Understanding Men: Hooking Up and Hanging Out

Understanding men, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann RyanNeed help understanding men?

Let me explain what hooking up and hanging out really mean to men in this answer to a reader’s question.

 

“Hello Ronnie – The Dating Coach for Women,

I’m an Asian and he’s Aussie. We’ve known each other for a few months – he’s my guitar teacher and has been living in my country for a year. Two weeks ago he invited me to his birthday party at a bar with his friends, housemates and my friends as well.That was the first time we hung out,

I can see he was interested in me and asked if he can kiss me. Honestly I haven’t dated anyone for years so it was a bit shy for me. He understood that and we did kiss. The next day he texted and say it was great hanging out with me and asked if I was free to catch up again. The second hanging out was at his house, I’ve been there before because he teaches me guitar in his room, but that night I got a bit nervous because I know it’s different now.

I think he know I’m nervous and said “Don’t worry I’m not going to have sex with you tonight, just give me a lil kiss.” We cuddled and watched a movie, but after that it was a bit hard to resist, so we made out. When I thought we were about to have sex I said, “Not tonight because I have to work early tomorrow.”

He took me home and texted me the next day saying it was great hanging out with me last night.  I reply saying that “I enjoyed it too. I like you. but we’re moving a bit fast. I prefer taking it slowly.” He just said he understood and wanted to let me know that he was getting to know about me and not asking me to be his girlfriend or to commit to him. He said it was all good though and maybe we’d catch up for a coffee later.

He hasn’t texted me since then and I keep feeling like I screwed things up by saying that. After a week he texted and asked “How are you doing and what’s been happening?”  I just causally replied I’m busy with work. We texted a bit but he didn’t say anything about meeting up.

What do you think Ronnie? I’m a bit confused and don’t know what to react next. Should I take guitar lesson or stop it? I’m just starting to get to know him too, but I don’t want to get into the hook up culture. Moreover, in western culture this still isn’t dating right? Just hanging out?

I’m hoping for a long-term relationship and it’s not easy for me to kiss or date anyone when I don’t have feelings and connection. Should I try to get to know more about him or move on? And how to know if he’s still interested?

Thanks for your help,
Guitar Student”

 

Dear Guitar Student,

You asked a lot of questions about better understanding men, so to keep my response short, I’m going to get right to the point.

1. When a man asks you to “Hang out and watch a movie at his house,” that is ManSpeak for “Let’s have sex.” Never go to a man’s home until you are ready for intimacy. And certainly don’t think it has any meaning for him in terms of wanting a relationship with you.

2. Hooking up is even more obvious that a man’s intentions are merely sexual.

3. Good for you for putting the breaks on and turning him away!

4. When you said “No,” did it ruin your chances for a relationship with him? Nope, he’s not interested in a relationship probably beyond something casual.

5. Did telling him you didn’t want to go that fast ruin things? Nope, he still texted you, but I question his motives and intentions. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but probably not great boyfriend or committed relationship material.

6. What should you do next? Nothing to further the relationship. Leave that ball in his court. Especially if you don’t want to be part of the Hookup culture. hanging out might be considered dating – but it’s very casual and will likely never lead to anything more. Hookups rarely transform into a mutual loving relationship. They are usually one-sided emotionally and relationships of convenience for the purpose of sex.

7. Should you move on? Yes! If you are looking for a committed relationship, he’s probably not the right guy.

8. Taking more guitar lessons? Look for a guitar teacher who works out of a store rather than his house, so you don’t have to worry about crossing lines again.

Anything can happen. Here the idea of this situation turning into true love seems unlikely. But if he starts to text AND call you regularly with weekly dates outside of his home, then you may have a possibility of relationship. I would steer clear of anything less.

I hope this helped you with understanding men better and I encourage you to stay out of a man’s home so you can take things slowly which is your preference anyway.

Wishing you love,

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan

 

 

2 responses on “Understanding Men: Hooking Up and Hanging Out

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan Post author

    Hi Bill, A gigantic THANK YOU for acknowledging my work and your manly point of view! I try not keep a balanced tone and not blame men. You are so right that women can be guilty of many of the same behaviors. Draw the line wherever it feels right to you. Wishing you love, Ronnie

  2. Bill

    Hi Ronnie,

    Listen, as a man, for the past 45 minutes I really appreciated reading a few of your posts and dialogue with your readers. It’s helped me recognize the “hook ups” I’m under pressure to do with other grad students (women). Sometimes it’s the ladies that push for this nonsense! I like how you characterize these “casual” situations: emotionally one-sided and mainly for the purpose of sex.

    It’s soul-sucking.

    Also I agree with you about texting. It’s a morass, the worst of social interaction; people offer false self-presentations and use others to prop their egos and get attention. Same goes for social media.

    Anyway just giving credit where credit is due. Thank you so much.

    – Bill

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