busy to see you, he’s letting you kw you are not important to him. So that doesn’t bode well for your situation. Could be time to move on since he’s not giving you the attention you want.

  30. Karen

    I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months; he is very busy. We were seeing each other frequently 2 times per week in the beginning. He hasn’t scheduled any dates ahead of time recently, but texts daily and rare phone calls. He plans to move to a different state in the coming yr. We have not had an exclusivity talk, nor discussed what either of us are looking for. The butterflies are gone. He does stare at me and listens intently when I talk. Is it time to walk away?

  31. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Katherine, I recommend that you work to heal feelings from previous abuse since that is impacting your current relationship. Sometimes amazing things can happen when you heal and make changes within yourself. Especially if you are closed off or push him away as you said. What would your relationship be like if you were open with him? I can’t promise he will step up and tell you he loves you. But he may be reacting and holding back partially due to your own behavior. No matter what, healing yourself is the best course to take whether it helps you with this man or the next. You will win by making this effort on your own behalf.

  32. Katherine

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for half a year now and I am having a hard time opening up to him. He lied to me twice at the beginning of our relationship and after that I confronted him and he never did it again. I know his family and a few of his friends. We text every day and see each other once a week. He always tries hard to make time for me even when he’s busy. But he hasn’t told me he loved me yet and I feel like even though he always tries to be there for me, he never turns to me when he has a problem. I wish he trusted me enough to do so. But then again, maybe it’s because I don’t really open up either, like sometimes I push him away or I act cold. I believe I do this because my ex abused me emotionally. Do you think this situation is likely to improve over time to turn into a closer bond? Or do you believe this distance between us will stay? What can I do to actively improve it?
    Thanks in advance

  33. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Brandy,
    Who can say what is normal? Instead my advice is to do what you are doing – take things slowly. You don’t really know anyone in just three weeks. So he may seem wonderful but as with your ex, time will tell. It’s all about his actions, not what the two of you talk about. Is he consistent with communication and dates? Does he prove trustworthy with time? Does your relationship deepen and is he supportive? You can only know these things over a period of months, not weeks.

    As far as grieving goes, you are done when you are done. Only you can know for sure and since you knew in your heart it was wrong for so long, you might have done the work. It is possible. Good luck with the new guy!

  34. Brandy

    How long should one start dating or taking a relationship slow after one ends? I broke up with my ex because I finally did what I’d known deep down to do for six months prior to the breakup. He and I were not a great match and it took me a over a year to admit that, two to be exact and another six months before I was able to let go. A little over three weeks after our breakup I met another guy whom I’m able to visualize a future with because for me first time in my life I feel like we bond on a deeper level than I have with any other guy. We understand each other emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He just seem like a way better fit. I also know that everything seems to be coming faster with this new guy than my ex. I would actually have to explain the difference in detail, it’s completely opposite of my last relationship. Is it possible to have grieved a relationship so much when you were in it that leaving felt like a breath of fresh air? I feel like that relationship prepared me for this guy I just met. Is that normal? The guy and I have agreed to take things slow because we feel that we were supposed to meet each other and there is something special between us. Is that normal and what are we supposed to do with this?

    My last relationship ended a month ago. 02/13/17

  35. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Lynn,
    Sorry to tell you this but no he’s not serious. A man who is serous makes you part of his life and introduces you to his friends and family. He would never hide.

  36. lynn

    hi have been dating a guy for three years now but he is never open to me i just notice that he hinds alot its like he dont want me to know but unfortunately sometimes he tells me like i dont earn any money from where i work unfortunately when with his boss some day she told him that you want your salary to be increased yet you are not woking as much as am too desperate for his help it rare for him to give me a hand i know his friends and for family i know only his cousins he never talks about meeting his parents is these mam really serious with me?

  37. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Juliana,
    This is one of the hardest parts of dating. You can’t do ANYTHING to MAKE A MAN FALL IN LOVE with you. All you can do is be yourself and give him room to decide you are the one for him. You do not want to bring up being serious after just a month – its far too fast. In addition, you cannot change a man. So if he doesn’t naturally have the kind of conversation you want, he likely never will. Which means he might not the right man for you.

    Having lots in common and being nice isn’t always enough for the compatibility needed in a long-term relationship. I’m not saying you should stop seeing him – watch what happens over the next 3 months. But if he doesn’t open up more, and he doesn’t answer an occasional personal question about himself, then you know he might not be your guy.

  38. Juliana

    I know it’s too soon tell but I like to think ahead… I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a month now and we were friends for only like 2 months. I knew he was a nice genuine guy and wanted him as a friend. Later on I found we have tons of stuff in common and connect in a way that I can’t with anyone else. I can tell he likes me a lot and likes all my flaws and all. The problem is one it’s too early to tell and two mainly he is not that open or talkative about himself. How do I talk serious to a guy who does not respond directly and rather have his actions speak for him, when I want his words to? How do I get him to take me seriously as a serious and long term girlfriend?

  39. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Meagan,

    I am going to be very direct with you and I hope you won’t mind. I have your best interest at heart and want to help clear up a few things about this man. 1st – he’s NO gentleman. Gentleman do NOT cheat on the women they live with or the mother of their children. You are “the other woman” so you are correct in knowing there will be nothing more for you with him. I advise you to stop seeing him because while there are parts you like, keep in mind the part of him that cheats because they come with the parts you like. He clearly would not make a good long-term partner even if he offered you that – one woman is not enough for him.

    My next question is – you have been dating a man for 5 years AND seeing this guy for three? Do you have an open relationship with your boyfriend? Do you love him? Why are you not faithful to him? I always encourage people to finish one relationship before starting another. Maybe I’m too practical but I think anything else is very confusing. So if you don’t love your boyfriend of 5 years, hey it happens. Be honest with him and tell him. Then go look for a single man to date and find love again. Wishing you love.

  40. Meagan

    Hi – I have been casually dating a guy on and off for three years..he is significantly older than I am about 14 years. I’ve had a crush on him for a long time before we started hanging out. He has two children and still stays with the mother of those children who he has been with for twelve years and is not married. He often sends different messages too me, but he is always a gentleman and very sweet. I don’t think at this stage he is going to ever be ready for a closer relationship. We talk about things other than sex and have yet to go on a real dinner date. I have met his children who are 2 and ten….I really like this guy but I am still in a relationship with someone for five years. From what I said about the other guy can you draw any conclusions from that. Thanks

  41. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Gillian – This is a lot of drama. How difficult! Most times men don’t leave their wives for the other woman. On a rare occasion it might happen. But I’d be worried that at some point, history will repeat itself and he’ll be leaving you for the next woman.

    Plus you are also already in a relationship? You both might just be trying to get away from your current relationship and then discover you have no foundation. The best thing you can do is clean up one relationship before you start another. He’s not emotionally free yet and wont’ be for a full year after his divorce. I suggest you take care of yourself and heal before moving on to see who else is out there.

  42. Gillian Wright

    I started seeing a man at work who was married. He had told her he didn’t love her anymore and was sleeping in the spare room. Someone saw us kiss outside work one night and his wife changed the locks and put out his clothes. He stayed with family then went back to her after a month or so. We were seeing a fair bit of each other in and out of work prior to that and we got along great. He said he loved me, missed me like crazy when we were apart and we spent a few hours in a hotel one night when again we were seen in the bar. His wife gave him an ultimatum, me or her, and as I am in the process of splitting with my partner and selling my house after the year we have nowhere to go although we have spoken about getting a place together.i can’t decide if he still loves her or is just waiting for me to get sorted out.

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