Dating after divorce is not always easy.
Work, kids, elder care – all of these responsibilities can take a toll on your relationship. But how do you know when to let go because it might never be right, and when to hold on to see if things really will get better?
Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
I hope you can help me. I’ve been dating this wonderful man for 6 months. We get along great and enjoy many of the same things. We are both dating after divorced and are over 50. I’m deeply in love and he seems to feel the same way – that’s what he tells me.
Here’s the problem, John has two young children still in grade school and they are his first priority. He is a dedicated father which is a good thing. But he owns his own business and between work and his kids, my time with him is limited. I haven’t met his kids yet and if I could be included in this time, we’d be able to be together more often.
I’m starting to wonder if I should just give up since it’s been six months or give him more time. I feel so torn I don’t know which way to go. It’s not easy to find a good man, but he’s got no time for me and it’s starting to really get on my nerves. I haven’t met any of his family yet, but have met a few friends. Please give me your advice on what I should do.
Thanks so much,
Carol in Calgary
This is a tough question and dating after divorce comes with a lot of complications. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen because people get married a second or third time so often!
John sounds like he’s got his hands full with lots of things that keep him hopping. To me, the point that sticks out more than anything is that his kids are priority #1. That said, his work is probably #2 and that makes you #3.
Now I understand this order and it’s not unusual. And children should come first – to a degree. But sometimes divorced Dad’s and divorced Mom’s overdo with their kids because of guilt –so love gets short changed. No matter how long you date him, this may never change until they go to college and that’s a long wait for the kids to be out on their own.
I don’t feel like I should be the one to tell you to leave him. That is up to you. But I will tell you to trust your gut. My only concern is if you are the kind of person who tends to want to flee when your encounter a problem. Sometimes people bail out at the least little thing to stay safe. Since I don’t know you, I can’t know this about you. But you know yourself. So if you aren’t normally the type of person who wants to run, then listen to your gut.
However, take your time deciding, there’s no hurry. You can even do this – I’ve done this myself. Set a date in your mind for when you want things to be different. Don’t tell John. This is your self appointed cutoff date. If you don’t start to see movement towards more time together by this date, then you know it’s time to go.
This method has worked great for me. Sometimes I have had to let go. But other times, its like some kind of magic that things fall into place just at the deadline. In a way, you are creating a contract with the Universe for what you want. Give it a shot.
Wishing you love,