When it comes to understanding men, do you sabotage your new relationships by pursing him?
In this post I answer a question is about this and help this single gal with understanding men and how to let them initiate and purse you in the beginning without interfering and why that is SO IMPORTANT.
“Hi Ronnie, The Dating Coach for Women Over 40
I met a guy a few months ago on a boat (we are both sailors), and we’ve been texting just about every day since. We live a long distance from each other. After about a month of talking he made the drive to see me, even though he only had a few days to spare, and we had a great time. Last week I flew up to see him for the weekend and again we had a great time.
But, now I worry that maybe I was being a little too forward by flying up spontaneously to see him. We’ve talked a bit since, but the texts are getting less flirty/engaged. He’s home right now moving into a new place. Should I back away? Did I make myself too available? Or is he just comfortable now and doesn’t feel he has to ‘try’ anymore. I’ve been hurt a lot the past couple years, so I’m just trying to prevent it from happening again. Tough being a (female) sailor…
Thanks for your insights and help,
Hey Sailor Gal,
You flew up spontaneously without giving him warning and spent the weekend? If that is correct, then that was a major dating boo boo. For the first 4-8 dates, you need to let the man lead. That means you don’t do any initiating. You let him contact you and ask you out. Naturally, you can respond when he contacts you and you should.
Men still have the hunter instinct because it’s coded into their DNA. The hunter instinct behavior shows up in his career, how he plays and watches sports and chooses a woman. Men want to pursue you. This is called the “chase” which is still alive and well and part of how dating works. Men love the chase because it appeals to their need to WIN. He wants to win you over to make you his. But he can’t win if you do all the work for him. That eliminates the hunt, the challenge, the tension and your desirability plummet.
It’s pure human nature to desire what we have to work for. And this definitely applies to dating. That’s what makes meeting a new date so exciting and exhilarating! The vast majority of men do not want to be chased by a woman. It makes most men feel uncomfortable because this is his job.
I can’t say if you chased him away or if the outcome would have been the same – one or two great weekends. But for the future, don’t spontaneously visit a guy. Don’t ask him out at all because:
- You may have given him the impression you liked him more than he liked you.
- You might have made yourself too available.
- You might have seemed too forward.
Who knows? However, none of these impressions are good for you or your potential new relationship. You’ve got to let him be in charge until you know you see consistency in his pursuit of you over some amount of time. This can take a month of two, sometimes even three At that point, the power balances out and you can start to initiate too.
In most cases, 99% of the time, if a man wants to see you , he will find a way.
Your only choice now is to back off and let him come to you. If he doesn’t come back, he’s not the right guy because the right man knows you are the woman for him and wants to get to know you better so he can try to win you over and make you his.
Wishing you love,