Dating Advice: Does He Like Me?

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Hi Ronnie

“I met this guy online (he’s 32 and I’m 29) and we had a date 3 weeks ago. We watched football at a pub after dinner and danced  till 2am. We both had quite a few drinks. He walked me home and asked if he could stay over, saying he really liked me. I had feelings for him so we had sex. After that I said to him it doesn’t mean I am your girlfriend and he said okay.

Then he was away skiing. He texted me then went away again for a few days. Before he left, we set up another date. Then he messages me again after he came back just ask how I was. Then 5 days later he messaged again. I replied to all the messages but usually he finished up with conversation,.

He messaged me the day we were supposed to get together. Unfortunately I was really tired  so I said I couldn’t make it. He  asked to postpone for another day.  I suggested Saturday, but was going away again. He suggested a day during the week to see a movie.

Today we went to the movie. He paid for both dates. We were both a bit shy even though we had sex last time we saw each other. He didn’t show affection until the end of the movie when he put his hand on my leg. After the movie he said he needed to go home since he has a puppy and an early start the next day.  He kissed me goodbye on my cheek. When I got home he texted me said thanks for good company and sorry for not being able to stay longer. Then we texted  about the puppy.

My question is, is he interested.? He said before we separated that we should do a weekend next time and I said maybe next week he said yeah maybe we’ll see. Where should I go from here ? I can’t say I am hugely into him yet but I do like him. What do you think he thinks about me?”

Thanks again!
Amanda in San Diego

Dear Amanda,

Sending Mixed Messages
This is a complicated scenario, partly because of the mixed signals YOU sent. You have what I call a “marathon date” from dinner, to watching a game, to dancing, to sex. That’s the #1 reason I don’t recommend having such a long first date. You say you felt something for him. Then you turn around and tell him you’re not his girlfriend after you slept together.

Men Have Feelings Too and Can Be Sensitive
Why you would say such a thing? You are making a huge assumption that the guy WANTS you to be his girlfriend. I see no upside to these words, only downside because if he was starting to like you, you probably crushed him, leaving him feeling rejected or confused at the very least.

Feeling Attracted Versus Liking Him
Second, there is a big distinction between attraction and “liking” someone. If you find each other “hot” and sleep together – it doesn’t mean there’s a future. Often men sleep with a woman once, but don’t want anything more. (Women do this too.) If he was thinking about more with you, saying you aren’t his girlfriend shot him down.

He did stay in touch, although didn’t pursue you hotly. When he did finally set up another date, you cancelled because you were tired! That sent another message that he’s nothing special to you. Ouch!

Can’t Make a Date? Suggest an Alternate Time
One thing you did right was suggest another day and he countered with a mid-week date which is safer emotionally for him than a Saturday night. (Who knows, maybe he was busy, but maybe not) So I’m not surprised he was shy and held back at the movies, and didn’t ask you back to his place. You have him very confused.

Sex Before True Intimacy Doesn’t Make You Feel Comfortable Together
Having sex with someone doesn’t mean you will automatically be comfortable the next time you see each other. The reason is because you still don’t know each other even though you’ve been intimate! True intimacy takes time to build. That’s why I recommend holding off on sex, so you can stay objective as you get to know a man.

Reading His Signals
1. When a man says he has an early morning start and a puppy to take care, explaining why he can’t spend the night – these are excuses. Sex is usually a bigger priority than sleep for a man who is hot for you. So he made a decision NOT to spend the night with you.

2. He kissed you goodbye on the cheek – oh that’s not very romantic. He shifted your status to friend right there and thanked you for your company.

3. You asked him out again at the end, suggesting next Saturday and he left you with “we’ll see”. That’s usually Man Speak for “not likely”. Don’t ask men out for the first 5-6 dates and please let them close – it’s not your job. Your role in dating is to smile, say thank you, and praise him for something so he knows he made you happy.

Where Do You Go From Here?
Leave it up to him. If he initiates another date – that’s a good sign. But I’d be surprised if he does given how he closed your movie date.

The Woman’s Role for the First Few Dates Hasn’t Changed Yet
In dating, your job as a woman is to be delightful, fun and provide light praise so a man knows you are interested. Do not initiate with men – you want men who come to you – it’s a whole lot less confusing believe me!

I recommend you read this post about not chasing men to help you with future dating. And you’d get a lot out of my Inner Circle program with monthly question and answer phone calls on the first Monday of every month. Read more here

2 responses on “Dating Advice: Does He Like Me?

  1. Ronnie Post author

    Hi Amanda – there’s just no way to know more at this time. I know its hard, but you have to wait to see what he does next. Many women assign meaning to stuff what men do, but that is often off base – more storytelling in our minds. Hey, we’re human and looking for positive evidence that things will go our way. But you just can’t interpret things. Yes he paid, but who knows what that means. you can’t point to that and say anything for sure. Just because he’s the one who caught your attention doesn’t mean it’s going to work out. Since you have lots of dating questions – I really do feel the Inner Circle would be a great resource for you. https://www.nevertoolate.biz/n2l4l-inner-circle

  2. Amanda

    Hi Ronnie,

    Thanks a lot for such a detailed answer to my question.

    Just a few things I would like to ask as well. I haven’t been single for 7 years and this whole dating thing is almost like brand new to me. I am doing online dating and have met prob more than 15 guys in the last few months, few are satisfactory. This guy is prob one of the few I would even consider a second date. Honestly I did hand some feelings the first date but not a lot even tho we had sex, and I wasn’t thinking too much about him afterwards unless he messaged me. I felt if its just gonna be casual then all good. That’s prob why I canceled once on him without hesitating too much. Maybe it’s the attraction rather than liking as you were saying.

    The movie date was a little different. Because he didn’t make any move but still showed a little affection, I actually felt a bit more. I think he was testing me out as well. And end of the date he suggested catching up on a weekend and I said maybe next Saturday he actually said maybe we will see, or maybe Sunday, but left there. Again not overly eager but I kind of hope seeing him again. I am prob confusing myself and you as we’ll as confusing him… And another thing I was thinking is if he wasn’t interested in sleeping with me that night, why would he still pay for everything. Isn’t that a good sign he is just not buying me dinner for sex?

    Anyways… Sorry a bit messy, I am going to wait and see what happens and see if he does message me to set up another date next weekend. But could you please kindly explain what I am confusing now?

    Thanks

    Amanda

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