Need help understanding men?
Many women want to know how to tell if a man is ready for love. That’s not always easy, but I can sure tell you how to know when he’s not ready! Read on to find out the 3 telltale signs.
Hi Ronnie The Dating Coach,
I need your dating advice for understanding men! Ahhhh I definitely messed this one up I think.
I met a guy on match.com. The first month of dating he was doing all the initiating and calling and then his kids came into town the second month…I backed off and was patient and gave him his space and we still texted while they were here. After his kids went home (after a month) he asked if he could see me the following weekend.
The morning of he called to cancel saying that he had work things going on and I said that I hoped everything got worked out. Then later that night he texted that his work stuff got worked out and he would still like to see me. The next afternoon we met up and spent the day and night together. I noticed that his body language was a little off/distant with me that night.
I told him I had a great time and I really enjoyed hanging out with him. His response two days later was “works been kinda crazy and doesn’t look to be slowing down any time soon.” I then told him that I was wondering what he was looking for. His response was, “I don’t know where I am going/want to be in two years, so I am good with just chilling and hanging out.”
It took him a week to get back to me and I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a cute,funny text and he replied. Then nothing for another week at which point I texted, I wasn’t really sure what had happened, but I had a great time. Sometimes timing sucks and I came on too strong. If he was ever around he should give me a hollar.
He wrote back and said that I didn’t do anything wrong and that he has just been really busy with work/training/and his kid. He said he hasn’t gone out but that he would contact me once he had time on his hands. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him and he is now back on the dating site. I really liked him and I’m afraid that showed my cards too soon. I don’t know what to do or if I can work this out. Please help me with understanding men.
Thanks so much,
Frantic in Framingham
In this case, I don’t think you can blame yourself. Yes, you sent him a couple of texts and told him your feelings – not the best. And I don’t recommend you do this again, but I don’t think that really caused him to pull away.
Telltale Sign #1 – I Don’t Know What I Want
In this case, it seems he is just not ready. He actually told you as much as he said, “I don’t know where I am going/want to be in two years so I am good with just chilling and hanging out.” Those are the words of a man who is not ready. He wanted some female company, but doesn’t want a relationship.
Telltale Sign #2 – Chilling and Hanging Out
When a man doesn’t know what he wants or where he’ll be in two years, he is saying his life is unsettled. Men don’t usually look for love in these circumstances. That’s what “hanging out” is all about – being casual with no real plan. So while you were a bit forward, I doubt that was the reason he disappeared. It was all about him.
Telltale Sign #3 Work Is Really Busy
Here’s another clue – he used work and kids as his excuses to put you off. Yes, he might not have been able to date with his children visiting and work might have been busy. But, these are two of the most common excuses going. When a man blames work for not being able to see you, that’s a red flag. Some men might be super busy, but most often, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The “work is busy” excuse really means – “Don’t expect much from me.”
What Can You Do To Guard Your Heart with Men Like This?
1. Don’t Initiate or Contact Men
As a dating coach for women, I will say that the next time you meet a guy you like, hold off on initiating. Don’t prompt a response when you don’t hear from a guy either. If a man is truly interested in you, he will take charge and pursue you. It’s your job as the woman to respond, but not initiate. Women may not like this, but it is the cold, hard truth. Dating is an archaic mating ritual rooted in biology and has not caught up yet with gender equality and it might not ever change. We just don’t know.
However, this is only during the initial dating phase of 4-10 dates. After that, things balance out and you can call, etc. Although a good rule of thumb is a 3 to 1 ratio – you let him contact you three times for every one time that you reach out. This prevents a man from feeling you are pursuing him or invading his space.
2. Date More Than One Guy
Another point is that you waited patiently while he was visiting with his kids. This would have been a great time to be dating other men since you never know who might turn out to be “the one”. Many women have the idea of some guy being ideal and shut out other opportunities too quickly before they can really know he will follow through. To guard your heart, I strongly recommend dating more casually at first so you can date several guys.
Thankfully, I followed this advice or I probably never would have hung in there with my husband. He only wanted to see me once a week and it was driving me crazy, So, I was dating another man at the same time. I liked him too, but balancing between them kept me from thinking about either one too much. At some point, I gathered enough information about them both to make my choice.
Often, the men you date will simply disappear – that’s why dating multiple people during the getting to know you phase of 4-10 dates is a smart way to go. Here’s a video about why its best to date around.
I wrote a post recently about hooking up and hanging out that you might find helpful. Hope this helps you with understanding men!
Wishing you love,