“I met this guy online (he’s 32 and I’m 29) and we had a date 3 weeks ago. We watched football at a pub after dinner and danced till 2am. We both had quite a few drinks. He walked me home and asked if he could stay over, saying he really liked me. I had feelings for him so we had sex. After that I said to him it doesn’t mean I am your girlfriend and he said okay.
Then he was away skiing. He texted me then went away again for a few days. Before he left, we set up another date. Then he messages me again after he came back just ask how I was. Then 5 days later he messaged again. I replied to all the messages but usually he finished up with conversation,.
He messaged me the day we were supposed to get together. Unfortunately I was really tired so I said I couldn’t make it. He asked to postpone for another day. I suggested Saturday, but was going away again. He suggested a day during the week to see a movie.
Today we went to the movie. He paid for both dates. We were both a bit shy even though we had sex last time we saw each other. He didn’t show affection until the end of the movie when he put his hand on my leg. After the movie he said he needed to go home since he has a puppy and an early start the next day. He kissed me goodbye on my cheek. When I got home he texted me said thanks for good company and sorry for not being able to stay longer. Then we texted about the puppy.
My question is, is he interested.? He said before we separated that we should do a weekend next time and I said maybe next week he said yeah maybe we’ll see. Where should I go from here ? I can’t say I am hugely into him yet but I do like him. What do you think he thinks about me?”
Amanda in San Diego
Sending Mixed Messages
This is a complicated scenario, partly because of the mixed signals YOU sent. You have what I call a “marathon date” from dinner, to watching a game, to dancing, to sex. That’s the #1 reason I don’t recommend having such a long first date. You say you felt something for him. Then you turn around and tell him you’re not his girlfriend after you slept together.
Men Have Feelings Too and Can Be Sensitive
Why you would say such a thing? You are making a huge assumption that the guy WANTS you to be his girlfriend. I see no upside to these words, only downside because if he was starting to like you, you probably crushed him, leaving him feeling rejected or confused at the very least.
Feeling Attracted Versus Liking Him
Second, there is a big distinction between attraction and “liking” someone. If you find each other “hot” and sleep together – it doesn’t mean there’s a future. Often men sleep with a woman once, but don’t want anything more. (Women do this too.) If he was thinking about more with you, saying you aren’t his girlfriend shot him down.
He did stay in touch, although didn’t pursue you hotly. When he did finally set up another date, you cancelled because you were tired! That sent another message that he’s nothing special to you. Ouch!
Can’t Make a Date? Suggest an Alternate Time
One thing you did right was suggest another day and he countered with a mid-week date which is safer emotionally for him than a Saturday night. (Who knows, maybe he was busy, but maybe not) So I’m not surprised he was shy and held back at the movies, and didn’t ask you back to his place. You have him very confused.
Sex Before True Intimacy Doesn’t Make You Feel Comfortable Together
Having sex with someone doesn’t mean you will automatically be comfortable the next time you see each other. The reason is because you still don’t know each other even though you’ve been intimate! True intimacy takes time to build. That’s why I recommend holding off on sex, so you can stay objective as you get to know a man.
Reading His Signals
1. When a man says he has an early morning start and a puppy to take care, explaining why he can’t spend the night – these are excuses. Sex is usually a bigger priority than sleep for a man who is hot for you. So he made a decision NOT to spend the night with you.
2. He kissed you goodbye on the cheek – oh that’s not very romantic. He shifted your status to friend right there and thanked you for your company.
3. You asked him out again at the end, suggesting next Saturday and he left you with “we’ll see”. That’s usually Man Speak for “not likely”. Don’t ask men out for the first 5-6 dates and please let them close – it’s not your job. Your role in dating is to smile, say thank you, and praise him for something so he knows he made you happy.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Leave it up to him. If he initiates another date – that’s a good sign. But I’d be surprised if he does given how he closed your movie date.
The Woman’s Role for the First Few Dates Hasn’t Changed Yet
In dating, your job as a woman is to be delightful, fun and provide light praise so a man knows you are interested. Do not initiate with men – you want men who come to you – it’s a whole lot less confusing believe me!
I recommend you read this post about not chasing men to help you with future dating. And you’d get a lot out of my Inner Circle program with monthly question and answer phone calls on the first Monday of every month. Read more here