Are you dating after 40 or thinking about it and wondering if it’s really worth the trouble? Here’s how I responded to one woman who asked this very question.
I have had some thoughts recently regarding the idea that “first you need to be happy by yourself to be able to be in a relationship”. Well, I worked on that, and I am finally happy and not needy. But, I feel confused about what should I do next.
Last year I dated like crazy because I just broke up the on again/off again relationship with my ex-husband after our divorce. I desperately wanted to be in another relationship. I dated a lot, and I felt a lot of anxiety when things, predictably, didn’t go well.
My ex cheated on me and him being my only man since I was 18, I no longer felt attractive. I was searching for validation, I’m seeing now in hindsight. The heavy anxiety lifted after a casual liaison with a very attractive man 10 years younger than me. This helped me established that I was “hot”!
Next, I wanted “love”. I met a man and was insanely happy for 4 months. I got some romance, then he dumped me, but amazingly enough, while I felt sad, I wasn’t too depressed. After that I dated the other guys who weren’t too exciting.
During this time I also worked on myself a lot. I started meditating daily. I read a ton of books on achieving inner peace, worked on changing my thoughts and….I think I got there. I am finally completely and utterly happy with my life and with myself. I have no doubts on my attractiveness, lovability, worthiness, or any other insecurities anymore.
The problem? Now that I’m at peace and happy, I don’t feel the need for a relationship anymore. I find that I am not interested in the inevitable work that any relationship entails. Since I’m already happy, I don’t want to make changes to accommodate someone else. I don’t really have the motivation to make time for dating. I’m a single mom with 100% custody of my son and have to scramble for care when I go out.
I also have a girlfriend who tells me all about her relationship. She puts up with so much just to see her boyfriend – I could never put up with stuff like that! Talk about disturbing my happiness. If I have to look forward to the nonsense she deals with, I rather stay happy and alone.
If I’m happy, where can the motivation to change that happiness into more challenges possibly come from? So I wonder if I should just stop dating? Will I regret that decision later?
So being happy is great, but not sure if it’s true that “you have to first be happy by yourself to be able to be happy with someone else”. I feel someone else would just disturb my happiness. Is this normal and what should I do about looking for love?
Happy in Ft. Worth”
I totally appreciate your honesty and admire your searching questions. Dating after 40 is not easy. First – of course you are totally normal! Probably more normal than most. All the hard work you did to strengthen yourself has paid off and now you are happy. You know you are hot (I LOVED THAT) and lovable. Excellent!
This is wonderful for three reasons:
1. It’s great to be happy
2. It’s great to feel confident and attractive
3. When you feel confident, attractive and not needy, you are at your “attraction peak” for quality men
Now, the fact that you aren’t sure you want to bother dating after 40…I get that. Dating and being in love adds a layer of complexity to life for sure. Yet, plenty of women in your shoes have decided that they are happy AND they want to share that with someone.
You mention your friend and what she is putting up with for love. Be advised, that is her NOT YOU. You do not have to put up with that kind of stuff for love. Her guy would not be the right kind of guy for you!
Why Should I Have to Change Anything for a Man?
This is a very common misconception among single women happy with their lives. They think – why would I want to change anything for a man? But if you really fell in love with a man who enriched your life and you were thrilled to be with him, a few compromises would be very worthwhile in exchange for the joy he would bring. This is about compromise, not reducing who you are.
Do You Believe in Love and Know You Can Find It?
So the question becomes, do you believe you can find the right man for you? A man who makes you laugh, kisses you sweetly, keeps you smiling, expands your world and is fun to be with?
As your dating coach, if I had to venture a guess, I would say NO, YOU DON’T BELIEVE.
If you did, you would know that dating is nothing more than a sorting process to help you find the right guy. You could take it in stride, knowing the right man is out there and you will cross paths with him at some point. You could let go of men who are clearly the wrong guys and give other men a chance to make sure you don’t let a good one get away.
How to Get Your Subconscious Mind to Believe in Love
I recommend my audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Attract Love Now. My clients who use this audio on a regular basis say it helps tremendously. Try it for at least three weeks on a consistent basis. The longer you listen to the affirmation audio, the better so it can seep into your subconscious mind and help you believe love is possible when dating after 40. Because of course IT IS!
Now, you may decide not to bother dating because you already feel fulfilled. That is up to you. Given that you are asking, I think you do want love.
Wishing You Love,