Dating a separated man and running into problems? There are some important situations to watch out for when the guy is not divorced yet. Most women don’t realize tremendous downside of dating while separated.
Avoid Dating a Separated Man
“Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach for Women,
My intuition is telling me to walk away from my current romantic situation but there are other factors involved and I don’t want to make a mistake. I met an old flame again in June and he asked me out on a date. He is currently separated from his wife and has been for almost two years. We are both in out 50s.
I went out on three dates with him before he told me that he’d told his wife about us. Within a week of this he informed me that she was texting him constantly and putting him under a lot of pressure and he was feeling guilty. On our 4th and 5th date he suddenly went very cold on me. The last date was an absolute nightmare.
He then informed me that he was going to see his wife to ‘sort things out and move on one way or the other’ and he hope I understood! I was fine with that but, heard nothing for a few days so naturally I was a little anxious when he eventually text me. He said things were really bad between then and then had loads to sort out.
I informed him that I wasn’t happy with the way things were going between us and suggested I give him some space which he agreed to. He said he would text me when ‘his head was sorted’. That was over a month ago. I’ve had a few texts since but nothing to indicate that we are getting back together.
I bumped into him recently and he was a little drunk but all over me. I admit to pushing him to make a few dates along the way but have never text or called him before he has done so. I’ve not always been available to meet him also which he did not like. I’m not sure if I’ve pushed him away or if it’s really his circumstances that are keeping away. I have pushed guys away in the past and have tried very hard this time to be more aware of my actions.
Should I walk away or wait a while before moving onto someone else.
Left Hanging in Hingam, MA”
First off, this situation is exactly why I encourage women to avoid dating men who are not divorced for at least a year and I would tell men the same thing. Before you enter the next dating situation, ask the man how long he’s been divorced and if it’s less than 9 months to a year, walk away!
There are a number of things you mentioned that puzzle me about this liaison. I wonder why you’re interested in dating this man after:
- He went cold on you during two dates
- The last date was a nightmare
- He’s still clearly attached to his not yet ex wife
- He was rude enough to text with his not yet ex during your date
- He stopped asking you out
- He’s not emotionally available
As a dating coach for women, I say any of these is reason enough not to see him again! What is it about him that makes him worth your time or affection?
You Are Compartmentalizing
When you like certain parts of a man that capture your attention which causes you to overlook other characteristics that would make him unattractive, that’s how I KNOW you are compartmentalizing. What does the word mean? You have one compartment in your mind for all the things you like about him and a separate compartment where you ignore what you don’t like.
What you need to realize is these things are all PART OF THE SAME MAN. You cannot separate them! He is a package deal and it’s time you start seeing him as the sum of his parts. If you look at him again this way, my bet is you’ll decide to move on quickly.
No matter how cute, fun, intelligent, rich this man is, he is also emotionally unavailable, attached to his wife, and well…rude.
Learn How to Read Between the Lines
When this man said to you he had to “sort things out,” that’s ManSpeak for “I can’t see you any more”. You hung around wondering how long it would take. He said he hoped you would understand, but you missed his meaning. He was exiting the situation. Next time a man says he ‘s got to sort stuff out, say GOODBYE because that’s exactly what he means.
All on His Terms
You said that perhaps you pushed him away by not being available when he wanted to see you. Hey, you’re busy. You said you pushed other men away like this too. I do encourage my clients to make themselves available and if you can’t make a date, then suggest another option. But you didn’t push this particular guy away.
A Pawn in His Marital Drama Game
Personally, I can’t help but think he used you to make his wife jealous. Otherwise why the heck would he ever tell her about you? There’s only one reason – and that is jealousy. I think he was hoping to get her back by dating you and this is a huge risk of dating a separated man.
Given everything I’ve explained in this post, I hope you see the wisdom and only real choice of moving on to find a new man. You deserve better than dating a separated man and this kind of dysfunctional situation.
My Dating Coach Hopes for You
I hope you meet men who are divorced for more than a year and healed of the trauma. Choose to date guys who are ready to date, are emotionally available, and seeking a serious relationship. The men you date should not text or talk on the phone during your date and show you far more respect and interest. Know you are worthy of a man’s full attention unless there is an emergency.
Wishing you love,
Want more insightful dating advice about not dating a separated man, not chasing men, and valuing yourself more? Download my free book 7 Dire Dating Mistakes Women Make that Keep You Single and get my newsletter too.