Understand Men: Sleeping with You Doesn’t Make You His Girlfriend

dating coaching, dating coach, first date sex

Sleeping with him doesn’t make you his girlfriend

Do You Understand Men?

Discover how this single woman has confused sleeping together with romance and how you can avoid this same pitfall

Hi Ronnie, The Dating Coach for Women

Met a guy online and we sparked each others interests sexually. I went to his place after few weeks of flirting and chatting. He hasn’t been with anyone since he left his fiance a year ago. He said I’d awoken something in him that’s been dormant for a long time. His 36 and I’m 34 and he seems a real gentleman. Country boy. Good values. Shy. Lots of mutual interests. Two weeks ago on Saturday night I went to his place for our first meet. He commented how he loved my confidence. Three days later on Tuesday, I suggested another meet. He welcomed me over. We chatted lots.

He cancelled going away home the next weekend so he could see me again. He invited me over for dvd, spa and to cook me breakfast in the morning. He said he was glad I was impressed with his cooking. I suggested when I could cook him dinner next and he suggested a few days later Tuesday, but we made no plans.

After that breakfast, I didn’t contact him. Tuesday night came and I texted him. He responded he’d been up early to pick his boss up so was tired but said I’ll have his lips soon enough. He also told me not to stress that its only Tuesday and that I think too much. uh oh…

We ended up chatting on the phone and he said he isn’t really online much anymore since we started meeting and it’s better in person. Since we spoke on Tuesday I pulled back on my contact. He messaged me today saying “morning gorgeous hope you have a great day”. I replied morning handsome, you too. It was left at that.

I’m not sure if I am over thinking or whether this guy is just taking it slow. Why would he make me breakfast on 3rd visit and spend 20 min chatting the other night. I looked back and noticed I had initiated every meet except the night I stayed over last weekend.

He’s going home this weekend so I won’t see him but I thought he try to see me before going. Am I worrying over nothing? Should I just sit back and see how he plays it out and if he initiates any meet up next week?

Many thanks,
Breakfast Gal

Dear Breakfast Gal,

Unfortunately, it looks like you are confusing sleeping together with romance. Even though you started your note to me by saying how you sparked each other sexually, you need to understand men better. Let’s break down this situation to look at the elements.

1. The Purpose of Dating is to Collect Data
It’s hard to understand men and know why they respond to a woman’s contact or invitations. Is he flattered? Curious? Wanting sex? Or romantically interested? There’s noway to know the answer when you initiate. This is why I recommend letting the man lead during the beginning phase of dating which is the first 4-10 dates.

When a man pursues you, you can learn more about his intentions. You can see when he chooses to text or call, how long he waits between contact, how often he asks you out. You’ll know if you are a last minute idea or if he’s a planner. It might take 4-10 dates to know how serious he is, but it will become more clear with time.

2. You didn’t call your meetings “dates”
When you have slept together right away, it’s hard to know if you are “dating”. It does happen occasionally. But you didn’t call these three meetings dates, you called them “meets” which to me is very telling. You knew they weren’t dates.

3. Gauge his interest by his effort
You assume making you breakfast and talking on the phone are his efforts to “woo” you and show he’s interested. But you see, he’s already won you over and did nothing to get there because you initiated. So he doesn’t have to keep up with contact – you always did it. For his part, making eggs is a breeze. He’s done nothing to pursue you and now you can see that since you stopped contacting him and haven’t heard anything.

4.  Sleeping with you doesn’t make you his girlfriend
I know this might seem confusing but perhaps he just wanted to get his rocks off and after three times, he’s all set. He liked your confidence because he thought you’d be good with this “no strings attached”, casual arrangement. Once you showed vulnerability, he pointed out that you think too much…He’s not taking it slow – he took you fast.  Unfortunately, interest in sleeping with you is not the same as interest in romance.

5. Listen for “Player Lingo” to understand men
He tells you it’s been a long time for him since he left his fiance and you awoke something in him? Balderdash! This is romantic nonsense to suck you in. It makes you feel bad for him and good about you because you must be something special to wake him up. This is “player lingo”. When you hear this kind of sweet talkin’ from a nice southern guy (or from anywhere), watch out!

What should you do now?
Here’s my dating coaching advice to understand men and figure out your next step:

  • Forget this guy – there’s no romance here, just sex
  • Get back online and this time, let the men lead.
  • Hold off on sex to let the guy show you if he’s really interested in pursing you or just sex
  • You can be friendly to men online – email them to see if they respond. That’s OK. But after that initial exchange with any particular guy,  hang back and follow his lead.

If you want more to read dating coaching advice on this topic, check out these posts:

Hooking up or hanging out

Flirting and Attraction Don’t Mean a Thing

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