Looking for Dating Advice for Women about How to Tell Your Date Your Big Secrets?
This week I was on HuffPo Live Google Hangout (or video chat) which is always fun. The topic? How to tell your date you’re a virgin and are waiting to have sex until marriage. That’s a biggie so let me give you some back story on my dating advice for women.
Ellen Burkhardt, a freelance writer, researcher, traveler from Minneapolis, MN, wrote an article that appeared on Salon.com about her dating status. This successful 26 year old who is looking for love, has a religious, traditional view on mating and waiting. Until she says her wedding vows, she’s taken another kind of vow – abstention, when it comes to having sex. She is now and will remain a virgin until her wedding night.
As a dating coach for women, I have plenty of thoughts on this philosophy, but that’s not what this post is about. Instead, I’m going to give advice on how to handle touchy topics with a new guy you’re dating.
Being a dating coach for 12 years, I’ve heard nearly everything you can imagine. Women are often very concerned about what they consider their flaws, secrets or conditions. Here is a sampling of the kinds of things my clients worry about sharing with their dates:
- Heath issues
- Eating disorders
- Sexual abuse
- Addiction recovery
- Money troubles
- Children with special needs
- Living with a parent
Most women feel inclined to rush to discuss these concerns. They want to “put everything on the table right up front”. That way, their dates know about it and can make a choice to deal with it or not. When I share my dating tips for women, I explain how this is a very poorly thought out strategy.
Dumping Your Private Story on a Man
When you dump your private concerns on a man in the first meeting, you are actually challenging him to like you. That’s right. When you tell a man you are a recovering addict or anything from the list above including being a virgin on a first date, you are not giving him a chance to get to know you for the bigger picture of who you are. In essence, you are taking out a spotlight, and shining it down on that one part of you, keeping him from seeing you as the big picture wonderful human being and woman you are.
When women tell me they just want to put it out there, I know they are really saying, “Hey, this is who I am. Take it or leave it.” Let me ask you, if the shoe were on the other foot and a man presented himself this way to you, is this an invitation you’d accept? I THINK NOT! I’d advise you to leave it and him in the coffee shop. This strategy is very off-putting and will not get you second dates.
Let Him Get to Know You First
What works better is to let a man get to know you a little bit first before you bare your soul and share private details. Give him a chance to see the real you and all your good parts. I’m sure there are many wonderful things about you that are lovable, despite any short comings.
Once he starts to know and like you, then you can tell him whatever your big secret is. This is NOT manipulative! This is wise because your private life needs to be guarded, not shared before you know the man is worthy of having access to such personal facts about you. Think about the FBI or the Army – everything is done on a “need to know” basis and people have to earn special clearance for different levels of secrecy. Same thing goes for your life too.
So if you meet a man and start to feel he has real potential, do not push him away with your problems. That’s a surefire way to keep yourself single. Because when you say it all up front and put it on the table, you are making the situation bigger than you as a whole person. Whatever is going on with you is simply a part of the full being you are, not the sole focus. Don’t let your problems define you.
My Dating Advice for Women
This is basically the dating advice I shared with Ellen on the HuffPo Live segment. I recommend holding off on sharing deep dark secrets until at least date three. For Ellen, she might wait a bit longer until her date breaks the intimacy barrier and makes a pass at her. Then she can tell the guy she will only have sex with the man she marries.
If you have an addiction problem, but are in recovery, hold off until the third date to discuss this. By then, the guy has potentially started to like you. So your past addiction, health problems, bankruptcy, etc. doesn’t seem nearly as big as when it’s the first thing he knows about you.
Hey, everybody has some kind of skeleton in their closet. Try not to feel so terribly uncomfortable that you use this “flaw” to keep men away. Get to know a man, give him a chance to know you and tell him a little later. In fact, you don’t need to “come completely clean” the first time you tell him. You an parcel things out, keeping in mind the very wise strategy of “the need to know” basis.
The last thing you want is a long string of first dates with men who now know your most intimate concerns and walk away with that information. Thinking about it this way, you can start to see the greater wisdom of NOT blurting it all out up front.